Blueyed314
Greenlighter
I haven't told a soul, or spoken about it out loud. But I think it's breaking me and I have to tell someone.
My brother is stupid. Sure, he can fix computers and is good with numbers, but he's not all right in the head. He has no boundaries, no inner voice telling him to stop, or at least he doesn't listen to it.
I was six years old, a child in every way. He was my big brother, seven years older than me, and he knew everything. He should have known not to do what he did, but he did it anyways.
He didn't rape me, not then, not when I had nothing to rape. But that first time, I was six, and dozing on my parents bed, who are happily married. I was wearing my mermaid pjs, and I can still remember how they felt. I think it was summer, because I was hot, and slightly sweaty. Everyone was gone, I don't remember where, but it was just me and him, and I remember something soft and rubbery in my no no zone.
I remember his nails biting against my flesh, and I peaked through my lashes to see him peering down there. I had a sense of both curiosity and wrongness. After a while I felt a great amount of wetness, and he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came out he told me to take a shower.
It didn't stop there. There were other times, countless times, but I remember one specific time, when I was Ellen or twelve, where it hurt for him to be in me.
I know what he did was wrong, in more ways than one, but I don't know what to do. I was fine mentally, I think, because when I was thirteen or fourteen he asked me and I said no, so he stopped.
But I have a sister two years older than me. She's like a second mother really, and is extremely mature and motherly. After a while, after he quit, I went downstairs to see my sister. I thought my brother was playing a video game or something but I have really quiet footsteps. I will often be sitting on the couch or walking into a room and no one will know I'm even there until they ask and I answer and they're surprised.
Anyways, I walked over to my sisters room, my best friend, and I heard sounds. Kissing, and not the quick peck on the cheek kind, but wet, deep kisses.
Mom and dad were out walking the dogs. I had been watching tv upstairs. The only two people it could have been are my siblings. I was shocked.
I saw shadows moving, but no details.
Still, it got me to thinking about the possibility that I wasn't the only one, and from the sounds coming from the room, I would have guessed that my sister wasn't NOT into it. I don't know how she can do it. I don't know how I could do it. And I now I don't know what to do.
The thing is I don't hate my brother, and I don't hate my sister. I pity my brother, because he's going to have to live with everything he's done. But my sister, my best friend, is another story. I don't know how to feel because I don't how she feels. Her eyes don't tell me anything. My brother is like an open book, and its scary how conflicting his eyes are. He has the same eyes as me, and that isn't right.
Someone, I need guidance.
My brother is stupid. Sure, he can fix computers and is good with numbers, but he's not all right in the head. He has no boundaries, no inner voice telling him to stop, or at least he doesn't listen to it.
I was six years old, a child in every way. He was my big brother, seven years older than me, and he knew everything. He should have known not to do what he did, but he did it anyways.
He didn't rape me, not then, not when I had nothing to rape. But that first time, I was six, and dozing on my parents bed, who are happily married. I was wearing my mermaid pjs, and I can still remember how they felt. I think it was summer, because I was hot, and slightly sweaty. Everyone was gone, I don't remember where, but it was just me and him, and I remember something soft and rubbery in my no no zone.
I remember his nails biting against my flesh, and I peaked through my lashes to see him peering down there. I had a sense of both curiosity and wrongness. After a while I felt a great amount of wetness, and he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came out he told me to take a shower.
It didn't stop there. There were other times, countless times, but I remember one specific time, when I was Ellen or twelve, where it hurt for him to be in me.
I know what he did was wrong, in more ways than one, but I don't know what to do. I was fine mentally, I think, because when I was thirteen or fourteen he asked me and I said no, so he stopped.
But I have a sister two years older than me. She's like a second mother really, and is extremely mature and motherly. After a while, after he quit, I went downstairs to see my sister. I thought my brother was playing a video game or something but I have really quiet footsteps. I will often be sitting on the couch or walking into a room and no one will know I'm even there until they ask and I answer and they're surprised.
Anyways, I walked over to my sisters room, my best friend, and I heard sounds. Kissing, and not the quick peck on the cheek kind, but wet, deep kisses.
Mom and dad were out walking the dogs. I had been watching tv upstairs. The only two people it could have been are my siblings. I was shocked.
I saw shadows moving, but no details.
Still, it got me to thinking about the possibility that I wasn't the only one, and from the sounds coming from the room, I would have guessed that my sister wasn't NOT into it. I don't know how she can do it. I don't know how I could do it. And I now I don't know what to do.
The thing is I don't hate my brother, and I don't hate my sister. I pity my brother, because he's going to have to live with everything he's done. But my sister, my best friend, is another story. I don't know how to feel because I don't how she feels. Her eyes don't tell me anything. My brother is like an open book, and its scary how conflicting his eyes are. He has the same eyes as me, and that isn't right.
Someone, I need guidance.
