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TDS So confused

BabyGurl3171

BabyGurl3171

Bluelighter
Joined
May 25, 2010
Messages
1,616
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In my mind. The choices are many, the consequences
I'm back to abusin benzos n alcohol. I feel so sad n lonely.

Like an idiot I gave my idiot ex a chance n he's proven to b a continuous dick. We never talk n he disappears all day leavin me alone. I'm tired of it. I feel so alone.

My ex fiance of 5 yrs gets out in 14 days n I think I'm goin back to him. I just don't wanna b alone anymore.

I gave this asshole my heart. I broke down my walls n trusted him with my whole heart. I'm just so sad and feel abandoned.

Sometimes he's an amazin bf, but usually he with holds any affection from me. I try talkin to him but he nrver wants to hear it. What do I do? My heart literally aches.

I kno u can't change someone n that hurts too.

Whrre do I go from here...

I'm so lonely, lost & confused.
 
work on yourself; be comfortable in your own skin and with your own thoughts. If your fiance of 5 years was locked up, then i don't think it's a good idea to just jump on board with that. Once you are strong in yourself, you'll attract others with similar strengths which will create healthy relationships. Many people spiral from one person to another seeking something they don't have or to fill a void metaphorically. Those relationships are unbalanced and doomed to failure.

what to do? it's easy for me to say but it's your life, i just can't give advice other than to work on yourself and possibly try things by yourself instead of finding yourself through another person.

i hate talking about shit with girls though, i guess i'm a cold distant person but i don't mean to be, maybe your bf is like that. Not much you can do about it but accept it or try to talk it out. It's hard to change though, i know i couldn't just be an affectionate person, it's just not me. I am cold distant and complicated according to my gf and it bothers her but shit what am i supposed to do about it?
 
RobotRipping said:
work on yourself; be comfortable in your own skin and with your own thoughts. If your fiance of 5 years was locked up, then i don't think it's a good idea to just jump on board with that.
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^This. You don't want to leap back into a relationship with your ex right after he gets out. You don't know how it may have changed him or what habits he has now.

A relationship of convenience (just because you're lonely) is terrible, you'll wind up hurting yourself more, and in the long run your kids.

I'm sorry to hear that you gave your recent ex another chance, you must have known nothing was going to change. Did the abuse of benzos come before or after giving him another chance?
 
Hey BabyGurl3171 , don't sink too far into your addiction again! You know it will only hurt you. I'm sorry you're going through misery right now, but like robot and redistributed said you really should work on being ok alone. I find comfort in being alone, but it takes a seeking spirit to confront oneself, and just accept all the good and the bad.

You don't sound like a bad person to me. I'd hate for you to bounce from one abusive person (in any way) to another, over and over.....honestly I can really relate to robot about being cold and distant, it seems inevitable to some extent while growing up and going through various relationships.

All I know is that I AM a worthy person, nomatter what my addiction or other people tell me. I will fight to remind myself of that, and the best way to actualize it is action. So don't sit around doing nothing, try to find something to take your mind off your troubles. I've been going out on long bike rides myself, just alone even though I'd rather be with someone else, but it has been helping me relax, unwind, feel free, not think about getting high (at least not every few minutes lol, you have to pay attention on a bike or you'll get run over or run into a damn fence!)

Good vibes.
 
Yeah I kno I have a lot of self cleanin to do. I always pick assholes n crazies lol. Says something about me, eh?

I started the benzo (ab)use after he came bk. I think its the only reason I haven't slugged him yet.

I think I'm goin to try this single stuff for awhile. Can't b any worse than puttin up with this jerk.
 
I've been single for 2 years and I'm fine. Yeah I have some issues, and I'm fighting with addiction but you know we have lots of time to find someone that is actually worth it.

I don't want to be single forever, I mean I would love to have a gf now, but one thing I do have is patience. And I hate going out and trying to attract the attention of someone I think is attractive, I'm just really passive about it. lol probably saying a lot about why I'm still single, huh? But I know that at some point, when I'm ready I'll find someone to be with. I just have a sense of inner confidence about it.

And being single is really great sometimes, because you don't have to answer to or seek approval from someone all your waking hours. Once again I guess that right there is just saying a lot about my own attitude on the subject, and my own experiences in the past with girlfriends.
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
My ex fiance of 5 yrs gets out in 14 days n I think I'm goin back to him. I just don't wanna b alone anymore.
Click to expand...

