I think I might be becoming addicted and I'm scared.

[herbavore]

You are not a piece of shit. You are the same complicated, multi-faceted person you have always been and always will be. You are in deep and you are getting to understand that. It is really, really hard to see ourselves as helpless and out of control, to see our weakness. But weakness is always a part of us--in fact a better word is vulnerable because it doesn't carry so much stigma. But whatever you want to call it, now you've seen the extent of it and you can start to deal with it with open eyes.

When you feel the anxiety about not having it, what comes up? What is the source of the anxiety? Have you been seeing anyone that can help you with that? Trying to stop taking an addictive substance when that addictive substance is actually alleviating some suffering in the short term is understandably hard (self-medicating). So, getting to the anxiety is crucial because you can fight the addiction but if you have nothing to fight the anxiety with you are still going to feel the need for relief. You have seen the cost of this "relief" in your own life already (the loss of self-control, of self-determination) and you have seen it illustrated far worse by others all across these boards. I was encouraged to hear you say that you had told people you were quitting--this means you have people in your life that you can be honest with. Are they using? You need support and you need people that you can be completely honest with. Of course Bluelight is good for that but it is also important to make those relationships IRL.

Try to plan out the next few days in ways that will prevent you from getting more. Enlist the help of friends and family if you can. Find a counselor or psychologist that you can trust and work with them on your anxiety. Anxiety is very treatable.

 

[neversickanymore]

snipped this out of a post i did a little ways back as i think it may help you to realize whats going on.. and hopefully after you realize whats up you will realize that there is nothing to be ashamed off.. going to have to figure this out though and a couple place you may want to start.. >here< >here< >here< >here<

The part of our mind where our addiction is is in the limbic system or the older mammalian brain or the subconscious.. The limbic system is home to the dopamine reward pathway.. when we are born we are preprogrammed to receive dopamine releases for activities that are necessary to sustain life and to ensure the continuation of our species.. we feel pleasure when we eat, drink, have sex, to name a few big ones.. these big ones also come with built drives.. the drive to eat is hunger, the drive to drink, thirst, the sex drive.. by causing an unnatural dopamine release of epic proportions we reprogrammed our brains to think that we now need a potentially deadly activity (use of our doc) to live.. and it has come with its own drive, our addiction. This drive to use combined with the natural phenomenon of tolerance causes us to be driven to use.. because of tolerance we then have to use more and more to feel the way we want.. because the brain always wants to return to baseline it will incorporate manipulation of the drug into our neurochemical system and try and return the system including the drugs manipulation to close to baseline. That is why after some prolonged use we simply need the drug to feel normal (physical dependence).. it is of course why when we remove the drug we feel awful for a while until the system returns back to base line with out the drug (acute withdrawal).. After the acute withdrawal there is post acute withdrawl syndrome, the addiction comunity thinks this is because the brain chemistry has been altered by drug use.. I dont thin that is the case, I believe that by reprogramming in the use of the drug as something nesesarry for life and then taking and refusing to do that act, the limbic system uses everything in its power to try and motivate us to use.. The hypothalamic region of our brain, an important part of the limbic system, controls emotions, hunger, sex drive, thirst, sleep and wake, pain, sensation of hot and cold, the immune system to name a couple and is hardwired into memory... notice anything there, yeah every symptom of acute and post acute withdrawal and addiction is controlled by the limbic and hypothalamus. So please throw all your guilt out the window, as you are doing an amazing job.. a powerful, maybe the most powerful part of your brain, that you are unaware of, except for it manipulations (hunger manipulates you to find and eat food, feeling tired manipulates you to find and take rest, and addiction manipulates you to use drugs) is the reason addiction is so damn powerful.. yeah.. guilt and shame are emotions and the hypothalamus controls your emotional response.. emotions are no more than manipulations..

 

[sassafrass]

Okay well I'm trying again tomorrow, I just wanted to say THANK YOU ALL for all of your support and advice, it definitley means a lot to me and It has helped a lot. You're all so nice

 

[JCool89]

You can stop it!

just have faith in yourself! stay confident and stay away from the heroin ! remember the times in your life when you didn't know what getting high was. Stay strong in the important things in your life and know that the high you are getting is only temporary and will be harder and harder to achieve and the longer you use the more days and years you will take off your life! this will also cost you lots of money and take toll on the people around you. the question is do you want to live a positive or negative life? Just believe in yourself and know you are better than this lifestyle. Pray to god to give you the will power and he will!

