I was a dealer an addict, parent. Now I am clean for a month, my wife still hooked.

[shedder]

I took me a year to find and execute the right method for me. I had to do it. For my children, because they are getting older (eldest 11). And the eldest have now started to accusing us of being junkies and alkoholics. So I did it too late, and my wife is still hooked. I had to separate, but she still got the kids and for every day she seem to get worse mentally.

Now, I am on benefits and broke, and still feel quite shitty, kinda depressed. The good news are that for the first time, I want to live, to see my children growing up and being there for them. Yet I have clean sheet CV for the 8 last years... Clearly no one will hire me.

If I fall back, I gonna take the easy way out. I cannot stand this way of living anymore. Yesterday I got the news that another two of my friends recently had died. I just can't stand it anymore. I want live a real life.

Well, I don't know what I want to say with this. I am sorry, for everything. I don't know to handle the future. I am thinking primarly of my children. Me, myself, I could just as well been dead. It's not about that. It's about my children and helping my wife.

Anyways, haven't I taken the first step? Now, I must move on in some way with all cravings and I am sooo tired...always.

Simply put, I dunno what to do.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey shedder welcome to BL:D.. yeah that life get old and when we choose to look at it honestly for what it is.. it isn't any sort of life.. all the money from dealing isn't worth the paranoia and anxiety of going to prison and definitely isn't how we want our children to view us. So congratulations on making the choice and more important the necessary changes to clean yourself up.



I'm sorry to hear that your wife continues on such a path.. but as you know she will have to make the decision and put in the work to get herself outa this place. You may be able to lend a hand down the road but for now I think you have to concentrate on yourself. In recovery its important to not get to hung up on the future for awhile but also if nothing changes then nothing changes. So maybe just start thinking of your options, maybe try and do this for only ten or twenty minutes a day and then make the promise to yourself to set it back down and not think about it till tomorrow.. after many years of living this lifestyle and the resultant damage, often we get ourselves clean and the blast head long into trying to figure out and fix everything in two days or two months.. there is no place where we or anyone else makes it to where they are suddenly happy and content all day... all we have is the journey so we need to figure out how to enjoy that journey. As junkies we were never the most patient people.. so developing patience is key to living a peaceful life.. a good way to start to do this is to realize that all the changes we want to make in our lives won't end up making as big a difference in our experience as we thought, but what will is how we choose to perceive our life as it is now..

Another thing is that making the changes we desire can seem like an insurmountable task.. so how do we accomplish the impossible comfortably.. break all that we are trying to do into easily accomplished peaces and then start knocking off these easily accomplished tasks.. AND GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE AND GET DONE.. cause that causes a dopamine release and making sure we have plenty of dopamine in our systems is a good way to feel peaceful from our addictions.

Hope this helps some

 

[shedder]

Thanx mate!

Well, I have taken a decision to not sell or use anymore. I am fed up with the lifestyle, and the ppl in the game disgust me. Not all, but many. I see myself as a pathetic character, too old for this scheisse. I have let down my children and family. I have waisted my time and talents for this shit. Lost many years.

Honestly, I cannot feel proud of kicking the habit. Because the damage is still left right all over me in my life , and I don't know how to handle it. I gotta get a job, I gotta get used to work as ordinary ppl do. And how am going to handle my wife who is high with the children?

I gotta keep calm, because I cannot solve all problems immediately - as you say. It's impossible. I'aint never gonna forgive myself what I have done. That's for sure, and I must accept this will take years to get things together again. But I think I can live with that pain - even if it hurts really badly now. As you said, I gotta focus on things incrementally.

thanx, because I have a lot of angst over these things, and feel desperation


Thanx for your support!
Rest assured I am going to use it.

 

[thedawn]

you need to get those kids AWAY from their using mother.
imagine the hell they're in.
is this even possible?

 

[neversickanymore]

You need to find a way to forgive yourself.. guilt and shame are probably the biggest drivers of use there are. So a couple of years slipped away and you did a couple of things you're not going to bronze and put on the mantle.. so fuckn what sir.. your an amazing person but not a god.. so quit holding yourself up to the standards of a god.. we are human and make mistakes even down right choose to make mistakes.. also think about how much of a strait laced person life is wasted in the material goods the pursue so avidelly.

Yeah getting used to the working life is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow... but there are allot of good things to it as well.. like being able to trust the people you are friends with an not always worrying about weather they are going to get caught or have gotten caught and turned to dirty rats.. also as I'm sure you know so many parts of the game a filled with hustlers, and another word for hustler is con artist or thief.. so no more dealing with all that shit as well.. no more of having that feeling that some of these people you are forced to deal with are infact fucking losers and if we didn't have to deal with them for business we literally wouldnt even piss on them if they were on fire.. the game like everything else in life has people that are pure gold and people that are dog shit.. it just seems that the longer the game is played the more dogs shits we come across and the more golden people get swallowed.. I dont know I guess we can just get the point where we look at the risk we take, moving this from here to there, worrying about getting narked or ripped off, constantly dealing with hustlers or desperate or sick people, constantly felling that we aren't doing anything that really benefits society and may be in fact causing a deal of harm.. stopping thinking that we are made for something better and starting to identify and work towards that something better.

