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Starting as friends?

Lustmord

Lustmord

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 14, 2008
Messages
907
Location
California
So I've been talking to this girl as of late.. Mutual flirting, similar tastes. Conversations flow smoothly and she is fun to talk to.. and she's FINE AS FUCK. (Total step up from the ex, which makes me feel great, haha.)

ANYWAYS, both she and I coincidentally got out of huge relationships at the start of this year. I have been so wary with every girl that I have been talking to/going out with, and have pretty much just pushed them all away, but she just seems natural if that makes sense. Well, she is also incredibly wary, and says that she would rather start as friends and see how it goes -- and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. And I mean, she doesn't even want a first date, she just wants to hang out.

I don't know how to handle this. I used to be awful with girls and got friend zoned a lot, but this isn't it. She just seems super defensive -- how do I get her to let down her guard for me?
 
as hard as its going to be and trust me it will you have to try your best to over turn that, going the start off as friend option, personally I would pass on that or try to do as I stated, who know if some one else might try to come along :sus:
 
Mmh. This isn't really going to answer your question but it's my impression that you've sort of been jumping from girl to girl lately? It's just that people tend to do that when getting out of long-term relationships/painful break-ups but in my own experience and from what I've seen with my friends, it's always incredibly counterproductive. The best you can do to get over your ex is to take some time alone and learn to enjoy your own company rather than always needing someone there with you. I know it's not what you're asking here but I'm afraid you're just hurting yourself more.
But to answer your question, just don't try to get her defenses down...her idea is a good one, take things slow, see how it goes. If the two of you really do want to be together, it'll happen.
 
So take it slow. That's really what it is. Getting to know each other before jumping into dating right away. Don't try to kiss her right away. Like, normally after a first date, I'd suggest kissing the other person, but avoid that for a couple dates/hangouts. It's basically just taking things extra slow. If you do like her, just take it slow for a while, and then talk to her after a couple of your dates/hangouts and see where she's at, what she's thinking.
 
Pagey said:
Mmh. This isn't really going to answer your question but it's my impression that you've sort of been jumping from girl to girl lately? It's just that people tend to do that when getting out of long-term relationships/painful break-ups but in my own experience and from what I've seen with my friends, it's always incredibly counterproductive. The best you can do to get over your ex is to take some time alone and learn to enjoy your own company rather than always needing someone there with you. I know it's not what you're asking here but I'm afraid you're just hurting yourself more.
But to answer your question, just don't try to get her defenses down...her idea is a good one, take things slow, see how it goes. If the two of you really do want to be together, it'll happen.
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Yeah, I can see that. She feels different though, the others were just for the sake of being with them and not being alone. Or maybe my heart just wasn't working at the time. I dunno.

ANYWAYS, she told me she was interested in me when I brought it up. So yeah, we're just going to take it really slow. I definitely need that too, it would be a good change. I tend to just jump into relationships and go hard until they burn out and then I'd be miserable again.

She's "straightedge" too.. either that'll be good for me or it's going to cause some problems if I can't handle myself properly. When do I tell her that I've had problems with substances? x_x
 
Lustmord said:
Yeah, I can see that. She feels different though, the others were just for the sake of being with them and not being alone. Or maybe my heart just wasn't working at the time. I dunno.

ANYWAYS, she told me she was interested in me when I brought it up. So yeah, we're just going to take it really slow. I definitely need that too, it would be a good change. I tend to just jump into relationships and go hard until they burn out and then I'd be miserable again.

She's "straightedge" too.. either that'll be good for me or it's going to cause some problems if I can't handle myself properly. When do I tell her that I've had problems with substances? x_x
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Relationships should be based on trust, lying is only gonna bring you trouble, be honest with yourself and never change for anybody.
 
Hapomen22 said:
Relationships should be based on trust, lying is only gonna bring you trouble, be honest with yourself and never change for anybody.
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Oh, I don't plan on lying. She already knows that I am not straight edge -- she just doesn't know the extent, that I used to be/am still an addict. I stay out of trouble, all I do is drink and vape weed. Although I am tempted constantly, I don't indulge in hard drugs. (They say move away from your dealers and such, but mine is the internet. Haha.)

Anyways, that's all for a different forum..

Never change for anybody, but what if the change is for the better? She is a straight edge fitness kinda person, but also she's just my kind of alternative, and we are clicking really well. I'm trying real hard not to wreck this, as I could use more positive people in my life.. Haha. Maybe she could teach me how to be happy sober. =X
 
Id wait a bit to tell her your a straight up drug addict from experience. Their is nothing like a beatiful and clean woman. They are so much better than junkie chicks. Ive gone to church just to meet women. If you tell her your an addict to soon she may bolt. Id try to get her to have very strong feelings for me first and maybe wait till after you sleep with her a few times. In the end Id say I got some issues Im working on. If she gets bitchy give her "I didnt tell you my whole life story of the bat because we are just getting to know each other" excuse.

