C
confused20sumthin
Guest
--- This post was originally intended for me to write about how i'm feeling so crap and down due to my current situation. But mid way through writing it the second time, a good 2000 words in, I realised that if I had not got back with my then ex girlfriend, I would not be here. ---
I have known about bluelight for a long time, however I do not have an account here, after talking to someone I hadn't spoken to in a while tonight I just feel the need to right this down and get another opinion.
I am a 20 year old (bday in 5 days) male from Australia, the only drugs I have done are weed, which I did not start smoking till I was 17 and various synthetic cannabinoids. I grew up in a nice house in a nice city, I didn't see much of my father growing up and my mother died when I was 14, a non-smoker dying of lung cancer, wtf god? So basically I'm the goody-two-shoes who had a bit of bad stuff happen to him, but i'm O.K.
So basically I have a tolerance to emotional pain, unless somebody died, was significantly injured, or has had a massive loss in any way. I do not really give a shit, because losing my mother is the worse than all of the petty shit people get upset about.
A year ago I had a very good job ($90,000/y), my own unit, my own things, I was living my own life the way I wanted for the first time, a decision to move states, due to social issues on my SO's side, put me where I am today, I moved with promises from my brother of "heaps of work" and "tons to do", neither were true. Eventually my sister needed help when her live in baby sitter walked out, I had the time and really didn't have anything going for me where I lived so I came over to here to 'help' her. This was October 2012.
I currently live at my sisters house with my SO looking after her kids 2/3 weeks fulltime while she works away in exchange for a room, food, bills etc, I have no way out of this place, it's not just that I have nowhere else to go, it's a bunch of things, in which leaving makes me the bad person.
A few words recently made me realize that the only thing I was holding onto as a possible good thing - was no longer a good thing. My SO has put me through hell, she was my first and has been my only. To this day we have broken up a dozen times - due to in my opinion her actions alone - she has never broken up with me despite sleeping with other people. About 12 months ago was the last time we got back together after 2 months apart, I told her straight out this was absolutely the last time, I was not coming back again. Since then she has been "fine".
Now - I always noticed recently when we were arguing about something, that it was 90% of the time me: You didn't say that to me, her: Yes I have I tell you ALL THE TIME!, this had always pissed me off because I am very intelligent person and have good memory, whereas she is not and does not, yet will continue to argue with me about the stupidest things. This got me to a point of the thoughts going around in my head that maybe I was going a little crazy and maybe she has said it etc etc etc, starting to blame myself for whats going on.
Then yesterday, at the supermarket, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was standing next to her while she tried to purchase a pouch of tobacco, there was also a random dude behind us in line, here's how the conversation went:
Her: Can I get a pack of jps please?
Att: Which colour?
Her: Uhhgg, Gold.
Att: 20's? 25's?
Her: 25 I think.
Att: *starts looking at the draws of tailormades*
Me: She wants a tobacco pouch, not tailors. - Me to GF: You have to actually tell them you want tobacco.
Her: I did.
Me: No you didn't.
Her: I DID!
Me: No you didn't babe,
Att: Yeah, you didn't say it.
Her: I DID SAY IT!
Guy Behind: Sorry miss but your man here is right, you didn't say tobacco.
Her: Argh I fucking did. *walks off*
After this I tried to explain to her on the way out that maybe she thought the word but it didn't come out, she flat out refused any explanation I had and refused to speak to me about it anymore AND ignored me for the rest of the night. At that moment my world came crashing down, how can I ever marry this woman? Or trust this woman? Or even have a legitimate conversation with this woman, if every single time, no matter what, i'd be required to record the damn conversation as future proof, otherwise I would ALWAYS be wrong.
Before this happened I was OK with being stuck - because I was with her and some day we would get out and be fine. But now... I don't even want her to be around me anymore, I can't say "I love you" without feeling bad inside. I feel almost repulsed. Because all I can think is "All this time, you let me think I was a bad person, all this time".
