TDS I'm in real trouble. There's no way out. Someone threatened to kill me...

[Mariposa]

Again, not a doctor - another concerned Bluelighter who wishes you the best in relieving your symptoms.

The statistical likelihood of you having Dissociative Identity disorder is astronomically small. The statistical likelihood of you having schizophrenia is about 1-3/100. You are in the age range for first diagnosable symptoms of schizophrenia in a male.

The combination of a stimulant (Vyvanse), a benzodiazepine (Ativan) and an hypnotic (Ambien), in my non-medical opinion, could account for these symptoms. The sleepwalking/sleep-driving is an immense hazard for obvious reasons. Please, give your car keys to a trusted family member or friend until you are able to get to a doctor and address whatever it is that's going on. At age 17, you are still a new and inexperienced driver, which is a risk in itself. That is not intended to be condescending; it's the truth.

What is your social network like? Do you have friends who are either abstinent or level-headed occasional users? Please do not give yourself a false sense of security by saying "I only take what I'm prescribed, and then only part of that". Once you see your doctor, follow his or her orders and communicate with your doctor about side effects.

My best advice is not to give up. Continue seeking answers. Whatever it is that is happening to you, no one's trying to kill you, demons aren't pursuing you, and even if the support you very much need does not appear to be forthcoming, you have more self-control than you presently realize.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Again, not a doctor - another concerned Bluelighter who wishes you the best in relieving your symptoms.

The statistical likelihood of you having Dissociative Identity disorder is astronomically small. The statistical likelihood of you having schizophrenia is about 1-3/100. You are in the age range for first diagnosable symptoms of schizophrenia in a male.

The combination of a stimulant (Vyvanse), a benzodiazepine (Ativan) and an hypnotic (Ambien), in my non-medical opinion, could account for these symptoms. The sleepwalking/sleep-driving is an immense hazard for obvious reasons. Please, give your car keys to a trusted family member or friend until you are able to get to a doctor and address whatever it is that's going on. At age 17, you are still a new and inexperienced driver, which is a risk in itself. That is not intended to be condescending; it's the truth.

What is your social network like? Do you have friends who are either abstinent or level-headed occasional users? Please do not give yourself a false sense of security by saying "I only take what I'm prescribed, and then only part of that". Once you see your doctor, follow his or her orders and communicate with your doctor about side effects.

My best advice is not to give up. Continue seeking answers. Whatever it is that is happening to you, no one's trying to kill you, demons aren't pursuing you, and even if the support you very much need does not appear to be forthcoming, you have more self-control than you presently realize.

I have no friends. So being concerned about friends that will make me take more than I'm supposed to of my meds is not a problem. The real problem with meds is controlling my anxiety so I don't have to take the meds. Also, 1MG of Ativan has been feeling incredibly weak for a couple months now. I've learned that asking for meds is something you should never do with a doctor. However, I'm going to let my psychiatrist know that 1MG of Ativan is no longer effective. It works, but it's too weak. It only eliminates 25% of my anxiety so even if I take an Ativan hoping to stop a panic attack before it starts does help, it's no longer enough to kill it entirely and because of that, I'm still having panic attacks even after taking Ativan.

I have very prominent symptoms of DID. It may be less common than Schizophrenia, however, my symptoms - while they are psychotic, aren't consistent if Schizophrenia. I haven't lost my grasp on reality yet which is one of the main reasons for diagnosing Schizophrenia.

 

[paranoid android]

Hey SwampFox i don't have the time now (or rather am too lazy ) but i will give you my own personal experience with living with someone who has dissociative identity disorder. It was scary fucking shit to say the very fucking least. It's a very controversial topic among shrinks as they can't agree on if it is a real disorder or some shit. But really many things can cause the symptoms you have with psychotic depression, bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder coming to mind. DID is very very rare to say the least. I have bipolar disorder with some psychotic features but i have never lost my grip on reality completely. Or atleast i don't think i have. Mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics like Quetiapine and clonazepam help me alot.

Anyway i will add more or PM you if you want when i am up to it. Actually some of this would be better to be discussed via PM as some of it is private even if it happened ages ago.

