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Need advice on how to deal with a fucked-up, violent, psychopathic father

Thanks very much for all the answers, I really appreciate every piece of advice and sympathy that's been given to me.

To respond to those of you asking why I'm even staying in touch with him - as I said, he's paying for my uni fees/living expenses and I can't afford to live without that help right now. Although I don't have one at the moment, I have been working part-time jobs parallel to my uni work because I don't want to feel like I'm leeching off him, especially since I'm using some of that money to buy drugs. So it's not as if I planned on just living off him forever, it's just at 19 I don't see how it would be remotely possible for me to pay for university without my parents' help. I do have a student loan but it doesn't cover everything. I know I've been very lucky my whole life when it comes to money, because my father does make a lot, but as I said, I haven't just been basking in it without trying to help and fend for myself. It just kills me that he's using money as an excuse to try and have more power over me when we both know it isn't any kind of a real issue for him, just some horrible need to control me or whatever the fuck it is.
Ideally I would manage to find a high-paying job this summer or something and just cut myself off from him entirely so that he can't blackmail me into anything with money anymore, but I don't see how that's possible. I'm going to do my best but classes are just so expensive...

I could also just stay in London (where I'm studying) the whole time and just never come back to Paris (where my family lives) but that would mean never seeing my mom, siblings & all my old/close friends. I can't sacrifice all that just to avoid seeing my father. And unfortunately when I am in Paris I have to stay at home (for obvious financial reasons).

I don't know why my mother is staying with him and turning her back on his actions. She's very well aware of the fact that he hits me and she's seen it herself plenty of times. I've had countless discussions about it with her and she just begs me not to tell anybody, so I don't. I just don't want to risk making things worse. He's not physically violent with either my brother (who's 15 btw) or my sister so I just hope that they'll manage to grow up relatively okay and that no one else needs to be involved.

I know I'm playing my part in this since I'm the one choosing to keep in touch for the financial support, but as I tried to explain I just don't know how else I could possibly stay in university, especially considering London is one of the most expensive cities in the world. owen I do like your idea of writing him a calm letter next time I go back. I'm skeptical about what that would achieve but it's certainly worth a shot. This whole thing has just been particularly difficult for me recently because he'd sent me an e-mail a couple weeks ago apologising for the way he'd treated me my whole life, so I expected everything to be better once I got home. Realising it was just a load of bullshit and nothing had changed about how much he hated me was really a pretty huge blow.

Thank you <3
 
Pagey, i am almost in tears whenever i read about this...
OK for what its worth, my thoughts are that he hates himself, and is projecting his hatred onto you and your family... theres nothing you can do about that, at this late stage in your life unless he really gets his shit sorted rapidly, which is probably unlikely as he will have been in that frame of mind for pretty much ever.
Forgiveness, is one option, but I doubt that it would become feasible without some sort of recognizance and apology for his actions from him to be valid.
Extraction, well you definately dont need to be in his presence.
Criminal/abuse charges, .. its doubtful that they would be finished before the cancer finished its work... but weirder things have happened.
I would love it if all BL could set up a paypal "lets get pagey through college" fund and then you could fuck him right off and protect your sister and, well as far as your Mum goes, as much as she is a a product of the generation, really, she knows whats wrong is wrong, and she has enabled this to continue.
You dont need him you to die with you hating him, that would be tragic, I think that writing him a letter, as suggested above is the best. No doubt he is scared, but wtf, thats how he is now, and this is not a new behaviour from him.
Someone should have a long time time ago given him a smack in the head and told him that being a brutal ass is not a good way to bring up kids, or maintain a healthy relationship.
I say this as a father to a 21 year old daughter and a 19 year old son, and honestly, if I acted like that, I would ask them to shoot me.
Sorry, I have no answers, but I really hope that he has a fortune stashed away in his will for you, or that you get first dibs at under the mattress.

Pagey from all the helpful and positive vibes that you sendout to he BL community, I am so sorry that this shit is happening to you. You are a good person, and really focus on the minute, as long as this point in time is a good one, forget about the past and future , focus on the now (paraphrased badly from footscrazy,)
 
Pagey said:
owen I do like your idea of writing him a calm letter next time I go back. I'm skeptical about what that would achieve but it's certainly worth a shot.
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Don't expect it to achieve anything in terms of his behaviour. Maybe ask straight why he is like the way he is when it causes you and your family so much pain, but don't expect an answer. Treat it as a form of therapy for yourself to allow you to get out what you need to get out to level your own head as much as possible and nothing more, then you can't be disappointed. Above all, and despite how hard it might be, remember that on the most base level you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness and try to grow with empowerment that realisation brings.
 