And then I feel bad because I feel like i've in some way lied to her for 12 months (saying Iloveyou) and dragged her around the country, just to drop her off with nothing (she had nothing when I met her, but she lived somewhere atleast).
So leave her?
I cannot look after the kids alone, and she has no place to go.
So you leave?
I brought her here, this is my sisters house, I cannot leave her here. My niece has begun to depend on me being here as relief from her abusive mother.
I cannot leave without money or a place to go.
I cannot get a job to get money because I'm a full time baby sitter. The only time I can leave the house is when I take one or both kids with me.
Oh yeah, and the nephew (5) has some sort of extreme adhd, he is such a fucking cunt of a child, i've met and looked after alot of children, including SICK children. Compared to ALL OF THEM, this kid is 100x worse due to lack of discipline from his mother. He will draw on walls, hit you and basically do anything your common sense would tell you NOT TO DO because you'll get in trouble. And then he'll repeat it all over again the next day.
AND ON TOP OF THAT. I cannot smoke a fucking LEGAL product in the place I call home, IN THE BACK YARD, because it "looks" like i'm smoking weed, through a pipe, which the kids would have no fucking idea what it is. So I don't even have my own freedom. - I smoke bongs in my bedroom anyway, simply for this reason, I would rather smoke it outside, but it is much easier to hide it in my room than outside, not weed, but legal "herbal incense".
I also found that I cannot sit and have a cone by myself, she always has to have one too. Or if i'm up at like 3am (like now), and pull a bong and she happens to wake up, she'll get up, smoke 2-3 cones and then go back to sleep - WHAT A WASTE! -
Sorry if it doesn't make sense or anything, I didn't intend to write what I did. It just happened. And because alot of the above has nothing to do with drugs - I go through every day smoking synthetic cannabis to deal with the thoughts in my head about my current situation. - there you go. Drugs.
I was happy once and had heaps of fun, without the need for drugs and alcohol, the "person I was speaking to" reminded of that tonight, and that time was the 2 months I was separated from my SO.
I have known about bluelight for a long time, however I do not have an account here, after talking to someone I hadn't spoken to in a while tonight I just feel the need to right this down and get another opinion.
I am a 20 year old (bday in 5 days) male from Australia, the only drugs I have done are weed, which I did not start smoking till I was 17 and various synthetic cannabinoids. I grew up in a nice house in a nice city, I didn't see much of my father growing up and my mother died when I was 14, a non-smoker dying of lung cancer, wtf god? So basically I'm the goody-two-shoes who had a bit of bad stuff happen to him, but i'm O.K.
So basically I have a tolerance to emotional pain, unless somebody died, was significantly injured, or has had a massive loss in any way. I do not really give a shit, because losing my mother is the worse than all of the petty shit people get upset about.
A year ago I had a very good job ($90,000/y), my own unit, my own things, I was living my own life the way I wanted for the first time, a decision to move states, due to social issues on my SO's side, put me where I am today, I moved with promises from my brother of "heaps of work" and "tons to do", neither were true. Eventually my sister needed help when her live in baby sitter walked out, I had the time and really didn't have anything going for me where I lived so I came over to here to 'help' her. This was October 2012.
I currently live at my sisters house with my SO looking after her kids 2/3 weeks fulltime while she works away in exchange for a room, food, bills etc, I have no way out of this place, it's not just that I have nowhere else to go, it's a bunch of things, in which leaving makes me the bad person.
A few words recently made me realize that the only thing I was holding onto as a possible good thing - was no longer a good thing. My SO has put me through hell, she was my first and has been my only. To this day we have broken up a dozen times - due to in my opinion her actions alone - she has never broken up with me despite sleeping with other people. About 12 months ago was the last time we got back together after 2 months apart, I told her straight out this was absolutely the last time, I was not coming back again. Since then she has been "fine".
