Internal Conflict

[dankhead88]

Brief history.​

Now, I've been through various addictions, but during the intoxication, am I truly happy? I was a former heroin and methamphetamine addict, but since I started using again and acquired a felony drug charge, I've found my self on and off every week. Unable to find a second job and pay fines on time, I used to find myself sober for half the week and find myself on a heroin, meth, and cocaine binge the second half, only to sleep in for the next 3-4 days of sobriety until the next weekend comes. Working for 3 days with no sleep and repeating the cycle.

I used to think the stimulating effects of the methamphetamine was making me work well, but I've been sober lately for the past week find myself getting to work earlier and work even more efficiently while even getting back to a healthy lifestyle of exercising. My mind feels more open to artistic perceptions and aesthetic appreciation while exploring new music and ideas. Realizing, I was deluded the whole time under the influence, I still find myself wanting to enjoy the sedated stupor or compulsive stimulation that drugs offer. Even though it really doesn't help me with my social skill, I still feel that unnecessary necessity.

The real question is, does anyone feel absolutely happy while sober yet they still feel the need to get intoxicated and even risk everyday use again?

I have nothing against heroin or methamphetamine as their use taught me a valuable lesson in life, but a part of me wants to be physically/psychologically fueled by these drugs on a daily basis.

I don't know. It's a conflict that I'm having with myself, I just want to see if anyone has any similar experiences.

 

[Moloko Vellocet]

I totally get what you mean. I am at my best when sober. I think clearly, have more energy, motivation, better socially, am able to create music / art freely, make better decisions & generally feel healthy. Come pay day, I'm completely overcome to buy heroin & spend the 3 days: tired, unmotivated, anti-social, devoid of my artistic inclinations, make poor decisions & generally feel unhealthy. I can't seem to get over the euphoria. Smoking endless cigarettes, listening to punk rock & staring at the beautiful flowers in my garden - just doesn't seem as enjoyable without heroin.

 

[Vaya]

Definitely; interesting post, for sure!

First of all, I'm really happy for you that you've been afforded the opportunity to rediscover the pleasures we can take in life without the drugs. The longer I used each time around, the more easily those memories got pushed from recollection, and so I think that, in terms of being sober (and remaining so), your experience is a definite positive prognosis!

Secondly, I've grappled with the following question you pose:

...does anyone feel absolutely happy while sober yet they still feel the need to get intoxicated and even risk everyday use again?

I've felt this way. I try not to let myself forget that it is just a feeling, however, and definitely does not represent reality! Enough evidence of that can be seen in those sober moments when things seem to finally piece together in those ways I'd always hoped they would, ie feeling fulfilled by my everyday schedule, interactions with others and the time I spend with myself.

That risk you speak of is the damning aspect of it all that serves as a potent reminder of how all that I enjoy naturally can suddenly seem drab, bland and worthless next to the prospect of getting high again.

Like the singing Sirens, my forgetting the realities of that risk represents that which will take me down if left unchecked.
And, for me, that's a risk I can no longer afford to take.

 

[dankhead88]

Thank you

Although, I do feel bad, because I feel that I'm not ready for a permanent hiatus, however, being clean certainly helped me with obligations and certainly feels more rewarding, completing those obligations than a needle in my arm, but I feel like a hypocrite if I'm not ready to quit.

 

[Maya]

Thank you

Although, I do feel bad, because I feel that I'm not ready for a permanent hiatus, however, being clean certainly helped me with obligations and certainly feels more rewarding, completing those obligations than a needle in my arm, but I feel like a hypocrite if I'm not ready to quit.

All you can do is try right? I've been in your situation and some of us have and it is quite difficult to get rid of it. But if you always think that you are not going to be ready when are you going to be? The important thing to keep in mind is that you will learn how to fight the urge of addiction and it doesn't matter how may times you fail but on how many times you are going to fight it off and to keep fighting it.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm probably happier sober but i have psychical and mental illnesses that the drugs help significantly with which makes it very hard to stop using drugs