Firstly, i am so sorry this is what you have to put up with, it sounds very confusing to live through. Don't try and understand why your mum stays with him, you won't ever fully know is my guess. The only thing you can do is to decide upon your personal boundaries and stick to them. Protect yourself. Have you thought of writing to your mum and stating just how much this man hurts you all? If you can lay your position on the line then you will have a better idea of where she stands in relation to it.

As to him hitting you. Pagey, please consider calling the police and reporting an assault, seriously. It may be a wake up call as to how far he has strayed from the acceptable. Ultimately it will be an expression of your strength to keep yourself.safe. He also deserves to be punished for this. Family situations that are built around secrecy tend to fester and pushing them into the public eye can do a lot to break them down. While you keep his secrets for him you are helping to continue his behaviour. I don't mean any of it is your fault. Ever. But that you are being drawn in against your will to his sickness of mind.

I grew up with an alcoholic father so i know a little of how these things work and above all it just HURTS. I have forgiven my dad for what he did and to some extent, continues to do but i don't forget. I see him for what he is. But god did it hurt. And i ended up having a heroin problem too which became a way for me to continue to hurt myself and put myself down when he wasn't around. Sounds like you may be doing the same.

As for advice, i would look towards severing all financial ties with him as soon as you can. Which i imagine means after uni. Get that done and then just live in the UK. And let them know exactly why too. You can always go back and visit them whilst being very clear that he is the reason you don't live with or near them any more. You can definitely get a job to pay the rent or even just squat for a while, just get out of the trap. If you ask for help.from those around you you can generally get by. Especially if they know why you're asking.

Best thing i ever did was put some distance between me and my mum n dad, took a long time too but was always the right decision. Good luck pagey, and don't beat yourself up for self medicating. We do what we need to to survive and push forward. We can only cope with so much at a time.
 
Just wanted to add something Pagey. Spoke to my gf who used to work as a domestic violence advisor and she said it'd be worth getting in touch with your local advisory service. They wouldn't go reporting him to social services or generally taking decisions out of your hands but rather they would help you to explore your options and feelings around it all. There should be a few in London so just do a Google search of em and see what comes up.

Hope you're doing ok.
 
Thanks very much for the latest answers.

He hasn't spoken to me since that fight I mentioned in the OP, so it's been about a week. He does this, yells at me/hits me, and then literally just ignores me until I apologise. It's pathetic. I've stopped apologising though, and to be honest I prefer it this way anyway. It's not as if he had anything to say that I wanted to hear.
I was speaking to one of my closest friends here in Paris about this last night and she said that I could stay at her place this summer if I wanted to, since otherwise I'll have to deal with my father for almost 4 months straight, which I just can't handle. So it's good to know I have that option at least.
And yeah. I'll just continue to use his money until I can get myself out of this. Just wish he didn't have that to hold over my head.

pteque, I've been seeing therapists/shrinks for years for various issues, and my father's been brought up and discussed a number of times. It hasn't helped me that much so far though. I dunno. It's good to be able to speak to someone about it but it doesn't really change anything.

amnesiaseizure, I've told my mother lots of times how he makes me feel. We've had a lot of conversations abotu it and each one just leaves me more confused about why she stays with him. She knows what's going on but just chooses not to realise how much it hurts me/our family. She's been a fantastic mother to all of us and I don't want to do anything to hurt her more, which is why I'm hesitant to speak to the police or whatever. But I'll consider your advice about getting in touch with an advisory service, thank you.
This might sound weird but I almost wish he had an alcohol or drug problem to explain his behaviour. It's just so sick that he does it all in his 'right' mind. And in the meantime I'm the one ruining my life with heroin and he's responsible for such a huge part of that. It just doesn't feel fair.
 
Pagey said:
I'm the one ruining my life with heroin and he's responsible for such a huge part of that.
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I completely and totally disagree.

You are the one choosing to take heroin, to blame it on him is really childish imo. It is your choice and no one elses. He is responsible for the abuse he is handing out, you are responsible for choosing to react to it in that manner.
 
