please help me

[figure11]

I'm not usually the type to ask for help, but I am the type to know when I need it. I feel so low right now it is actually scaring me. I feel that I am not connected to anything at all; I am a floating, mindless, nothing. My heart is aching and I can't emotionally conceptualize why - although I somewhat can logically...

I've been struggling with addiction for a couple years now but have only 6 months in the recovery process. That does not mean that I have been clean and sober in the least. Since I moved out by myself I've been spiraling. It was a gentle spiral at first, but I am full-fledged free falling now. Back into opiates. The same thing that killed my father just a few months ago. I finally met him after 13 years of longing for a father and desperation, and just 4 months into knowing him we did methadone together and he overdosed and died that night. Part of me thinks I haven't dealt with that yet.

Just two weeks after that, my partner of two years, and love of my young life broke up with me.

At the same time, my life on paper looks immaculate. I was valedictorian in my graduating class. I have many associates I can call my friends, though none I feel a connection to at the moment. I am an up and coming musician in my town and have been gaining success. People do not realize that I have zero motivation or inspiration for this career that I was lucky enough to forge. I am in a recovery program with a large support system who believe in me and do not realize I having been using the past month.

I literally do not know what to do. I feel like I am on the fence of complete beauty and meaning in my life, and an endless pit of despair. I need help. I need advice. I need a sign. I need God, an awakening, something, anything other than this. I am so scared and sad. Please.

 

[bloodshed344]

I'm not usually the type to ask for help, but I am the type to know when I need it. I feel so low right now it is actually scaring me. I feel that I am not connected to anything at all; I am a floating, mindless, nothing. My heart is aching and I can't emotionally conceptualize why - although I somewhat can logically...

I've been struggling with addiction for a couple years now but have only 6 months in the recovery process. That does not mean that I have been clean and sober in the least. Since I moved out by myself I've been spiraling. It was a gentle spiral at first, but I am full-fledged free falling now. Back into opiates. The same thing that killed my father just a few months ago. I finally met him after 13 years of longing for a father and desperation, and just 4 months into knowing him we did methadone together and he overdosed and died that night. Part of me thinks I haven't dealt with that yet.

Just two weeks after that, my partner of two years, and love of my young life broke up with me.

At the same time, my life on paper looks immaculate. I was valedictorian in my graduating class. I have many associates I can call my friends, though none I feel a connection to at the moment. I am an up and coming musician in my town and have been gaining success. People do not realize that I have zero motivation or inspiration for this career that I was lucky enough to forge. I am in a recovery program with a large support system who believe in me and do not realize I having been using the past month.

I literally do not know what to do. I feel like I am on the fence of complete beauty and meaning in my life, and an endless pit of despair. I need help. I need advice. I need a sign. I need God, an awakening, something, anything other than this. I am so scared and sad. Please.

Your sign should be you writing this. Sounds like the deal with your dad has fucked you up... but overall I can relate to your feelings. However my life does not look immaculate on paper, it looks shitty. You should be happy for what you do have, and don't long for a god. <snip> Psychiatric medications can make you forget about your problems, but the cure is one that sticks with you when you haven't had any drugs.

Hey, I'm still working on all this myself but at least I can give advice to someone who has similar emotions to me. I don't know how much my little post will help but... well I try. Feel free to ask me whatever you want.

Sorry Re-Distributed, did not look at the forum this was in!

 

[Seeking Where?]

'On the fence of complete beauty and meaning in my life, and an endless pit of despair' - that is where anyone conscious, truly conscious, of the world is, all the time. part of me wishes it were not so; it is so hard. But it is possible to hang on, to learn to keep one's balance there. It is a place of truth, and curiously, can also be a place of power. As for signs, in my experience, one has to be open to messages in unexpected places and from unexpected people. Here's one that helped me keep breathing on a day I found it almost impossible:

I once asked a person, "Where do you find the strength to carry on?" And the person responded, "Life is a heavy burden to carry . . . but I do find strength in the ashes." "In the ashes?" I asked. "Yes," said the person. "You see, each of us is on a journey. A difficult journey. And during this journey, we may feel that we are alone. But in the process of our journey, we must build a fire – a fire for light, for warmth, and for food. When our fingers scrape the ground, hoping to find the coals of another's fire, what we often find are ashes. And in those ashes, which will not give us light or warmth, there may be sadness, but there is also testimony. Because these ashes tell us that somebody else has been in the night. Somebody else has bent to build a fire. And somebody else has carried on. And sometimes that can be enough." (Adapted from Noah ben Shea, Jacob the Baker [New York: Ballantine Books, 1989], pp. 108-113)

For me, God was in these words. If you don't find God here, stay open - each soul has its own language and you will learn to understand yours.