 

[neversickanymore]

hey swamp did you read the links I provided and if so what where your thoughts?

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Hey SwampFox i don't have the time now (or rather am too lazy ) but i will give you my own personal experience with living with someone who has dissociative identity disorder. It was scary fucking shit to say the very fucking least. It's a very controversial topic among shrinks as they can't agree on if it is a real disorder or some shit. But really many things can cause the symptoms you have with psychotic depression, bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder coming to mind. DID is very very rare to say the least. I have bipolar disorder with some psychotic features but i have never lost my grip on reality completely. Or atleast i don't think i have. Mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics like Quetiapine and clonazepam help me alot.

Anyway i will add more or PM you if you want when i am up to it. Actually some of this would be better to be discussed via PM as some of it is private even if it happened ages ago.

I briefly looked at your profile and noticed "Trying to stay sane" as one of your interests. I can connect with that a lot...

There was a time when I really thought I was going to kill someone or myself. I actually left this note on my desktop just incase it ever happened. It's actually quite sad reading it as I still connect with it and feel some of these emotions.

To anyone that should ever search my computer:

If it just so happens that I am dead (I'm assuming I either shot up a school, some other public place, or I've become a serial killer) - search bluelight.ru for the user SwampFox56. The thread posts I've made there should give you a pretty good idea of why this happened.

SwampFox56 on Yahoo Answers should also give a better picture and so should the notecards I've hidden under my trash can.

My ultimate goal was to stop any of this from ever happening - but if you're reading this, I'm assuming it has. If that's the case, I'm sorry. I really am. I tried everything in my power to stop all of this, but I guess it was in vain. I never wanted to hurt people. If I did hurt anyone, I am so sorry. I know the family of that person probably wouldn't ever believe that, but at the moment I am typing this - at this moment, the moment that I still have some shred of my sanity left, the sain person that is still inside me is truely sorry.

Please forgive me...

This isn't really related, but it's still relevant. Anyways, I'd love to take you up on the PM offer. I'd love to hear personal experience from someone who has DID.

hey swamp did you read the links I provided and if so what where your thoughts?

The length of the links scared me away to be honest. But since you asked I'll skim over it.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Do you have an appointment with a psychiatrist anytime soon? People could speculate what you have all day but it doesn't change the fact that you need professional help.

 

[juno nightmare]

hey swamp ive read this whole thread and i feel for you man. im no doctor but from what you describe you need someone who will see you today, now, immediately. i know doctors and psychs can be dicks with the scheduling etc. however, what you are going thru is something that will not just go away and no one on this message board is going to be able to diagnose or treat any aspect of what you are going thru. you need to show these posts you have written down to your parents and tell them that they MUST take you to a hospital asap and get you on some serious medical treatment. dont say " its too expensive" !! what costs more, hospitalization or mass murder and suicide. if your parents are any kind of parents they will understand and do what must be done to keep you and everyone else safe.

Show them the letter you wrote about not wanting to hurt anyone but feeling like it is inevitable. If they dont want to take you to the hospital after that, then fuck them. Get a cab to the local ER, bring copies of these writings by you and show them to the staff there.

They will help you and they will know what to do in the short term to make sure you are no longer a danger to yourself and others.

Remember man, you are not going to be hurt by anyone if you get help. A hospital will not turn you away if you tell them you are thinking about hurting yourself or others.

You need immediate hospitalization and round the clock care and monitoring. If you really personify objects the way you say and cause the kind of damage to inanimate objects you reported earlier its time to get help, right now.

If a psychiatrist cant see you for a week and a half then you should be in constant medical supervision until that point.

Seriously go to the ER and bring print outs of what you have told us here. Show them and tell them that you feel like you are a danger to yourself and others if it is really that bad. They MUST do something for you right away, you may have to wait in the ER but imagine if the Colorado shooter had gone to the ER and insisted that he was too sick to continue alone and required help immediately.

You sound like a smart person and it sounds like there is a very strong part of your personality that is sane and reasonable. But that counts for nothing if the madness overtakes you and you do something that cant be taken back. We here on BL have lost too many good people and we as a human race have lost too many good and decent souls to treatable mental illness.

