Hey June! I'm glad my story has helped.
It sounds like your other half's life has mirrored my own. Hmmm where to start. Well, my father was an alcoholic, (I can remember him laid on the couch in between vomiting bouts, while I was scrounging around in the kitchen to make myself something to eat aged 5 or 6 - my mother was out at university during the day.) and, that ultimately killed him. He died in a car crash on December 19th 1987. He was apparently trying to get to the Dublin races (I was born and raised in Ireland), after being in a bar all night with his friends, long story short, his mate nodded off at the wheel - my dad tried to take control of the car, and, it ended up underneath an articulated lorry.
I then grew up with a mother who I felt never loved me. I absolutely loved my father. Before I came out to my mother as being gay, aged 19, I had been drinking lots in the lead up. I guess this was the beginning of my alcoholism. She claimed to be 'ok' with my sexuality, but obviously wasn't - she would call me all the names under the sun when she had a drink. When I had a drink, I was told that I was 'just like my father', and had her new guy put me out of the house a few times.
This of course, sent me into full self destruct mode - I then went on nearly a decade long drink rampage. I went back to my home town in Ireland for a year to live with my Grandma, Ireland = drink. You get the picture. Then, online one day, I met the love of my life. We arranged to meet, and, got on like a house on fire. I turned up to 2 of the meetings absolutely off my face drunk. I'm surprised she didn't give me the elbow then.
We were getting along so well, that, she asked me to move in with her a few months later. At this stage, I was drinking huge amounts of booze - carrying around the baggage from my mother, thinking I was just like my father etc, I was going to drink myself into an early grave. My other half - didn't know. So, when she was at work, I would stagger round to the corner shop, buy in a few bottles of wine/beer, drink them all, and be in bed by the time she came in.
I kept up the pretence for months that my slurring was normal, and, she insisted I went to a doctors. One time she had to go away on a school trip - (she's a secondary school teacher) for an entire weekend, and that was game on for me. I drank 40 cans of lager in 36 hours, and 2 bottles of rose. She then worked out my problem...
We went to AA, I made numerous promises I would stop, I went to Alcohol clinics for advice, and nothing worked. My other half at the end of her tether said a few times that she would have to break up with me if we couldn't beat it. A statement like that would often lead me to 3 weeks of (almost forced sobriety) before I would think I could 'control it' if I just had a few, then, I'd be back to being just as bad as I had been before I stopped. Sometimes drinking even more. The time before I finally stopped, I had left behind the beer - my tolerance levels had reached new heights. I had 'graduated' onto vodka. I started with quarter bottles at first, then half bottles, then full big bottles. I would sneak them into the house by going round to the shop wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms. The first sip of vodka in the morning sometimes had to happen in the street as by that stage, I was having shorter time in between withdrawals. I was soooo sick by the end. The physicality it took sometimes to get myself round to the shop was enormous. The constant vomiting, being unable to eat, throwing up stomach acid etc was also taking its toll.
When I was caught that last time, I knew something had to give. My gf was the only person in my life who was stood by me through thick and thin. I knew that moment when she looked at me, took the bottle from me, and walked downstairs without saying a word, that booze had to go. I knew it was going to be tough, but, I couldn't lose her. At that stage, alcohol had robbed me of so much in my life.
So, I went through the withdrawals - 2 weeks of pure hell. Each day was a fight to stay sober. When the physical withdrawals were out of the way, I then went to counselling for months. Before the I went, my gf said I used to clam up, and not talk about what was bothering me, so, I talked about everything - my fathers death, my mothers rejection of me, the fact that my immediate family had all washed their hands of me. It really helped. I used to phone my mother occasionally to check to see how she was. She used to cut me down at first contact. This would in turn set me off drinking even more. Counselling taught me that I don't need her. I don't need any of my immediate family.
The big test came in the first June when I gave up alcohol. (I gave up in the February). My grandma, who I was so close to died. I had to go back to Ireland for the funeral. My mother didn't attend as she had a huge falling out with her mother years before I ever left home. An Irish funeral is just basically alcohol, and people sitting round telling stories. I also had to go back on my own, as it was during term time, and my gf couldn't accompany me. I totally abstained from drink. I was so proud.
After I'd got the funeral done and dusted, I knew I could cope with anything and not drink. I've been doing that ever since. I don't miss it, and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
So, finally on to answering your questions. I knew I had to quit for real that time that I was found with the bottle of vodka under my pillow. We've talked about it since, but, I really think that that was my 'rock bottom'. She has also said that she was ready to walk away at that point as there was no end in sight. She also could not stand by and watch me kill myself as I was doing. So many of her best efforts failed. Being supportive, dropping me off to AA meetings, coming with me to doctors appointments etc. I all wasn't enough. When the lightbulb finally went off in my head, I knew it was time. I wanted to quit too. And, I think if you ask any clean addict, they will tell you that the person has to want to quit for anything to work.
So, the future is bright for me! I've had liver function tests done, and while my liver was swollen when I did give it up, my liver has now returned back to normal function. So, no lasting damage. (That was the other big thing for me - I thought physically I was in such bad shape, I'd gone past the point of no return so may as well keep drinking to 'finish off the job') Thank goodness the liver is a self healing organ!
I've also asked my gf(/wife/whatever she is now called- we gays have such a hard time with the 'labelling'!!! >_<) was she scared of losing me. She said yes, she was, but, she was prepared to walk away and lose me if it made me see what alcohol was doing. She wanted me to pass on this message to you June- If your other half knows that you are just as afraid of losing him i.e - if you put your foot down and say 'right, no more booze, get to counselling', he knows you won't mean it. If you do give him an ultimatum and he does choose alcohol, then you have to be prepared to walk away until he comes to his senses. If he truly, truly loves you, yes - the decision will be hard, but, he will fight for you.
You also need to stop protecting him. I don't mean sticking up posters with his face on saying 'boozer - beware!', but, it sounds like to me - if he is alternating his off licences, that it is something he is ashamed about. Surely if it is the love of his life - he shouldn't? So far, it is you making all the running. It makes me feel bad to say that my gf was doing the same. For that, I feel deep shame and regret that I put her through that. For an addict though - it is a safe haven. He can continue to get pissed in peace knowing that none of life's serious problems will come knocking at his door.
I really, really sincerely wish you all the best June. If you need anything else, just shout, and I'll only be too happy to help
x Sarah x
) You are sooo totally right though - it is character building! :D