Need advice on how to deal with a fucked-up, violent, psychopathic father

[Pagey]

Title says it all. I fucking despise my father more than anything in the world and more than I can describe. I'm fuming right now because I just had a fight with him so this is going to be extremely disconnected and angry but whatever. He's hit me regularly ever since I can remember and in the past couple of years that's escalated to my head getting bashed against the wall more than a few times. He does the same with my mother and he has no problem doing it in front of my siblings either, one of whom's 8 years old and fucking terrified of him.
I moved out ~6 months ago mostly because of him and now live in another country. I came home for a couple weeks a few days ago and my mom wanted to take me to Amsterdam for a couple days cuz we haven't spent time together in years. For fuck knows what reason my dad decided to come as well. Last night he got mad at me because I wasn't talking much due to being in the middle of bupe WDs (I didn't say that obviously, they have no idea about my drug use, I just said I felt sick) which apparently is reason enough to be insulted. Anyway he just started walking ahead of us with the bag with the phones, maps, whatever, and left my mom, sister and me lost in the middle of Amsterdam at night with no fucking idea how to get back to the hotel. Took us 3 hours to find it, and when we got there he started yelling at my mother for taking so long before throwing her against the wall, screaming at my sister for starting to cry and forcing she and I to get out of the room. Next thing I know he's left back home to Paris with the car.
He came back this morning and everyone's pretending nothing happened. I spent the day swallowing benzo after benzo to stop myself from having a go at him. Anyway fast forward to about 30 mn ago, it's around 2 am and I'm on my computer trying to do some work. I'm in a seperate room at the hotel so it's not as if I'm bothering anyone. He comes into my room and tells me to turn my computer off and go to bed (well, orders rather, not as if he was saying it nicely). I tell him I'm wide awake and getting work done so no, I don't want to turn my computer off and lie in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. Which leads him to grabbing my computer, chucking it away from me and smacking me across the face before telling me he's going to stop paying for my uni fees and he's going to 'confiscate my computer'. Bear in mind I'm 19 and I don't even fucking live at home anymore.
He eventually left, thank god, and I've now locked myself in the bathroom.

I'm telling all this by way of an example of two typical days with that fucking cunt. WHich is a word I hate to use but I can't think of anything else that would work right now. I've been a perfect fucking daughter my whole life. I've done everything I could to make him proud of me and to make him stop telling me he wished I'd never been born. I never got into any kind of trouble. I got nominated to participate in the most fucking prestigious literary contest in France last year. I got into one of the fucking top 20s unis in the world. I swear to god I'm not bragging about any of this, I'm just trying to understand why the fuck he hates me so much when I've been nothing but a good daughter. I can't deal with this anymore. I've tried, I really have, but I don't have anymore strength left for this. I dealt with it by turning to heroin but it's not enough anymore, I don't have it in me to let myself be hurt and abused even more and to watch it happen to the rest of my family as well. My mom won't leave him. I don't know why. She refuses to. He has stomach cancer and a few weeks ago it looked like it was the end but apparently now he's getting better. It's got a fucking 5% survival rate and he's the one who has to be getting better. If he survives I don't know what I'll do. I want him out of our lives and dead so he can't ruin anyone else's. Please just tell me how to deal with this because I just don't know. I can't do it.

Sorry for how long this is. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. Rest of the team, if this is too heavy for SLR I'll move it over to TDS, I wasn't really sure and I know more people here so yeah.

 

[DrunkardsDream]

I'm sorry that your dad is like this or that he is abusive; but maybe he is very scared since he has cancer? Is it possible that you could live close to your parents but not live with them? Or you could tell your mother and siblings that you want to see them without your dad since he gets like that? Good luck.

 

[fairnymph]

Aw hun, that's fucking terrible. My mother is a lot like your father but not physically abusive. I did everything right, everything expected of me, perfect grades, ivy league education, etc. I have never been good enough for her. It only got better once I stopped being financially dependent on her and then I cut her out of my life completely. Your situation is so much worse and it's not just you being abused. At this point, though, I'd really recommend you focus on extricating yourself. It will likely mean you won't get to see much of your mum and siblings, but you can't help them unless you help yourself first. There are ways of getting financial assistance for education when you're in a situation like this. I would pursue that route so he can't ever threaten your education again. Become as independent as possible so he can't hold anything over your head.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Sorry to hear that.

