• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

That itch

onetwonine

onetwonine

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 28, 2010
Messages
269
Location
Ontario, Canada
I'm pretty sure many of you can identify with that relapse itch that you feel before you fall off.

Well I've been doing great on MMT past 5 months, haven't pissed dirty once (actually staying clean not just fuxin with the test).

Well lately I've been feeling heavy urges, unmistakable relapse itch. I dunno what it is. The reintroduction of needles in my life because of steroid use, or my on and off use of benzos and now barbs. Whatever it is, it's here and it doesn't seem to be going away. Everytime this feeling has propped up I've hopped back on the dope train and nearly killed myself EVERYtime.

My reason for posting this is to try find something that might make all this seem less inevitable. Any success stories of just shaking these feelings and going on? Any benchmark time period to look out for where it will go away so I can hold on till then?
 
Last edited:
hey onetwonine... . you are identifying things in your current situation that are for sure aiding in that itch of relapse. that is a good thing to be able to pin some of these physical elements down but ridding them is another thing. you have to continuously work on a structure that facilitates the progression of protecting you from slipping. the shit happens.. right?? but being aware of how it happens with you is so big. it really shows that your mind/soul are working in the direction of that you wish to obtain. do you feel you can abstain from the benzo's, barbs and steroid's??? these can easily be pushing you into that so called itch even more. by adding these chemicals into the mix your mind it is natural going to want to works it way back to the other side.

what is your methadone dose??

at 5 months even in MMT you are still at a very vulnerable time. the more you are supplementing with other substances the further this transitional time will take. if you can stay just with in your MMT at around 9 months of steering clear and working a healthy plan you have put in to place and practiced you should really start to see that urge become less. i would hold your dose as low as possible and with in 12-18 months with the correct elements you should find yourself in a pretty good place. depending on how "you" feel around that 18 month mark could be a good time to start a reduction from .5-.9mg/day and doing as many holds as you feel necessary. of course this is greatly determined by your dose and how you are feeling. if you are patient, mindful and proactive with MMT and the reduction process it could be very successful for you.

relapse is huge in knowing your own impulses, the more you see/feel and accept them the stronger you will become. do you have some or any form of a recovery plan and goals? do you feel you have a support group friends/family/meetings? this could really help you also along with keeping track of your thoughts and feeling through out this time.

i wish you the best in working through this and finding your straight line! keep focused, patient and aware building up more and more time.. you can and will make it past this onetwonine!!
 
I'm at 50mgs and not planning to go up.

My mmt doc would immediately push higher doses if i told him about my cravings.

It doesn't work though. Never has.
 
that is great! yeah totally stay at the 50mg.

sooo.. the benzo's and barbiturates are not screened for on your drug test?

if you are at 5 months with not getting on the tetter-totter that is a nice time period. like i was saying reaching the 9 month mark with being proactive in other ways then just taking methadone these itches start to really let up. wanting to scratch that itch is something that will always be around. it just becomes more distant with time and learning how to control your addiction/impulses. i have found that when not using anything even herb that reaching 9-12 month period you will be amazed at how far you have come and where you find your urges at.
 
Please try to limit your intake of the benzos and others, its so much easier to fall off the wagon when youre being prodded along by other drugs. Im currently dealing with this; weed is no longer satisfying enough. I moved to meth heavily for awhile but its so drastic on your physical appearance. I was messing with ecstasy and LSD until I realized you cant take those often. Now the past few days Im messing with vics, oxys, roxys, and methadone. Xanax sprinkled throughout all of this.

I noticed if I can get through the morning without using a hard drug I can smoke just wax the rest of the day (sometimes). One little vicodin or xanax though and then I want booze and then I want meth and then etc. etc. Please consider this advice if nothing else is working. Good luck man.
 
Last edited:
I am just past a year clean without using heroin and I'm also on methadone maintenance.
I was also on 50ml daily but down to 35ml now.
Every time I felt the urge to score I would either go for a walk until the urge had passed or if that wasn't possible I would say to myself 'if I still want to score in an hour then I will'.
Usually by the time that hour had passed so had my urge to score. Well worth trying to find something that will work for you in helping to fight that scoring urge.
 
I smoke weed to deal with the itch.
I know exactly what you mean.
I recently discovered a hook up for some benzos and I am so fucking tempted.
it's bad.
I'm dreaming about vanilla valiums.
however,if I take ONE it's bye,bye on the crazy train.
I ,like you,have to be a man here.
light up instead is what I do.
 
