TDS literally standing on the edge

[psilocybin420]

I really am completely and totally terrified that I am going to end up taking my life. Its such a horrible feeling. I pray all the time that I can get over these feelings. I have tried and tried and tried. they continue to haunt me and its like a nightmare, me against myself. fucking awful

I had never thought of suicide until a bad acid trip on birthday 19--which triggered or exaggerated SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS. I hallucinate. I hear voices telling me to end everything. I just pray and pray that god will exist and if I die then I will find the relief that is LITERALLY DRIVING me over the edge.

Today a friend came over and I jump 10 feet high from just a knock on the door. i let my anxiety beet me and dove under my bed. hes a nice fellow that understands that have an illness. i feel so edgy edgy edgy. I hate this . I dont know how much longer I will last. I feel like a hopeless case, I have stuck things out for this long only to save pain on my family. that is the one and only reason. I hate this sick obsession with death that I CANNOT escape. I seriously have an amazing amount of sympathy for those who are thinking of have taken their lifes. I have compassion for the mentally ill.

Please help. This is literally my last hope.

Love from Daniel.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Hi Daniel,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going though. I know how hopeless it can feel.

Have you seen a doctor about your mental illness? Are you on any medications at the moment?

 

[Ozekat]

Hey man I know what traumatic experiences on psychedelics can be like.....I'm STILL integrating trips I had years ago.....the thing is that it SEEMS, anyway that life is just like that, sometimes it is so fuckin hard......and if it weren't we would never become strong. You have to believe in yourself, I bet you have a whole lot to offer the world that no one else can even touch. Because I believe each person does......not to come off sounding too mushy or whatever.

 

[Zerrr]

I had been having similar thoughts over the past year. My mother has been very good to me since I have been an adult and I just can't allow myself to put her through anymore pain.

Just think of how much you've made it through and the strength it took to get where you're. Why live this long just to put yourself and the people who care about you through something so traumatic? Suicide is an act of murder and from what I read it can be very difficult to accomplish.

Most suicides must be extremely impulsive. Once I realised I would have to murder someone most of suicidal ideation went away.
Your life can improve and considering how fast time goes it will end soon enough.

You really should ask someone for help immediately man. At least try to get better.

I wish you well

 

[spork]

I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way Daniel. It sounds like you're a very kind person who has unfortunately been through a lot.

Have you been exercising at all? I find that exercising can help quite a bit with anxiety and depression. Even if it's just a walk around the block, every little bit helps. Another thing you might want to consider doing is volunteering. Turn your compassion for those suffering with mental illness into an outlet in which you'll not only help other people, but you can also help yourself. I think you have a lot to offer this world. Please do your best to stay with us so you can make a difference.

 

[psilocybin420]

i can honestly say right now i am performing to the best of my abilities. I dont want to die. I dont think suicidal people want to die. they are seeking a form of release from pain. Most are suffering with a serious emotional/mental disorder. its very unfortunate.

Yes i exercise. I take my dog for a 3 mile walk every day. Sometimes i do yoga at home, which i might do after this. I take clonazepam for severe HPPD/Dp and dont know what i would do without it. It calms the people in my mind, makes it not so intense. Luckily im not feeling as edgy as I did when I wrote this post. It can get severely bad. I have struggled with homelessness, extreme lonliness, depression that hurts so bad its not even funny-- why all this pain.

Then i start thinking about god and why he lets the world suffer like it does. my mind and personality are fractured from the acid (10plus hits) and I was sober at the time, not even smoking weed. God sometimes i really dispise old friends, how they know how hard you are trying for sobriety and they come along like the devil and you end up fucking up. I love my stoner friends but cannot hang out with them. They have put severe peer pressure on me and drugs are not fun for me. weed havent smoked for 5 years tried once after the acid sent me into some kind of crazy trip. I kept walking around thinking i was on PCP.

I am picking up the piano which is my main and only outlet atm. Its really nice to play peaceful music. Im working towards finding my higher power because ending my existence goes against everything I have ever been taught--to respect life to its fullest even if I have these challenges that feel insanely overwhelming time and time again. It gets to the point of severe distress, not eustress (the healthy stress) I get irrational thinking and cannot focus. It eats at my brain like a cancer.

I really apprieciate everyones concern and replys. Its nice that you reached out to me. I really really really deep from the heart wish you well.

today you are you that is truer that true, there's no one alive that is youer that you - dr seuss

 

[herbavore]

i can honestly say right now i am performing to the best of my abilities. I dont want to die. I dont think suicidal people want to die. they are seeking a form of release from pain. Most are suffering with a serious emotional/mental disorder. its very unfortunate.

There is so much truth in this.


Here is a man that has suffered from and healed from extreme states, schizophrenia and now has found peace and is helping others; in particular he is looking at other ways of seeing suicidal ideation and desire. He has some writing about it in PDF form that you can read here.

Living with and healing from extreme states is possible but the current psychiatric norms are not necessarily aligned with this. There is a strong movement within psychiatry to address the inadequacies new norms of masking/numbing medications as well as the idea that you can never heal from these states.

I am truly sorry for not only what you are experiencing but the paucity of help available. It is out there but it is awfully hard to find when you are overwhelmed with fear. One bright spot is the amount of free mindfulness resources on the web. Mindfulness has helped more with panic attacks and anxiety than anything. I also wanted you to know that I struggled with hearing voices in my twenties. Whether or not this was related to psychedelics I cannot say but the bottom line is that it was a brief period of my life, I am now nearly sixty and this has never recurred. I hope this can at least give you some hope for your future.

Playing the piano is a fantastic therapy. Art of any kind is. Art embraces the dark side as well as the light and everything in between. As Thomas Merton says, Art is where you can lose yourself and find yourself simultaneously.

please know that so many people here know what you are going through and care about your suffering and your peace.