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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The EADD Mental Health Support Thread

I am doing that too, for sure. Is not just that though. The other stuff (housing/social) was a problem from the moment I chose to move here though. Was just much easier to put to back of mind when I had pleasing distractions is all. Am in shitty situation with little or no hope of escape the whole time but now I am much more acutely aware of that fact cos there are no distractions left at all.

Am genuinely worried about my mental state of late cos it seems to be rapidly degenerating. That recent period of rather intense suicidal contemplation (and really was contemplation rather than the usual just being at end of tether and throwing a wobbly stuff I'm used to - I didn't even feel in control of my own thoughts cos simply could not think of anything else for days on end) has faded somewhat. It's even possible it could've been brought on by recent illness and/or meds (both prescribed meds had "acute mental health issues" (specifically depression, psychosis and visual/auditory hallucinations) and singled out suicidal thoughts for special warning). The overwhelmingly oppressive thought-loops do seem to have passed (or certainly greatly lessened) but am a long way from being a happy bunny all the same.

The kinda thoughts that went through my head may not be ones I have even the slightest interest in acting on but they are fundamentally true and kinda depressing with it. Ones that came most often tended to revolve around the complete waste of time it's all been so far. I'm getting on for forty and have made such little impression on anything that if I died tomorrow the only people who'd be at my funeral would be my mother (she'd probably bring her boyfriend cos she'd need a lift but he doesn't really count as a funeral-goes for that reason) and my remaining brothers. Is not much to show for a life. Not saying that nobody else would care (cos I'm sure some people would) but nobody else would ever even know.

The one that bothered me most was kinda related to that. Was the thought that if I died right now falling off the bog in a drunken stupor, or hanging from a door handle after a bout of autoerotic asphyxiation, or for any reason at all for that matter, if I were to shuffle from this mortal coil now or any other time whilst I'm stuck here it would only be when I'd rotted down to a pool of stinky goo anybody would know it had happened. Would have to freeze-dry me instead of cremating me so I didn't put out the ovens at the crematorium. Possibly. Is just not a nice realisation to have when it is completely factually accurate. A stupid thing to fixate on, for sure, but I'm sure plenty peeps know how it goes when negative mindstates settle in for a while.

Morbidity aside, the common thread is the relevant bit. The isolation is just getting to me more and more by the moment. Can't bear it. Half the time I'm worried I'm losing the plot and becoming... well... the kinda person for whom face-to-face conversations have become pretty much one-off annual events at best. And the other half of the time I'm just plain miserable. Am a very self-contained person, very comfortable with my own company, never get bored cos I am all I need... or at least I always thought so. Is very different when you no longer have a choice though. Particularly when you can't see how to even get to a stage where there could be a choice in the future.

Is true I'm feeling kinda bleak for perfectly sensible reasons at the moment - bereavement is a terrible thing - but my situation genuinely is bleak. And far too close to being actually hopeless for comfort. Grief will pass but situation will remain the same and it's the latter part which is causing the real problem. Hence all the recent postings of misery and woe. I never get any outside perspective on anything unless I ask here cos there is nobody else to ask. Although I guess I'm not really asking anything (unless any of y'all happen to be landlords with accommodation available somewhere nice for folk on benefits - longshot but gotta be worth an ask :D) so much as just spouting - getting stuff off chest cos am weighed down a bit heavy at the moment. It's either this or The Samaritans and the latter don't have a choonz thread so...
 
Depression isn't feeling crappy when things are going badly.
Depression is feeling crappy even when you've won the lottery.
Depression is finding out you're having a baby when you've been told you're infertile.
Depression, IS.
 
I'm well aware of what depression is. I'd agree with those first two but the third would probably snap me out of any depression for a number of reasons. Although depression would likely swiftly be replaced by abject terror as I considered the various options for birthing this miracle child 8o
 
Shambles said:
I'm well aware of what depression is. I'd agree with those first two but the third would probably snap me out of any depression for a number of reasons. Although depression would likely swiftly be replaced by abject terror as I considered the various options for birthing this miracle child 8o
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More of an emotive expression than a choice.
 
Shambles! I tried to quote your posts but it was ending up a bit wordy, so will just waffle some suggestions instead.

You're not stuck where you are, but it sounds like it'll be a gradual move rather than a sudden one. But you can start thinking about places you'd consider and future plans. Making tiny steps towards something/somewhere is better than doing nothing and staying put.