My advice may not be good. I dunno. I do get laid and into relationships rather easily. Ive only have one relationship last longer than six months until we started cheating on each other or just parted ways. To me it was no biggy as I just moved on to the next one. I usually flirt/converse with several women so I always have a back up plan.

I got really into this fine ass christian chick. Her parents where the holy roller type. I changed the way I dressed and cut my hair for this woman. She put up with my drug use at first until she just had to try them. Eventually she started using drugs and got really strung out. Now shes a prostitute and wont speak to me. Hell Id give her dope out of pity if she would let me apologize to her. Sorry tangent.

But yeah fuck I dunno. Just relating my experiences. Thats the best I can do in terms of advice. I dont know you or your latest gal pal. I do wish you luck.
 
"Friends first" isn't common, but it does happen. If she's defensive, though, that pretty much tells you what you need to know, IMO; I never trust relationships on the rebound, not even if it's me doing the looking.
 
Belisarius said:
"Friends first" isn't common, but it does happen. If she's defensive, though, that pretty much tells you what you need to know, IMO; I never trust relationships on the rebound, not even if it's me doing the looking.
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If I date a girl after shes broken up with someone I adress the rebound issue. I straight up say "If this is some rebound thing you might as well just go kick rocks."
 
Lustmord, rock with it mate!
Don't hurry to tell her what you do , but show interest in her activities. (not so much that you make it obvious thats its all new to you)
Indeed, she may show you a clean life and you may rock with it...
Alternatively, you may reach a happy medium, like she may indulge from time to time, and you are able to restrict your usage cos you are having a fat time doing life stuff.
Good luck with it!
Please update to let us know how it works!
 
Lustmord said:
Yeah, I can see that. She feels different though, the others were just for the sake of being with them and not being alone. Or maybe my heart just wasn't working at the time. I dunno.

ANYWAYS, she told me she was interested in me when I brought it up. So yeah, we're just going to take it really slow. I definitely need that too, it would be a good change. I tend to just jump into relationships and go hard until they burn out and then I'd be miserable again.

She's "straightedge" too.. either that'll be good for me or it's going to cause some problems if I can't handle myself properly. When do I tell her that I've had problems with substances? x_x
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Yeah, taking it slow sounds like a good plan. Give yourself time to really make proper sense of your feelings with her :)

And yes the matter of when to bring drug use/addiction up is a problem I've encountered as well and there's no miracle answer as far as I can tell, unfortunately...I find that the best solution is just to kinda drop hints here and there that you've used drugs in the past. Honestly with some people it's never a great idea to say it if you're still using...lying's not great but you also have to consider whether you actually have a problem with them, or whether she'll just immediately assume you do and turn it into one. I definitely wouldn't come out and tell her everything immediately.
 
If she does ask about drugs you have to tell her a bit about your habit. Honesty is important. Its just not to highlight your flaws and sadly indulging in drugs can be looked down upon. This is due to the social stigma and the few people that commit horrid crimes in the name of addiction. The reality is that drug addicts who commit nasty crimes like armed robbery probly dont need drugs to act that way.
 
You mentioned mutual flirting. As long as you let her know that you are interested in being more than a friend but don't mind taking things slowly and getting to know each other before things would get physical, then you are okay. She may decide to friend zone you in the long run, but by being honest and up front, you have not friend-zoned yourself by being too passive.

Alcohol is still the best social lubricant when it comes to breaking down defenses.
 
Lustmord said:
She's "straightedge" too.. either that'll be good for me or it's going to cause some problems if I can't handle myself properly. When do I tell her that I've had problems with substances? x_x
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So I met my boyfriend over three years ago. At the time, he used MDMA, ketamine, weed, GHB, and had dabbled in coke a bit. I thought weed was like devil. It took months before I found out the extend of what he did. At first, he explained to me a bit about weed, before saying anything else. Kind of brought it on me slowly... so that I wasn't too freaked out. If I had known what he was doing when I first started seeing him, I would have ended it right away, I was so closed minded at that point. I know he did lie to me at some points regarding his drug use, in the first few months we were dating. But that was probably the right thing to do ... otherwise I would have freaked out and ran away. And here we are three+ years later... lol.

I'm not advocating lying ... too much ... but telling her too much, too soon, may have a negative effect, just be smart about it.
 
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