my loved one recently quit using meth...

[justhopeful]

I've never posted here before, just thought I'd give it a try after reading so many supportive and helpful threads posted by users on this site.

I am a young woman in her early 20's and am currently in a loving, committed, long term relationship. About two months ago I found out that my loved one has been smoking meth daily for the past 6 months. It began when his mother, who he was very close to passed away. I am not at all familiar with the drug so I have no knowledge about how greatly the frequency and quantity of use have been affecting my loved one. Three days ago, while we were on vacation he decided to quit using.

We are home now and since quitting he has been experiencing horrible nightmares. I think that they must be excruciatingly vivid based on his behavior and panic attacks when he awakes. He has little to no appetite and usually refuses to drink water. This morning he woke up in a fit of anger. He trashed our bedroom, threatened to tear our home apart in order to find his hidden stashes of drugs, and then broke down in tears and fell asleep again.

Aside from these symptoms, he describes to me this feeling of being dead even when he is awake. He says he feels no happiness or pleasure anymore at all. Even when high. His anxiety is obviously out of control when he is awake and he has no energy at all.

And this is only day 3 of his sobriety.

All I am looking for is advice on managing his withdrawal symptoms and the psychological side effects of quitting this drug. I want to know what I can do to make this very difficult process easier on him, because his recovery is so important to me. Any advice or information or personal stories will help. I just want him to be himself again, I want him to feel happiness again. And I'd like to hear what others found helpful when they were trying to get sober.

Appreciate all of your feedback.

 

[GenericName12]

I can actually speak from the other end of the spectrum, as the abuser who finally came out to my girlfriend relatively recently. It's a very similar story to yours. I cannot speak about the specifics of meth but all addictions are similar.

Obviously she felt extremely betrayed/shocked/etc because there were many times when I made up stories/events/etc to give myself instances to abuse. This was often. I lied to her repeatedly. Like you, she couldn't understand even though she desperately wanted to. I felt guilty every time I lied to her but the drugs made that all go away, until the comedown where I would feel bad again. She had no idea. Apparently I am a very convincing liar.

I think a big thing for me that is helpful is to just have her there with me listening to my stories and how I feel. There was also extreme relief when I told her because I felt like I no longer had to live this double life.

It is nice to hear that his recovery is so important to you. It is the same with my girlfriend and knowing that helped so much. Part of me still feels like she blames me for it and that bothers me a lot. Addiction is a slippery slope and it's very easy to not fully realize what you are doing to yourself. The drugs/whatever trick your brain into thinking your world is fine until often it is too late. 6 months is a relatively short time frame so you and him are lucky that he was able to stop at this point.

You also let him know that abstaining from all mind altering substances is important to get healthy quicker because we need to re-wire the way we deal with our problems and the way we celebrate our successes. This includes alcohol but does not include nicotine or caffeine. For me alcohol almost became my "compensating factor". My body wasn't able to get what it wanted so this was the next best thing. He will likely be able to drink small amounts of alcohol safely (1-2 drinks) but I would highly recommend a prolonged period of nothing to speed the process and ensure there are no bumps.

The physical withdrawals will disappear over time. He is doing well for day 3. Keep at it and stay strong. Your stability is more important to him than you know. You will likely want to research PAWS as well however.

edit:

Here is a link about PAWS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-acute-withdrawal_syndrome

I once read that PAWS lasts 3-6 months. I think that because his abuse was so shortlived you will likely see it much sooner and it will last much less time. He will likely start going through it soon.

edit again:

Just wanted to touch on the stability thing again. I understand that you are probably going through hell. But whatever you are going through, he is going through it 10x worse. You need to be there for him. I would highly recommend not criticizing, not nagging, not blaming him, etc. Trust me he knows what he has done or else he wouldn't be trying to quit. You sound like you aren't doing these things but I just wanted to mention it.

edit once more:

Some people use drugs as a coping mechanism. These emotions will come up later. Since he used drugs to mask grief, you should be prepared to deal with some serious emotional behaviour.

Good luck and stay strong.

 

[herbavore]

I'm really sorry to hear what both of you are going through. Is your boyfriend getting any help with quitting? It would probably be a really good idea for him to get some support for when the cravings are so strong.

What kind of support do you have for yourself? This is going to be stressful and having to hide it from close friends or family can make it even harder. Do you have people that you can confide in?

 

[justhopeful]

Your responses were so encouraging, I appreciate just hearing from people on the site.

Unfortunately since his decision to get clean, we've had a couple relapses. It seems each time he goes through the withdrawals his reaction gets worse and worse. The panic attacks have gotten so intense that we will have to pull over to the side of the road or seclude ourselves in a public place until he feels okay. Watching him experience more and more grief over the loss of his mother each time he gets clean is also heartbreaking.