My father was awful too. I think you need to stop beating yourself up and trying to please him. You know you're a good daughter and achieved a lot. He will always be unsatisfied and you just have to accept that. Your mother chose her fate by staying with him. There's nothing you can do for her.

You need to focus on putting space in between your father. I just started ignoring my father (silent treatment).. it seems odd but it eventually worked. Just avoid going over the house and meet your other family members outside of the house. You need to make sure to bond with your sister. Take her out somewhere fun! Go to lunch with your mom! Do things outside the house and just start spacing. You're only going to hurt yourself more trying to answer "why?".

 

[pofacedhoe]

thats savage. the reason why people are violent repeatedly is because someone is tolerating it

why has your mum stayed with a violent husband? its one thing for him to hit her but for her to stay with him when he's beating up his children is quite another.

sounds like social services should be involved because thats just child abuse

keep the uni fees at bay for now because on your own they will financially cripple you and you want to have a good start when you finish. so for now he has a purpose.

also stop self medicating because you are better off feeling your emotions and being aware of what is right and wrong and what is the next step. this man must be relatively wealthy to be funding that particular uni's fees

you dont deserve this- he is just a controlling vindictive childish bully from what you have described

 

[Tude]

It's a very good sign that you realize what all your (amazing) accomplishments are. Deep inside, you actually know that you don't deserve the treatment your father dishes out. He hates you because he can't control you, and you have something he'll never have-your intelligence. You can't do anything to save your mother-it's her choice to stay with a man who abuses her children. I know you live in another country, but try continue maintaining some sort of contact with your younger sibling (s). Make them realize your father's behavior is his fault, not theirs.

By the way, sorry you've had to endure this.

 

[T. Calderone]

sounds like social services should be involved because thats just child abuse

He smacked you across the face and letting this go is just doing what your mother does, which is pretending it's not so bad. This is assault, don't they have laws to help battered women? It's terrible your family has to endure this abuse. Your mother chose to stay with him but that doesn't make it alright. You're right to worry about your sister. She's the next victim and you don't know when it's just a matter of time before he hurts her. There has got to be resources that help women gain their independence against abusers. If your mom doesn't want help, urge her to do something for her children. I am so sorry this happened to you Pagey.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Wow, this puts my slightly soul crushing weekend in perspective a bit.

Clearly, this is all totally unacceptable behaviour on his part, and I do have to wonder what would make a man want to do that to his family. I could only imagine a handyman of scenarios and of course none of those excuse it in the slightest. They are the actions of a coward. I don't agree with people who are making judgements on why he is like this though because the reality is we just don't know and speculation is futile imo.

The situation you are in is somewhat of a catch 22 because I guess you will find.d it very hard/impossible to continue with your studies without his financial support. My suggestion would be to write him a letter and give it to him to read before you leave for university again maybe. A calm head putting pen to paper will almost invariably carry a better message than a voice in the heat of an argument. Tell him calmly and clearly exactly how he is making you feel, that you are confused and angry as to why he is doing it and that you are scared for your mother and sister, but keep it constructive. Don't use it as an opportunity to be abusive. I know it seems ridiculous but until it is spelled out in front of someone, they will often not realise just how terrible they are being.

It is possible that a letter such as this will not help at all, but at least it will give you the catharsis of being able to let him know just how you feel in a clear and calm (and this is imperative) way. I would also be very careful about wishing he was dead, how you feel now is not necessarily how you will feel in the future. Whether you like him or not, the death of your father will be a powerful and emotional time in your life and adding the possibility of feeling guilty about wishing him away in to the mix is unnecessary. Don't underestimate how things will affect you and how your opinions might change, it is prudent to try and minimise the opportunity for emotional pain in the future.

I'm sure you know it already and don't want to hear it but try not to find solace in drugs. They will help in the short run but you will most likely pay back with interest at some point. If you have any questions about trying to deal with your addictions feel free to drop me a pm, I'm six months in to clean living myself and might be able to help if you're struggling with anything.

Last, but probably most importantly is this. No matter how much you might disagree or hate to hear it, you DO have your own part in this situation. Whether it be that you are keeping contact because you need the financial support (apologies if I'm wrong) or simply that you are choosing to hold on to certain elements of the emotional distress that you could (with time/practice/help/experience) be letting go of, it will be there. Examining and understanding your own role within a situation is really important in coming to terms with it as a whole, whether you end up deciding you have a significant role or not.