From reading you profile you have some problems but we all have problems otherwise we wouldn't be humans.

You are strong and you are a good person. Get help now, buddy. We love you and we only want the best life can offer you.

I dont write any of this to scare you or worsen your anxiety. I have very severe anxiety and i know what its like to feel like you are going to lose it. I got help and now my life is so much better. It can be like that for you too.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Hey SwampFox56 did you make an appointment to see a professional? If not I urge you to please do so, because it's serious when I see that you wrote a 'just incase I shoot up a school or kill myself note' and not to upset you but that was truly disturbing. But thank you for being honest and sharing your emotions with us. I know you are struggling with issues that you cannot fix yourself.

But you still have hope for yourself, you just need proper medical help. It would be a shame if you acted on your actions by killing random innocent people, I say it would be a shame because a part if you knows that you need help. So seek that medical help ASAP. When you are under the right care you will find yourself in a better place in life. A lot of these horrible thoughts and sleep terrors will subside in time.

Don't wait to get help you might end up doing something irreversible (killing people/or yourself). This world is full of mass murders & suicides, children dying in school shootings leaving grieving mothers & fathers behind, think about your family too. I am a mother and I would die inside if anyone ever killed my son.

Please get some help, if you need any help getting an appointment hit me up with a PM and ill hook you up with links and phone numbers depending on the whereabouts you live. That's the least I can do for a fellow BLer.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Hey SwampFox56 did you make an appointment to see a professional? If not I urge you to please do so, because it's serious when I see that you wrote a 'just incase I shoot up a school or kill myself note' and not to upset you but that was truly disturbing. But thank you for being honest and sharing your emotions with us. I know you are struggling with issues that you cannot fix yourself.

Yes, I already have. Unfortunately the Psychiatrist I'm seeing is new to me and therefore I can't get into see them until November (it's either November 1st or 4th. I can't remember at the moment). I also have an appointment with my therapist this Friday and he's already aware of the situation.

But you still have hope for yourself, you just need proper medical help. It would be a shame if you acted on your actions by killing random innocent people, I say it would be a shame because a part if you knows that you need help. So seek that medical help ASAP. When you are under the right care you will find yourself in a better place in life. A lot of these horrible thoughts and sleep terrors will subside in time.

I'm desperately trying to retain my grasp on reality. However, the delusions of persecution are really amplifying at the moment. I'm afraid that the government is watching me and I'm some sort of experiment or something and that my life doesn't really exist. Fortunately, I've noticed that this happens and that the symptoms wax and wane. I'm hoping this is just a period where it's getting worse, however, it's never gotten this bad before.

I'm covering up my windows with blankets so no one can see in - making sure all of my windows and doors are locked or barricaded and I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I'm not sleeping well and I have to keep my lights on in order to feel any kind of safety.

Something I should say though is the fact that my symptoms were very slightly better yesterday and there even better today. I'm not saying there gone completely (there never gone completely) but I'm feeling like they're starting to lessen a bit. I bumped up the dose on my Lamotrigine myself (from 100MG's to 200MG's) and while I know that you should never alter your meds without consulting your doctor - I'm certain this is what the Psychiatrist I'm going to see is going to do anyways. Plus, it's bringing me out of a dangerous situation. So I believe that outweighs the sticking to my dosage on my meds at the moment. Also, Lamotrigine is not a controlled substance. So it's not like I'm getting high or something. It's just making it's antidepressant and anxiolytic effects a little more powerful.

I'm also forcing myself to get out more. I went to an art show today and had a good conversation with one of the painters there. So that's a positive. While, I have bad anxiety about talking on the phone for some reason - I'm planning on applying for some jobs so I can force myself to get up early everyday and actually do something that's people oriented. I'm working past the anxiety of being on the phone by calling people I know. I have problems getting a job not because I don't get a call back or something - but because I can't ever bring myself to answer the phone.

Now that I think about it - I seem to be fine when I'm around people. I have intrusive thoughts around people, but that's all I have and fortunately, I can keep those under control. It's very difficult for me to be alone though. When I'm alone is when I start to have hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.

