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When 'no' really does mean 'yes'

IAmJacksUserName

IAmJacksUserName

Bluelighter
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Sep 11, 2004
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I am a big believer that no means no. Period. But I recently had a short relationship with a girl who would frequently say 'no' to me, but when I stopped, she would often get frustrated and say things like, 'you know, you can force yourself on me', and then we'd perceive to have great sex. Before we parted ways (we were both living in a foreign country and she had to go home), I said to her something along the lines of: if we were staying together, we'd need to have a talk about what 'no' means, because you're confusing me. She insisted that there was a difference between her real no's and her teasing no's, and I guess I sort of figured her out after awhile (obviously, I never raped her). But I still didn't like it, because I never want to be in the position of making that kind of mistake. Particularly since there's a small chance I will get with her again one day (it was a very brief but brilliant fling).

I want to know what guys think who have been in this position, but I really want to know what girls think. Is it ever okay for someone to play around with the word 'no' in bed when there's not some kind of safety word in place? (she thought the idea of a safety word was silly, because she thought she was being obvious) Was I just over-reacting? Given that 'no means yes' is a cliche for rapist logic, I could never understand why a girl would ever mess with that word before establishing clear ground rules.
 
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Yeaah definitely agree with all you said there. I don't think that's in any way something to mess around with without there having been some discussion about it beforehand/without some safeword being established etc. As you said, it only takes one mistake...you definitely weren't overreacting. You'd think she'd be more understanding about your point of view frankly.
 
not all communication is direct and language-based. often times sitting down and "talking" with the girl is a total turn-off to her.

"But I still didn't like it, because I never want to be in the position of making that kind of mistake."

it's just a difference between men and women. i've learned men (myself included) tend to want to make things "concrete," a "rule" to fall back on, and women want the mystery of you figuring it out, of going with the flow.

in the end there are no such thing as concrete rules. everyone is truly unique and different. any answer someone gives you is just their answer. it doesn't necessarily have any bearing on anything to do with you and your woman.
 
i like to play around with consent. but i do it with partners who i know and trust, and we have a word i can use if i really mean "no" or "stop". but i would never spring that kind of play on a new person, that is just inconsiderate.
 
So she's a kinky girl who likes to role play "rape" eh whatever floats her boat. Just have a safe word if you choose to do this with another female that's into it, because it can cross very strict lines. And make both partners feel awkward and violated.

I've never been into that whole role play "rape" thing. But many people get turned on by it.:\
 
yea some girls like rape play shit.

99% of girls will say "no" when they mean "Yes" when it comes to other things, like when you ask them if theyre upset, if they want to go out, etc etc. girlfriends are confusing and difficult on purpose, some do it very rarely, some do it constantly, but all of them do it.
 
oh man that would drive me crazy! I couldn't do it... I would have to tell her to knock it the fuck off or I'm done.

It's just not fun or funny or cute or any of those things when it's rape and/or a rape charge we're talking about here were some god awful, terribly unfortunate misunderstanding to occur.
 
I had a girlfriend who always did this type of shit, not just in the bedroom but in every aspect of her life. She ended up being bat shit crazy. Your girl actually seems more sane than mine because she talked to you about the situation, but you definitely weren't overreacting.
 
Personally I will never deal with that shit, even if I wasn't afraid she ACTUALLY meant no - it's still ridiculously uncomfortable.
 
trozzle said:
Personally I will never deal with that shit, even if I wasn't afraid she ACTUALLY meant no - it's still ridiculously uncomfortable.
Click to expand...

This... I've never experienced this and if I ever did I would stop regardless if she meant it or not. My best advice would be to stay away.
 
As a female:
1.) Unlikely, but perhaps she is into the whole kinky rape thing.
2.) Some girls are weird about sex, and feel "dirty" if they come on to the male. Maybe she felt better denying you, kind of giving you the brush off and then being flattered when you continued to peruse.
 
I wouldn't be able to do it. Sounds dangerous.
But if you are going to do something like that, make sure you have a "safe word"
 
Seriously a safe word would be the thing there. I had a girlfriend like that quiet some time ago she would play that crazy ass no/yes game. Though she was largely one of those women that felt dirty if she pressed the encounter. I finally had to tell her look, no is no period, but that led to a long ass conversation where we established a safe word. Ironically though she was in the habit of initiating sex while I was asleep- she felt dirty starting things if I was awake but if I was asleep she loved to start things with me half asleep/ totally knocked out.( not that I am complaining that was fun but girl was just freaking crazy).
 
pokes said:
As a female:
1.) Unlikely, but perhaps she is into the whole kinky rape thing.
2.) Some girls are weird about sex, and feel "dirty" if they come on to the male. Maybe she felt better denying you, kind of giving you the brush off and then being flattered when you continued to peruse.
Click to expand...

I think it was the second, which is worse than the first in my opinion. I think she actually did want me to be a little forceful at times to get her properly turned on, though at other times she was domineering. It's also worth mentioning that she was two-timing her boyfriend (who lived on another continent) throughout the duration of our thing.

Whatever, she's a 20 hour plane ride away now.
 
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