Anyway, I'm rambling, sorry. Keep your chin up, do what is right by yourself and the ones you love and it is possible to be strong through a difficult situation like this.

 

[llama112]

Social services has been mentioned already, but I want to bring it up again. Your 8 year old sibling is scared of him. That says it right there. Kids shouldn't be scared of their parents, not in that way at least. How old are your other siblings? Not that anyone SHOULD be dealing with this but if they are still young, like the 8 year old, then you should probably do something. If they are older than you/close to your age, it isn't quite as big of a deal for you to act on it because they are older, more mature, can handle themselves, etc. It doesn't make it right though.

I wish I understood completely why women (your mom) stay with men (your dad) who abuse them. Does your mom realize she's being abused? Does she realize her kids are being abused? My mom's dad was abusive. I never knew him as he passed away before I was born. But he was abusive to my nana and my mom's brothers (but never my mom). My mom told me that nana just turned a blind eye, pretended it wasn't happening. She just couldn't come to terms with it, thus why she never seeked help. She was in denial. My mom was young (she was 12 when he passed away) so she didn't really understand what was happening until later. So how is your mom in all of this?

I do not know of organizations in France, but I know here in Canada we have plenty of services/organizations that will help in situations like this. Mostly child services, stuff like that, but also some that will protect the abused wife. I am not sure exactly where to start but I do hope you look into them.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Next time it happens call the police. Don't let him continue to get away with it. This will also probably force social services to become involved.

Also, when you return to uni have a talk to the counselor and discuss your options for tuition. Explain the situation. I know it'd be hard to pay for it on your own but you shouldn't let your father hold anything over you

 

[Nortika]

That sounds awful Pagey and I can totally understand why you'd be self medicating.You have every right to be angry tho so dont block it out. Sounds like you need to cut him out of your life. You need to show your siblings that its not acceptable and just because your mother endures it doesnt mean that its right. I hope you are able to leave soon. It will be easier to deal with at a distance.

 

[Beachcat]

Pagey, I have been thinking about this since last night....I have some advice for you, but I want to think about it a little further before I respond, this is a tricky situation.

Huge hugs, though, girl... I hope you are doing ok today.

 

[Beachcat]

Ok... This is going to be long, I have been thinking about this since last night. I am going to be really honest.

First of all, I am deeply upset and sorry that you have had to go through this....this is a devastating issue.

I think you need to initially do whatever you need to to remove yourself from him at the very present time. Get yourself away, back to school and safe.

I have thought a lot about this, and honestly, if it were me I would do whatever I had to do to maintain until he passes away or you graduate. I would invent any excuse not to travel home and put yourself in his presence. I would take his money and limit any contact with him at all. The chances are really excellent that he will pass away before you graduate, even if he is doing well right now, so at most you would have to behave this way for three years?

I am pretty sure that I read you say that you did have a chance to speak with him and let him know how much he had hurt you. I think you said that he acknowledged that. It may not seem worth shit now, but this will be important later. If you need to say these things again before he dies, I absolutely would, but it is good to know that you already said them and that he acknowledged you, even if he did not change his behavior.

Now this next part is the part that everyone will probably question, but I am saying this because I think I also read that after you spoke with him about the ways he has hurt you, you felt a little tenderness for him and a little love? I am sure you did...he is your dad. We are genetically or spiritually programmed to desire a relationship with our fathers, even if they are total dickheads. Underneath all of the hurt and bitterness if you really let yourself look and admit it, there is the desire to love your dad and be loved by him. It is there, it will always be there.

For that reason, I really urge you to think about forgiving him for all of the things that he is done to hurt you. I know you are probably thinking, Beachcat you are crazy there is no way in hell that I could ever forgive that motherfucker for what he has done to me.

But the thing is, forgiving him is not for him. You don't even have to tell him. It is for you. While you carry this burden of resentment, hate, hurt etc towards him, you are harming your heart and your spirit. You are harming yourself by all of the shit you have been doing to hurt yourself.

When you forgive someone, that does not justify what they have done or made it right in any way at all. It is actually a perfect revenge because it sets us free from what the other person did to us. They do not get to win in the end...we do.

Also, forgiveness is a decision to make, it is not a feeling....if you wait for positive feelings to happen, it will never come. You will have to wake up every day and decide to forgive him. For something of this magnitude you can't decide to forgive him once and move on, it won't happen...you will have to do it every day until he dies.

