PurpleKush1
Bluelighter
Hi everybody, i have somethin i want to talk about. Im curently 19 yearss old,my first experience with drugs is at age 11. I smoked ganj for the first time at 11, didnt really feel the effects because i didnt know how to smoke. I smoked again at 13, i smoked like a few times a month, nothin serious. At 14 i started smoking seriously, and i had a period of binge drinking pretty much 6 days out of 7 for 2 months at 15, i went to another country and yeah, umm, alcohol was easy to obtain. Now let me state that when i only smoked weed and drank, i idnt have any problems. I passed my classes, at 60-65 % but still, while smoking a quarter a day of good shit and not studiyng or doing homework at all. I have been bullied when i was younger, the result is i dont trust no one, i have very bad social anxiety and anger issues. Well, weed helped me with that alot, i was more calm and didnt care to meet new people, the anxiety was gone.
The problems started at age 16, when i began using speed (methamphetamine or methamphetamine + amphetamine pills where i live). I felt very confident, i had sucess with girls like i never thought i could have, everybody liked me, i was perfect, or so i thought. Of course now i understand its a product of having a boost of dopamine, which made me think im more inteligent and attractive. ALso the summer of my 16 i did lsd, mushrooms, mda,mdma,keatmine but just a few a times.When scholl started,I started using speed everyday, i lost around 30 pounds in a 2 months period, went from fat to skinny. This had an incident on my behavior, i barely slept and became more and more burnout. In the end, i remember thinking everybody new what i was doing, my illusion of being powerful and attractive were completly crumbled. I still smoked weed during that time too, did extacy5-6 times those 2 months. I have a gift, to remember most of what i do, even if im fucking intoxicated on different substances. For example i can remeber most of what i did on 3-4 mgs of xanax and vodka. Anyways this is not important, just to specify that what im saying definitly was like that at the time, and this is not a product of my imagination. Back to what is was tellin : i became increasingly violent. Getting mad pissed at teachers for not letting me go to the washrooms, calling girls who didnt want to hook up or who werent doing what i wanted them to do dirty sluts, humiliating them,etc. Same went from anyone who gont on my nerves or conflicted with my interest, xcept i was a bit more physical with males. Im not proud of that, and karma bites you back in the ass, i know it. I finally was expelled, on assumptions of drug usage. they never could prove that i was on dem and never found dem, but because of my fucked up behavior they backed theyre bullshit and i was expelled.
FOllowing this i got very deep, i used speed way too much at first, like 20 pills one after the other , next thing you know i havent slept for 3 days. Eventually speed pills lost its appeal. I wnet to a 2 week errday molly binge, and yes it was mdma, it was tested and the best iever had in my life. After this binge i felt very depressed,i thought i would never be back to normal, so i decided to indulge into more destructive behavior. I actually fucked everything up with the girl i loved the most to this day on my bday. I had invited her and other friends to my house, everybody got wasted and stoned, except one friend who popped two mollys and stayed up with me all night. I was popping mdma and speed, snorting ketamine,smoking weed, and drinking a little as weell. Well the morning came up, the girl woke up, she knew i had feelings for her and she had some for me, but was scared of my drug usage 8( . I went upstairs with her i remeber trying to tell her how i felt, nice thing i couldnt fucking talk. I basically wasnt able to put more than a few words in front of the other whitout fucking up and forgetting everything i was saying, and where i was and who she was. She had to remind me....anyways she said sorry but im not ready for dat and left. When everybody left, i realised how much of a fuck up i really was. I thought i should kill myself. I came to this conclusion after drinking a 26 ouncer of gin, so i popped the 5 mdma caps i had left. they were around 180 mgs. No need to call bullshit, this was the last day of my 2 week binge. As you know, tolerance can develop pretty quickly. My friend came over 15 minutes after i dropped dem. I dont remeber much after that, but he said i was convulsing and vomiting. he spend the whole night with me to make sure i would be okay. I will never forget that, this still means alot to me. I personaly remebr hearing voices that told me i was failure, that i should die, that i didnt merit to walk this earth and i was hallucinating pretty crazily. my friends coat a some point morphed into the girl i was talking to you about, telling me i should kill myself. I passed out early in the morning. when i woke up the next day, i decided i wouldnt kill myself, but destroy myself to the max because i was a last hope.