 

[thedawn]

hey man,I'm sorry you feel like this right now.
remember it's just temporary.

you should probably come clean with the people in your
recovery program that believes in you.tell them what you told us.

being resourceful ,like you,can be a blessing and a curse.
in addiction,highly intelligent people seem to struggle harder.
something to do with ultimately feeling superior and the concept of powerlessness.

 

[mixinvixen]

Dear Seeking,
The above post about the ashes was very touching. I too am feeling hopeless and helpless. I would come to this site many times to find info from others experiences. I joined a few days ago. I've posted a few times with no reply's. My DOC are opiates. At this point they're not even a choice. I have complicated medical issues. I began with Suboxone. Very small doses. After 4 surgeries last year I was up to 5-8/2MG Strips per day. I weaned myself down to 3 and jumped 22 days ago. My Sub MD has given me ample opiates & benzo's. I still feel like crap. Can't eat, sleep, walk, shower or evacuate. At times I have unstoppable runs. I sympathize with Figure 11 as that's exactly how I feel. I've 8 years sober of booze. I think at times that just taking a whole mess of pills with a bottle of bourbon might take me to my next spirit. This body doesn't work. I excelled at everything I did even when I was drinking. I live in a small town where healthcare is poor and hard to get. I can't drive. My injury has left me partially paralyzed. My next spinal surgery is Aug. 5. No matter how much opiate I take the pain never stops. I really don't understand how to use this site effectively. I could use some help (obviously) and some friends. I'm miles away from humans. I rely on the internet for human interaction. I hope you will respond to a friend in need. TY mixinvixen

 

[sconnie420]

I can relate to u as well..no necessarily the same way bit I have struggled w these same feeljngs myself and a lot more then usual lately..my lover of 8 years dumped me also... I have bad abandonment issues and have now come to realizze I need to do some real soul searching..I need a major change in my life..I'm going to be 30 years old this year and have accomplished nothing..recently I have seriously been contemplating suicide..today though, I did somethng for others..I became a bone marrow doner..

I guess what I'm saying here is ur in the right place, a lot of people here can relate to ur feelings.. were all going thru the same thing..myself I've just been trying desperatly to find some happiness peace and love for myself.. its a very slow process..pm me if u need anythng bud, ur nt in this alone.

 

[mixinvixen]

Hi 11,
I'm feeling lost and ready to give up. I feel your pain. I wish I was in a position to offer advice. I'm not because all I can do is wish I wouldn't wake up. I am very spiritual. "I refer to God as My Father" as to me he is the Great Father of us all. He gave us free will, but it's my belief that he intended us to be happy, joyous and free. I pray constantly. I'm told God don't make no junk and that there's a reason for everything. I try to hold onto my faith that the above is true. Each day I become sicker. My MD's have no answers, but lots of pills. I have a surgery for my spine (#5) on Aug. 5th. I had to do a lot of work to get there. It was suppose to be 2 weeks ago today. As they were prepping me during pre-op, just b4 they stuck the needle in my arm a nurse came running in and said, "STOP!" The insurance company has just called and denied the surgery. They say it's not Life Threatening. I find becoming paralyzed with a chance of not breathing life threatening. Goes to show you just how much the insurance companies value life. I'm just a number to them. I had to cancel my insurance and go on straight Medicare in order to have the surgery I need and have needed since my X surgeon f-cked it up for the 3rd time last May. I know the feeling of true agony on all levels. I don't know much about how to use this site or make some friends. A little help might take our minds off of our woes and we might even find some joy. I'm wishing you the best and hoping to hear back from you. From my heart, mixinvixen.

 

[sconnie420]

U need any help mixi hit me up as well...ill b your friend it sounds like ur going thru a lot, I am as well just totally differenet circumstances..I enjoy helping people in anyway I can..

 

[missmeyet?]

