Where do I begin? I love to tell my sop story of heart ache, but I'll spare you this time.
Suffice to say I have always been depressed (with a two year hiatus due to love), but social anxiety was never an issue until about two years ago.
I was always shy, very shy, but more avoidant than anxious and I had no problems speaking in public or being in public spaces. But after my drug addiction stint, and after three years of antidepressants, I suddenly became literally scared of people and social situations. Chances are that I always had this, but avoided it by avoiding social situations and therefore never experiencing social anxiety.
But being 26 it's harder to avoid people than at 17.
Right now I'm on subutex and Remeron for depression and insomnia. I kicked Effexor without my doctors consent because it completely removed my sex drive.
About a year ago I ran out of Remeron and was out of scripts. My doctor was on holiday and I went two weeks without. I had the most intense social anxiety I have ever had and gained a lot of respect for Remeron.
The fact that lack of Remeron gave increased social anxiety led me to believe that taking Remeron relieved it. Now, I'm sure medical data disproves this, but I have always been very susceptible and a classic "Placebo-thinker". So, strangely, because I believed Remeron took away my social anxiety, it sort of did... At least more than it did before and more than the data implies.
A tiny amount of progress.
Sadly, my last two years of school did a lot of damage because of combination - I'm convinced - of paranoia and actual bullying at my school and ruined any confidence I ever had in that department.
Trouble is: I have no friends anymore. Not really. I also have no job anymore. I have been living of savings for two months and although I meet my girlfriend/S.O. every weekend, I spend a lot of time alone. Therefore I am more anxious about little things like going to the shops. Even passing strangers in the street makes me forget momentarily how to walk.
This is worrying, of course. How much worse will it get?
Even more worrying is that 28 of august I start a writing work shop. It's about 15 people of selected people attending a publishing house run course. (Yes, I am boasting - this is my tiny sliver of some achievement in my life today.)
AND knowing my current pattern, I know I will be SO shy I will be unable to look people in the eye, speak out loud and be social. AND I know from experience that unless you perform in this way the first few times, you get labelled and shun - at least in part. So I need to avoid this.
Question is how.
Drugs? Alcohol? Saving up subutex?
Mind exercises fly out the window in the face of my extreme shyness/anxiety. (Case in point: I was SO shy that even at a social anxiety group therapy, I was too shy to speak in front of the group...)
With my subutex-treatment I'm sure I'll have a harder time getting benzos from my psychiatrist. But should I try? Or try for a less narcotic anxiety med?
In my defence, I have only taken benzos "illegally" a few times because though they did help with anxiety, they made me very depressed, so abuse was never a worry.
I live in ScandiEurope where benzos are more frowned upon and less easily given patients.
But what else can I do?
I know doing nothing will lead to disaster, but also that over-thinking it will make it worse still.
Imagine having the social confidence of a four year old hiding behind mommy's skirt and you have some idea of my current state of mind.
Cheers in advance.
Suffice to say I have always been depressed (with a two year hiatus due to love), but social anxiety was never an issue until about two years ago.
I was always shy, very shy, but more avoidant than anxious and I had no problems speaking in public or being in public spaces. But after my drug addiction stint, and after three years of antidepressants, I suddenly became literally scared of people and social situations. Chances are that I always had this, but avoided it by avoiding social situations and therefore never experiencing social anxiety.
But being 26 it's harder to avoid people than at 17.
Right now I'm on subutex and Remeron for depression and insomnia. I kicked Effexor without my doctors consent because it completely removed my sex drive.
About a year ago I ran out of Remeron and was out of scripts. My doctor was on holiday and I went two weeks without. I had the most intense social anxiety I have ever had and gained a lot of respect for Remeron.
The fact that lack of Remeron gave increased social anxiety led me to believe that taking Remeron relieved it. Now, I'm sure medical data disproves this, but I have always been very susceptible and a classic "Placebo-thinker". So, strangely, because I believed Remeron took away my social anxiety, it sort of did... At least more than it did before and more than the data implies.
A tiny amount of progress.
Sadly, my last two years of school did a lot of damage because of combination - I'm convinced - of paranoia and actual bullying at my school and ruined any confidence I ever had in that department.
Trouble is: I have no friends anymore. Not really. I also have no job anymore. I have been living of savings for two months and although I meet my girlfriend/S.O. every weekend, I spend a lot of time alone. Therefore I am more anxious about little things like going to the shops. Even passing strangers in the street makes me forget momentarily how to walk.
This is worrying, of course. How much worse will it get?
Even more worrying is that 28 of august I start a writing work shop. It's about 15 people of selected people attending a publishing house run course. (Yes, I am boasting - this is my tiny sliver of some achievement in my life today.)
AND knowing my current pattern, I know I will be SO shy I will be unable to look people in the eye, speak out loud and be social. AND I know from experience that unless you perform in this way the first few times, you get labelled and shun - at least in part. So I need to avoid this.
Question is how.
Drugs? Alcohol? Saving up subutex?
Mind exercises fly out the window in the face of my extreme shyness/anxiety. (Case in point: I was SO shy that even at a social anxiety group therapy, I was too shy to speak in front of the group...)
With my subutex-treatment I'm sure I'll have a harder time getting benzos from my psychiatrist. But should I try? Or try for a less narcotic anxiety med?
In my defence, I have only taken benzos "illegally" a few times because though they did help with anxiety, they made me very depressed, so abuse was never a worry.
I live in ScandiEurope where benzos are more frowned upon and less easily given patients.
But what else can I do?
I know doing nothing will lead to disaster, but also that over-thinking it will make it worse still.
Imagine having the social confidence of a four year old hiding behind mommy's skirt and you have some idea of my current state of mind.
Cheers in advance.
