Thought provoking posting right there. I'm currently in that crazy "Let's be Terrence McKenna"-phase right now so this post definitely gives me some outlook and the idea that it might be better to reconsider my tripping behavior just got some solid arguments. A question though, how do you know that you're not integrating properly? How do you even integrate properly? A lot of this stuff is sub-conscious or it has been in my experience
Let's first refresh some memories, shall we?
Our ego / identity is crafted when we are young by our upbringing, guided by our parents and society and shaped by our learning experiences. We are told what we are and what we are not and we also draw conclusions from experiences that result in an image that is largely fixed. We attach to that image and confuse ourselves with it, even if the convictions held in it can hold us back.
When you are in a sort of recon phase with psychedelics, which typically lasts a long time, the impact of having your ego softened and all sorts of boundaries becoming blurry, is considerable. After or better said 'in between' trips we return to daily life armed with this ego that is gradually blurring into uncertainty. I don't think that it is all rather sub-conscious but quite the opposite: the effect is so pervasive that it meddles with our perspective because it is actually our perspective that is changing. It is very hard to see something if you cannot take a step back from it.
So what does it mean not to integrate at a proper pace, i.e. compared to the pace at which you are tripping and redefining all sorts of relationships within the image of reality and yourself that you are rendering?
Kazimierz Dabrowski says that even without psychedelics people often become entangled in processes he calls positive desintegration. The process is a cyclus of first breaking something (desintegration), then rearranging it (I might call it a natural form of defragmenting), and restoring it in a reborn quality. Apparently it happens more often in gifted people because they go through mental processes more quickly, and so they do in their personal development.
It is obvious that psychedelics catalyze the process of breaking your preconceptions and dissolving them.
So the best answer I can give you is that the symptoms are that of someone who feels like parts of himself or what he perceives to be his world are particularly uncertain or amorphous. Recall my description of my existential crisis: I was redefining so much of myself and my life by questioning it and no longer regarding the previously known answers as a fixed state that it was virtually impossible to live my life. I really needed to complete the third stage of the process, otherwise there was no sense of self to feel at home in that life, to make choices naturally and to understand my place implicitly and completely.
I understand that this can be hard to recognise if it is not as dire, but you might be able to test yourself by trying to operate your perspective. If after a trip you are able to put into perspective where you are 'coming from', where you are and where you are going in your life, what things generally mean to you that are going on in your life and that you consider to be a vital part of how you see yourself it would seem that proper integration is taking place. These are key questions so general and essential that we don't tend to ask them, even if things are going awry.
This is yet complicated even more because adolescence is a stage in your life where these things are natural. A higher frequency of positive desintegration cycles I guess you could call it.
You will need to take that into account as well, and consider it in how your perspective is taking shape. Maybe compare it to how you used to feel about the matter when things felt pretty clear and sure.
No one else can answer this
for you concretely I'm afraid. And you don't have to worry if you suddenly realize you are in the middle of something, in the middle of it all. That may be natural, but too much is too much. Just take a look at yourself every now and again, and see how a trip makes a difference. Or not.
Alright... now understand that I don't take this casually by any means, but from your angle what does one have to lose by trying iboga? Is treating the whole experience with awe and respect and proper rituals, but without an active guide (only having a sitter present) enough in your opinion?
