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TDS Debt, Rehab, Heroin Addiction after Graduating College

Get2Think

Get2Think

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2012
Messages
297
Location
The West
Any other college graduates feeling remorse? I spent my last quarter at UCSB high out of my mind on black tar and spent thousands of dollars. I also got a 2nd dui which I'm trying to fight. My heroin dealer lives far away and I keep telling myself it's time to grow up, and at least I have some painting work putting much needed cash into my pocket but I'm afraid I'm going to say "oh fuck it, its hopeless, I should just go get some H I'm screwed anyways." I don't see a way out of my problems. I have a lot too loose and because of all my issues like debt, rehab, and an addiction to H and the needle I haven't been able to even really be happy with myself for graduating. I'm unhappy all the time and dream about the future just to get my mind off of the present. Oh well, thanks for letting me get that stuff off my chest, once again I'm out of heroin and back facing the real world. Also I'm running out of klonnopin which is somewhat frightening. Lifes just been unmanageable and I don't see tje light at the end of the tunnel. Any comments or opinions would help. thanks.

p.s. I really dont want to go to rehab but making it financiallly in this part of california puts my balls in a grinder. I guess its work work work from here on out, schools out :(
 
Hell yeah nice job graduating no matter what happens no one can ever take that away from you! Life can get better maybe try maintenanxe if you dont wanna do rehab again? Suboxone has made my life 100 times better.
 
Dude you can do suboxone to ease the withdrawals, but you should first learn about it, maybe even see a doctor so you can get the right dosage. I can get by pretty well on only 2mg of suboxone, I snort it and I am "normal" for around 12 hours. And after 12 hours it starts to wear off but you are still not near that second-day withdrawal shit. But, of course, you can get addicted to it (as I have), and that is seriously something you don´t want to get yourself into. But if you use, say, every other day or something like that you can get off herion. This is, for me, the best and the cheapest option to get off heroin or any other drug.
 
from your posts I can tell college means a lot to you.
on suboxone you can fulfill your dreams while NOT HAVING to
use your time buying and using tar.
it's a good deal.
 
G2T <3 I'm so sorry to hear about your relapse. When we talked a months (or two) ago things were really looking up for you. You can get back to that point. I know you have it in you. Remember all of the advice you gave me. Don't make the same mistakes and just move forward. You have it in you, do succumb or believe you are going to fail until you do.

Congratulations on graduating. That's such a huge accomplishment! You should be feeling super pleased with yourself. Don't let opiates cloud your mind and make this happy time a time of misery. Puck yourself back up man <3.
 
Thanks for the encouragement and congrats from all you guys. I haven't been able to enjoy my graduation or any of that due to addiction, it's just consumed my life. And I guess the part I'm really struggling with is going from sitting in a classroom full of attractive young women to painting, digging ditches, and whatever else I can do to make a buck. I'm so in the red financially it feels like I'm screwed for years. I guess I'm lazy, and I still don't get what motivates people to work 40+ hours a week. I hate work! But I guess it's reality + the difficulties of having addiction = a very mood swingy scared 28 man-child. Anyways, I am thankful I have some work even though it's all labor and I hate that shit. But hey, positive thinking right?
 
Starting over at sobriety is so hard, and when heroin has a 95% rellapse rate it's hard to get motivated when a year from now you might just throw everything away and rellapse again. See what I mean? Super discouraging...
 
I understand how hard it is, believe me. Im on mmt myself, tapering. But I really think you shouldnt put too much faith in statistics. Believe in yourself. Yes heroin addiction has a high relapse rate but whether you relapse or not is ultimately up to you, nothing else. You never have to use again, its all about the choices you make. I know its fucking hard but its most definitely worth it. Strength is a choice.
 
i've known plenty of people that messed up during or after college because of prescription opiates or heroin shit happens just try your best to quit so you can make a good life for yourself
 
Get2Think said:
Starting over at sobriety is so hard, and when heroin has a 95% rellapse rate it's hard to get motivated when a year from now you might just throw everything away and rellapse again. See what I mean? Super discouraging...
Click to expand...

Maybe one of those times you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel and get through. It's always worth the fight. It's either fight or die.
 
I didn't know there was anyone else like me out there. I'm not attending the same university, but I've been attending college for the past 4 years and I've been addicted to heroin for at least two. I relapsed after I had a flare up in an old back injury. I broke my back in two places and I have a lot of pain when it gets inflamed and pushes up against the sciatic nerve. I let the pain be my excuse to use again. I didn't feel remorse when I received my AA, but I do feel a lot of shame on a daily basis. I'm disappointed with myself because I know I should be putting more effort into my work and be more involved in groups on campus. I've been able to hold onto a 3.75 gpa, but I don't feel I deserve it because I could be doing more. I've been on methadone, but the only thing it really does is help me continue to function normally. I want off this sh*t, but mostly I just want to want to be off it. If I could get to that point I think I could be done with this mess I'm in.
 
