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plz b kind I need ur help..

I could I mean I'm not ugly by any means, no beauty queen but not ugly.but the thought of it is disturbing...I haven't even hardly looked at another man in almost a decade, let alone think about sleeping w/one...I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize even the smallest chance I may have left..I would probably start crying the instant we started...
 
Honestly the whole desperate/needy girl vibe you are giving off even through the internet is a major turn off for most guys. It sounds like he is definitely stringing you along by saying things like "at least for now" and "i still love you." Like someone else said he will keep manipulating you unless you demand respect.

As hard as it may be you have GOT TO STOP the showing up at his doorstep and bawling type actions and act like you dont care about him. Only then will he begin to realize if he truly loves you and wants you back or not.
 
Men can be faithful. I'm a faithful guy. From experience.....its going to be very hard to not think about the other people he was with while you were on your break.....I myself would get disgusted during sex thinking about the men my ex was with while we were on a break.....she would always ask me what was wrong, and I could only sit on the edge of the bed while visions of these other men fucking my beloved raced through my mind. Were they better than me? Does she really love me? Will she eventually cheat on me? Fucking hate those feelings.
 
Thanks for the input guys, I'm definitley going to take a step back.. I suppose i should just focus on me now..I'm going to force myself to have no contact and be productive, positive, health, and happy.. I m definitley not going to rush into anything new anytime soon so..idk I can only take it one day at a time..

He was always faithful when we were together.
 
knock said:
I came in here to check out Pagey's mod-style but looks like I can contribute a bit here with my own experience! Pagey will recognise the story :) (Pagey I'm not really scrutinisng you at all, you just reminded me it can be interesting in here ;))

I'm a guy. I was with my ex for about ten years. There was a lot behind our breakup. I broke up with her. I still loved her but my head was full of resentment at her as she'd done things that I thought I couldn't forgive. We kept in touch and had sex a fair bit after "breaking up". Eventually things in my life came to a head and I quit my job and moved to another city. I thought I needed a clean start and that I would meet people and maybe a new girlfriend.

Well I did make friends, and got decent jobs. I have a hard time approaching women, but there were a few women I was interested in and did flirt with, but it always turned out they were all in relationships. I know, I met the boyfriends and fiancés. I met one girl who was into me and we kissed but I was fucked on drugs and I thought I made a tit of myself, so I didn't meet her again.

My ex moved to the same city six months after me. That freaked me out a bit. But I still loved her deep down, so we spent time together and eventually - after a couple of years - she moved in with me and my housemates. At that point I had pretty much stopped all the obsessive thoughts that had made it so difficult to be with her, but I was still in my head thinking I needed a fresh start. I ended up moving again, somewhere where she wouldn't want to follow me! A campsite in the middle of nowhere living in a motor-home. I was there for a year before I decided I'd had enough so I moved back home.

By this time I really wanted to get back together with her, I'd forgiven all her "sins" and I wanted to settle down with her and have a family. But she'd got fed up with me and my antics and had decided she didn't want a family! And now she's getting a bit old to do that, she's 46 (I'm 40).

So I'm stuck here in love with the woman who chased me across the country, but she's not interested in me any more. Odd thing is it doesn't bother me much! We're still friends and it's fine to meet up with her and do something fun, and yet know that we'll be saying goodbye and going to our separate homes. I do still love her and I'm sure she still loves me but we've been through so much and she's probably scared of getting hurt yet again (she'd had a rough time in relationships before meeting me, which contributed to our problems).

But long this post isn't it? Stims :| All to say, sometimes a break up is required to let the past become the past, and after that has happened it might be possible to get back together again, but the break up has to be long enough for it to work its magic. So that could take a lot of patience on your part. <3
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I think you were right in the first place and think that you still need a fresh start.

I don't agree that waiting for the bad memories to fade is a solution for a failed relationship.

Sure the glow of nostalgia starts to create a mirage of happy reunions and bright futures but how likely is that, really.
 
Guuurl, you are sounding waay too desperate on this thread--I can't imagine what you're sounding like to him! Pull yourself together. Find yourself. You're lost without him? You cant live without him? Well, get yourself together! Pull your life together and start taking steps in the right direction--WITHOUT HIM. He sounds like a jackass and asshole. I mean, you can think about all the good times. But, how is that helping you?

You need to MOVE ON. Be happy. Live without him. Get some INDEPENDENCE.
 
morpher001 said:
I think you were right in the first place and think that you still need a fresh start.

I don't agree that waiting for the bad memories to fade is a solution for a failed relationship.

Sure the glow of nostalgia starts to create a mirage of happy reunions and bright futures but how likely is that, really.
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Did I say it was a solution? No I did not. In certain circumstances, a break could be a solution.

It's got fuck all to do with nostalgia either. And it's not about letting bad memories fade, I still have the memories, however in the light of experience they do not appear bad, they appear ridiculous.
 
I read your post, I didn't reply to offend you.

Perhaps am missing the point you are trying to make.
 
Sconnie I'm sorry this happened, when threads like this pop up I tend to look past every other post. You have been with this man quite some time. You have to ask yourself if it's worth sticking around for. It's not an easy decision to make either. He could have easily made this decision for you, just going by his actions. Though it doesn't make it easier for you, take a step back for a few more days. Do nothing, ultimately your heart will tell you what's right.
 
morpher001 said:
I read your post, I didn't reply to offend you.