So some good things about taking the high road..

less anxiety because..
you aren't worried about getting busted
aren't worried about getting ripped off
aren't worried about getn hustled
aren't worried about making enough to live the good life after we pay for our habits.. kinda funny how the more we make the more we wasted
aren't worried that we are risking our life, reputation and freedom for things that aren't in the long run worth that much
Can finally give up the pipe dream of every player.. the one big operation or score that gets us out.. yeah cause theres one in a million that ever makes that hand


Once you give it a little time and patience and work you can find yourself doing pretty damn good and then you will actually be able to spend your money on the things you want because it will be legitimate income.

If most of the things money can buy actually brought happiness they wouldn't have to advertise it to us.. so look at whats actually important to live a good life.

When you start to search for what you're going to do for a profession.. look for what makes you happy or what you enjoy doing.. selling huge portions of our lives for money is just about as dumb as risking our lives instead of working.


Your the same amazing person you have always been, so literally throw all the guilt and shame out the window of your car and drive half way around the world.. you dont deserve to treat yourself this way.. you realized your mistakes and are currently in the process of working shit out.. so literally forgive yourself.. if you have a tough time doing this you may want to consider doing the steps in one of the fellowships (NA/AA) as they are designed to address allot of the guilt and help you make amends to those you have hurt. hey we all come out the drug game pretty damn banged up.. but with a little time and a little work you will be amazed at where you find yourself. Your doing great

 

[shedder]

Thanx for adding concepts and Words to what I feel. You can see right into my head...my truly . But my mind is still not ready to accept the facts. Sorrow, anger, shame, guilt. Amidst all this I have to act now! I cannot passively just see everything which matter for me to be destroyed. I just want to die too, but thats not an option God allow. Not for me. Not for me. I cannot let my children down. I have to build a new life, in some way. In some way.

thanx, I gotta survive first of all. I am still in a dangerous maelstrom yet it is of a different kind.

 

[shedder]

I know how much they love their mother. Sorry to say, I cannot separate my children from their mother. It got to be even worse first. She still has a job at the University (researcher). However, her mood swings are terrible and she have stricken my daughter some times. That's not good at all. Things are getting worse indeed. The landlord has recently warned her for all yelling and late noise.

 

[thedawn]

I know how much they love their mother. Sorry to say, I cannot separate my children from their mother. It got to be even worse first. She still has a job at the University (researcher). However, her mood swings are terrible and she have stricken my daughter some times. That's not good at all. Things are getting worse indeed. The landlord has recently warned her for all yelling and late noise.

when you get like a year of sobriety, your perspective on this will likely change.

do your best,wishing you serenity.

 

[neversickanymore]

Since you mention God >> >Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups<

and/or

>Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery<

>SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)<

Patience sir and persistence will get you where you want to go and with a little luck your x will follow

 

[itsALLfake]

Hey, neversickanymore...someone is abiding by the code of AA principles. CUDOS!!! Man, I have to fight myself not to be all ridiculous when someone tries 12-stepping someone that is asking for support/help. I'm glad to see you studied the first 164, at the very least.

I hope you the best, and I'm sending only positive vibes for your guidance in this matter shedder.

 

[neversickanymore]

Thanks itsALL.. shame, guilt as well as resentments are nicely dealt with by working the steps properly.. and since our man shredder seems to have a large burden due to these (who doesnt coming out ) I think it would benefit him greatly to work the steps.

Also the principals of turning ones will and life over to the care of a higher power, or by just listening to and following our hearts, combined with the concept of only needing to continue to do the next right thing and your life will transform are really good ways to find the direction you are meant to take and have your life transformed into something amazing. So many times because we come out of the drug game so battered, damaged and lost, with those crazy emotional responses, it is nice to have a real simple rule that can allow us to transform our lives while still staying firmly planted in today.. So in essence we need not get our heads out of the moment, and endure all the crazy unpleasant emotions that would come with obsessing about the future, fear anxiety, doubt, frustration, etc, if we simply concentrate on just doing the next right thing in the present.

The concept of turning our will and life over to a higher power.. or simply listening and following our hearts.. makes sure we walk down the path in life that we were ment to or are going the way that is right for us.. this is so important for us addicts because if we pursue a path that is not right for us it will inherently create resentment and anger, anxiety, apprehension, frustration, self doubt, and hopelessness etc.. but if we are on the correct path we will feel at peace and our emotions will likely be of pride, peace, joy, pride, etc... If we have to constantly deal with strong unpleasant emotions it wears us down to thinking this shit isn't worth it and then the old "FUCK THIS.. and relapse" it kinda funny but in recovery we kinda have no choice but to facilitate heaven in order not to get swallowed by hell.. no real middle ground IMO.

