Hey people, I thought some input might help as I don't have a lot of close friends or family to talk to about my current situation. Here goes.
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 15 months. Last month, we went overseas together for a four week period. A few days before the trip ended, we both went out on a bender/bar crawl. Long story short, she went home at 2am and I stayed out. I was unfaithful to her that night.
My actions were extremely selfish, totally foolish and dangerous, and seemingly without any logical reasoning. Was I was out of my mind? Yes, in a sense, but I still can't really come to terms with how or why I did what I did. It was fucked up, and I'm full of guilt. It was the first time I'd done anything similar, and it was way out of character. I'll move on before it seems like I'm begging for sympathy, because I'm aware I shouldn't be. This post is not so much about the cheating incident itself, but rather the aftermath.
I told my girlfriend what I did a day and a half later. My guilt was eating me up, and I couldn't stand lying to her. Obviously, she was shattered. I won't go into the details of the situation that was created between us, but as you would expect it was a deeply emotional and difficult time for her. We talked about everything for hours, and then talked some more. There was no anger, just sadness and confusion mostly.
It's now about two weeks since the incident occurred, and we are back living together in our home country. We are still together but things are not completely resolved. In the aftermath, the situation has become more complicated. I will try and break it down as simply as possible.
Despite what I did to her, my girlfriend still loves me and I love her as well (Yes, I know...how I could do something so bad to someone I love is something I still have not come to terms with, but it happened and I cannot take it back). Clearly her heart has been broken, but it is not beyond repair. She has made big mistakes in the past, and learnt from them. In this situation, she is of the opinion that I deserve a second chance - and for this I am extremely thankful. She wants to and is willing to forgive me...with one condition: We must get engaged (as soon as possible) otherwise she will not have the trust and commitment from me that she needs to be able to move on and rebuild the relationship.
This is a hard time for her, and I know I must always put her feelings at the forefront of my mind and focus on helping her heal in whatever way I can. There are many things I need to do, and I am willing to do those things, learning from my big mistake to become a better partner and person overall. But to be honest, a quick engagement was not really what I had in mind as the first and best thing to be doing in a situation such as this. That is not to say I would never have wanted to get engaged to her in the future. I expressed this to my girlfriend, but she is standing (very) firm in her belief that unless we become engaged now, we will have to break up. I understand she needs to build back her trust. I understand she needs me to be committed (both to her and to fixing my own personal problems). I understand she needs time and love and everything else to fix her pain. But something is nagging at the back of my mind...is this the best course of action for us to take so soon after a traumatic event? Again, I feel bad for even talking about my feelings here when it is her feelings that have been so hurt by my actions. To disagree with what she wants feels wrong in this situation, as I know this is a time when I should be doing all I can to help her.
But: If I hadn't fucked up like I did, we would not be getting engaged yet. My best guess would be that it would have been at least 6 months before we would have seriously brought up the issue of engagement and talk of the future again. Yes, she had talked a number of times about our future together and what she wanted out of me before the infidelity incident. I had always remained positive, agreeing that her ideas seemed great but suggesting we should keep things as they are and give it some time to see how we go over the next year. I was sincere, and she had agreed. In other words, we hadn't decided to become engaged yet – both of us had not yet made a serious commitment to our future and were happy the way things were. I realise I screwed all that up by my actions.
Now, the pressure is there to make such a commitment, and quickly. And I do feel pressured. But I also feel bad for feeling pressured, if that makes sense. Is this unfair for me to say considering the terrible thing that I did to her? Should I just suck it up and do what she asks of me? Or, is she being a bit unfair on me by giving me what is essentially an engagement/commitment ultimatum?
My own thoughts were that we should go to professional counseling together, open up all of our issues and be totally honest with each other in order to better understand ourselves and try and rebuild the relationship. We could also both get back into our work and in our spare time do positive things together (sports, fitness, etc.). Then, after some time, we could assess how we are feeling. But she is of the opinion that an engagement is necessary first. And she really genuinely seems very willing to forgive me and move on if I agree to this!
Finally, I should point out one other thing. My girlfriend is 10 years older than I am – she is 36, and I am 26. The age difference has never worried me (people who first meet us believe we are the same age, or that she is younger) and we get along very well most of the time! I only mention it because at the back of my mind I wonder if her sudden pressure to engage may also have something to do with her age and not just the fact that I hurt her by being unfaithful. I may be wrong.
Anyway, I'd like to hear some opinions from you guys on what you think of this situation. I'm prepared to be told how much of a terrible person I am for doing what I did, and that maybe I don't deserve anyone etc. I accept that. But also:
Have any of you had a once off cheating experience and told your partner? If so, what did they do? Women, do you think a quick engagement would be a way for you to 'get over' an incident like infidelity and start to move on? Is such a demand acceptable considering the seriousness of what I did to her?
There are many who say you should never feel pressured into a commitment. But on the other hand, after someone cheats and they are offered forgiveness they should really be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship, right?
