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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Clingy person in AA is stressing me out.

Captain.Heroin said:
Don't associate with people like that. This is the #1 reason why I would never do AA.
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if this is the no 1 reason you should definitely give AA a chance.
it's not THAT many freaks like that and you can choose higher end crowds.
 
Mariposa,

Just saw this and wanted to say that I sure as hell am proud of you. I've seen people in the past who recognized that AA could probably be of some benefit to their lives, if only it weren't for this little reason or that little reason not to give it at least a shot. So what makes your sobriety even more awesome at this stage is that you overcame the wariness that often drives people away and tried it out! What do you think? Is it helping?

I go to AA myself, although because of drinking (of course...) I cannot drive and so my meeting options are limited. That's why I've reignited some older AA friendships - it works out great, because I'm forced to rely on someone else for a ride, I often end up going out and doing things with people before/after meetings, which I normally never would do. And by doing so, I've been a decidedly happier person :)

Anyway, the situation as you describe it is really unfortunate - Im really sorry you've attracted this person's attention. Sad thing is, in my time in recovery programs, this type of thing tends to happen. Not at all frequently, however anyone who's been around has seen it. At this stage you probably haven't found a home group, which is actually good because it would feel awful to feel pressured to avoid a home group due to harassment by another individual.

Approaching the person and directly informing them that you are not interested in what they are proposing is one way I've seen these situations handled successfully... Another is relocation, which as you ave said you've done. How unfortunate to have come to that - and yet, how wonderful and miraculous you've still got your sobriety!! (Many people abandon hope when faced with a situation like this and wind up relapsing).

People that latch on to others can be extremely off-putting, but try out different ways of approaching the situation before letting the stress build up to the point where you're in the danger zone. Also seek advice from those AA'ers immediately around you. Do they know this person? Did they have similar experiences? What worked for them? Always, always keep yourself open to those around you - and to the world itself. For me, the best opportunities have been discovered by keeping my head up and allowing myself to take everything in. Everything, that is, but a drink!

;)
~ Vaya
 
Vaya,

Thanks. I started going because the vodka binge made me physically sick and malnourished. I'm not in the court system, at all. I was the type of drinker who would stock up in the morning if I was going to drink that day and then not leave the house for fear of getting behind the wheel when I shouldn't. I knew at least that. Hurting someone on the road is not an option. I sure did drink, but I didn't drive.

I'm glad that even though you don't drive, you've made arrangements to attend meetings. There's a woman in my homegroup (I chose the first one I attended, it meets 6 days per week at lunchtime and is a mix of non-scary people, all ages/races, child-friendly even) whose temporary DUI permit is about to expire, so she offered me gas money to drive her when I go. The meeting place is about a 3 mile round trip and I have a car and a valid license so it's no trouble at all. :) I like that AAs do that for each other. The more "senior" members who have been going to my homegroup for years have taken me under their wing. I have many people to call if I feel in danger of slipping. I have only done that twice and I avoided drinking both times. 2 hours till Day 14!

What Casey did was so unfair. The AA folks I have talked to... well, all of them know her and think she's a drama queen/shit-disturber who is probably still using. They reminded me that my sobriety is my first priority. I took that to heart, and that's why I told Casey that I cannot associate with a sex offender in addition to what I've already explained. Casey is not a victim of the system. She was tried and found guilty of a sex offense. NO. GTFO.

I continue to be thankful for your support, TDS. I'll continue to post thoughts and updates, but let's open this thread for anyone who's had a similar experience and wishes to share. What, if any, negative experiences have you had in treatment/programs/therapy, and what are coping strategies you found to be useful?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Some people deserve a chance at success, and frankly, they shouldn't talk to me.
Click to expand...

^Don't beat yourself up CH. You have many wonderful qualities as a person.^

Not everyone's into 12 step groups or AA/NA, and there are other groups you can have such as friends/family, or even this section of the site and there are other sobriety/recovery based sites and group meetings out there.

Mariposa, how did this person get your cellphone number, or work number?

I'm not in AA/NA but talk to your sponsor or some sort of group "moderator" about Casey and how they are into harassing you.

I have encountered drama queens/energy vampires like you did, I do my best to avoid them, and I don't give them my phone number or contact info.

Congrats on getting sober Mariposa. The coping things I do are getting on a schedule or trying to, exercising more, eating right, getting plenty of sleep, drinking enough water or avoiding drinking any alcohol at all, and I avoid going to places where there's a lot of alcohol and people shoving it in my face either buying drinks or people who I used to consider "friends" who really could care less if I start to drink again. I understand this doesn't work for everyone or people will find it odd that I've never been to an AA/NA meeting-I thought about going to "Wharf Rats" meetings at dead/phish shows but instead I just don't drink any booze at concerts or events now; but this is what works for me personally.
 
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CH - agreed not to beat yourself up. You're a solid dude who deserves a chance at success, however you choose to define that.

AA is not for everyone. Bluelight's really the best fellowship I've found; unfortunately most of you live too far away to see regularly! My friends have been super supportive, and now they know who to call when they need a designated driver. ;) I really don't care if others drink in front of me but I do avoid bars and alcohol-heavy events, at least for now. I'm far from stodgy even though I don't drink anymore.

Priest, I gave it to her. It is very common to swap numbers in AA, particularly women exchanging numbers with women, so as to avoid creeps. Since Casey lives as a woman and is a member of an all-women's homegroup (mine is coed, and no creeps there), I didn't feel weird about it.