I just don't want him to keep hurting you. With this approach, you attempt to minimize damage to yourself physically and emotionally. I am not sure what to say about your mom and siblings....your mom can take care of herself...she should have acted to take care of her children a long time ago, but failed to do that, so she has issues.

I think I would concentrate my efforts on letting your siblings know you are there for them while you are completely distancing yourself from your dad.

This is just my opinion...whatever you do, I hope you are healthy and happy. If you need to just vent about it and have me say,I am so sorry instead giving advice about it, please feel free to do that, too. I am here for you. Think about what I said even if you don't agree with it right now, ok?

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

If a sociopath or mailigant narcisst is gaining pleasure from hurting others they are more than likely making facades or characters to abuse you. If you have to keep one in your life, its best to reveal very little of yourself and make them think they are in the right. You could start to feed falsr weaknesses or fears to said person, and slowly mold their facade into something less and less threatening. Sorry if this makes zero sense. It can be hard to accept that some people lack empathy. Physical violence really should invovle the police thi.

 

[Ben So Furry]

Pagey. I'm sorry about the way this man has treated you. No one deserves to be treated in that manner.

I'm going to be blunt. Why do you have anything to do with this man? My cousin hates his parents. He can not stand listening to anyone mentioning her name. He hates her fucking guts. Why? Because the CUNT (and he was just that, a fucking peice of shit useless motherfucking diabolical CUNT) of a step Dad used to make him listen to his sister get raped by a fat, ugly, sweaty man while he waited for his next beating. He would then come round and have the peal the sheets of himself because of the dried on blood. He hates HER. She never abused him. So why? Because she did nothing. He turned his back on them both and tbh and this woman is my auntie but I will fucking dance on her grave when she dies because of the way her children. My cousins remember were brought up and the violence, sexual assaults and neglect they suffered due to that stupid bitch of a twat didn't do for her children. Children Pagey. Noone blames him for that. He is right. I wouldn't spit on her face is she was dying of dehydration to be honest and would laugh as she burnt but he wouldn't. He would turn his back on her and walk away.

Why am I rambling like this? Because it sounds like you feel you owe this man something (I'm not going to insult your Father Pagey even though it's more than he deserves in total honesty) you even apologise for calling him a cunt. Don't. Walk away and not look back.

I have a Daughter and she is the most beautiful, special thing I have ever encountered. Ever. She taught me what unconditional love is. I don't love my wife unconditionally. It has to be reciprocated for it to work. My girl is the most special thing that has ever happened to me. She could spit in my face and I'd still love her. Never going to change.

I don't understand how anyone could treat a fellow human being in the way you have been treated let alone your own special, one of a kind, unique, intelligent, charming, inquisitive and above all beautiful Daughter.

I don't. You owe him nothing. Do not feel bad about hating him. He has done nothing to expect anything from you. Show him no respect. Love yourself and find someone to have a child with and experience the love I talk about, because it's real, it exists and it's more potent than any fucking drug that has ever and could possibly exist I promise you.

Pagey.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I'm going to be blunt. Why do you have anything to do with this man? My cousin hates his parents. He can not stand listening to anyone mentioning her name. He hates her fucking guts. Why? Because the CUNT (and he was just that, a fucking peice of shit useless motherfucking diabolical CUNT) of a step Dad used to make him listen to his sister get raped by a fat, ugly, sweaty man while he waited for his next beating. He would then come round and have the peal the sheets of himself because of the dried on blood. He hates HER. She never abused him. So why? Because she did nothing. He turned his back on them both and tbh and this woman is my auntie but I will fucking dance on her grave when she dies because of the way her children. My cousins remember were brought up and the violence, sexual assaults and neglect they suffered due to that stupid bitch of a twat didn't do for her children. Children Pagey. Noone blames him for that. He is right. I wouldn't spit on her face is she was dying of dehydration to be honest and would laugh as she burnt but he wouldn't. He would turn his back on her and walk away.

I can understand why someone would feel like this having been through a situation like that and would never criticise them for feeling this way, but do you think it's a good idea to actively encourage it? Ask yourself this, does burning up with resentment like this make your cousin happy? I very much doubt it does, I bet it makes him extremely upset/angry/confused etc. Whilst this resentful thinking is both natural and understandable, it's not going to achieve any benefit for the person that's going through it. Much better to work towards a place of, if not forgiveness, then acceptance rather than burning up with hatred in my opinion.

