The EADD Mental Health Support Thread

[maxalfie]

I'm sick & tired of not knowing how I will be feeling from one day to the next.
I could go through a week of being totally depressed,not wanting to do or go anywhere and isolating myself, not answering calls from friends or family, not even wanting to communicate with others online etc.
Then I can have days of feeling happy & very chatty and can be on Bluelight for example posting for hours at a time.
When I'm on my down days there is no reason that I should be down and same for when I feel happy there is nothing that's happened to make me feel that way.
Maybe I never noticed it before because the gear made me feel exactly the same mood each day.
It's only now I've stopped using that I've noticed these moods so maybe they were always there but just covered by heroin.

 

[serotonin-system]

Word for word. Exactly as I am.

I'm sick & tired of not knowing how I will be feeling from one day to the next.
I could go through a week of being totally depressed,not wanting to do or go anywhere and isolating myself, not answering calls from friends or family, not even wanting to communicate with others online etc.
Then I can have days of feeling happy & very chatty and can be on Bluelight for example posting for hours at a time.
When I'm on my down days there is no reason that I should be down and same for when I feel happy there is nothing that's happened to make me feel that way.
Maybe I never noticed it before because the gear made me feel exactly the same mood each day.
It's only now I've stopped using that I've noticed these moods so maybe they were always there but just covered by heroin.

 

[Kronos]

Max obv ya cant be diagnosed over the internet but that sound bipolar to me, go to your doctor & be 100% honest. there are meds that stop you swinging high n low and just keep you on a level itd worth just hering his advice. same w/ you SS, best of luck to yous

I'm gonna stop my sertraline, it just seems unnecessary to take something i don't need, i was placed on it for anxiety and i'm miles better now, due to a sub script and just being normal/getting back to normality, going to groups & staying active. i can always start again if i feel real bad when i come off but i dont think i will, how long do the WDs last? cause when i missed a few days beforei felt really kinda, depearsonalized thing

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Word for word. Exactly as I am.

so why pm me out of the blue giving me one line aggressivelly telling me "you need to sort your fucking life out"

did you think you were telling me something i didnt already know. 8( "Friendly advice" my arse

you dont seem to be doing a whole lot better than me and yet you jump on the band wagon to have a go at at MDB for no reason at all. Have i ever said anything to offend you or said or done anything against you ? NO, i have never even spoken to you or given you the least bit of bother or grief ?

So why the snide, pointless, spitefull, childish, undermining remark ?

I said im not going to rage any more, but neither am i going to stand for any bullshit from anyone. Especially not from blatant hypocrits.

You're on permanent ignore by the way so dont bother replying, it wont be worth reading, and i wont be able to see it anyway.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

So, all these people that have been through about 12 different anti depressants, was this through your GP or through a Psychiatrist ?

My GP has given up after trying 2 things on me that havent worked, and said i needed refering to a psychiatrist. I initially agreed, but about an hour later when I realised all the power they hold over you, i phoned back to say i didnt want to be refered to a psychiatrist.

Statements like this scare me " Every society, including liberal Western society, permits compulsory treatment of mental patients."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antipsychiatry

This definately is not right. What if someone was to get a cunt of a sadistic psychiatrist AND if s/he was to take a particular dislike to someone they could make that person's life hell. I now have a total distrust of the competence of the medical proffession based on how they have treated me, theres no way Im subjecting myself to someone who has the power to order "compulsory" treatments.

Fuck it, Fuck them, ive got one last anti-depressant combo which the doctor was too lame to prescribe (because its not licenced as a depression treatment in the UK) to try even though the internet is littered with success stories from around the world for this combo. I fuckin hate doctors. They are selfish bastards, who definately do not put their patients best interests first, and are certainly not willing to push any boundaries despite the evidence staring them in the face. Seems to me like as soon as they encounter a problem they cant fix in ten minutes they're gonna find a way to fob it off, and you'll be lucky as hell to find a doctor willing to try treatments that are proven to be effective and safe if they are not licenced for that purpose. I mean the substance Im on about is 'Wellbutrin' and the doctor would be licenced to prescribe it as an aid to stop smoking. I need to stop smoking too I told her. She chose not to be helpful.

So naturally Im gonna order it myself off an online pharmacy. If it works, great, I can start re-building my life. If it doesnt, I'm gonna try different approaches, the 'vigorous excercise 3-5 times per week thing' for example. This is said to be just as effective as any anti depressant. I think I've just gotten lazy and into the habit of thought that certain pills or certain drugs can fix everything, and whilst I was thinking like that I haven't been helping myself half as much as i could have been doing. That is going to change.