The very best way to never feel alone again is to first be comfortable enough with she who lives within you that you can consider her your best friend and confidant.

And if that advice sounds cliche and redundant... Well, it is my belief that there is a reason for that.

I would strongly advise against the course of action you've stated you've made your mind up to take. Really, and truly advise against it.
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
Yeah I kno I have a lot of self cleanin to do. I always pick assholes n crazies lol. Says something about me, eh?

I started the benzo (ab)use after he came bk. I think its the only reason I haven't slugged him yet.

I think I'm goin to try this single stuff for awhile. Can't b any worse than puttin up with this jerk.
Click to expand...


that's the right attitude, I'm happy to see you have that realization.

the good thing is you can work these issues out and in the future you'll find someone that is right for you and your life.
 
Thanks vaya & everyone. I really need to learn to love myself bc I hate myself honestly & how could I love someone else? I also need to work on codependency. I have counseling twice a week to work on that, ptsd & anxiety.I depend on others, mostly men, for happiness & always get disappointed. I really need to do a lot of me work.

My counselor gave me an assignment. Write what I want/need in my life and a relationship. I think it may help sharin it with her.

Cornishman, unfortunately I'm stuck in America. I'd love to live in the UK!
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
My counselor gave me an assignment. Write what I want/need in my life and a relationship. I think it may help sharin it with her.
Click to expand...

Have you completed the assignment? If not, do you intend to? I hope that you do!

If it would help, you could always share it here...
 
If you don't want to be alone for a short period of time, get a cat. Cats are awesome little creatures, just don't get one of those hairless things...nasty is that they are.

But seriously, you can't fix anything until you get some time alone AND clean. These are just opinions (and we all know opinions are like assholes, everyone gots one), but take a moment to step back and look at the common cause to these problems. From there you can move forward, if not, people are around when you are ready.
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
Cornishman, unfortunately I'm stuck in America. I'd love to live in the UK!
Click to expand...

Nevermind. I was gonna say to post in the European social threads and try to hook up with some decent BL'ers.

You could always try the same in the American social forum.
I'm sure there's plenty of decent guys here on BL who would brighten up your day & point you in the right direction. ;)
 
^tho you're going to run into many drug addicts lol probably not the best pool to fish out of.

i second getting a cat; they are awesome, unless you don't like them, in which case do not get one.
 
RobotRipping said:
^tho you're going to run into many drug addicts lol probably not the best pool to fish out of.

i second getting a cat; they are awesome, unless you don't like them, in which case do not get one.
Click to expand...

True, at least the active addicts with no desire to stop and with every intention of glorifying their use!

PS - having a cat has been a wondrously therapeutic experience for me. I highly suggest it, as long as you are not otherwise predisposed at getting one/are allergic to them.

Case-in-point :) :)
 
I have 2 cats and a dog, miniature Doberman pinscher. He's as bad as a kid! lol And yes, I talk to them.

I'm goin to start workin on my lists tonight. I think it'll really help. It's also gonna hurt bc I kno my current man won't fit any of it. Sigh.

I already kno most of what I want in a relationship. Loyalty, honesty, quality time, caring, affection. I'm sure I'll come up with a hundred more. I'll post here after I complete it. What I want in life is gonna be a little harder. I know I wanna finish my programming degree and I want stability. I'm sure I'll think of more!
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
I already kno most of what I want in a relationship. Loyalty, honesty, quality time, caring, affection. I'm sure I'll come up with a hundred more. I'll post here after I complete it. What I want in life is gonna be a little harder. I know I wanna finish my programming degree and I want stability. I'm sure I'll think of more!
Click to expand...

These are all really admirable attributes, and ones anyone with sensibility (yourself included!) ought to strive for!

Waiting for it is decidedly the most difficult part. One thing I've come to live by is a fortune i got once.

"The most exciting adventures are those we do not seek out."
 
So far this is what I have.

What I deserve in a relationship:
honesty, no secrets, loyalty, love, affection, quality time, shared responsibility, communication, respect, trust, same values I have & stability.

What I want in life:
finish programming degree, stability, nice home, God fearin children, get my license back, good job I enjoy, all my kids home (ex husband has stolen two), loyal husband & to serve God properly.

I'm sure I'll think of more!
 
oh no not god fearing children! though if you're Christian/Jewish/other i have to respect your values/choices. I just don't like the idea of God and fear, God is love!

What you're looking for in a relationship is perfect though. I think those qualities are what all good relationships are based on.
 
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