 

[sassafrass]

My Withdrawal Timeline: after 3 weeks of IV heroin

Well, I've been doing heroin IV, 2-3 times a day for 3 and a half weeks now. I've decided to quit because I don't want to take this addiction any further. I posted another thread about it in this forum as well. I do expect some withdrawals, and I'm making this thread for anyone who may be searching and wondering how bad withdrawals will be after a few weeks of use. I hope this isn't an obnixious thread to anyone else. I'll update you throughout the day, a few times, probably. because I've got nothing to do all day except sit on my laptop, if that's okay with you guys.

Today's day 0. I'm doing this because I don't want to throw my life away. I have dreams and goals and I'm a college athlete. Heroin will do nothing for me.


Here's hoping I can quit, I already tried and failed once. I'm doing it for real this time.

 

[motherofearth]

You should expect a merge w/ your old thread if it is similar in content to this one.

Congrats on having the foresight to quit now. It will almost certainly take your dreams away, along w/ each and everything you hold dear. And once you are addicted you can't run from it and it is terrifying to make repeated attempts at quitting. I hope this works out, as w/d after 2-3 weeks of use will not be so bad, though since that's the only w/d you will have experienced up to this point they still may seem extraordinarily difficult - keep in mind they are only w/d after a very limited span of use and they can be drastically worse. Just don't forget that so you will maintain a realistic yet profound and beneficial fear of heroin - I find I forget just how seriously grave even flirting w/ addiction can be.

Good luck there, mate

 

[neversickanymore]

with the argument thing.. I have found it works good to flip it on the addiction.. so instead of constantly feeding reasons not to use into the addiction, that the addiction just chews on and spits out as justifications to use.. when the addiction says "USE" I like to respond "Why Use" instead of im not going to use because.. yeah start making the addiction do all the work.. cause there isn't really a good reason to use once we are addicted.. if it spits something that seems like a real reason to use.. that means you have something you need to address in your life.. you can do this, but we can walk alone, but what fun is there in that.. think of looking into some support

 

[BlueHues]

Well thanks for the input everyone, I guess you're right that addiction is more about how you feel about the drug than the amount of time you've been addicted/the amount of problems it's caused you, though that's certainly a factor. I just feel SO STUPID calling myself an addict, I feel like I'm being fake because it hasn't been than long. I feel like calling myself an addict after 3 weeks is kind of a disservice to all the decade-long addicts with Hep C that have much worse lives than me. I feel guilty for calling myself an addict in the face of that.

Anyway this morning I tried to stop but I just couldn't help it. I got high. Which sucks because yesterday I told everyone I was throwing everything away and quitting today, but I just couldnt throw it away. I was standing over the toilet with it in my hand and I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and I just couldn't do it... Couldn't even get rid of my rigs.

I'm just going to use up what I have and that will be it. I almost called my dealer and got another gram but I didn't. I have enough for now and when I run out, I run out and that will be that.

Being a "true" addict isn't a good thing....The beginning, the middle and the end is all the same...There's just no difference from day to day...You keep getting money. You keep buying dope and you keep getting high....

There's no point to it....There's no honor in it....It's a fucking dead-end, a time warp... You do that shit every day and years just fly by....The people around you, their lives change, but yours just doesn't.....

I've survived it....I know how to be a "junky"...and I can talk about all the tricks of the trade...How to hide your dope...how to buy it, how to sell it...It all amounts to fucking nothing! I'm actually proud of how long I've pulled it off and not died or ended up completely fucked! And for that I can say, I'm in the minority...but it amounts to shit! I've done prison time BTW, but ONLY 9 months...which isn't completely fucked by my definition at this point...

I do know a few people who have careers that use heroin, but they already went to school and were established before they started the habit....and their lives suck and they're hanging on by a thread...nobody know but their close friends...Their whole lives are a lie...It's a mess!

You have to quit and go to school...you'll never make it otherwise! Whatever it takes! This is the point in your life that's gonna weigh heavily! I'm not tryin to tell you what to do, but just drinking and smoking weed have caused countless people to drop out freshman year...Going in with an opiate habit? You're fucking doomed!

If you can't quit, go on maintenance...suboxone, or maybe Kratom in your case...I wouldn't normally tell someone so young to consider that, but if you don't start school this semester, you may very likely continue on with the dope and be fucking doomed, no other way to put it! Do whatever you have to do to show up for the start of this semester! Even if you're craving with minor withdrawal...You're young, you can blow this minor habit off like nothing at this point! You probably won't even have anything too serious... After you graduate, if you wanna be a junkie, go ahead!...but this is the point in life that I fucked up(and I wasn't even using opiates for another 3 years), and so many other people have fucked up...don't fuck it up!