This last relapse and then crash have been so hard. He is violent and angry. He explodes at everything I say. He has become paranoid. Nothing I do is good enough and at times I am beginning to feel hopeless. My own emotions and pain are beginning to feel unbearable, it's gotten difficult to just keep myself together because I am consumed by worry. None of my friends and family know that he has been using so I don't have anyone to talk but I schedule him for meetings with his therapist and make sure he gets there when his emotions get out of control.

I am beginning to believe that maybe his claim to be getting clean was really just an attempt to make me feel better about his drug use. In no way am I considering leaving him, especially not now. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting more and more dim. Not sure if this warrants a response or if I am just venting. Regardless, I appreciate you reading this.

 

[bloodshed344]

Your responses were so encouraging, I appreciate just hearing from people on the site.

Unfortunately since his decision to get clean, we've had a couple relapses. It seems each time he goes through the withdrawals his reaction gets worse and worse. The panic attacks have gotten so intense that we will have to pull over to the side of the road or seclude ourselves in a public place until he feels okay. Watching him experience more and more grief over the loss of his mother each time he gets clean is also heartbreaking.

This last relapse and then crash have been so hard. He is violent and angry. He explodes at everything I say. He has become paranoid. Nothing I do is good enough and at times I am beginning to feel hopeless. My own emotions and pain are beginning to feel unbearable, it's gotten difficult to just keep myself together because I am consumed by worry. None of my friends and family know that he has been using so I don't have anyone to talk but I schedule him for meetings with his therapist and make sure he gets there when his emotions get out of control.

I am beginning to believe that maybe his claim to be getting clean was really just an attempt to make me feel better about his drug use. In no way am I considering leaving him, especially not now. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting more and more dim. Not sure if this warrants a response or if I am just venting. Regardless, I appreciate you reading this.

He is using very high quantities and probably going for long periods without sleep. He needs to be fixed or you need to be out.

 

[GenericName12]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that.

Side note... the addict brain is powerful and manipulative. My first thought when reading this was "Oh this guy relapsed and his girlfriend is sticking with him through it all very committed, therefore if I relapse it's ok." Clearly this is not a good thought to be having. I am now pushing that thought out of my brain.

Have you tried therapy for yourself? You could also look into groups such as Al-anon (basically AA for the family of addicts). While they say the meetings are for families of alcoholics, there will be many in your situation as well. AA is accepting of drug users as well, so Al-anon should be the same. It could provide some relief and some answers. Addictions when you go deep down are so similar.

If he is continuing to relapse, now is the time to focus on yourself. I'm not saying a breakup is necessarily the answer but consider your options.

 

[stardust.hero]

I am beginning to believe that maybe his claim to be getting clean was really just an attempt to make me feel better about his drug use. In no way am I considering leaving him, especially not now. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting more and more dim. Not sure if this warrants a response or if I am just venting. Regardless, I appreciate you reading this.

It most certainly deserves it's own thread. This is a very important topic to many and important for you. you need a place to vent. We are here for that too .

I am so sorry to hear that the recent relapses have been getting worse.

He is using very high quantities and probably going for long periods without sleep. He needs to be fixed or you need to be out.

as bloodshed mentioned, the paranoia can be caused by him still using. He should be able to rationally think after 3 days of being sober. Paranoia as you mention should not be occurring to that degree. I'm not saying he's guilty or using but don't always be too and naive and trusting. Drug users are drug users.. They will sometimes do whatever they have to do to do and get their drugs. Including hurting, lying, stealing, etc, from the ones they love the most. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you..but it does mean he needs help. Maybe you can and maybe you can't help him.

You need to take care of yourself. I can't talk of experience about meth but I can talk from experience about allowing other peoples grief, anxiety, and problems compound onto myself. That is a very dangerous and harmful to you. It sounds like you are fighting a very tough battle. Please keep your own sanity and know there is only so much you can do.

The death of his mother is not your fault, nor is his meth usage. I can understand using to mask the grief but I can also see your side and the pain he is putting you through as you try to help him.

YOU always come first. Don't let him drag you down until there are two sad hopeless people sitting in a lonely house.

Please keep us updated love on how you are feeling and how things are going.

 

[Jeneva27]

How are you?? I've been going through the same. He was/is using meth for our whole relationship on and off behind my back (3 years) He has been honest about it and wanting to quit and get help this past year, but he always goes back to using at some point, when I least expect it but I always catch the signs, then I confront him, he's vaugely not denying but not admitting, then stops, goes through crazy paranoia, anger and withdrawal until a few days then he's the closest to "himself" and we're happy until it starts again. He gets clean for maybe a month now but then starts up again and the crazy cycle starts over. I'm at my wits end.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Much love. I am sorry to hear about the loss of his mother. That is very tragic.