Already talked to one of the women who I believe I will choose to ask to sponsor me. I've clicked well with two who are 5+ years sober, employed professionally, married with families. Their reaction was the same as all of ours - that the sex crime thing is, well, disgusting. "Energy vampire" is an absolutely apt description. Casey has absolutely no filter. In the first 5 minutes I talked to her, she disclosed that she had HIV and Hep C, that she got it from shooting dope, told me where she scores (I'd never need to know that as I don't use heroin) and that sometimes she is a sex worker, and that she still has a dick. 8( All she knew about me was my name, the town I live in and that I'm newly sober. I don't understand why she told me about her dick. I don't care about her damn dick.

I have no plans to invite anyone from AA to my house except my sponsor when I choose her. My housemate and I don't invite people over whom we do not know VERY well. It's a basic security measure for two females who share a house and it is common courtesy as well.

AA meetings really vary in my limited experience. If you're not presently drinking and handling it well on your own, you may or may not benefit from going to a meeting. There IS a lot of groupthink in AA, which in my opinion gives the newly sober something to focus on besides drinking. People share their personal stories, many of which would scare someone straight. The solidarity of all of us who wish to be sober and take the program seriously is really inspiring to me. No one is stuffy and a surprising amount of laughter happens in those rooms.

My overall conclusion is that Casey is an attention whore. I'm sympathetic to the fact that she has two terminal illnesses at age 26. I'm sympathetic to the fact that she is an alcoholic and an addict. I know she is struggling with being both intersexed and transgendered; she's in a major identity crisis. NONE of this gives her an excuse to be a creepy leech and to make others uncomfortable. The smokers in the group all get annoyed when she asks to bum one (heh, I'm quitting that too - what the hell happened ;)). Basically if you have something she wants, she will make you feel like a piece of shit if you don't give her at least half. I can easily imagine her getting her ass kicked in certain drug situations.

Priest, I re-read what you said about a group "moderator" and just realized that one of the first people I met in AA is a high-level member called a General Service Representative. It's an elected position for someone who is very serious about the program. I see him at my homegroup all the time and he initially cautioned me about the "Skid Row" meeting, said there were a lot of people who had been incarcerated for serious violent and property crimes and to be careful. I expect I'll see him today, and I'll report back on what he has to say about this situation.

:) Onward and upward.
 
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^^I agree as well. If you live in a major city/metropolitan area, you really have your pick of meetings. If you can access Bluelight, you can access www.aa.org and search for a meeting in your area. Many people do well starting out in same-sex meetings and/or newcomer meetings. I've been to both; the closest women's meeting is unfortunately Casey's homegroup, so I'm trying another later this week. I love my homegroup (which is free of creeps) but I would like to meet more women in sobriety.

I requested the advice of the high-level representative I referred to above. He has been to the "Skid Row" group (it's not really called that, but it should be). I asked if there was a set protocol to ensure the safety and well-being of new AAs against financial/economic, spiritual or sexual predation. He discussed this exact subject at a seminar in the past and while it is more common for members to hit up newbies for money or start Bible-thumping, there are as many creeps in AA as anywhere else. He offered to have a talk with Casey next time he sees her to state in no uncertain terms that such behavior has no place in AA. Rarely, repeat offenders are banned from meetings. I also brought up that there is a lot of cross-talk in this meeting about criminal activity, most specifically auto theft and where to obtain brass knuckles. One guy had brass knuckles in his pocket (they are only legal in this state if open-carried, not legal if concealed) and was showing them off while talking about how to hotwire a car. Oddly enough, no one talks about where to score drugs, just property crimes and weapons.

So Casey will be getting an earful from this gentleman who is well-known and well-respected in the organization. He is as disgusted as I am that a fucking convicted rapist came on to me in an environment where I should feel safe. He recommends that I stick to my homegroup (also his homegroup) and to women's meetings for the time being. I have many newfound criticisms of AA, but I will address that in the alcoholism thread. I remain sober, Day 16 now.
 
Barely know where to begin Posa,

As to not ramble I'll just say that while I have yet to experience that situation, the walls are filled with extremely sick people (myself included). In searching for groups I found early morning fellowships had many more old timers that are about the system and no BS. This tends to get rid of the social minglers coming for whatever agenda (they more than likely do not even know) but sobriety from whatever their drug or drink may be.

Also I found groups bigger than 12-16 weren't for me, personally, too much cross talk and 5th grade classroom behavior. Those are just two simple thoughts that have helped me out some. But, at the end of the day, it's gonna be trial and error. Luckily their are groups 24/7 - please stay away from this creep posa <3 miss you a lot btw :/
 
Update! It's been a struggle. I've been stressed for many reasons.

I did speak with a woman from my homegroup who I asked to sponsor me. She said yes. I unloaded what I talked about here in the thread. She's Casey's ex-sponsor! Talk about irony. She said to stay away from Casey because she uses people. Although the situation is unfortunate, it was gratifying to know that my desire to avoid Casey at any cost was not without good reason.

TAOW, the walls are indeed filled with extremely sick people. Cross-talk and 5th grade classroom behavior are EXACTLY how I would describe the meeting at which I met Casey. I am sticking to my homegroup because it's filled with recovering alcoholics, not convicted sex offenders. I don't want to share my thoughts on my addiction in an exploitative environment. I'm there to help and be helped, not harassed.
 
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