 

[freakxfrolic@yahoo]

3.5 wees. is not bad. or to late you wil always have a taste of what its like though which can be a dangerous thing.. i have been on and off for 5 yor so years.. with IV use..started eating pills 12 years ago. im only 24 but feel like an old woman.. i have been on subs for 2years. (dont do that)!! they suck.. but some times ill go out and get a little just enough for 2 days i always find that after the 3rd day i get hooked mentally nd after a month im physically dependent again.. ii know i will always crave it.. maybe its cause im unhappy.. maybe its cause i will always like the feeling of an opiate.. but liks you do pay a price in some way shape or form from being an addict.. i made this account while i was high.. i was just looking back on my posts i dont remember them at all (i dont rember a lot of things, the good or the bad. whic kind of makes me sad.. ). i like how you have dreams and goals. thats something to keep you moving ahead.. and putting off being sick. well we all do that.. id w.d before you go away.. if your family doesnt know just let them think you have the flu. i dont know you.. but i lost all of my friends cause they didnt like me using.. but of course now thy are all the ones strung out.. im no better being on subs but i dont spend 1/3 of my day in a bathroom trying to hit a vein to get that little rush.. an the the rest of the day with my eyes roling back in to my head. idk what im really saying. im kinda just rambling but you sond like i did before i started using a needle.. i was always an addict i just didnt admit it to my self.. i hope you get through i know you can alot of people do. you havent been on it long enouh and you realize you want to stop which is a good thing.. so just kep thinking like that and honestly the kicks not that bad.. i have done it in rehab and its easier when you know you cant get high.. were like dogs but we can get our own treats...

 

[buffalobillygoat]

OP - it's really good that you've still got this motivation even after you went back to the dope. Remember, you're at a real crossroads here, if you make the choice to keep using, it might be the last real choice you make in a long while. Or ever.
+1000 to bluehues. You have almost zero chance of finishing school with an IV opiate habit. I got through eventually and I 'only' had a weak painkiller addiction at that time. I failed to get into the university of my choice because I was high at interview, and then I fumbled a year (didn't take the exams and repeated) once I got in...
You know what to do mate. Just don't use. Tell yourself 'tomorrow', or, 'in three years'. Anything. Instead of putting your life on hold for dope, put the dope on hold for what should be some of the best years of your life
wishing you the best,
buffalo

 

[thedawn]

you might want to deal with this heroin addiction now instead of
going to school.
this shit's deadly.
school will always be there.
IMO.

 

[gypsiejunkie]

you might want to deal with this heroin addiction now instead of
going to school.
this shit's deadly.
school will always be there.
IMO.

I would have to agree. When i was really motivated to quit using I enrolled in school, got a new job and moved. Ended up being extremely overwhelmed and relapsed. Had to drop out of school and lost my financial aid not to mention the personal disappointment and feeling like a failure that makes it so much easier to use. My job is a disaster. Baby steps!

 

[sassafrass]

Okay, another update.

So I quit. I DID have withdrawals and it was horrible, and I can't even imagine what they must be like for people who have been using for years. I couldn't sleep, the restless legs were the most torturous part. It was awful. Puking, sweating through my clothes and my sheets at night, horrible pains in every single joint.

But I stayed clean for 9 days.

I started using again, and now I'm in college. I'm going to be randomly drug tested and if I test positive I'm going to be kicked off the team and my parents won't fund my college. I'm fucked. I'm stressed. I can't do this.

 

[neversickanymore]

sassa.. just because you fell back in doesn't mean you cant climb back out. this is all a learning process and now that you know how to get clean you will need to do it again and then use a better recovery plan to do the infinitely harder thing of staying clean. There is a powerful thing about support groups of addicts, that probably why so many people include them as one of the most important things to keep them clean. Intelligence and drive and will power only get us so far then we often have to rely on eachother. We can try and walk through a unmapped woods alone, but its allot easier and more fun to travel with other good people who live in the same woods.. >smart recovery< >12 step fellowships< you can do this and you already have done amazing things, give yourself that credit and don't beat yourself up but get back up and start moving forward again

 

[manboychef]

Just always do the next right thing, you may have made a bad choice, but make the next one right. Flush your shit and break your rigs (goodchoice one). Seek a therapist on campus and confess and ask for help (thenext right thing). I think you may have an inkling of the gravity of this situation, but it truly is life and death. I know if I didn't stop I was either dying or going to jail. I've ruined so many opportunities by using and I wish I had people like this giving me advice when I was getting kicked out of high school or college because of my addiction.