I didn't mean it like that. I know ultimately I'm the one who chooses but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a part of responsibility in fucking me up to the point that I feel that's the only option to deal with it. I honestly don't care if that's immature or childish. I've always been the mature one in my relationship with him and honestly, considering everything I'm going to blame him for whatever the hell I want. He's never had any trouble blaming me for embarrassing and humiliating him when I've done everything I could to get him to be proud of me. Or blaming me for currently having a black eye from where he hit me last week because apparently, that's my fault, as well as the permanent scar and marks on my side from being chucked against a glass pane a few years ago. So I'm not going to have any trouble blaming him for making me feel like drugs are the only way out.
 
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If you want to do that then that's fine but I would suggest that it's a counter-productive attitude. I understand why you feel that way but it's not going to help you in your life. I'm not trying to criticise you, I'm just offering my opinion. I think most people who end up addicted to hard drugs have lots of good excuses for doing so but they're exactly that really, just excuses. We take the drugs because we want to and because we're not prepared to deal with reality like other people are. He is not responsible for making you feel like drugs are the only way out, loads of people go through exactly the same thing as you and don't ruin their lives with drugs. It's a really shitty situation and I feel for you, but ultimately it is down to you how you deal with it and shifting responsibility for your actions on to other people is only going to stop you from living the sort of life you want to in the long run (I'm guessing you don't want to be addicted to smack?).

I'm not having a go at you, god knows I've been guilty of the same sort of shit over the years, it's just a really unhealthy attitude to be taking and it won't be any good for you in the long run. I know you probably don't want too hear it but hey, I'd rather say something that I felt was of value despite the fact it might piss you off than just say what you want to hear.

:)<3
 
It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. I'm not making excuses for myself. As I said, I'm very well aware I'm the one who chooses to take it in the end but that doesn't mean there haven't been outside influences, just like for most people who get addicted to drugs.
Whatever. I don't want or need to hear the whole 'it's because you're too weak to actually deal with real emotions' speech again, I know it well enough.
 
I'm not having a go at you, just voicing an opinion. You say you're not making excuses but this:

Pagey said:
I'm the one ruining my life with heroin and he's responsible for such a huge part of that.
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...really sounds like you are. Call it an explanation if you want, but when it comes down to it it's just a way of shifting blame for something of your own creation on to someone else imo. It was a way of thinking that was really damaging for me so I just thought I would encourage you to think about your attitude in relation to this. Sometimes (usually?) the things we want to hear the least are the things we need to hear the most.

Anyway, peace.
 
I'm very well aware that I'm fucking my life up with drugs. I don't need to be told that and I don't need to be told it's my fault. It's only very recently that I've realised that it isn't actually my fault how my father's treated me (because believe me, that was very damaging for a very long time), quite frankly I've taken responsibility for a shitload of things in my life that I'm not responsible for and I'm fucking sick of doing that so no offense but I'm not going to bother defending what I said.

I know you mean it in a good way but it's just not appropriate for reasons I don't want to get into and you couldn't know anyway, so let's just end this argument yeah ?
 
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I'm not asking you to defend yourself and I'm not saying that you need to be told that it's your fault. I hope you don't think it is my intention to try and make you feel as if you are at fault, that is not the aim. It's not about telling you that you are to blame for fucking your life up with drugs, it's about empowering you to understand and believe that you are responsible for your own actions and don't have to believe that you are corralled in to a certain pattern of behaviour by what has happened to you.

You posted something on an open forum that I felt deserved comment and I posted my opinion. That is the joy of such a forum, you will receive a variety of different viewpoints and you can pick and choose what you listen to.
 
I know, I get that. It's just that doesn't mean others haven't played their part in influencing some of my thoughts or actions.
 
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Good luck Pagey <3
 
I never actually took issue with that statement (although I would, he can influence your thoughts but your actions are entirely your own), I took issue with you saying that he was responsible in part for your drug taking.

I'm not here to argue though, I made the point that I wanted to and I have no desire to try and press it on you any further. I hope things start improving with your familial relationships in the future as it sounds like you've had a really tough time. Did you decide whether you were going to write him a letter out of interest?
 
Mel22 said:
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Good luck Pagey <3
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I like this, where is it from?
 
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