I also have horrible nightmares. Have been on again / off again with it this year. Off again leaves me with a lot of horrible nightmares.

 

[Vaya]

I, too, have been if the position of the drug abuser. That aching want for the other to be able to understand, I remember this feeling so well that it still hurts.

GenericName is exactly right - the addictive brain is a highly powerful and manipulative thing. It is so, to a frightening extent. You are very brave for having endured the inevitably horrifying effects of someone withdrawaling from methamphetamine. Behaviorally, this drug is a nasty one to come off of. It really is - for both the user and his/her loved ones. stardust makes an excellent point when emphasizing taking care of yourself. Remember that you can jot commandeer his recovery - ONLY he can do this. I certainly benefitted from the embrace of the lived ones in my life when struggling and thrashing against the throes of drug addiction. I can never forget, however, the pain and misery my struggle caused them, leading to our separations. Addiction has certainly been what one might call the bane of my existence, and though I never got violent during periods of abstinence, as an addict I always possess some type of fodder with which I end up irreparably hurting some one else.

My point is, keep yourself at the forefront of the picture and know when it may be time to get out of the relationship. If he doesn't want to be sober sincerely, he will continue to relapse. Part of me fears for the instance where his anger is directed at you, and not objects in your apartment.

Stay in touch!

~ Vaya

 

[Hereigoagain]

What you are going through is terrible I know how you feel. 5 years ago my cousin(we were basically raised almost as sisters) decided to get clean from a 15 year meth addiction.

I'm struggling myself with a TERRIBLE opiate addiction, however what I lived through with my cousins addiction was more traumatic in a sense. For 10 years after she started using she tried to stay clean with short periods of success. Each time she went back it got worse.

During her struggle most of our family threw their hands up in the air after she burnt bridge after bridge(she stole their cars, electronics, money) she would always tell me she wanted to quit and hated being a "dirty junkie" but right back to the drugs she flew.

2005 I believe was her reckoning. We both were pregnant at the same time, me with my first, her with her third. She went into premature labor after going on a binge post 45 days clean, this sent her into labor and she had a child within 2 hours. The drs didn't even have time to do an epidural, you see as a meth addict she waited 6 months until she couldn't deny it anymore to admit(I already knew) she was pregnant yet again. The baby's father was a meth cook and she didnt want him to be able to get his hands on the baby.

The baby was born addicted to methamphetamine but other than that perfectly healthy(largest ears I've ever seen on a baby) at this point she lost custody of all three children to the state. Fast forward 3 months and tens of thousands of dollars later my aunt and uncle won custody of the children under a foster program. The terms were she was to clean up, test neg for drugs and maintain a job and she could have her children back.

I was sooooo excited! She was finally doing it! Months of clean time with weekend binges instead of the opposite! Very few late night (2am) visits with strange dirty looking men. In 2008 she got engaged to her 2nd child's father, got married, probably used 4 months out if 12. You see she was medicating herself I believe, the end of 2008 she vowed NEVER to touch it again.

January 2009 she DID IT!! No drugs whatsoever for a whole month. Well now she has this underlying depression to deal with. They say she's bipolar. She starts taking medication for that called lamictol. From that day she went downhill fast. She acquired Stevens Johnson syndrome from this medication.

For three months we spent most of that in the hospital while her skin burnt from the inside out. On may 18th 2009, I held her hand as she took her last breath as this disease burnt her alive...

Just giving you an insight on HOW POWERFUL this addiction is. When not using you would NEVER know she had the ability to do the things she did to medicate herself..

I wish you nothing but the very BEST outcome. All you can do is love them. They have to be ready to quit to even attempt it.

 

[caseface99]

This thread made me cry. Something that I haven't done in 5 months.

made me think about some of my own wreckage, which I usually try to push out of my thoughts unless I'm doing step work with my sponsor.


I think the original post just hit me so hard here because I have put a girl I love that I was with at the time through the exact same pain and misery, only difference was I was withdrawing from and relapsing on heroin (and some crack). However I would go through the same range of emotions and behavior that it sounds like this guy was exhibiting, and just reading about it from her perspective, the perspective of my ex in my situation, was a lot for me. I've never really thought about it from her perspective before. I know this thread was posted a while ago, but if the OP reads this, THANK YOU. You have shown me a new light and perspective on things by reaching out here and sharing your experience. This has helped me process some things, and it's kind of a god shot that I'm reading this now because I'll be starting my 8th step this week, making an amends list, And my ex is at the top of the list.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Stevens-Johnson syndrome is a harsh deal in life. I am sorry to hear about her suffering.