Addiction is different from dependency. You my friend Mr.sass are an addict. You show all the classic traits I know so well (because I am one too...just older and wiser) . You may want to take neversickanymore's advice (he is incredibly wise and his advice is very sage) also you should read the addiction guide in his signature. You will learn a lot about yourself and your way of thinking.

You may very well be powerless over this and your own drug manipulated thinking will lose you all the positives you have built up. Definitely take NSA's advice and try some NA meetings. Chances are they have them on your campus.

 

[MrRainbow]

OP -- to me, it seems like you're going to have to leverage a support system to get through this. Fighting addiction on your own, in your own head can be extremely difficult. Find a good therapist, maybe a Suboxone treatment, some good friends that can hold you accountable for your actions.

Obviously it sucks being labeled an "addict" but without first acknowledging you are an addict, it will be very difficult
To become more mindful and accepting of your problem before up can fix it. As I kept reading the progression throughout this thread it's clear you have an addiction and it ideally should be dealt with, literally this instant. Saying "I will quit tomorrow" completely undermines the entire objective itself. By continuing to use for one more day, you cannot possibly adopt the mindset that abstinence is the only solution. You have to fully commit your mind to never using again, or you will. Sometimes it's harder than other times to adopt that notion, but once you do, with the right support system and attitude, you WILL be able to conquer this and you WILL feel incredibly better by being able to do so

 

[manboychef]

^^^exactly....the tomorrow's will get stacked up to years.

 

[Bubblegummer]

Hi Sassafrass, mate I think you are extremely strong in mind to even just admitting you have a problem. The first step is to admit to yourself, others around you and even more to your higher power whatever or whoever that may be. I'm currently at the same crossroad as you, after having 6 surgeries on my leg I suffer from disabling chronic pain and the only thing that makes me tolerate the pain and be able to do my normal day to day living is by using my OxyContin. I've found that my tolerance goes up day by day and am currently using up to 300mg and rising per day! I've always bitten them in half to get better relief quicker. I've tried stopping straight out and the WDL's and psychological side effects I find are too hard to deal with! I also get really bad social anxiety to the point of nearly becoming agoraphobic (fear of the outdoors) that I "think" I need to dose again. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to try and get something that isn't OxyContin that will help my lessen the severity of the withdrawals and anxiety. I've read a few threads and there is talk of other meds like suboxone, methadone and others so I'll tell my dr that I just want to stop completely for a month or so to try to drop my tolerance and quite frankly, give me a break from the Oxy.

I'm going to follow this thread religiously as I find that I can relate to you really well. I think we can even try to keep each other in check so we can do this together! Keep strong mate, and if you do fall off the wagon, there is no such word as failure, its just a minor set-back that you can use as further ammunition against that little addiction monster that we both have in our minds that we need to keep at bay!

I'm a little angry at myself though as nearly 7 years ago I went through rehab for my alcoholism and have been sober since! I know I can beat this as I know you can too!

What makes it harder for me is the fact that I'm in between careers after being medically retired from my previous career, and am awaiting permission to get back into the work force part time so for the moment I spend ALOT of time alone and therefore ALOT of time in my own head which can become a bad thing.

Anyway, keep at it mate and I'll keep checking in to see how you're going and to let you know how I'm going too!!

 

[Bubblegummer]

Day 2 of being off the Oxy but not completely, I had 1 x 40mg tab yesterday and 1 x 40mg tab today to help take the edge off and its working pretty well so far. I'm having hot and cold sweats and my lower back has been killing me the last two days! It's loosened up a bit today as I'm trying to keep mobile and not end up in bed for the week!! I've come close to just saying fuck it and taking the last of my tabs but I'm looking forward to not having to take any at all which should hopefully be by Friday. Anyway, thought I'd check in and let you know how I'm going.

How's it going for you Sass?

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Okay, another update.

So I quit. I DID have withdrawals and it was horrible, and I can't even imagine what they must be like for people who have been using for years. I couldn't sleep, the restless legs were the most torturous part. It was awful. Puking, sweating through my clothes and my sheets at night, horrible pains in every single joint.

But I stayed clean for 9 days.

I started using again, and now I'm in college. I'm going to be randomly drug tested and if I test positive I'm going to be kicked off the team and my parents won't fund my college. I'm fucked. I'm stressed. I can't do this.

Hey Sass, How's it been going the last month?