In terms of isolation.. I kind of hate myself for saying this, but Facebook would be a good quick way of being a bit more integrated into civilisation. Even if 'civilisation' is just us guys talking more about boring stuff and less about drugs. ;)

Motivation-wise, have you tried just going outside, getting some fresh air, that sort of thing? It'd be a better plan than reaching for stims. Also stop drinking, or at least stop getting very drunk. It's not going to help the depression.

Shambles said:
It's even possible it could've been brought on by recent illness and/or meds (both prescribed meds had "acute mental health issues" (specifically depression, psychosis and visual/auditory hallucinations) and singled out suicidal thoughts for special warning).
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Er, you think? If prescription meds list those as side-effects, then if you get those side-effects there's a good chance that's what caused them.

Shambles said:
Although I guess I'm not really asking anything (unless any of y'all happen to be landlords with accommodation available somewhere nice for folk on benefits - longshot but gotta be worth an ask :D) so much as just spouting - getting stuff off chest cos am weighed down a bit heavy at the moment. It's either this or The Samaritans and the latter don't have a choonz thread so...
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Sadly not! But spout away, anyway.
 
tommy m said:
Just registered to have a bit of a chat with you all. I used to post on here a few years back when I actually sort of enjoyed taking drugs. Thats mostly done and dusted. I was gonna post in the DS forum but tbh there's some fucking messed up shit posted in there... I don't think I'm that far gone.
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Glad you popped by for a chat.. sorry I don't know the answer to your question, but someone here will.

Can I suggest you re-post this as its own thread (here, in European and African Discussion)? It's a bit of a specific question and I think there are a lot of benzo experts that don't tend to read this thread. I don't want it to go unnoticed. :)
 
swampdragon said:
You're not stuck where you are, but it sounds like it'll be a gradual move rather than a sudden one. But you can start thinking about places you'd consider and future plans. Making tiny steps towards something/somewhere is better than doing nothing and staying put.
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This is true. Currently I am stuck but I know this doesn't have to be forever. Is looking like a long time though. Worked out what I owe to landlords earlier and came out at nearly six years before it's paid off. That's a long time. Far too long of a time. But no point worrying about that now cos is fuck all I can do about that and I don't know for sure yet whether it might be possible to move still owing rent arrears and just treat it as any other debt. I don't really see why that couldn't be the case though which probably suggests am in better mood than have been last few days. There's only one way to know for sure though and I guess that would have to be first step towards anything cos if landlords say "No" then I don't see there's any other option than just leaving and dealing with consequences as and when.

Which I'm quite happy to do. Doing things "right" would be nice cos have never tried that before but destination is more important than journey in this case. Destination being the bigger problem cos where the fuck do you even start? I do have a very vague plan of action based on the fact I have a brother who lives in Bristol and that could possibly be used to my benefit. And Bristol seems like a nice enough place (having been all of two or maybe even three times before (back when EADD meets actually happened sometimes :D) so am virtually a native really). Is a bit flimsy (to say the least) but is all I've got to work with really.

Have been thinking about it for a while now - even spoken to brother about it when he was here for a while over the summer - so do have the beginnings of a plan of action kicking about. Is more than a little tentative though and gonna take a long time to get anywhere if it ever does. Guess a lot of this is impatience cos there are possibilities. They just seem so very distant though. Cos they are. But I know bitchin' 'bout it doesn't change that fact and only finding things to actually do can.

Which brings us to...

swampdragon said:
Motivation-wise, have you tried just going outside, getting some fresh air, that sort of thing? It'd be a better plan than reaching for stims. Also stop drinking, or at least stop getting very drunk. It's not going to help the depression.
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The drinking thing I definitely know about and totally agree. Was actually completely teetotal for a lot of the summer. Is only really the last month or so I've hit the booze a bit. Nothing like as often as I was but, given the way it affects me at the moment, still far too much. Not drinking would be absolutely fine by me if I can stick to it. Will need to up drug intake to compensate, mind. That's not saying much though cos really haven't been taking drugs a fraction of the way I used to. I don't mean daily use or owt, just investing in a thing or two so I've got something nice a couple nights a week. A boy needs his intoxicants, but he definitely doesn't need some of 'em and booze is top of that last, for sure.

As for bracing country walks and that, you'd be amazed how hard that is here. Surrounded by rather glorious countryside but can't get to any of it without transport. I do go out of my way to find excuses to go into town but "town" consists of a single, modest-sized street so is not much of a walk really. It would be nice to get out to some of the towns nearby cos I do enjoy getting out and about when I can. Can only do that when I have a specific reason to go though cos just can't afford travel costs unless I have no choice.