 

[Ben So Furry]

No. He doesn't burn up with resentment over them and I'm sorry to Pagey and everyone who read my post if it suggests I would actively encourage that. You are right. Well said sorry. Pagey's post made me feel angry and brought up some negative emotions in me. He feels nothing for either of them. I am burning because I heard what happened to him and his sister. My cousins.

I just can't understand why anyone could even contemplate ever doing that to a child.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Safe, I just think that it's really imperative that it's clear to people in any issue where they may be inclined to be resentful because you're only damaging yourself if you get locked in that cycle.

 

[Noodle]

Breaking out means breaking contact. That is tough when people are blood, and other connections to blood relations are through the offender.

In my opinion, you must decide to dead his connection to you.

...head to wall seems like something worth walking away from forever.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Ok... This is going to be long, I have been thinking about this since last night. I am going to be really honest.

First of all, I am deeply upset and sorry that you have had to go through this....this is a devastating issue.

I think you need to initially do whatever you need to to remove yourself from him at the very present time. Get yourself away, back to school and safe.

I have thought a lot about this, and honestly, if it were me I would do whatever I had to do to maintain until he passes away or you graduate. I would invent any excuse not to travel home and put yourself in his presence. I would take his money and limit any contact with him at all. The chances are really excellent that he will pass away before you graduate, even if he is doing well right now, so at most you would have to behave this way for three years?

I am pretty sure that I read you say that you did have a chance to speak with him and let him know how much he had hurt you. I think you said that he acknowledged that. It may not seem worth shit now, but this will be important later. If you need to say these things again before he dies, I absolutely would, but it is good to know that you already said them and that he acknowledged you, even if he did not change his behavior.

Now this next part is the part that everyone will probably question, but I am saying this because I think I also read that after you spoke with him about the ways he has hurt you, you felt a little tenderness for him and a little love? I am sure you did...he is your dad. We are genetically or spiritually programmed to desire a relationship with our fathers, even if they are total dickheads. Underneath all of the hurt and bitterness if you really let yourself look and admit it, there is the desire to love your dad and be loved by him. It is there, it will always be there.

For that reason, I really urge you to think about forgiving him for all of the things that he is done to hurt you. I know you are probably thinking, Beachcat you are crazy there is no way in hell that I could ever forgive that motherfucker for what he has done to me.

But the thing is, forgiving him is not for him. You don't even have to tell him. It is for you. While you carry this burden of resentment, hate, hurt etc towards him, you are harming your heart and your spirit. You are harming yourself by all of the shit you have been doing to hurt yourself.

When you forgive someone, that does not justify what they have done or made it right in any way at all. It is actually a perfect revenge because it sets us free from what the other person did to us. They do not get to win in the end...we do.

Also, forgiveness is a decision to make, it is not a feeling....if you wait for positive feelings to happen, it will never come. You will have to wake up every day and decide to forgive him. For something of this magnitude you can't decide to forgive him once and move on, it won't happen...you will have to do it every day until he dies.

I just don't want him to keep hurting you. With this approach, you attempt to minimize damage to yourself physically and emotionally. I am not sure what to say about your mom and siblings....your mom can take care of herself...she should have acted to take care of her children a long time ago, but failed to do that, so she has issues.

I think I would concentrate my efforts on letting your siblings know you are there for them while you are completely distancing yourself from your dad.

This is just my opinion...whatever you do, I hope you are healthy and happy. If you need to just vent about it and have me say,I am so sorry instead giving advice about it, please feel free to do that, too. I am here for you. Think about what I said even if you don't agree with it right now, ok?

i didn't read all of what you said out of drunkeness (lack of concentration/exam in one day time) but what i did read was very well explained. i know many people from abusive backgrounds and i have heard of much much worse and much less bad to put things in perspective. one of my friends was thrown down the stairs by his dad during his teenage years and now things are hunky dory within reason. at the same time i have heard of serious sexual abuse from grandparents/ stepfathers and people eating lead paint from walls due to starvation.

what i am saying is be pragmatic. gain as much as you can from him financially and stop looking for his love because its a mess. if he loved you he wouldn't be violent. point is you dont need validation from him.

in your own life you have talents and skills that are going to serve you well and you should realize that that many peoplein the world want you to do well and that things should work out for you.

protect yourself physically from any possible danger by avoiding it in the first place