If my GP had already contacted the psychiatrist would s/he have any power to get the police 'come and fetch me' even though ive never done anything to suggest I'm a danger to myself, or anyone else ?

I dread to think what my GP is going to do with my current depression prescription. I pray to God she doesnt just cut it off when its time to renew it at the end of the month. She must know about weening off ADs, but Im not even confident about that, so Ive found an online backup.

I could never understand as a kid why many adults had loathing/fear/distrust issues with doctors. I'm beginning to get it now though.

 

[Sammy G]

The antipsychiatry movement is mostly a hangover from far less enlightened times, when treatments like lobotomies, shock therapy and heavy doses of antipsychotics were used to 'cure' such 'illnesses' as homosexuality, and it was a bandwagon that many sixties acidheads later jumped on to justify some of their more 'out-there' beliefs that eastern religions couldn't cater for. At best it's ill-informed, at worst it's paranoid.

In short, a lot of people who write this stuff could definitely benefit from some time with a psychiatrist. I say that as someone who held cherished antipsychiatric beliefs for years.

That's not to say that some of the issues raised by the antipsychiatry movement aren't worthy of investigation, but if you investigate further you'll find that most of these issues are hot topics among psychiatric professionals anyway. These people wouldn't be in one of the most intensive, taxing professions on earth if they weren't truly interested in what they were doing. Alright, so maybe a sadist might have the necessary motivation to qualify for the job, but they'd soon be weeded out. It isn't 1965 anymore. Things have changed.

Nobody's going to 'come and fetch you', but I urge you to reconsider your decision to pass up the psychiatric referral. This is a real opportunity you're being handed here. You won't get to the root of your problems with drugs - your GP has tried this method and is concerned enough to give you access to services that many people out there would benefit immensely from. I know it's difficult to accept the fact that you're seeing a psychiatrist at first, but these people really are there to help, not to put you away.

How will you know until you try?

 

[lurching]

Nobody's going to 'come and fetch you', but I urge you to reconsider your decision to pass up the psychiatric referral. This is a real opportunity you're being handed here. You won't get to the root of your problems with drugs - your GP has tried this method and is concerned enough to give you access to services that many people out there would benefit immensely from. I know it's difficult to accept the fact that you're seeing a psychiatrist at first, but these people really are there to help, not to put you away.

How will you know until you try?

I had a shitty ol' time with my first (and only) psychiatrist cos of my own attitude. I spoiled my chance--I was coming off GABA drugs at the same time, at the end of my tether, very near psychosis, violent and very agitated. The talks with him felt unconstructive, frustratingly so, but I had never spoken to a psychologist or psychiatrist before and in hindsight I didn't ask the right questions and didn't discuss the right subjects. I felt that he was intrusive and didn't understand the root of my issues I wish I'd gone in with a different mindset and built a good relation with the guy, cos in hindsight he really was decent. Benzo withdrawal skewed my worldview.

However, he DID help me immensely, right away, by setting up a taper for me and also having me choose from a host of other meds at my own pace.

Proper medication, from the pharmacy, covered by insurance.

That was crucial, because it allowed me to stop with the online pharmacy malakery and the GHB, and I finally got reliable anxiety relief in the form of daily pregabalin.
But because of my distrust I stopped going to the psychiatrist and have had my prescriptions transferred to my GP. This is a massive step back, because my GP rarely has more than 10-15 minutes for me and has very little knowledge of medication compared to the psychiatrist, and is far less willing to try out less-known meds (let alone that he's going to research them and print out info from his medical database for me). Bottom-line, give it a try

 

[Sammy G]

Yeah, I'd say an open mind is a prerequisite, otherwise you're wasting your time and the psychiatrist's. I'm not surprised that benzo withdrawal completely skewed your perspective at the time. Seems like you have a lot of insight now, but it's not always easy or comfortable gaining that insight, is it?

Proper medication, from the pharmacy, covered by insurance.

That was crucial, because it allowed me to stop with the online pharmacy malakery and the GHB, and I finally got reliable anxiety relief in the form of daily pregabalin.

MDB, take note. I really can't believe you're looking at going down the self-medicating route again. Buproprion is not a drug you want to be taking without supervision. Not at all.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

MDB, take note. I really can't believe you're looking at going down the self-medicating route again. Buproprion is not a drug you want to be taking without supervision. Not at all.

Thanks both for the replies.

yeah you'd have thought id have learnt my lesson by now. But i am genuinely surprised by your answers and will re-consider my own views. I was fearing being detained against my will. I dont believe that I am psychotic or dangerous and nobody that i have been in contact with has suggested that i am, so that is one positive. My complulsive drug use is another matter and i am worried that Id get locked down to prevent access to my drugs - benzos in particular.