Okay, I accept that's all a bit close to going out of my way to find negatives (although actually not really half as much as it sounds) but the fact remains that much as I enjoy pottering about (and I really do - am very fond of walking for the sake of walking) it really doesn't motivate me to do stuff. Have just become plain apathetic these last few years. I know stims are not an ideal solution but I just can't see anything happening (other than me continuing to whinge endlessly, of course) otherwise. Am not meaning as a daily thing or owt, just to break up the inaction.

I know what I've become like since moving here. I let junk, crap and (frankly) filth build up in my flat for years on end cos I just didn't care and couldn't find the motivation to do a thing about it. Bought meself a gramme of 2-FA a couple months back and cleared nearly a dozen binbags full of shite from flat (have clear floor space for first time since not so very long after I moved in 8o) mopped several years worth of fuck knows what off the floor and even (finally) sorted my sleeping situation out - now have an actual bed (sort of) to sleep on. Still got plenty that needs doing but achieved more in one day than I have in the last five years. Not saying chemical assistance is the best solution to motivation issue, just that it's the only practical solution for now. Strategically deployed. It's that destination more important than journey thing again - don't care how it happens just that it has to happen.

Oh, one potential positive thing in terms of getting out and about a bit may be somewhere over the horizon. My drug counsellor recently mentioned a scheme they have which would involve me spending one day a week in the next town. The crappy, ugly one I don't like (obviously) but would at least be out the house a bit. Not actually entirely sure what thing actually involves cos just kinda said "Yes" automatically cos was summat to do. Have a vague memory it is summat to do with gardening (cos was called "Seeds of Change" or some such thing) but could very well be wrong cos starts in the next month or two which is hardly gardening season. Dunno. Guess I'll find out though. Just waiting to hear about funding for travel expenses cos can't afford it otherwise. Doubt that'll be a problem though so suppose I do have a thing pencilled in diary. Had totally forgotten about that till I started typing this paragraph (well, just before I started anyway). Must remember to chase her up on that next week.

swampdragon said:
Er, you think? If prescription meds list those as side-effects, then if you get those side-effects there's a good chance that's what caused them.
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Hehe. I guess it is a possibility, yes ;)

swampdragon said:
In terms of isolation.. I kind of hate myself for saying this, but Facebook would be a good quick way of being a bit more integrated into civilisation. Even if 'civilisation' is just us guys talking more about boring stuff and less about drugs. ;)
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Ha! I don't think you realise quite how much I dislike Facebook ;)

I can see why you'd suggest that but I really can't see that happening. Facebook is like all the things I detest most in the world rolled into one. I tend to be of the opinion that suicide would be a better option than joining Facebook and that that should be applied retrospectively to those that already have :p

I suppose never say never... so will just say I can't imagine a reality where that would ever happen but 1^500 is a very big number so maybe it's in one I've not checked yet ;)

swampdragon said:
Sadly not! But spout away, anyway.
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It appears I have not so much spouted as gushed :!

I do know the meaning of the word 'concise' but have never quite mastered it in action :o
 
Shambles said:
As for bracing country walks and that, you'd be amazed how hard that is here. Surrounded by rather glorious countryside but can't get to any of it without transport. I do go out of my way to find excuses to go into town but "town" consists of a single, modest-sized street so is not much of a walk really.
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Shambles there are the roman steps at the end of the park, its quite nice up on top of that hill. Its not truely getting away from it all, but it would do you the world of good to have an amble up there perhaps 3 times a week. Doing things like that have a very subtle but noticeable effect on mood. Dont expect miracles, but you might be surprised at the difference it makes. As your town is so small its quite a small walk to escape it and then you are in the countryside. Its so long since i lived there i cant remember any other routes but the roman steps. Even having a walk along the river banks past the railway station is very pleasant. Plus there are tons of mushies there, or there was in the time i was there.

Funny, my drugs counsellor mentioned the community gardening thing at my last session too. There may have been a bulletin sent out to all of them or something.

It seems you are begininning to pick up the pieces again and starting to think of possibilties which is a huge step forward from where you were a few weeks back.
 
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Ha! I forgot I should've asked you for ideas on the rambling route front, MDB. Did used to walk in the areas you mentioned when I first came here but totally forgot - thanks for reminder. And tips on mushie-hunting grounds are always more than welcome :D

(for those who aren't me or mdb, we recently discovered that he grew up in the town i now live in - small world, huh 8o)

You got the gardening too then, eh? I thought that was just a local scheme. Guess it must be national. I remember she said it's run two or three times a year but didn't really go into details about it cos kinda bit her hand off cos is summat to break the monotony.

