My life is a complete mess right now :(

[andyn6990]

Hope everyone is doing ok you will have to bare with me in trying to word this post the best i can , basically from earliar posts u may have seen some im usually a lurker i dont really post much , any help would appreciated my life is a mess at the moment ive been addicted to kratom for 2 years and every time i taper i keep going back on it, i feel like the drugs day by day are literally taking my soul im feel almost empty bad depression i think ,but thats just the start its only a few months ago i started buying this rc drug called etizolam it satrted as a miracle drug for me i would buy like 100 pills and only 2 would cover my anxiety and i was goin out dating and stuff ,well can you can just see where things went next i started taking them daily with them just there and me being an addict ,ive built a tolerence where i need 5 to get me high now where it used to be only 2 and i can feel the withdrawals hitting after 24 hours without dosing severe nausea paranoia symptoms on top of the kratom withdrawals and you know the rest , another thing is i was just doing binges with booze aswell i have had a few blackouts which thankfully i havnt done anything serious but feel ashamed and i just dont feel theres anyway out of all this, thats all i can put for now i know why im posting i suppose its coz deep down i really want my life back and just want to know im not alone my family dont understand ,i have been having suicidal thoughts about just taking everything and just be done with it but i keep holding back cause i know i really want to live under this mess , thanks for reading if you do , lots of love to you all Andy x

 

[badfish45]

There is a way out, and its the scary road I can see you dreading in this post.

But take a breath. Just step back, and stop looking into the past and future, and dont demonize today. Everyday becomes today. I cant speak for the unfair cards that life may have dealt you but I can see a craving to push past the life you live now into a brilliant new future. But your anxiety seems to hold you back. A sober stable life doesnt seem possible to you, you make it sound like a dream.

But you can do it. It sounds like you need to grab life by the horns and do a complete steer around. Radically change your life, and I mean past sobering up. It seems your vision has been dulled. But sometimes, a refreshing perspective on life is all that you will need to see what you really want. As much as you want to be sober, there are still things that you honestly want out of your drug use. But just remember that you cant find them in drugs, but remember that they are still out there.

There are so many resources to be sober. Bluelight, AA/NA, forums, family members, friends, hobbies, goals(I am working on my eagle scout project for Boy Scouts, and it has helped me keep sober. I want something to be proud of before I turn 18 ), spirituality.

Try this to start. A hobby to sharpen your mind. Read a book, play some strategy computer games, or do some word games like a crossword puzzle. Find something that will require you to dedicate your time to it, find something that will frustrate you not to finish or succeed at. You will gain a perspective I think you will find refreshing. Its about the small things too. Life is so complex and abstract that the most significant part lies in the details.

Best of luck with your strive for a new life. You can do it.

 

[mrflowers00]

the only way to feel different is to stop using but you have to want it and more importantly want it for YOU getting clean for anyone other than you just will not work i've tried and because i didn't want it for myself i failed on many occasions

 

[Pilll_head]

My advice is just try and add some small simple pleasures to your daily routine. My Saturday thing is to go to the market and get some chicken wings and sit on the porch for 20 min or so. Adding some ordinary things that can give you just a little pleasure can go a long way. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut where I care about nothing, that makes it so much harder to resist the temptation to use drugs. Filling up your day with some mindless distractions is a way to beat back the drug, to prevent it from totally controlling your life. Every day is a battle, just take it one day at a time.

 

[thedawn]

I wish you to be careful.
your story sounds like the beginning of addiction.
when you have to raise the dose to get the "same" feeling you're in addict-land.

 

[Maya]

the only way to feel different is to stop using but you have to want it and more importantly want it for YOU getting clean for anyone other than you just will not work i've tried and because i didn't want it for myself i failed on many occasions

Yes this is true, you have to WANT IT and to be ready to get clean. The start comes from you and your willingness to kick off the habit.