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Crowd control at public theaters: what to say to shut them up without a fight?

P

psood0nym

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My girlfriend and I went to go see “Star Trek: Into Darkness” the other night, and a couple of rows behind us, throughout the showing, an insensate baboon troop of high schoolers were narrating their thoughts out loud. It was too late to move, they didn’t catch the shut-the-fuck-up glare I threw over my shoulder, and I wasn’t about to say something that might result in a public scene or movie-ruining ruminations distracting me, so I endured it. But I didn’t like it.

So now I’m petitioning Bluelight:

What are every bodies’ previously successfully deployed crowd control tactics? I prefer quick quips that crack like an animal trainer’s whip. It’s nice if they humiliate the offenders, though it’s probably best if they’re semi-respectful with no vulgarity so no one gets shot in the parking lot.

Years ago, at “28 Days Later,” I got so annoyed with a raucous group that I said: “This isn’t your living room you thoughtless morons!” But then I was bothered by concerns I would be beat up because I was alone. It did work though.
 
Leave and go to customer service for a refund of your ticket. I've never had a problem in a long time. I think the trick is to go during the day and you avoid crowds and hassles.

I've seen veiled threats work and harsh language.
 
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Personally, I always sit at the very top. That way, there's no danger of anyone sitting behind me. Also, I prefer to go to the movies during the day when there are less people. And lastly, I avoid Fridays and Saturdays like the plague. Those are the two worst days to go to the theater, since that's when the loudmouth teens prefer to go.

When in doubt, shout, "Shut the fuck up!" in your deepest black man voice. If the offending loudmouths are actually black, ignore this advice. That would most likely lead to a, "Who the fuck said that?!" situation, in which whomever is sitting around you will rat you out to save their own ass. In this case, either complain to the manager and let them handle it or man up and politely ask them to be quiet.

If it's a situation where someone is texting every five minutes, here's a trick I've tried a couple of times. I take out my phone and either lean up right next to their head or go to their seat, depending on where they're sitting. Then I proceed to play with my phone, making sure the light is right in their face. I act oblivious for a few seconds and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you? I didn't think it would since you were texting too." I don't even try to be polite to people texting, because if the 20 messages that play before the movie telling you to turn your phone off before the movie starts don't clue them in, nothing will. Besides, no one with an IQ higher than 50 needs that message. Everyone knows that light shines in darkness. You learn that before you even start talking.

I hate, hate, HATE cell phones and how they have all but ruined the movie going experience.
 
I prefer not to goto the cinemas anymore and am used to a much smaller screen size and much less loud sound (in my house). I also am used to no one annoying the fuck out of my experience.
 
I don't know why theaters don't just install cheap web cams that look out over the audience live and can be fed through the projector. That way after they project the "silence cell phones now" screen

silence-cell-phone-theater.jpg


... they could just feed through the cam footage

mig


... and it would be like holding up a big social judgment conveying, self-awareness amplifying mirror that says "Yeah YOU right THERE mother fucker we can ALL see what you're doing right NOW!" I'm certain that would be more effective than the current friendly reminder campaign, plus it would add a dimension of audience interaction. Somebody make a Bluelight account and PM me to offer me this job. Check my post history. It's just occasional psychedelics -- otherwise I'm clean!
 
Complain to management/customer service. Demand a refund, and make sure to sound upset. Three possible things will happen: you'll get a refund, the offenders will be warned or (as I've seen happen) be kicked out completely, or the theater will offer you tickets to another show. At least one of those things will likely happen, but depending on the management, you might even hit the tri-fecta.
 
MrGrunge said:
Complain to management/customer service. Demand a refund, and make sure to sound upset. Three possible things will happen: you'll get a refund, the offenders will be warned or (as I've seen happen) be kicked out completely, or the theater will offer you tickets to another show. At least one of those things will likely happen, but depending on the management, you might even hit the tri-fecta.
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Plus, if enough people complain to management when these things happen, theaters will crack down harder on loud mouths and texters. I heard a rumor that theaters don't like losing money.
 
Due to the nature of the situation it will most likely be some kind of confrontation, verbal or otherwise. So the suggestions of going to the theatre mgmt is the best way to avoid confrontation. Unless you are armed or a big guy or with some friends who can back you up, prolly not a good idea to start yelling at noisemakers. Good suggestions about off times. I also look for out of the way places instead of the one that eveyone else goes!
 
jpgrdnr said:
Leave and go to customer service for a refund of your ticket. I've never had a problem in a long time. I think the trick is to go during the day and you avoid crowds and hassles.
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This.

MrGrunge said:
Complain to management/customer service. Demand a refund, and make sure to sound upset. Three possible things will happen: you'll get a refund, the offenders will be warned or (as I've seen happen) be kicked out completely, or the theater will offer you tickets to another show. At least one of those things will likely happen, but depending on the management, you might even hit the tri-fecta.
Click to expand...

For sure this too.

23536 said:
drink multiple ounces of hard liquor and the answer will come to you
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Maybe this if I was younger and a violent drunk but I never was so I'd likely just get fuzzy and fall asleep in the theater seat.
 
Man, you shouldn't give them a 'shut the fuck up' glare, you actually need to scream in a very disturbing voice: 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'.

I remember during Batman Begins some very incensed and ominous man, obscured by darkness, screamed exactly that at some obnoxious kids. Worked very well. As well as being terrifying for the rest of us.
 
If they're stupid High Schoolers tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Stand up, look directly at them and say it.

If you're far away walk up to em, it'll shut them up alright.

If it's a drunken oaf well then you should talk to someone who works at the theater.

You paid probably $10 a pop to see the movie and you shouldn't let some assholes ruin that.
 
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