And yes, have been feeling quite a bit better today than have been recently. Dunno whether it's cos I've shaken off last of that iffy infection I had, the meds I was taking to help shake it off, plastering vasty posts of misery and woe across EADD and generally venting and getting stuff of chest, all or none of the above. Don't care much either as long as it continues to improve. Have been more than a bit concerned about how far down I've been going so am more than a bit pleased at a bit of relief. Now to see if I can avoid slipping back again. Have always been prone to pretty (very) extreme moodswings but this one is not so extreme so hopefully a sign it's a genuine change in mood rather than just the upswing before another crash :!
 
And Bristol seems like a nice enough place (having been all of two or maybe even three times before (back when EADD meets actually happened sometimes ) so am virtually a native really).
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What you even know the language and everything ;)

oh yeah i have read your post Shammy just so you knows .
 
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its a weird language it Bristol, i was at the university of woe there. Both at cribbs causeway i think it was, and the far more beautiful st mathias in fishponds. The loacals called the bus driver "drive", "one way to town plz drive" hahhaa. Every region has its funny little ways.
 
Cribbs Causeway Shopping Centre . that's my idea of Hell right there MDB how apt it is mentioned in this thread as a visit to that place no just the very thought of it is likely to turn me in to a Anxious Wreck .

Yeah i call him "Drive" as well "cheers Drive" i'll say it in about 20 mins when i get on the bus just for you .:)
 
lol, aye my memory is failing me about cribs causeway, there is no uni campus, its frenchay, and some other causeway im thinking of but cant remember the name.

Its a nice city though Bristol, i think its st georges with The Cadbury House pub and all the colourfull houses painted blue and stuff, and of course clifton and its bridge. Bath also as everyone knows is very beautiful. You're lucky to live in such nice cities. Though it has its rough parts too of course. St Pauls, and Fishponds roiad is said to have some National Front pubs and all students are warned in their 'welcome pack' never to even set foot in the pubs frequented by those guys.
 
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I love the Bristol accent on an attractive girl. Second only to Coventry (yes, I'm weird :D).

Sorry, I know there's a thread for this.
 
mydrugbuddy said:
lol, aye my memory is failing me about cribs causeway, there is no uni campus, its frenchay, and some other causeway im thinking of but cant remember the name.

Its a nice city though Bristol, i think its st georges with The Cadbury House pub and all the colourfull houses painted blue and stuff, and of course clifton and its bridge. Bath also as everyone knows is very beautiful. You're lucky to live in such nice cities. Though it has its rough parts too of course. St Pauls, and Fishponds roiad is said to have some National Front pubs and all students are warned in their 'welcome pack' never to even set foot in the pubs frequented by those guys.
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Ya talking about The UWE i think .

Went to a few raves there back in the 90s
 
yeah thats the one about the uni. I wasnt brainy or hardworking enough to get into the proper University of Bristol, thats one of the most prestigious unis in the country, just below oxford and cambridge. I went there to use their library though, and saw a guy there who had literally been on Mastermind the night before. The people there were frighteningly clever. Some of them just looked right through me and knew i didnt belong to that uni, and was an imposter from the not so brilliant ex polytechnic. That wasnt paranoia, i heard them loudly say it to each other.

me too about the raves. We were possibly in the same room on the same nights. I was there from 91 - 94. Went to Lakota a few times too. Saw Eatstatic there. That was a cool place. One night when we came out there was a top of the range flashy sports car parked near by with the drivers door open, keys in the ignition, but no one inside or near by. We were good boys and walked on by, if one of us had of been feeling mischievious that night fuck knows what could have happened.
 
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I'm currently shifting from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline.

Currently I'm taking 40mg of Amitryptyline and 37.5mg of instant release Venlafaxine which I'm breaking in half and taking when the zapps start.

It's going better than last time I came of Venlafaxine possibly because I stopped all ADs that time btu also because I'd been on a higher dose for quite some time. So far the only significant ill effects are acid indigestion and a bit of diarrhea, which give the codeine I'm getting through is an achievement in itself.

in a week or so I'll be off the Venlafaxine and up to 50mg of Amitriptyline a day, I'm fairly certain that the dose will need to be considerably higher to help with my persistent depression and anxiety.

I know Monsta takes the stuff, I'm just interested in what doses and schedule people are using tricyclics have proven to give me very few side effects in the past compared to SSRIs so I intent to stick with this one for a good while to see how it goes.
 
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