 

[Sammy G]

Again, nobody's going to prevent access to your drugs. Not unless you end up doing something drastic and the drugs happen to be in your possession. Which remains a possibility, but less so now you're tapering. That's progress.

Given the stigma surrounding mental health issues, it's only natural to fear what might happen. Especially if your mind is clouded by drugs, as lurching's post demonstrates.

Should you decide to pursue treatment, yes, in all likelihood you will be told that your self-medicating is working against you (and it really is). Nobody's going to say 'stop taking drugs, you big druggie', as self-medication is a feature of a whole host of mental health problems. Having said that, you really must accept the fact that your approach is not only failing, but leading you down a far worse road than you'd be on had you not opted to blot out your troubles with benzos.

It can be a difficult process, I know.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Thanks for the reply Sam. I am surprised by the answer, it forces me to re-consider my prejudices.

I'd already ordered the Bupropion before i PMd you. It may very well help me give up smoking at least

I know you think all my self medicating is foolish, and i can understand why, but seeing as ive already ordered it im not just going to throw it away once it arrives, as it may well help with my depression, or help me stop smoking.

If it doesnt help with either then i havent really lost anything, its said to have a very low dependancy liabilty.

All that i have just said may frustrate and annoy you, but i have taken what you said on board, and if this last ditch effort fails then i will have a serious think and talk about it with my counsellor. She seems to be slightly anti-medication, and more into the 'holistic' thing of looking at all aspects of her patients lives. She hasnt outright said so, but i sense her frustration when i talk to her about my need to find the right medication.

You're damn right about the benzos of course. Initially i was so naive and thought how wonderful this is. I do openly accept that they are no use as a long term treatment, i learnt this the hard way long ago, and have been suffering the consequences ever since, as you say long term they make things far worse than they were originally: your original problem is still there, you have a drug dependency to top it off, and then if you finally get off the benzos you will have benzo rebound anxiety and insomnia which will make the problems feel even worse than they were to begin with. I know and accept and am open to all of this. And the same applies for Bupe. I have failed with both, but am beginning to right myself and re-gain control.

I wasnt sure whether to PM this or put it in the thread. As it may be of use to others I'll put it in the thread, and will have to trust that this thread is a 'safe' thread to post in, in terms of "banter" that isnt really banter atall but just mockery and disrespect under another name, and also that Ill be spared more down right baiting.

As several respected people have come forward with their issues in this thread it gives me the confidence to do so too, despite recent goings on.

 

[Sammy G]

Good. You seem to be in a much, much better place just now.

Any plans to speak to your GP about the referral, or have you not decided yet?

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Yeah the last month had been awful but my counsellor helped me straighten my head out a lot yesterday. Looking back on that thread i started about anti depressant interctions im so embarrassed about how aggressive, paranoid and defensive i was. The fact that i can see that must be a sign that Im better.

Im gonna get as many different opinions as i can from my ever increasing entourage of workers before deciding. Id been too much of a trainwreck to attend the CBT group for the last month, but i might be up for that and Id get the opinion of the facilitator and everyone in the group aswell. I'll decide after all that.

I'm still worried that my doc will just stop my Mirt' prescription though 'cause i told her it was only doing half the job and wasnt lifting my mood. I feel good today, though i have self medicated with 1 modalert pill (modanifil) a very mild stimulant. It feels like medication rather than abuse, I'm sure you know what I mean.

I may have a lot of work to do with Bupe; as you predicted i ended up abusing it and have built up a tolerance. I havent worked out or been counting what dose i need. But ive been ok on 2mg since 10am thismorning. I'll try and hold out for the rest of the day and see if i get any physical cravings or if they're just psychological and wanting to get high.

 

[Sammy G]

2mg should see you right until tomorrow at least.

I wouldn't count on your doc stopping the mirtazipine script, but I'd definitely try and see her as soon as you can, just to explain yourself and see about another referral if necessary.

That aside, it's fantastic to see such clarity of thought returning! Keep it up.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

thank you. I need to figure out what causes the clarity to come and go though. I suspect the culprit is stimulant binges so I'll have to knock them on the head for a while and see if that helps my mood remain more stable.

 

[Allein]

thank you. I need to figure out what causes the clarity to come and go though. I suspect the culprit is stimulant binges so I'll have to knock them on the head for a while and see if that helps my mood remain more stable.

Hmmm been thinking much the same myself, as usual my occasional use is becoming a little less occasional, I'll be getting a stern word from Mrs A and that is not something to be taken lightly.