Perhaps am missing the point you are trying to make.
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No I know that, but I'm the person that is living the thing and you're the one telling me it's a glow of nostalgia creating a mirage? No it's not.


My story was intended to get the OP to stop hassling her bf, to give him some space to breathe, perhaps give herself some space to breathe too, then once that's happened, things might be looked at in a less emotionally clouded way. That is the point I am trying to make.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
Agreed. ^

I mean, you guys broke up and it seemed like he was just using you to help him get through not being alone. It's been 3 months--that's kind of a long time to be "working things out". I think you need to cut all contact with him so you can begin to heal from this. Sometimes, it's tough to just walk away... but I think you need to do it for yourself. It's never a good idea to be close with any of your exes.

Why did you guys break up in the first place?
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I have got to say Pretty Diamons from reading most of your posts it seems as if you are projecting your own emotions from your own toxic relationship on others...?
 
knock said:
No I know that, but I'm the person that is living the thing and you're the one telling me it's a glow of nostalgia creating a mirage? No it's not.


My story was intended to get the OP to stop hassling her bf, to give him some space to breathe, perhaps give herself some space to breathe too, then once that's happened, things might be looked at in a less emotionally clouded way. That is the point I am trying to make.
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I hope the ongoing and indefinite wait pays off for you. As you say, I am in no position to comment on your circumstances or choices.

In my life, I have found there is much to be said for fresh starts. I prefer to have some sense of control over my future and waiting/hoping someone will change their mind would be too painful.
 
I'm going to be leaving him alone..focus on myself and try and do things that willmake me happy...if he comes back cool, if not I have learned a very very hard lession...an old friend emaild me and he's going thru the same thing right now..we've been talking a lot which helps.. (just a friend, there will b no hooking up).. there will be no more contact on my part..there will be no more desperate aTtempts to get him back.
 
Oh, have I been that girl...7 years "investing" in a man. I would give anything to talk to my 19 year old self, but here was what was clouding her mind:
1. He must really love me because at the end of the day, he comes back to me.
2. He's so smart, so full of potential, the only one who really understands me...and that's why it's worth the storm now.
3. What we have is different from what he has with other women, and he'll realize that, even if I have to physically scream it at him
4. There is no one who will ever make me feel this whole, this alive, this adored. And because of that I have to forgive his "indiscretions"

In my experience, looking back now, quitting a relationship like that is like quitting an addiction. I would do anything to get it back, my mind would race into territory I never thought I was capable of, and when I couldn't be with him it was like I was physically imploding. I'm not sure what triggered inside me to think "All this time I spend investing in someone else...imagine what could happen if I devoted just one year to me". So I did. I joked that I was dating myself (I bought me nice things, went to therapy, adopted a cat, went back to school for my masters). I must have done something very right because about a year later I did meet the man I'm going to marry.

At risk of sounding ridiculously cliche (I'm certain 19-26 year old me would have just eye rolled) you have to find love and respect for yourself first. I'm quite sure my fiancee now would never have given me more than a minute out of his life for me then, because he's a good man and wanted a woman to be his equal, not his project. There are no answers to behavior like his, none that you will accept and will make you feel better. I remember wanting closure, feeling like I was entitled to answers, but closure is more a process than an event. The hardest thing in the world you will have to do for yourself is accepting you'll never know why you weren't enough: pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, dedicated enough. The triumph is looking back and being able to say HE wasn't enough. Try and forgive yourself for behavior that might churn your stomach. You have a lot of life left to live, and I can almost promise if you're able to stay away and date yourself for a while you might very well have this same conversation with another person who is sick with a broken heart. Much stranger things have happened :)
 
Thank u for the words...I'm going to focus on myself..I've already started looking into getting a dog..I have to find a permanent place to live, bc I'm back at home now..if it was ment to be, hell b bck. If not then ill chalk it up to lessioned learned.I just hope that this isn't one of those things I regret the rest of my life.
 
morpher001 said:
I hope the ongoing and indefinite wait pays off for you. As you say, I am in no position to comment on your circumstances or choices.

In my life, I have found there is much to be said for fresh starts. I prefer to have some sense of control over my future and waiting/hoping someone will change their mind would be too painful.
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You still don't get it though, I'm not "waiting", I broke up with my ex and tried to have a fresh start, it didn't work out. I am about to try another fresh start. However, for the moment, I keep an open mind.
 
Knock..that's where I'm at also..I'm scared of a new start, but I have to keep an open optimistic mind or ill loose it myself..I've done fabulous today, no text messagine, and no real contact.. I wrote a goodbye letter and left it w my house key on the porch.it was heartbreaking , but a necessary part I think on moving forward.. sadly sti ll hope he comes back but one step at a time..I'm meeting w an old friend tonight so that'll b fun..
 
Well goodbye needs to be said, leave it at that. You gave him his key back, good. Try not to contact him any more, hard as it may be.
He's seeing other people so he's already moving on. You need some time alone in order to heal. Fuck being "friends."

I wouldn't take him back if he came crawling and begging. I know that's easy to say, but he's hurt you and could do it easily again.
I know you really miss him but you're better off without this guy. You have no reason to stay in contact, stop calling, texting and letter writing.
 
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