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The April getting/staying sober thread vs Moonwalking ( backward steps )

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ive been wanting to party and get fucked up but ive stayed mostly clean i just cant stand the chills ik it takes time but wtf there has got to be somethin, even smokin erb again with no tolerance its not the same. i need to get on a good path yet i feel like i dont have the necessary tools, im just sick of this shit so much. i dont even wanna do opiates just want to feel better
 
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oxyschottin said:
ive been wanting to party and get fucked up but ive stayed mostly clean i just cant stand the chills ik it takes time but wtf there has got to be somethin, even smokin erb again with no tolerance its not the same. i need to get on a good path yet i feel like i dont have the necessary tools, im just sick of this shit so much. i dont even wanna do opiates just want to feel better
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The feeling of being 1 yr sober is much better than any high. It feels awesome. I dunno, if you're like me, you're the all-or-nothing type. I have to do nothing or everything. Therefore I can't drink or smoke weed.
 
oxyschottin said:
ive been wanting to party and get fucked up but ive stayed mostly clean i just cant stand the chills ik it takes time but wtf there has got to be somethin, even smokin erb again with no tolerance its not the same. i need to get on a good path yet i feel like i dont have the necessary tools, im just sick of this shit so much. i dont even wanna do opiates just want to feel better
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Hey Oxyschottin. hey sorry you are having a ruff time of it.. I am totally with souyndsystem on the detox cold turkey (no opiates or lope or Tramadol) off opiates or IMO you will just end up wandering around in hell for allot longer. the receptors have to be left completely alone in order for them to give up. But hey you are doing great, its good to remember that the addiction pushes the hardest rite before the first miracle happens. Hang in there this shit passes, yes it gets good quick. It seems to me that you are not getting much relief at all from the trams so why don't you consider dropping them from your detox plan. As sick as it sounds remember how you feel right now because you can use that latter on when the PAWS cravings hit. I looked up the half life of Tramadol and it seems to be about seven hours..

400-200 7h
200-100 14
100-50 21
50-25 28
25-12 35
12-6 42

so forty two hours plus at the VERY most 3.5 days = 4.25 days from the last dose of 400mg and the first miracle should have happened.. but since you are experiencing pretty significant withdraw rite now you may experience a partial drop before then..

Your parents love you that is why the\y are helping you through this.. try and keep this in the back of your mind and try to focus on the all the positive things.. you may want to start with the fact that you still have a family that loves you as so many people find themselves totally abandoned because of the actions of their addiction.. the love of a family is a powerful thing<3:)

That being said we are trying to get this done.. If you and your doctor think it is a good idea to abandon the Tramadol and replace it for six days worth of benzos that your family if willing could dose out to you then i believe that would be an option you could explore with your family..

Hey I just want to say that I think you are doing great!!! to get through this with the least pain in the end I would try and commit to no opiates, your less than six days away and then you will begin to feel markedly better.. you have been so strong and I know you have it in you to complete this journey.. I came off a ridiculous habit in august with a taper and just clonidine.. I know where you are at so you can be assured that i am not blowing smoke up your bum when I say that at this point I feel better 98% of the time compared to how I felt all of the time when in active addiction and physical dependence to opiates.. another thing you may have going for you that you stated that you don't even want to use you just want to feel better.. IMO that is huge!!!! I feel that a big struggle that people who haven't reached rock bottom have is a lingering desire to get high, and I believe that that lingering desire kills their chances in the end.. If you are where you are and don't want to get high I think its a good sign that you reached your rock bottom.. get mad at the addiction:! no way are you going to let it win again, so it can sit back and laugh at you all the way back in hell.. look how its treating you.. the addiction is scared it knows your hear to kill it=D. keep it up your getting close!! it does get better quick, im not just saying that to try and convince myself!! come on you can do it thee inst anything back there for you any more.. If you jump back into hell for a minutes respite then you will just have to travel that same WORST THING EVER PATH you are pushing through rite now.. Fight baby, never going back again.. If i did it you can.. and if it gets really hard right before the end, remember its your dependencies DEATH Panic, its just giving all it has because you are about to kill it.. fight baby!!<3<3<3
 
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Despite all the optimism, I don't know if I can take this right now. Feels like the mental part isn't a problem at all, I don't really want to be high. It's the physical side, I just want some rest damn it! Feels like I haven't been getting proper sleep for almost three weeks now, maybe few good nights and my body feels so broken and exhausted it's unbelievable. You know those moments when you try to rationalize yourself that "I'll just use this once, so I can have some rest, then I'll have the energy to keep abstaining...", having one of those right now. But damn, then I ask myself what I'm going to do the next time I face a similar situation, cave in again? And again and again until it's daily again.

You know something is wrong when your med consumption slowy gets higher and higher the long you abstain and start self-medicating with other things, still not feeling quite right at all but hey, atleast you're still right on track when it come to tackling the original problem... perhaps it's just a devious ploy of the subconscious to create a bunch of other, more alarming problems so your conscious mind can rationalize that to not make matters any worse than they were, maybe it could be better to just go back there before it's too late, admitting defeat for now.

Oh man it's going to be a tough night. Part of me wants to smoke so much just to get to sleep, while part of me is disgusted about how it would make me feel, the effect itself and the aftermath of guilt. And it doesn't help at all knowing that in the last few days I've done perhaps the most horrible things to my body I've ever done, partly out of lack of knowledge, partly because of frustration, and partly due to desperation. I don't even know if I really want to talk about it, feel ashamed and hate myself for being the occasional self-destructive idiot. Well at least something positive came out of it, I truly felt that I wanted to live and genuinely considered death as something I don't want, not that I've simply stopped actively searching for it for the most part. It's sad that this realization often comes when one feels his health is seriously threatened, I hope I didn't do any permanent damage...
 
