coke user come in ,please

[jolinda]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. And we are going to divorced now.
My question is if you are married and use coke over 10 years, do you wish your wife leave you? Or don't really care about it.
If there are anything I can do to save this marriage, I think I still love him, I don't want him die one day because of coke. My husband has bad healthy, and always paranoia, we are seperately sleeping. and he locked bedroom door and other rooms. He said a few times I want to poison him. I was so sad. When I got angry and serious, he said he was joking. I tried to make a warm home and I was thinking if we get a baby, maybe he will change. But I was wrong. This year, he told me he already took drug for a long time and he want to quit and have a baby with me. But he didn't keep his word. And he is keeping use drugs. When I heard his nose itche,cleaning his nose very often,and the tissue with blood, I knew he take drug one more time, then I disappointed one more time.
What should I do? Please give me some advise. My friends said it is difficult to quit after somebody used so many years. But I think there will be some solution.please help me.
Thank you in advance

 

[stardust.hero]

First off, jolina, welcome, I'm happy you've found our support section and I hope we can help you find peace and some answers. .

Your husband is the user? Not yourself? How long have you two been together? Do you know how often he uses?

 

[jolinda]

Hi,stardust.
He is the user, I don't use it. We have been together almost 8 years. Before he said he doesn't want me to leave. he said he is used to be with me . He said he wants to quit.
I guess he uses coke once or twice a week. When he is in Spain, I guess he will use more.

 

[jolinda]

Thank you

 

[thedawn]

I don't know your situation,but speaking as a drug addict,you might want to
leave before it gets even worse.don't let anyone else drag you down with them.
it's not worth it.
us addicts,when in active addiction,uses people till they are used up.
then we find someone else.or do something crazy.
coke turned to crack for me and I hurt those I loved real bad.
you are worth more than being a coke addicts wife.

 

[herbavore]

Jolinda, I am so sorry. Your husband is addicted and he first needs to decide if he is ready to quit. If he is not, then your choice is unfortunately clear. You need to take your child and leave. If your husband is ready and willing to get help, then you have different choices to make. The most important thing for you to realize is that it is up to you to set very clear boundaries to protect you and your child. Your husband may love you very very much and still not be able to stop. This is the nature of addiction. You do not have to stop caring for your husband or feeling love for him but you can support him best by taking care of yourself. It is also important to know that while your husband's addiction may prevent him from being the father he wants to be that you are free to be the mother you want to be for your child. Your child's welfare should always come first.

This forum has provided support to many family members going through what you are going through. Don't be discouraged. You can always come here for support and your husband can, too. The best thing you can do for him is to not get drawn into the madness with him.

 

[stardust.hero]

as Herbavore said you need to take yours and your child's welfare first. It doesn't mean you don't love him and he doesn't love you.addiction can form a brick wall between relationships that not even the strongest love can penetrate sometimes.

Take care of yourself.

 

[jolinda]

Thank you. Thedawn.I think he already build up a wall between us.
He locks the bedroom door before sleeping. He is scared I will kill him when he sleeping. He is afraid I poison him in the food. I don't know if these are caused by cocaine. He starts get paranoid. As you said he likes to do crazy things. He hangs out with motorbike gangs, don't really like to go to work. After taking drugs, the next day he will call sick and sleeping at home.
We didn't have child yet. I don't know if the baby will be damaged by coke. I asked him to do a sperm test. But he didn't really want to go. Anyway, I am desperate at the moment. If he needs me, I will surpport him to quit addiction. It also seems he doesn't need me anymore.

 

[jolinda]

Jolinda, I am so sorry. Your husband is addicted and he first needs to decide if he is ready to quit. If he is not, then your choice is unfortunately clear. You need to take your child and leave. If your husband is ready and willing to get help, then you have different choices to make. The most important thing for you to realize is that it is up to you to set very clear boundaries to protect you and your child. Your husband may love you very very much and still not be able to stop. This is the nature of addiction. You do not have to stop caring for your husband or feeling love for him but you can support him best by taking care of yourself. It is also important to know that while your husband's addiction may prevent him from being the father he wants to be that you are free to be the mother you want to be for your child. Your child's welfare should always come first.

This forum has provided support to many family members going through what you are going through. Don't be discouraged. You can always come here for support and your husband can, too. The best thing you can do for him is to not get drawn into the madness with him.

Thank you,herbavore.
I think his love to me is less than before。 We hurted each other during divorcing. I tried to save this marriage,but he doesn't want this anymore. He said it is all my fault. I think i couldn't leave him alone. i couldn't calm down when I catch him doing drugs. I was disappointed and my temper is also getting worse and worse. finally he beats me up when i cant shut up and I called the police. He said finished. Yes, I still love him. If I don't love him, just watching him to die. Nodody cares about he is drug addict or not. His parents and sister are far away from him. Even they knew the fact, they still didn't say anything. They gave up. But I think I am too weak to change all of this. But I still don't want to give up on him.
I tried to care about him, he refused. I want to talk with him one more time,but I don't know how to start.
Anyway, thank you for your help.

 

[missmeyet?]

honey, you love him but it is never ok for him to hit you or abuse you no matter how angry he says you have made him. You did the right thing to call police. Sometimes when someone is using drugs for a long time it takes an occurence like this to get their attention, sometimes nothing will get their attention.

There is probably nothing you can say to him that will change his mind. Right now he is putting the drugs before you. I understand that you care and don't want to see him harm himself but only he can decide when he will quit. You must take care of yourself because he is not going to. Some people have to hit the very bottom before they can turn things around and climb back up when it comes to drug use. The sad thing is some people never do. If it has gotten to physical violence you should leave now. He knows how you feel about the drugs already and he responded with violence. He probably does care for you but he cares more for the drug right now than anything else. Move on with a new life. If you don't things will probably get much worse. One day you will look back and wish you had left now.

Also, be thankful that there is not a child yet that also has to deal with these issues. You will find someone who will be excited to have children with you and you and these children will be the things he loves more than anything in this world (not drugs). A man who puts his family before everything and will feel pride in going to a job and and knowing he is taking care of his family. Trust me, it is such a better experience like that than to have a baby with someone who doesn't care with all of their heart. I have experienced it both ways and there is no comparison.

 

[stardust.hero]

Thank you. Thedawn.I think he already build up a wall between us.
He locks the bedroom door before sleeping. He is scared I will kill him when he sleeping. He is afraid I poison him in the food. I don't know if these are caused by cocaine. He starts get paranoid. As you said he likes to do crazy things. He hangs out with motorbike gangs, don't really like to go to work. After taking drugs, the next day he will call sick and sleeping at home.
We didn't have child yet. I don't know if the baby will be damaged by coke. I asked him to do a sperm test. But he didn't really want to go. Anyway, I am desperate at the moment. If he needs me, I will surpport him to quit addiction. It also seems he doesn't need me anymore.

It sounds like you are at the butt end of his addiction. I wish you the best. Take care of YOURSELF. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.