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Busy. And depressed.

G

geoffreychaucer

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2010
Messages
117
Location
Chicago
It seems like on here everyone always suggests getting involved in things to help ween oneself off of drugs. So what do you do if you are busy, have an active life, and are very depressed? I go to class 5 days a week, work 3 days a week and I hate my life pretty much. I also take kratom once a day so maybe that has something to do with it. I really want to quit kratom; I only take it once a day and when it works, it relieves my symptoms but when it dosen't work, man do I get depressed. It certainly pisses me off when I take a large dose of this drug I'm addicted to and I feel worse than I did before. So fuck this. I want out. I've had a habit on and off for a year and a half but the last run has been once a day, every day for the past three months. Its just I don't really know if I'm going to be able handle life without it. I mean, I kinda hate my life, that's why I use. School is okay, but I don't like the pressure and I pretty much hate my job. I'm thinking of quitting since I don't even need the money; I live with my parents. I don't know, I could use some support or suggestions. Its just, activities seem to be an idea people always have for helping quit drugs, and I have activities. They don't make me happy though.
 
Besides school and work, what else are you interested in doing? Do you spend a lot of time with friends?
 
So besides going on bike rides for fun, which I luckily still do, I have no time for anything it seems. My schoolwork takes up so much time, I hate it. I don't look forward that much to a week of classes but I absolutely hate the weekends since I work Sat. and Sun. and do HW and study the rest of the time. And I don't really have any friends around. I was at a school where I had lots of friends but I transfered specifically because I had too many people around who knew me and it gave me really bad anxiety so much that I didn't want to leave my dorm room. So now I go to a big school that I commute to and I've met a few people but don't really have anyone to meet up with. Not that I really want to anymore since I don't even know what to do with people. I'm lonely I guess but I was lonely when I was at a place where I had unlimited social interactions. I just can't really relate to people my age although I seem super social and outgoing when I talk to people. Absolutely no one would ever guess I felt this way since I seem like the opposite in public. The kratom does that to me.
 
Find activities that you enjoy not just ones to keep busy. And school, well if you aren't interested in your classes that could be the problem. Do some research and find courses that grab your attention and give them a try.
 
I like the subject a lot, biochemistry. It definitely interests me. But obviously any major you choose includes a fair number of classes that are not that interesting. That's really how college works. The real issue I guess is stress and anxiety. If I feel stress and anxiety above my limit, which is probably a low limit, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, I'm going to be very depressed. I am a perfectionist but college seems to be designed assuming that people will not put in a lot of effort. So we get a ton of work because the profs assume if people do most of the work then they will learn what they need to. But me, if I am assigned work I have to put in a good effort. Or I will at least try. And this attempt to do a good job in my school work in addition to my job leaves me stressed, and then, depressed. It doesn't help that I don't have much of an actual life. Everyday my motivation is the opioid release I get from my cup of kratom tea. Without that, I would have very little to look forward to. Not because I don't enjoy any school, or even work, related activities. Its just that without the anxiety reducing properties of kratom, all the little things I have to do wouldn't be fun because I would only feel anxiety from them and none of the fun. When I'm on kratom, a difficult lab with my peers seems like a challenging yet interesting growing opportunity The way a mentally healthy person should feel. Without kratom, all I can see is work I have to get done that I can't enjoy because I have to do a good job and I feel too much pressure. So I guess anxiety is the root cause of all this. But its not like I would rather get addicted to prescribed benzos than kratom. Obviously taking kratom everyday for anxiety is prefereable to benzos. Its just an issue when the kratom dosen't work like its "supposed" to. Which happens when I take too much or I just have too much anxiety that even the kratom can't block out. And when I'm anxious or depressed and on kratom, that's when its really bad. Because I am without any other means. If the kratom doesn't work, I have nothing.
 