Don't wait to get help you might end up doing something irreversible (killing people/or yourself). This world is full of mass murders & suicides, children dying in school shootings leaving grieving mothers & fathers behind, think about your family too. I am a mother and I would die inside if anyone ever killed my son.

Don't worry I'm not. My homicidal thoughts aren't very prominent at the moment either. I wrote that letter when I really thought something like that was going to happen. I even was planning how I would do it during that time. But I broke down and told my therapist at the time and I was hospitalized. That was a couple years ago. I have worked past a lot of that since then and I no longer have those thoughts all day everyday. I have them every so often. But it's not effecting my life the way it used to.

The reason why I posted that letter to whoever it may concern was because I've never shared that before with anyone and I really just needed to let it out yesterday.

Please get some help, if you need any help getting an appointment hit me up with a PM and ill hook you up with links and phone numbers depending on the whereabouts you live. That's the least I can do for a fellow BLer.

I'm feeling better today. So fortunately I think I'm getting a grasp on everything again. But I appreciate all the advice and information If I never need help I'll certainly PM you if necessary. I also promised myself a long time ago that I would voluntarily hospitalize myself if it ever got to that point again.

 

[Lolie]

I'm desperately trying to retain my grasp on reality. However, the delusions of persecution are really amplifying at the moment. I'm afraid that the government is watching me and I'm some sort of experiment or something and that my life doesn't really exist. Fortunately, I've noticed that this happens and that the symptoms wax and wane. I'm hoping this is just a period where it's getting worse, however, it's never gotten this bad before.

I'm covering up my windows with blankets so no one can see in - making sure all of my windows and doors are locked or barricaded and I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I'm not sleeping well and I have to keep my lights on in order to feel any kind of safety.

Don't wait for your appointment. Get yourself to an emergency room and tell them exactly what you're thinking and feeling.

 

[puffj]

I can't make heads or tails of this but something seems 'off'. You're describing the symptoms of schizophrenia to a T and you're describing life the way someone with schizophrenia would... except your executive function (at least from what I can gauge through your posts) seems fine. Schizophrenics don't realize there is something wrong with them, they almost always think everyone else can't see what they see because of some reason they come up with i.e. "jesus is talking to me through the TV and I'm the only one who can hear it because god chose me and no one else" etc etc. Schizophrenia, almost always begins with a prodromal phase as well (think onset of illness where some issues are noted but ability to function is not compromised). In the majority of schizophrenics there are significant impairments in executive functioning much earlier than full blown hallucinations (no doubt you've researched schizophrenia and know that their are both positive and negative symptoms). These impairments present in the form of speech problems such as problems forming sentences with meaning or saying things which are not in any way relevant to what is being talked about (look up 'alogia' to see exactly what I mean). But like I said, you appear to be more than capable of having rational coherent thought processes as your posts show no indication of speech or though impairment. And if you are as deep into the illness as you describe... which, as described, is full blown schizophrenia, you should not be able to make the kind of posts that you are making.

Now please understand, I'm not judging you or calling you a liar. You may be a rare case where speech and cognition aren't impaired and you only have positive symptoms. But going by statistics you should not be able to produce the kind of posts you do if you actually had schizophrenia. Trust me on this. I went through a 3 year period where I was terrified I would develop schizophrenia because I am (or was) a huge hypochondriac and had manifested OCD regarding schizophrenia because there was no way to rule it out medically until it presented. I have no family history of psychotic disorders, none of the symptoms, but I was so convinced that I obsessively researched schizophrenia (and by obsessively I mean at the end of those 3 years I was a bigger expert on the disease than most doctors). I gave myself stroop tests and Wisconsin card sorting tests to measure my cognition and it was always above average but I could never convince myself that I wasn't going to develop schizophrenia until a few years ago when I reached the age that is considered beyond the range at which schizophrenia normally develops. At night my anxiety was so bad I would think I was hearing things or seeing shadows out of the corner of my eyes... but I wasn't. It was just anxiety heightening my awareness and cranking my adrenaline up so every little thing going on around me that I wouldn't normally even notice was brought to my attention. I even run a hollow mask video by myself every once in a while now just to make sure the illusion still fools me (it doesn't work on schizophrenics due to differences in what's called 'top down processing').