It happens to plenty of people man, college happens at a really stressful time of life, when a lot of diseases pop up as well which makes college even tougher. I had to take a break during college because of drugs as well, but I still graduated in 8 semesters. Now I'm in the same boat as you, and yeah southern ca is a tough place to start a career, but at least you have that piece of paper that says you made it. Even if you have to go to rehab that'll be a big help on the other side. But whatever you chose you just gotta jump into it, life is upon you.
 
its important to keep your dreams alive whether its starting a business/playing an instrument/playing in a band/drawing or painting etc etc

and do that in your free time, build upon it, until you can stop doing a job you hate and make a living out of doing something you love
 
I do relate to how you feel. I finished my master's degree two weeks ago. In a way, I feel like going back to uni to do my master's was a big avoidance strategy - a way to avoid this feeling - this, 'what now?' feeling. I've been trying to avoid the feeling that I'm too old, I've wasted too much time, I've fucked up too much and that I'll forever be lagging behind because I've wasted so much of my life in addiction. I don't know what to do next, how to find a job or whether I will - I suppose a lot of this is based in a huge fear that I just can't do it, and I never will. The fear is paralyzing and counter productive in that I waste my time procrastinating and try to avoid the feeling by doing more drugs. I'm trying to set goals - then break them down into small and manageable steps - spend just 45 mins today looking for jobs, for example (and yet here I am on BL, wasting more time!). I have actually started volunteering in my field and that has worked out much better than I thought. Just getting out there and working towards something has given me more positivity than I ever thought it would - and already I'm seeing some really promising possibilities coming out of it.

Get2Think said:
Starting over at sobriety is so hard, and when heroin has a 95% rellapse rate it's hard to get motivated when a year from now you might just throw everything away and rellapse again. See what I mean? Super discouraging...
Click to expand...

I wouldn't put too much weight on relapse rate figures. These studies aren't following every single person who has used heroin til the day the die, so it's really impossible to say accurately how many of these people end up getting clean or staying on smack. The figures tend to be gathered from biased population samples - such as people who are accessing formal treatment - and so exclude a huge portion of users. Furthermore, they're more likely to record the relapses as these are the people still in touch with treatment or back in rehab - those that stop using just go on their way and don't get counted.

Also, even if you did relapse after a year of being clean - I don't think that's the same as 'throwing everything away' and going right back to where you started from. It's like how counting days you've been clean can be counter productive - if you've got 30 days, then relapse and go back to day 1, it feels like you're back to the start - but you still have 30 days clean! Those days don't just disappear because you had a slip - they still happened, and all the knowledge and experience you gained through them remains. The same would happen if you did relapse after a year - you wouldn't be back to where you started from at all. You'd have a whole year clean, and that's something worthwhile.
 
you could go on methadone or subs and it would be a more safer/stable habit, but in the end its just switching one addiction for another and you aren't really "clean". you need to detox and go threw hell and you eventually will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But if you cant just jump off heroin then methadone/subs is a good step in the right direction.
 
2 things.

First is your klonopin use could potentially put you in a worse place than heroin use. Trust me on how horrific benzo withdrawals can be. Post acute can last foreverrrrr.

95% relapse rate for opiate addicts in their first year of recovery? Why did nobody send me a form to fill out? Nobody asked me if I relapsed or stayed clean..... And what constitutes a relapse? A full run? One or two uses in a year? Getting legit pain medicine in an emergency medical situation? Statistics are BULLSHIT. I went to rehab over a year ago and 7 of my buddies from there are clean and 2 used and are running. That's like a 18% relapse rate in MY personal experience. So fuck statistics. You've got this!!!!
 
I am also in Cali and got put on the PC 1000 drug diversion program and had to pass drug tests. After unsuccessfully trying to fool the test, i unwillingly forced myself on methadone. Was the best decision of my life and never expected it to work, it was kind of a fluke i was going to get off of it after the test but here i am a year later still goin strong and getting a weeks worth of takehomes. I highly reccommend giving it a try, cali has great, affordable clinics.

Look at the bright side, you HAVE A DEGREE. i got into dope while at Uni and never graduated and have <$30k in student loans with nothing to show for it. Im back in COMMUNITY college now which is nice but nothing like uni.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, what degree did you earn?

/edit: I just wanted to address the above poster saying methadone is a substitute addiction. It may well be, but at least my life is manageable now, unlike before while i was using. Within the year Ive been on methadone I have started working again and reenrolled in college. Yes it may be a substitute addiction but I dont know where Id be without it. Scratch that, I do know where Id be, Id still be using and stuck on that hamster wheel. I dont have to worry about being sick, copping, coming up with cash to score, needing a place to IV, etc. Just go into the clinic every Tuesday, get dispensed my 7 bottles and Im on my way. Methadone saved my life and I didnt even expect it to, I only got on it to past a drug test and realized how it actually works.

This is my experience only, and different things work for different people. I wont be on methadone forever, but im not stable enough to without it right now. But when the time comes my clinic will ween me off at a pace I agree to.
 
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