Mixinvixen...welcome to BL along with the original poster. You will find a lot of support here if you just go to the correct areas. You have found The Dark Side which is helpful also look at the chronic pain threads. Many people have experienced the same and are more than willing to help out. Good luck and hang in there. Just remember when you are at the bottom you can only go up....sounds stupid but there is some truth in it.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm sorry about your father me and my dad use opioids together and it scares the living hell out of me that one of us may have to deal with loosing the other but as for you have you thought about entering a rehab facility or at least seeking therapy it could help you a lot

 

[TooOldForThis]

I hope you will decide to be honest with your support people in your recovery program. I think if you take that step, you will feel a great sense of relief.

 

[sconnie420]

^agree.

 

[figure11]

Thank you so much for the love and advice, guys. Right after I posted this, I called my mom at 1 in the morning and we talked for quite awhile. I let her know I have been using and need help. I also let my recovery program know. Sometimes necessary steps to wellbeing can be painful and fucking terrifying. I'm still using, but at least I'm not being secretive about it- which for me, that's really half the battle. If any of you want someone to talk to or relate with, feel free to PM me. We could all use a friend, it seems. Be good to yourselves, Bluelighters.

 

[figure11]

I can relate to u as well..no necessarily the same way bit I have struggled w these same feeljngs myself and a lot more then usual lately..my lover of 8 years dumped me also... I have bad abandonment issues and have now come to realizze I need to do some real soul searching..I need a major change in my life..I'm going to be 30 years old this year and have accomplished nothing..recently I have seriously been contemplating suicide..today though, I did somethng for others..I became a bone marrow doner..

I guess what I'm saying here is ur in the right place, a lot of people here can relate to ur feelings.. were all going thru the same thing..myself I've just been trying desperatly to find some happiness peace and love for myself.. its a very slow process..pm me if u need anythng bud, ur nt in this alone.

Thank you so much for the kind words. Good on you for donating your bone marrow! That is brave, and you are saving lives. Maybe I should seek out helping others as well. Might give me some sense of meaning in this life. You're right; none of us are in this alone. We should use each other as the brilliant resource that we are. Peace be with you, sconnie.

 

[sconnie420]

Anyone interested in bone marrow. I went to bethematch.com, I belive..ya I needed to feel like I was helping people.I wanted tondo something selfless and I thought that would be a good way..next I'm going to seek out an adrenaline rush; skydiving, something I still need some ideas for that..I just want the rush..hot air balloon maybe idk..just something.. anykne ever needs a rant or something my pm box is always available..so many people have helped me here, I'd love to repay the favor..just do n be good n good will come back to you..its karma..ok I'm ranting, sorry I'm gitty..

 

[johhnya541]

Hang in there man. I too am battling with opioid addiction. I detox myself for a few weeks then I jump right back on to them and relapse... It seems to me the only way I feel happy is when I'm on them. This all started about a year ago when I contracted a brain injury from being overdosed with a research chemical at a music festival. Some asshole poured a puddle of 25i-nbome (a dangerous analogue that has been killing people.) into my hand. He told me it was LSD. Thinking it was "really clean" LSD according to the cool Hippie, I thought I could handle it. My body didn't react well at all to 25i, I felt my heart pounding out of my chest for like 10 seconds then from that point on I haven't been myself. For the rest of the festival my friends and GF said I was acting really weird, looked like I had no energy whatsoever. I went to the hospital after the fest and they found nothing physically wrong with me but I didn't feel that way. Symptoms I felt were as follows; Severe anxiety, depression, OCD, repeating myself, suicidal, angry for no reason to people, memory problems. My GF left me because I was so different. I had to move home with my parents because I lost my job and couldn't pay rent. I got into a neuropsychologist finally and he diagnosed me with Substance induced amnestic disorder. He told me quote "you fried your brain" I was like "thanks, thats a good way to get the point across." Anyways thats when I tried my grandmothers Norco's and they helped me drown out the pain. I developed a tolerance then moved on to Percocet's, after I developed a tolerance to those I moved on to oxy's and morphines. I go through withdraws all the time when I don't have them. I feel so numb when I'm on them and severely depressed without them. Its a rough road, I think I need help.

Just know, there are so many people out there that are way worse off (I know its negative to think about but its true) Stay up man, just give yourself space and time to recover.