Hey geoff.. I know where you are coming from as far as the stress associated with a tuff major in school combined with all the stress of a job and real life.. I studied a pretty tuff degree, while taking care of a newborn to toddler, as well as owning my own business, dealing with a drug addiction and some decent legal hassles.. It overwhelming if you let it. What I did was planed and used my time as efficiently as possible, did all that I could and then let it go, It seemed to me that with all that I had on my plate, there was never enough time for even close to all I wanted to do, so I did everything I could and then just let the stress go.. after all it really only impedes you and does nothing for you. Do all you can within reason and then relax knowing you did the best you could and thats all you could do. the outcome of the finals or whatever is going to be what its going to be.. and allot of stress burns you out and makes you perform worse. I also found that it wasn't how long I studied It was how efficient my mind worked while studying, so I took ten minutes off each hour of study and made time for exercise at least four days a week. After I let go of the stress and figured out what made my mind perform the best I did better in my courses, spent a bit less time studying and got allot more out of it, and had a much better time doing it. I think the reason shools dump so much work is to force us to teach ourselves to be efficient and to show future employers that we can handle jumping through a billion hoops.. good luck:)
 
I know that feeling all too well. I've had times when I've taken opiates and they just- for some reason- don't work. It's infuriating in a way because you're looking for that relief at the end of the day.

You're totally right- it's not worth the trouble. The drug has become more of a nuisance than the problem it was meant to correct.

I, myself, have been tapering. Marijuana has also helped cover up some of the depression. Actually weed and biking have really been a savior for me. I live in Cali and I bring a one hitter and weed on my bike rides in the mountains around here. Taking in nature and getting some sun works wonders. It really helps get away from that w/d feeling. Even for a while.

Also, to some degree you just have to accept that you're going to feel some discomfort during this process. I'm going through very much the same as you. Just keep in mind this is temporary. It WILL pass.
 
Oh, man - In retrospect, all the trouble spent on using really makes the whole process seem ridiculous, doesn't it? I totally feel you on that one!

Biochemistry, eh? That's so awesome :) What a fascinating field! I am a Biological Psychology major, but my minor was in the neurosciences and I'm pretty well-versed in biochem, too. And I will most definitely affirm what you have said - theres a lot, academically, that it takes (both in variety and intensity) to do well in that subject in undergraduate school.

Props to you for having the inner power to keep up with that! That is no easy accomplishment, not by any stretch. Your work ethic is really impressive.

This job of yours - Is it menial work to support yourself as you get through school? What kind of passion (if any) do you have for the work itself, the environment or your co-workers? I remember my junior year at college, as I was beginning to enter my 400-level classes, I worked as a deli clerk at a grocery store. See, when you work at the deli, it's really not your responsibility to be accountable for the rest of the store. The deli is your business. Yet I found myself getting flipped off and cursed at on a daily basis for not knowing, for instance, specifically which aisle the kosher pickles were in. The conditions at the deli were bad enough - and I was working so hard in the other areas of my life - the last thing I wanted to hear was someone telling me off for being pickle-illiterate. Times were difficult.
Looking back on those days, I was under chronic stress. It sounds as though you are, too, geoffreychaucer. But despite the issues you discuss with us here, you appear to be doing a superb job.

theseeker mentioned something that struck me, especially as I now reminisce on those days:

theseeker said:
Also, to some degree you just have to accept that you're going to feel some discomfort during this process.
Click to expand...

I used to hate hearing people tell me that. As I've grown a little since college, I have come to realize that discomfort in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Discomfort can be provocative. Discomfort can afford us the opportunity to change that which we are unhappy with. Discomfort can be motivating. But, in the moment, doesn't that seem so ass-backwards? I am sure it must seem that way, now.

I should also mention that I am in recovery from... well... damn near everything. I can't pinpoint a single class of drugs, lol. In the early days I just did not understand what the hell people were really driving at when they suggested that I find activities to do. My thought process was in its infancy again - an inevitability when trying to take on life without chemical adjuncts - and I remember being left thinking, "What - Should I join a book club?? What is that going to do for me??" But I want to reiterate the point that was graciously made already in this thread: Find activities, yes. We all need activities. But find activities that in some way relate to *you* - to YOUR interests, and whose demographics fit YOUR personality. Doing an activity based solely on the fact that it's an "activity" always left me feeling even emptier inside. Feeling unfulfilled after taking the suggestions that were given to me left me feeling more prone to developing a case of the "fuck-its" and returning to the easier, softer path of drug use and abuse. And to be honest, a lot of the activities that I participated in in my first year of staying away from the hard drugs I was addicted to revolved around internet communities. I found the internet a tremendous hub for both inspiration for my quest to remain sober and, additionally, for discovering from others interesting hobbies that I could never have just come up with on my own if someone had asked me to what it is I'd like to do.