I tried coke for the first time 2 days after dat, and started taking it everyday, money was not a problem and the coke was good shit. I drank and smoked alot as well. I spent the month of december binging on coke everyday. Month of january i tried pure crystal, not pills. I loved it , i got to a point where i mixed lines of coke and ice, i think i overdosed once because i stopped seeing and hearing, and lost motor control of my legs, when i came back i was vomiting blood. I did a few crack binges during that time and pcp a few times as well. In the end of a january i was taken by the cops into a youth facility, and diagnosed with toxic psychosis. I didnt have any medications for the first month, i remember hallucinating coke baggies in my room. The facility was a complete lockdown, no way to escape. After a month i went to see a psychiatrist, he gave me adderall and seroquel. I was then moved to a less lockdowned faiclity, where i started smoking weed a few times a week again. I liked the mix of aderall and weed, and the one seroquel and weed also. I t enhances the weed x4 in my opinion. During the 6 months i was in the more democratic facility, i still did coke and meth but only on the weekends. After this i moved into an appartment with a friend.
We smoked alot and had a little 2cb binge during the time of my 18th birthday, but nothign serious. This is when i discovered a new category of drugs : opiates. I had a tooth that was almost missing, another one with a hole so b ig you could see the nerve, and another one with an abcess. The pain was unberable. I was prescibed 30 procets, which is 30 mg codeine with paracetamol. i ate them in 3 days, i read about cew and i ¨sipped lean¨ while still smoking and drinking brew. I went back to the doctor got a script for oxycodone. i took it only for the pain at the begining. Then i started mixing them with vicodin and strong liquor and aderall. eventually i overdosed, my friend checked my breathing when i was passed out and i had stopped breathing, he said my lips were blue, he slapeed the shit out of me and i somehow woke up. I thinks its a miracle. I went to europe, and drank cew codeine everyday tappering off and had my teeth pulled out. I came back to my country 3 months later, and sticked only to weed and alcohol until summer. All good things come to an end, so i went back to europe and discovered a new kind of enemy, xanax. At first i had 15 mgs every week, i would almost always mix them with alcohol and weed,sometimes adding amphet sulfat or coke to the mix. I would go trough the 15 mgs in a week or two, then not have anything for a week. I worked at the time and made good money, which helped me smoke like a monkey and drink like a fish. Eventually i got 90 pills of .5 mgs at once. I polished 3/4 of them in ttwo weeks. I was expelled from my job because i was always late and my boss would find me drooling on myself at my desk with the phone off. When i was expelled, i had popped 2 mgs, and a friend came by with some H. Despite reading that it can be fatal with benzos, i snorted some. WOW. i loved it. i did it two weeks non stop all day everyday, often trhowing xanax and a little bit of beer into the mix. ANd this is were i fucked up. One day i had snorted a few lines, and popped an E, i rolled good, or so ithought, but in reality the H was masking the effect. 3 days laters, i woke up and popped that same pill (inpressed white motorolla, stay the fuck away from it, the new batch is def something anormal). I had the worst e trip of my life, i couldnt feel my legs and would fall flat on my face if i tried to, i was sweating way too much more than i ever have in my life, alot of other bad shit. IM fucked up since then. i flew off to my home country, smoked very dank weed which would almost everytime give me a panic attack but i would overcome it. WHen i came back to europe i went to the hospital to be IMed with diazepam to calm me down, i couldnt take it. I was feeling i went crazy. Even one puff would send me into the NAsty ass E trip.
Well now its been 3 months i didnt smoke weed. I feel worse than ever. Im depressed, i feel like a failure, i have no motivation. I dont have contacts with women, this drives me crazy. I cant sleep, i dont feel most of the positive emotions. Only anger, fear, paranoia, hatred for myself. I have gotten back with a weight problem again, most fo you would say im ok, but i have a belly,im not attractive at all, i hate my new self. This is thanks to the onlanzapine i was on for the first 2 months after this happend. I dream about drugs and think about getting high nothing else. Im durnk 4 days out of 7, and i smoke cigs but nothing else. And when im drunk i feel even worse but i cant stop doing it. Im often thinking about suicide, but i believe in god and dont think its th best option. I just feel i failed everything, and im useless to this world. I dont know what to do anymore.My days consist of watching movies and jerking off. The only thing that still btrings a smile to my face is my cat, but even thats is short lived. This IS NOT a dicksizing thread, im ashamed actuallyu of all the shit ive done at my age. For those of you who bothered reading trhough this, thank you. alot. I need help. If somebody has any advice, im listening.