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if what you say is what you really experience, you need to cut the vyvanse out right now as amphetamines directly contraindicated in patients with psychoses which means the are not EVER to be taken by those who have any symptoms of psychosis since they worsen them exponentially. Also you said last month you went without any medication... which means you would have had benzodiazepine withdrawal since you're definitely physically dependent on the Ativan. Benzo withdrawal can do all that stuff your describing especially the sleep related stuff, but if you're back on the Ativan than these symptoms should have dissipated.

Regardless of the reason behind what you're describing... be it a very unique case of persecutory schizophrenia, DID (which is even rarer than winning the lottery), anxiety, bi polar, or any other one of the numerous possibilities, you need to get yourself into treatment right now and if your symptoms are really what you say than you need to skip the ER and get into observation at a mental institution. Bluelight is not where you will find any real help with this. You NEED to be on medication before this gets worse and worse (as it always dose since schizophrenics rarely take their medication) but you seem to be compliant with your Lamictal even though you increased the dosage 100%... but the average schizophrenic would not want to take the medication at all.

Either way man, listen to me when I say this because I mean it with all my heart... GO GET TREATMENT NOW. If your parents are in denial the are not going to be of any help and will actually hurt you by preventing your access to care. Call a taxi if you need to, go to a hospital and tell them you are actively experiencing psychotic symptoms and that you are in an acute psychotic state having a psychotic episode. That will get you past the waiting room very quickly and into the care that it sounds like you very desperately need. Please give us an update whenever you can. I rarely post on BL but I read this thread and had to sign in to post this reply with urgency.

Best wishes,
puffj

 

[blue1995]

Sleep paralysis is so scary. I haven't suffered from it in many years, but I remember it being terrifying. Down where I'm from the Hispanics call it "the devil riding your back." I was certain something spiritual was going on with me, and maybe it was, but a quick search on the internet will explain there are physical reasons for this as well. Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said, I didn't read all the posts on the thread because of time issues.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I gotta say, I found this online and it's exactly what the faces I see everywhere are like. Notice how there's more than one face in the picture? Well the most prominent one (the one I circled in red) is what I see on a daily basis.

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/1963/89lq.png

 

[no_id]

Not schizophrenia
perhaps schizotypy but not sure, there is more adhesion to strange thought/perception in schizotypy.

PTSD : possible
extreme anxiety neurosis : possible

what amaze me is that your "realistic/logical" side seem 100% okay (cause consequence analyze), your moral view seem somewhat okay (you are aware of what is good/bad), but your "internals perceptions" are just all fucked up and play trick with you (memory dream symbolization time...), not to mention hallucination (with no adhesion... It's not really a "schizophrenic" hallucination)

interesting case

Have you ever tried to interpret all the fuck wich is hapenning to you ? Have you some goal ? will ?

 

[nuttynutskin]

I gotta say, I found this online and it's exactly what the faces I see everywhere are like. Notice how there's more than one face in the picture? Well the most prominent one (the one I circled in red) is what I see on a daily basis.

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/1963/89lq.png

So have you seen a psychiatrist?

 

[PotatoMan]

One word. "Seroquel"

 

[Lightning-Nl]

So have you seen a psychiatrist?

Yes, I am currently seeing a Psychiatric professional as of 4 November, 2013. He agreed that I do not have Schizophrenia, my symptoms do not line up with Schizoaffective disorder (but he admitted it was possible), and he believed (as do I) that my psychotic symptoms are a result of anxiety and depression due to psychotic Bipolar disorder.

He changed my Amphetamine regiment from a one time 70Mg's of Lisdexamphetamine (Vyvanse) to a instant release Adderall regiment. I now take 30MG Adderall tablets, three times per day (every 4-5 hours as need). He would have given me Adderall XR, but when I've been on Adderall XR in the past - it's only lasted a very short time as well. Plus this will allow me to take Amphetamine dosages in the evening (when I have the most work anyways) and greatly decrease insomnia associated with extended release stimulant preparations.