Now - I always noticed recently when we were arguing about something, that it was 90% of the time me: You didn't say that to me, her: Yes I have I tell you ALL THE TIME!, this had always pissed me off because I am very intelligent person and have good memory, whereas she is not and does not, yet will continue to argue with me about the stupidest things. This got me to a point of the thoughts going around in my head that maybe I was going a little crazy and maybe she has said it etc etc etc, starting to blame myself for whats going on.
Then yesterday, at the supermarket, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was standing next to her while she tried to purchase a pouch of tobacco, there was also a random dude behind us in line, here's how the conversation went:
Her: Can I get a pack of jps please?
Att: Which colour?
Her: Uhhgg, Gold.
Att: 20's? 25's?
Her: 25 I think.
Att: *starts looking at the draws of tailormades*
Me: She wants a tobacco pouch, not tailors. - Me to GF: You have to actually tell them you want tobacco.
Her: I did.
Me: No you didn't.
Her: I DID!
Me: No you didn't babe,
Att: Yeah, you didn't say it.
Her: I DID SAY IT!
Guy Behind: Sorry miss but your man here is right, you didn't say tobacco.
Her: Argh I fucking did. *walks off*
After this I tried to explain to her on the way out that maybe she thought the word but it didn't come out, she flat out refused any explanation I had and refused to speak to me about it anymore AND ignored me for the rest of the night. At that moment my world came crashing down, how can I ever marry this woman? Or trust this woman? Or even have a legitimate conversation with this woman, if every single time, no matter what, i'd be required to record the damn conversation as future proof, otherwise I would ALWAYS be wrong.
Before this happened I was OK with being stuck - because I was with her and some day we would get out and be fine. But now... I don't even want her to be around me anymore, I can't say "I love you" without feeling bad inside. I feel almost repulsed. Because all I can think is "All this time, you let me think I was a bad person, all this time".
And then I feel bad because I feel like i've in some way lied to her for 12 months (saying Iloveyou) and dragged her around the country, just to drop her off with nothing (she had nothing when I met her, but she lived somewhere atleast).
So leave her?
I cannot look after the kids alone, and she has no place to go.
So you leave?
I brought her here, this is my sisters house, I cannot leave her here. My niece has begun to depend on me being here as relief from her abusive mother.
I cannot leave without money or a place to go.
I cannot get a job to get money because I'm a full time baby sitter. The only time I can leave the house is when I take one or both kids with me.
Oh yeah, and the nephew (5) has some sort of extreme adhd, he is such a fucking cunt of a child, i've met and looked after alot of children, including SICK children. Compared to ALL OF THEM, this kid is 100x worse due to lack of discipline from his mother. He will draw on walls, hit you and basically do anything your common sense would tell you NOT TO DO because you'll get in trouble. And then he'll repeat it all over again the next day.
AND ON TOP OF THAT. I cannot smoke a fucking LEGAL product in the place I call home, IN THE BACK YARD, because it "looks" like i'm smoking weed, through a pipe, which the kids would have no fucking idea what it is. So I don't even have my own freedom. - I smoke bongs in my bedroom anyway, simply for this reason, I would rather smoke it outside, but it is much easier to hide it in my room than outside, not weed, but legal "herbal incense".
I also found that I cannot sit and have a cone by myself, she always has to have one too. Or if i'm up at like 3am (like now), and pull a bong and she happens to wake up, she'll get up, smoke 2-3 cones and then go back to sleep - WHAT A WASTE! -
Sorry if it doesn't make sense or anything, I didn't intend to write what I did. It just happened. And because alot of the above has nothing to do with drugs - I go through every day smoking synthetic cannabis to deal with the thoughts in my head about my current situation. - there you go. Drugs.
I was happy once and had heaps of fun, without the need for drugs and alcohol, the "person I was speaking to" reminded of that tonight, and that time was the 2 months I was separated from my SO.
) and to keep that up i had to stay very closed off from the world to the point that when i finally did find someone who i could connect with i wanted to stick with them through all sorts of shit i shouldn't have simply because it was easier then moving on and trying to build a life from scratch, ditch her and enjoy some freedom 