The problems started at age 16, when i began using speed (methamphetamine or methamphetamine + amphetamine pills where i live). I felt very confident, i had sucess with girls like i never thought i could have, everybody liked me, i was perfect, or so i thought. Of course now i understand its a product of having a boost of dopamine, which made me think im more inteligent and attractive. ALso the summer of my 16 i did lsd, mushrooms, mda,mdma,keatmine but just a few a times.When scholl started,I started using speed everyday, i lost around 30 pounds in a 2 months period, went from fat to skinny. This had an incident on my behavior, i barely slept and became more and more burnout. In the end, i remember thinking everybody new what i was doing, my illusion of being powerful and attractive were completly crumbled. I still smoked weed during that time too, did extacy5-6 times those 2 months. I have a gift, to remember most of what i do, even if im fucking intoxicated on different substances. For example i can remeber most of what i did on 3-4 mgs of xanax and vodka. Anyways this is not important, just to specify that what im saying definitly was like that at the time, and this is not a product of my imagination. Back to what is was tellin : i became increasingly violent. Getting mad pissed at teachers for not letting me go to the washrooms, calling girls who didnt want to hook up or who werent doing what i wanted them to do dirty sluts, humiliating them,etc. Same went from anyone who gont on my nerves or conflicted with my interest, xcept i was a bit more physical with males. Im not proud of that, and karma bites you back in the ass, i know it. I finally was expelled, on assumptions of drug usage. they never could prove that i was on dem and never found dem, but because of my fucked up behavior they backed theyre bullshit and i was expelled.
FOllowing this i got very deep, i used speed way too much at first, like 20 pills one after the other , next thing you know i havent slept for 3 days. Eventually speed pills lost its appeal. I wnet to a 2 week errday molly binge, and yes it was mdma, it was tested and the best iever had in my life. After this binge i felt very depressed,i thought i would never be back to normal, so i decided to indulge into more destructive behavior. I actually fucked everything up with the girl i loved the most to this day on my bday. I had invited her and other friends to my house, everybody got wasted and stoned, except one friend who popped two mollys and stayed up with me all night. I was popping mdma and speed, snorting ketamine,smoking weed, and drinking a little as weell. Well the morning came up, the girl woke up, she knew i had feelings for her and she had some for me, but was scared of my drug usage 8( . I went upstairs with her i remeber trying to tell her how i felt, nice thing i couldnt fucking talk. I basically wasnt able to put more than a few words in front of the other whitout fucking up and forgetting everything i was saying, and where i was and who she was. She had to remind me....anyways she said sorry but im not ready for dat and left. When everybody left, i realised how much of a fuck up i really was. I thought i should kill myself. I came to this conclusion after drinking a 26 ouncer of gin, so i popped the 5 mdma caps i had left. they were around 180 mgs. No need to call bullshit, this was the last day of my 2 week binge. As you know, tolerance can develop pretty quickly. My friend came over 15 minutes after i dropped dem. I dont remeber much after that, but he said i was convulsing and vomiting. he spend the whole night with me to make sure i would be okay. I will never forget that, this still means alot to me. I personaly remebr hearing voices that told me i was failure, that i should die, that i didnt merit to walk this earth and i was hallucinating pretty crazily. my friends coat a some point morphed into the girl i was talking to you about, telling me i should kill myself. I passed out early in the morning. when i woke up the next day, i decided i wouldnt kill myself, but destroy myself to the max because i was a last hope.
I tried coke for the first time 2 days after dat, and started taking it everyday, money was not a problem and the coke was good shit. I drank and smoked alot as well. I spent the month of december binging on coke everyday. Month of january i tried pure crystal, not pills. I loved it , i got to a point where i mixed lines of coke and ice, i think i overdosed once because i stopped seeing and hearing, and lost motor control of my legs, when i came back i was vomiting blood. I did a few crack binges during that time and pcp a few times as well. In the end of a january i was taken by the cops into a youth facility, and diagnosed with toxic psychosis. I didnt have any medications for the first month, i remember hallucinating coke baggies in my room. The facility was a complete lockdown, no way to escape. After a month i went to see a psychiatrist, he gave me adderall and seroquel. I was then moved to a less lockdowned faiclity, where i started smoking weed a few times a week again. I liked the mix of aderall and weed, and the one seroquel and weed also. I t enhances the weed x4 in my opinion. During the 6 months i was in the more democratic facility, i still did coke and meth but only on the weekends. After this i moved into an appartment with a friend.