Patience with the process, acceptance of the discomfort, and daily affirmations of gratitude for what you've got already will yield the most otherworldly results. I keep a fortune from a fortune cookie in my wallet to remind me of the virtue in going with the ebb and flow of life. It reads: "The most beautiful adventures are those we have not intentionally sought." It's been in my wallet for seven years, now. I can't tell you how grateful I am that, seven years ago, I had a ravenous lust for pork lo mien.
:)
Breathe. You are doing very well. And your 'beautiful adventure' will begin. It will. In the meantime - and in the midst of the discomfort - remember: Patience. Acceptance. Gratitude.

Yourself is waiting for you.

~ Vaya
 
Thanks everyone for the responses. A lot has happened in the past week. I got put in the mood disorder unit of the hospital and was there for 5 nights. The doctors diagnosed me with not depression but a form of bipolar instead. Now I am clean of drugs and taking mood stabilizers, lithium, and anti-psychotics, quetiapine. I also quit my job. So things are better. I also am developing a new sense of apathy as to getting good grades and that makes me happier too.
 
congratulations.. geoff.. I hope this helps you immensely... if it is bipolar two.. explore lamictal with your drs if the lithium doesn't work as well as you want.. <3<3 also explore the real motivation behind your life path:?.
 
neversickanymore said:
congratulations.. geoff.. I hope this helps you immensely... if it is bipolar two.. explore lamictal with your drs if the lithium doesn't work as well as you want.. <3<3 also explore the real motivation behind your life path:?.
Click to expand...

To qualify myself, I am no licensed doctor and my forthcoming suggestions are purely anecdotal. Any meds you take must have their pros and cons weighed between you and your doctor!

The above suggestion of Lamictal was a sound one - it is not heavy and emotion-wiping, because its an AED (anti-epileptic drug). I had tremendous success with it, but was forced to discontinue treatment due to a rare allergic reaction.

Another tremendously solid AED for Mood Disorder, which i am currently prescribed, is gabapentin (Neurontin).

But, above all else my man, I'm so very glad to see/hear you're out of treatment and doing relatively better! Welcome back :)

~ Vaya
 
<3 Hey geoff, the way you choose to look at the world determines how it is.. if you are able to change the way you think about life and what inevitably come with it, then you will change what it is, as well as your reaction to it. If you change your reaction to life, even though we can never change life that much, then you control and determine your reaction (emotion and mood). We never will be able to control life, but we do control how we look at it, and with that we determine how it is, life is how you perceive it, period. Our perception is based on our beliefs. So what we think is the way it is. Also figure out what important to you and believe in it!! Why, because otherwise the success of our life is based on the opinions of others, and our mood is determined buy our success; therefore in our minds they will control how we are doing and thus control how we feel. By adopting different views you can dramatically influence your mood. Best of luck geof.
 
School and work are not the same thing as having fun. I have to remind a lot of people of this who are busy but depressed. Not just any activity will do, it has to be something you actually enjoy.
 
Yeah I definitely am coming to a lot of somewhat new realizations. First and foremost: no one is comparing you to other people. I was working hard at a job not because I needed to or even because I enjoyed it. Rather, I was doing it because I felt compelled to put myself through a demanding schedule. I felt I had to be working hard simply because I would feel too much guilt otherwise, guilt at feeling happy and relaxed. Thankfully, I am developing healthier mindsets now. I think these drugs I'm taking, quetiapine and lithium might help with feelings of guilt and compulsions. I have had irrational feelings of guilt literally as long as I've been alive and I'm finally confronting them as what they are; irrational, unhealthy, and unnecessary thoughts. Learning to see your own thoughts as unrealistic is difficult but essential to overcoming mental illness. A thought is nothing more than a thought.
 
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