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 15 months. Last month, we went overseas together for a four week period. A few days before the trip ended, we both went out on a bender/bar crawl. Long story short, she went home at 2am and I stayed out. I was unfaithful to her that night.
My actions were extremely selfish, totally foolish and dangerous, and seemingly without any logical reasoning. Was I was out of my mind? Yes, in a sense, but I still can't really come to terms with how or why I did what I did. It was fucked up, and I'm full of guilt. It was the first time I'd done anything similar, and it was way out of character. I'll move on before it seems like I'm begging for sympathy, because I'm aware I shouldn't be. This post is not so much about the cheating incident itself, but rather the aftermath.
I told my girlfriend what I did a day and a half later. My guilt was eating me up, and I couldn't stand lying to her. Obviously, she was shattered. I won't go into the details of the situation that was created between us, but as you would expect it was a deeply emotional and difficult time for her. We talked about everything for hours, and then talked some more. There was no anger, just sadness and confusion mostly.
It's now about two weeks since the incident occurred, and we are back living together in our home country. We are still together but things are not completely resolved. In the aftermath, the situation has become more complicated. I will try and break it down as simply as possible.
Despite what I did to her, my girlfriend still loves me and I love her as well (Yes, I know...how I could do something so bad to someone I love is something I still have not come to terms with, but it happened and I cannot take it back). Clearly her heart has been broken, but it is not beyond repair. She has made big mistakes in the past, and learnt from them. In this situation, she is of the opinion that I deserve a second chance - and for this I am extremely thankful. She wants to and is willing to forgive me...with one condition: We must get engaged (as soon as possible) otherwise she will not have the trust and commitment from me that she needs to be able to move on and rebuild the relationship.
This is a hard time for her, and I know I must always put her feelings at the forefront of my mind and focus on helping her heal in whatever way I can. There are many things I need to do, and I am willing to do those things, learning from my big mistake to become a better partner and person overall. But to be honest, a quick engagement was not really what I had in mind as the first and best thing to be doing in a situation such as this. That is not to say I would never have wanted to get engaged to her in the future. I expressed this to my girlfriend, but she is standing (very) firm in her belief that unless we become engaged now, we will have to break up. I understand she needs to build back her trust. I understand she needs me to be committed (both to her and to fixing my own personal problems). I understand she needs time and love and everything else to fix her pain. But something is nagging at the back of my mind...is this the best course of action for us to take so soon after a traumatic event? Again, I feel bad for even talking about my feelings here when it is her feelings that have been so hurt by my actions. To disagree with what she wants feels wrong in this situation, as I know this is a time when I should be doing all I can to help her.
But: If I hadn't fucked up like I did, we would not be getting engaged yet. My best guess would be that it would have been at least 6 months before we would have seriously brought up the issue of engagement and talk of the future again. Yes, she had talked a number of times about our future together and what she wanted out of me before the infidelity incident. I had always remained positive, agreeing that her ideas seemed great but suggesting we should keep things as they are and give it some time to see how we go over the next year. I was sincere, and she had agreed. In other words, we hadn't decided to become engaged yet – both of us had not yet made a serious commitment to our future and were happy the way things were. I realise I screwed all that up by my actions.
Now, the pressure is there to make such a commitment, and quickly. And I do feel pressured. But I also feel bad for feeling pressured, if that makes sense. Is this unfair for me to say considering the terrible thing that I did to her? Should I just suck it up and do what she asks of me? Or, is she being a bit unfair on me by giving me what is essentially an engagement/commitment ultimatum?
My own thoughts were that we should go to professional counseling together, open up all of our issues and be totally honest with each other in order to better understand ourselves and try and rebuild the relationship. We could also both get back into our work and in our spare time do positive things together (sports, fitness, etc.). Then, after some time, we could assess how we are feeling. But she is of the opinion that an engagement is necessary first. And she really genuinely seems very willing to forgive me and move on if I agree to this!
Finally, I should point out one other thing. My girlfriend is 10 years older than I am – she is 36, and I am 26. The age difference has never worried me (people who first meet us believe we are the same age, or that she is younger) and we get along very well most of the time! I only mention it because at the back of my mind I wonder if her sudden pressure to engage may also have something to do with her age and not just the fact that I hurt her by being unfaithful. I may be wrong.
Anyway, I'd like to hear some opinions from you guys on what you think of this situation. I'm prepared to be told how much of a terrible person I am for doing what I did, and that maybe I don't deserve anyone etc. I accept that. But also:
Have any of you had a once off cheating experience and told your partner? If so, what did they do? Women, do you think a quick engagement would be a way for you to 'get over' an incident like infidelity and start to move on? Is such a demand acceptable considering the seriousness of what I did to her?
There are many who say you should never feel pressured into a commitment. But on the other hand, after someone cheats and they are offered forgiveness they should really be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship, right?
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
You shouldn't get engaged unless you want to. Not because you feel you have to.