I'm on suboxone maintenence myself. I find myself trapped in "druggy mode" right now, trying to relive the old euphoria. I drink once a week, use phenibut,
And sometimes cannabis.
 
Last edited:
thedawn said:
I smoke weed to deal with the itch.
I know exactly what you mean.
I recently discovered a hook up for some benzos and I am so fucking tempted.
it's bad.
I'm dreaming about vanilla valiums.
however,if I take ONE it's bye,bye on the crazy train.
I ,like you,have to be a man here.
light up instead is what I do.
Click to expand...

Weed is just not for me man. I dislike the effect it has had on my cognition.
 
idk, 50mgs isnt a high dose by any means. if you went up say 10mgs it might lower the cravings. id get the needles far away from you, people places and things really are triggers. and as said, 5mos is still very vulnerable.
 
Its a good idea to look often at where we are in the cycle of addiction to determine what we need to do to facilitate a peaceful and successful recovery.

The Cycle of Addiction Is Characterized By:
​


  • Frustration and internal pain that leads to anxiety and a demand for relief of these symptoms
  • Fantasizing about using alcohol and drugs or behaviors to relieve the uncomfortable symptoms
  • Obsessing about using drugs and alcohol and how his or her life will be after the use of substances
  • Engaging in the addictive activity, such as using substances to gain relief (acting out)
  • Losing control over the behavior
  • Developing feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction
  • Making a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use
  • After a period of time, the pain returns, and the addict begins to experience the fantasies of using substances again.
This cycle can rotate on a variable basis. For example, binge users rotate through this cycle more slowly. Daily users may rotate through the cycle of addiction daily or several times throughout the day.
 
The Cycle of Addiction Is Characterized By:
​


  • Frustration and internal pain that leads to anxiety and a demand for relief of these symptoms
  • Fantasizing about using alcohol and drugs or behaviors to relieve the uncomfortable symptoms
  • Obsessing about using drugs and alcohol and how his or her life will be after the use of substances
  • Engaging in the addictive activity, such as using substances to gain relief (acting out)
  • Losing control over the behavior
  • Developing feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction
  • Making a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use
  • After a period of time, the pain returns, and the addict begins to experience the fantasies of using substances again.


wow neversick thank you for that. i couldnt have said it better myself, you just pinned down exactly how i feel every day of my life.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
If anyone is wondering. That itch has been scratched. I relapsed.

I think what does it to me is when I decide everything is inevitable and stop tryna fight.

Not proud.

But hella high.
 
But you can fight right? There will be rocks on the road but it is your will to fight off the urge that will lead you to the path of being clean and sober. People make mistakes and I believe you have also read some of the advices/posts on other threads. Most of us have relapsed, I too have relapsed from my alcoholic days but I fought it off. What's important is you are learning from this and that you will continue the fight. <3
 
Maya said:
But you can fight right? There will be rocks on the road but it is your will to fight off the urge that will lead you to the path of being clean and sober. People make mistakes and I believe you have also read some of the advices/posts on other threads. Most of us have relapsed, I too have relapsed from my alcoholic days but I fought it off. What's important is you are learning from this and that you will continue the fight. <3
Click to expand...

I will.

I mean two days back in, I've already been shorted (though the dealer did pay me back a little, not fully), already fucked up a shot. I didn't really miss any of this.

I'm gonna try just stop it here. At this weekend. Fuck conventional wisdom. No rock bottom will be hit here. My relapse will last two days.

I'm ready for the consequences when I piss hot at the clinic, won't even try cover it up.
 
^
Nip that bud in the something.

I know if I relapse I will get perphaps 5 shots in before having to grope around for the femoral , very demotivating!
 
onetwonine said:
I mean two days back in, I've already been shorted, already fucked up a shot. I didn't really miss any of this.

I'm gonna try just stop it here. At this weekend. Fuck conventional wisdom. No rock bottom will be hit here. My relapse will last two days.
Click to expand...

well.. . shit you scratched that itch and really remembered you do not like getting bit.

really nice thought/feeling in your words, sounds like this could be giving you some really good clarity and momentum. how is the MMT coming along are you still holding at the 50mg? just stride right on by this, not holding on to any of it and keep moving forward.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top