My experience with psychiatrists has not been too bad, the last time I was referred by a GP as they felt they had exhausted all the ADs they felt comfortable prescribing. The psychiatrist conducted an hour long assessment and prescribed Venlafaxine, which has been reasonably successful.

I've been in a secure car unit with people that were on sections and seen people taken down a forcibly injected with meds, I was in voluntarily but I think they might well have sectioned me if I had tried to leave in the first week or so, for my own safety.

I didn't see any treatment that I felt was wrong, people were treated with respect and an independent advocate made regular visits to talk to people about whether they felt they were being treated fairly, they simply do no section people unless there is a genuine need and then only for as short a time as required IME.

I have never felt coerced into taking medication, I'd go and see the psychiatrist and make a judgement on the experience rather than your expectations of it, you can decide on whether you go along with their suggested treatment afterwards.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

My problem is my tendency to misuse any drug to get high.

My self medication would have been fine If id been able to stick to therapeutic guidelines. As you know i strayed way beyond them with practically everything ive tried.

But take earlier today for example I'd had my 2mg bupe (which i would have been given on a supervised prescription under different circumstances - had i not showed as clean on their opiate test) the calming effect of prescribed Mirtazapine and some modanifil which i obtain myself. I feel i need some sort of mild prescription stimulant to balance out what Mirtazapine does to my brain chemistry, and something like modanifil which isnt abusable, fits the bill precisely. That was what was behind the returning 'clarity of thought' you saw earlier today. In the USA Wellbutrin is widely and successfully prescribed along with Mirt' to treat depression, but it seems that Modanifil is just as effective.

All this ramble is trying to say is that i instinctively know what makes me feel better and this is what leads to my self medication. Lack of self control has been the problem rather than self medication per se. If Id been given the drugs under a supervised prescription and had no other means of obtaining them, the meds themselves would not have been a problem.

There is a 'but' to all of this - Very often Im not self medicating atall Im just getting fucking high. This is a difficult urge to deal with. This is also why Im giving out mixed signals that are making it frustrating for people to try to help me, when im not even helping myself. God, i can see it clearly now that i really have to try harder to curb that.

To end on a positive, Mirt' has really helped me get a handle on my benzo problem (it has simillar effects) and ive been able to reduce rapidly off the stupidly high doses down to a level where im stable on a much lower dose, and feel able to continue steadily reducing my benzo consumption. I dont know what the long term effects of Mirt' are but hopefully once Im off benzos and past any problems i may encounter withdrawing from them, I'll then hopefully be able to start thinking about coming off anti depressants alltogether.

 

[Allein]

I have a real problem with abusing almost anything these days, I find it almost impossible to posses drugs and not take them and continue to take them until they are all gone.

Even when I was scripted Zolpidem I was abusing them despite them being shite, the only thing I've managed to keep a lid on has been opiate pain killers.

I can only limit abuse by not getting to much in at one time and avoiding easy contacts but I've still managed to start slipping into far to regular use of amphetamines, which I find all too easy to take.

I'm due a period of abstinence before I start making a mess of myself again, things have been pretty good of late so obviously I've been doing my best to fuck that all up

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Aye, speed really really fucks me up though, even though ive got some within hands reach im not touching it as i know the after effects contributed massively to my lost state of mind up until just yesterday when my counsellor helped massively in clearing things up.

Im gonna have a battle with Bupe. The battle to stick to 2mg a day and then start reducing is one i am not yet managing to win. I almost did it today, but i got into a worried state about my Mirt script and that worry was not going away. That was my excuse for flaking out today, and taking an extra big 4mg chunk this evening. I know im only making things harder for myself the longer i continue doing things like that.

Ive found an alternative source for Mirt since then so even if the doctor does fuck me off and gives me a "computer says no" I'll just get it elsewhere. I'd much prefer to get it on script though, for one thing its free, but i have to be very careful how i approach my doctor. Maybe i should change doctor as my current one has gotten into the habit of saying "im not comfortable with that" with any request i make. There seems to be a massive mutual distrust issue between us that may not be possible to resolve.

 

[Allein]

If your not happy with your GP definitely change, I've done this numerous times when I've been dissatisfied with them.

You can ask to see any GP you like, if you think there is a better one at your surgery, or just move surgeries you don't have to explain why.

GPs seem to vary massively, some seem to have lost the will to care, barely looking up from their computer screen and I've had more than one completely fuck me over with the wrong medication.

That said you do need to try and engage with them, I'd like to think I'd politely challenge the 'i'm not comfortable with that' statement, what are you asking for?? I would always avoid asking for specific medication that I hadn't been previously prescribed.