We smoked alot and had a little 2cb binge during the time of my 18th birthday, but nothign serious. This is when i discovered a new category of drugs : opiates. I had a tooth that was almost missing, another one with a hole so b ig you could see the nerve, and another one with an abcess. The pain was unberable. I was prescibed 30 procets, which is 30 mg codeine with paracetamol. i ate them in 3 days, i read about cew and i ¨sipped lean¨ while still smoking and drinking brew. I went back to the doctor got a script for oxycodone. i took it only for the pain at the begining. Then i started mixing them with vicodin and strong liquor and aderall. eventually i overdosed, my friend checked my breathing when i was passed out and i had stopped breathing, he said my lips were blue, he slapeed the shit out of me and i somehow woke up. I thinks its a miracle. I went to europe, and drank cew codeine everyday tappering off and had my teeth pulled out. I came back to my country 3 months later, and sticked only to weed and alcohol until summer. All good things come to an end, so i went back to europe and discovered a new kind of enemy, xanax. At first i had 15 mgs every week, i would almost always mix them with alcohol and weed,sometimes adding amphet sulfat or coke to the mix. I would go trough the 15 mgs in a week or two, then not have anything for a week. I worked at the time and made good money, which helped me smoke like a monkey and drink like a fish. Eventually i got 90 pills of .5 mgs at once. I polished 3/4 of them in ttwo weeks. I was expelled from my job because i was always late and my boss would find me drooling on myself at my desk with the phone off. When i was expelled, i had popped 2 mgs, and a friend came by with some H. Despite reading that it can be fatal with benzos, i snorted some. WOW. i loved it. i did it two weeks non stop all day everyday, often trhowing xanax and a little bit of beer into the mix. ANd this is were i fucked up. One day i had snorted a few lines, and popped an E, i rolled good, or so ithought, but in reality the H was masking the effect. 3 days laters, i woke up and popped that same pill (inpressed white motorolla, stay the fuck away from it, the new batch is def something anormal). I had the worst e trip of my life, i couldnt feel my legs and would fall flat on my face if i tried to, i was sweating way too much more than i ever have in my life, alot of other bad shit. IM fucked up since then. i flew off to my home country, smoked very dank weed which would almost everytime give me a panic attack but i would overcome it. WHen i came back to europe i went to the hospital to be IMed with diazepam to calm me down, i couldnt take it. I was feeling i went crazy. Even one puff would send me into the NAsty ass E trip.
Well now its been 3 months i didnt smoke weed. I feel worse than ever. Im depressed, i feel like a failure, i have no motivation. I dont have contacts with women, this drives me crazy. I cant sleep, i dont feel most of the positive emotions. Only anger, fear, paranoia, hatred for myself. I have gotten back with a weight problem again, most fo you would say im ok, but i have a belly,im not attractive at all, i hate my new self. This is thanks to the onlanzapine i was on for the first 2 months after this happend. I dream about drugs and think about getting high nothing else. Im durnk 4 days out of 7, and i smoke cigs but nothing else. And when im drunk i feel even worse but i cant stop doing it. Im often thinking about suicide, but i believe in god and dont think its th best option. I just feel i failed everything, and im useless to this world. I dont know what to do anymore.My days consist of watching movies and jerking off. The only thing that still btrings a smile to my face is my cat, but even thats is short lived. This IS NOT a dicksizing thread, im ashamed actuallyu of all the shit ive done at my age. For those of you who bothered reading trhough this, thank you. alot. I need help. If somebody has any advice, im listening.
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. I know taking more drugs is not going to help, but i feel slightly bettter for a few hours when i drink, alcoholism is in my family, i dont want to go into details but someone very close to me is on the verge of dying because of it. Someone normal would take that as an example, but i dont know why but i dont. I still have very bad panic atttacks, io have clonazepam for that but i dont take it, because i have unberable rebound anxiety for dat and what i have is not unlimited, i dont get refills on that shit. either i take it everyday or i dont. I now i wont be back to 100 % just like that, and probably never will, but i dont improve, its just worse and worse. And the problem is i cant be sober. Im depend on substances, i need to escape reality, i hate reality,it brings me only shit. If i could stick to weed i wouldnt even drink, but i take a puff and im in a full panic state ofr a few days, thanks to that dirty e i took 3 months ago. I take opiates whenever i can but its not often. Im afraid if i dont have something softer i will go back to them. Im a downers persone now, uppers make me psychotic. I either need to find something soft to get high on or just sswitch my life over, but its impossible. The only time i quit everything myself was when i had a girl. It lasted 3 weeks lol. I would go get some benzos but im surew he will put me on some ssri, and im against that, im more down to smoke crack or snort dust than thouch that. What could help me? because the activitys i enjoyed before now make me feel sick, example freestyle ski or roller blade. im kinda losty
) and the coke was good shit. I drank and smoked alot as well. 
Unfortunately this is pretty damn true and you have almost made the rounds of that statement already,)
. But i feel at the same time i will nmever achieve that, im 3 years late on the school programm, im not able to study, etc. ANd i wont go into anything illegal,ive seen how it ends 