I like to throw out ideas why I think the principals of the fellowships work.. because it helps me think about ways to make my recovery even more enjoyable.

 

[shedder]

Actually I still feel terrible. Clean for just a month. Damn. And I am so confused, and my body is not doing well at all. Yes, you are right about sobriety for a year will give me mental stability, perspective and strength. But right now, I am so weak. How long will this last? When will I feel better? Am I doomed? I read that it is virtually impossible to kick the habit and stay clean for 6 month without professional assistance. Is that true? Well, it was very discouraging to read that... Am I fighting a already lost battle? I don't know anybody who has got clean. I have visited NA 8 times. But I cannot connect to ppl there. They seem to be of a different kind. Way too normal and ice cold. I really feel rejected and hated. They do not seem to be like my druggie friends at all.

Yes, there is very much of guilt and shame. So much that it feels totally impossible to do the step. I just cannot do them. Sorry, and I am so fucking stubborn about that. I cannot beg for forgiveness or accept a "higher power". But I will try to go the meetings anyways.
My wife is going to visit a doctor about her mental health. Finally. I have tried for long to time to make her go... I feel great comfort in her decision. I dunno what the results of that will be. It might be a nasty game changer to the better or worse. But she is certainly sick in some way.

thanx ppl

 

[neversickanymore]

I m sorry you are experiencing that welcome at NA.. if you are in a big area then i would suggest you try different meetings until you find a couple that fit. So much of the power to heal really lies in the steps.. to do the steps properly you will need a sponsor.. there are many ideas about sponsors and im sure some 12 strong twelve steppers can share their wisdom about this topic.. but what I would suggest is go and get a temporary sponsor right away.. you can always switch to a new sponsor when the right person becomes clear. Since you are clean for a month and are struggling with the those unpleasant emotions i would suggest starting to work the step as soon as you are able.. everyone kinda has their own pace, but rushing through will only leave some of the wounds unaddressed.

As far as the body.. If your like me and banged yourself up pretty good It can take awhile to feel great, up to to years but the thing is that we usually feel a little better, maybe just a sliver sometimes, every week.. some people its like giant bounds of recovery, but for most of us its a whole bunch of baby steps. now this can seem disheartening especially when you think, fuk but i've been miserable for long enough.. a good way to look at it is in a few brief months of feeling better and better each day you will start to feel great.. also there is usually a huge jump forward almost overnight that happens when the opiat receptors finally shut down and your mind clears, and other symptoms that have only been getting a little better get allot better or disappear. Again if you anything like me, I was so shocked when my mind cleared because I had been living in the fog for so long that i didn't even realize i was in a fog. according to the pain dr I talked with it usually happens around the seven and a half month but for me it happened right befor the fifth month.



Here are some really good links about the PAWS or post acute withdrawl symtoms that you are expierincing

Why We Dont Get Better Right Away
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From "Staying Sober" By: Terence T. Gorski >free copy of whole book<
EXERCISE AND MOOD
Nutrition and supplements to possibly quicken healing



So think about hitting another meeting and getting a sponsor and please take the time to read through the >NA Basic Text< and the >AA big book< as it often gives huge a huge amount of comfort to people new in recovery. Once you make it through those books.. and this often happens fast as they tend to provide a great deal of comfort then check out the > NA step working guide<



I know I through allot at you, but dont freak.. just take your time and start developing a plan for living a peaceful and happy recovery and then start implementing pieces as they are ready.

The Three Headed Dragon
The metaphor of the three headed dragon was first popularized by a therapist in San Francisco. The first head is physical. Addiction is a chronic illness requiring a lifetime of attention. The second head is psychological. Addiction is a disorder with mental, emotional, and behavioural components. And the third head of the dragon is spiritual. Addiction is an
existential state, experienced in isolation from others.

“Chasing the Dragon”
The term “chasing the dragon” is a term used by addicts in an effort to catch the first high they had on their drug of choice. “Because of the
unique reaction that the genetically addiction prone individual experiences to his drug of choice, he or she programs his or herself belief
system with the deep conviction that the substance is ‘good,’” writes Richard Seymour. “This is where self-help becomes intrinsic to recovery. Unless one deals with the third head, unless one changes the
belief system and effects a turning-about in the deepest seat of consciousness, there is no recovery…”

- “The Chemical Carousel”
by Dirk Hanson

Included this just for fun I know its sung about women but the idea applies to every addict.. start preparing to slay the dragon

​

 

[neversickanymore]

How are you doing shedder?