He upped my dose of Lamotrigine (antiepileptic mood stabilizer) from 50MG's to 200MG's and it's already helping immensely with mood stabilization, depression and anxiety. Lamotrigine can't stop anxiety once it's started, but it can prevent a lot of anxiety and almost totally eliminates my depression. My productivity has also increased 10-fold due to this combination of Stimulants and Lamotrigine. Adderall greatly helped my focus and motivation on it's own but it tended to destabilize my mood which would lead to an increase in anxiety and ultimately make me less productive in the evening as that anxiety would manifest itself as Obsessions and Compulsive behavior.

Lamotrigine stops the majority of this from happen which allows me stay on task for a much longer period of time - even with Adderall. Since taking Lamotrigine, I've noticed an amazing decrease in my psychotic symptoms. Hallucinations and paranoia from anxiety are still a very real possibility, however, instead of these bouts of depressive anxiety lasting anywhere from 4-8 hours, they only last 20 minutes.

I'm still experiencing occasional panic attacks, however. So my psychiatrist said he would have no problem keeping my Ativan prescription up to day and refilling it as I need it. I am using Ativan less since my Lamotrigine increase, and instead of averaging Ativan use two-times per week - I'm only taking Ativan once every two weeks.

I've realized that my psychotic symptoms are a result of major anxiety. This anxiety leads to depression and very problematic mood issues. My anxiety gets so intense so often that I experience psychotic symptoms. These psychotic symptoms are still present everyday, but they are nowhere near as noticeable as they have been in the past and while my anxiety is still very high when compared to "normal" levels - instead of feeling anxiety that I would rate a 9.8 out of 10 on a daily basis, I'm experiencing anxiety that I would rate a 4-6 out of 10 on a daily basis.

One word. "Seroquel"

One word. No.

I've been on Seroquel before. It was by far one of the worst drugs I've ever had the displeasure of taking. It's not recreational like some people claim and not unlike a blow to the head for sleep. Sure you pass out, but it's side-effects greatly outweigh it's supposed benefits. I experienced extreme agitation on Seroquel and I would sleep a good 18+ hours a day. It greatly exacerbated my RLS, and reduced my motivation and focus from very little to none at all.

Seroquel also gave me antipsychotic malignant syndrome (this is usually caused by dopamine antagonism) which is a severe condition and once you realize you're experiencing this side-effect, you must stop the medication.

 

[endotropic]

Hey SwampFox, really sorry to hear you're going through all of this, but I'm glad to see that things are starting to turn around for you.

How has your communication with your parents been since the initial post? When I experienced mental issues in the past my tendency was always to withdraw from my family. I would convince myself that by letting them know what I was experiencing, they would somehow make things worse for me. How do you think your family would react if you showed them that original post you wrote?

 

[nuttynutskin]

I can't make heads or tails of this but something seems 'off'. You're describing the symptoms of schizophrenia to a T and you're describing life the way someone with schizophrenia would... except your executive function (at least from what I can gauge through your posts) seems fine.

I was sort of thinking that after I thought a little more about this thread, although people with schizophrenia can have times of clarity and aren't always disorganized and nonsensical. Anyways sorry for being so gung ho on the schizophrenia, that's not a good thing to be diagnosed with (no offense to anyone who has it). I was pretty sure it was more than just sleep paralysis in my defense tho. :D

 

[nuttynutskin]

Yes, I am currently seeing a Psychiatric professional as of 4 November, 2013. He agreed that I do not have Schizophrenia, my symptoms do not line up with Schizoaffective disorder (but he admitted it was possible), and he believed (as do I) that my psychotic symptoms are a result of anxiety and depression due to psychotic Bipolar disorder.

He changed my Amphetamine regiment from a one time 70Mg's of Lisdexamphetamine (Vyvanse) to a instant release Adderall regiment. I now take 30MG Adderall tablets, three times per day (every 4-5 hours as need). He would have given me Adderall XR, but when I've been on Adderall XR in the past - it's only lasted a very short time as well. Plus this will allow me to take Amphetamine dosages in the evening (when I have the most work anyways) and greatly decrease insomnia associated with extended release stimulant preparations.

Don't take this the wrong way, but what is the reason for the adderall? I would think that would make someone with bipolar disorder with psychotic symptoms worse. Anyways glad that you're doing better.