I'm not suggesting anyone do the following, but would like to relate my experience.
I had to see my doctor and take a sleeping pill (Ambien) for about 4 weeks.
It got me enough sleep (at first 3 or 4 hours a night) to get through.
I don't know if I could have done it without being able to recharge my willpower a little each day.
After 2-3 weeks I was sleeping 5 hours a night.
After 4 weeks I quit the Ambien cold turkey, I only used it as a crutch.
Now 5.5 weeks after quitting the opiates, it is 6-8 hours sleep per night.
Still have RLS at night, and various other annoying symptoms,
but nothing like when I was coming off of that shit.
 
FnX said:
Despite all the optimism, I don't know if I can take this right now. Feels like the mental part isn't a problem at all, I don't really want to be high. It's the physical side, I just want some rest damn it! Feels like I haven't been getting proper sleep for almost three weeks now, maybe few good nights and my body feels so broken and exhausted it's unbelievable. You know those moments when you try to rationalize yourself that "I'll just use this once, so I can have some rest, then I'll have the energy to keep abstaining...", having one of those right now. But damn, then I ask myself what I'm going to do the next time I face a similar situation, cave in again? And again and again until it's daily again.

You know something is wrong when your med consumption slowy gets higher and higher the long you abstain and start self-medicating with other things, still not feeling quite right at all but hey, atleast you're still right on track when it come to tackling the original problem... perhaps it's just a devious ploy of the subconscious to create a bunch of other, more alarming problems so your conscious mind can rationalize that to not make matters any worse than they were, maybe it could be better to just go back there before it's too late, admitting defeat for now.

Oh man it's going to be a tough night. Part of me wants to smoke so much just to get to sleep, while part of me is disgusted about how it would make me feel, the effect itself and the aftermath of guilt. And it doesn't help at all knowing that in the last few days I've done perhaps the most horrible things to my body I've ever done, partly out of lack of knowledge, partly because of frustration, and partly due to desperation. I don't even know if I really want to talk about it, feel ashamed and hate myself for being the occasional self-destructive idiot. Well at least something positive came out of it, I truly felt that I wanted to live and genuinely considered death as something I don't want, not that I've simply stopped actively searching for it for the most part. It's sad that this realization often comes when one feels his health is seriously threatened, I hope I didn't do any permanent damage...
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Stay strong FnX.. give it some more time, you get better I promise.. why did you want to get sober in the first place.. yeah that hasn't changed.. if you make it just i little longer you got this.. pull from somewhere deeper, I know you have a lot left in reserve, spend that and look for more, its there<3<3<3

EDIT: and shit another week has passed into the books.. nice work all!=D
 
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RedLeader said:
Just got some horrible news. Tossing and turning in bed with my heart racing and my stomach doing flip flops. Every cell in me wants it, this is terrible.
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I'm sorry. Being upset is a huge trigger for me to want to use. You can and will do it <3 <3
 
I can't seem to jump from my current dose of etizolam (3mgs) down to 2mgs for my taper. This is terrible. I am trying to do this on my own but I know i need a doctors help. Every day is a legitimate fight to make it out of the house and then back to my bed at night and then the real fight to fall asleep begins.

How I did this to myself is beyond me.

Sending lots of love to my April buddies. Just another Manic Monday. 8(
 
My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering <3

I'm curious though, what is the point of quitting dope if you are just going to live in hell with other powerful drugs like benzos? Are they really helping anything?
 
stardust.hero said:
I can't seem to jump from my current dose of etizolam (3mgs) down to 2mgs for my taper. This is terrible. I am trying to do this on my own but I know i need a doctors help. Every day is a legitimate fight to make it out of the house and then back to my bed at night and then the real fight to fall asleep begins.

How I did this to myself is beyond me.

Sending lots of love to my April buddies. Just another Manic Monday. 8(
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Honey, maybe if you get down to 2.5 instead of 2 right away it might feel a little less difficult. <3
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
I've been sober for 8 months this April and it has not been easy but I am happy I have been able to do this.
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That's amazing. I've been opiate free since 3/3/13 and it feels like a lifetime. It's the cravings that are really making it so difficult..when will they end?
 
I've got 35 days sober today, and I'm beginning to notice how difficult it is for me to regulate my emotions (particularly negative ones.) When I get angry I immediately go from being fine to being completely irate. If something is sad or unfortunate I cry like a 6 year old. There seems to be no middle ground right now. How long will this last?

I thought of myself as an easy going, mellow yogi until 35 days ago.
 
^^^This is very common. We spend years blunting our emotions then all of a sudden we have no choice but to feel them. It just takes time and it does get better.

rx_prn - In my experience (and from the countless stories I've heard in the rooms) with white knuckling and cross addicting it doesn't get easier. Basically for a drug addict, life without drugs is shit until you fill that life with a solid spiritual practice.
 
rx_prn said:
That's amazing. I've been opiate free since 3/3/13 and it feels like a lifetime. It's the cravings that are really making it so difficult..when will they end?
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They get less and less as time goes by but sometimes I'll get a craving for my D(s)OC out of nowhere and some of them I have not used in years and was not nearly into abusing or as heavily addicted to them as I was alcohol. The main thing is that no matter what you don't give into them at all. It sounds corny but meditation can help, as can exercise. Or I'll do something pretty much anything to get my mind off the craving or if I were in social situation where someone started using I would just leave. That's what works for me, there's a great thread here in sober living about cravings. http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/630868-Craving-thread-–-v-Hold-On
 
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Zwanya said:
I've got 35 days sober today, and I'm beginning to notice how difficult it is for me to regulate my emotions (particularly negative ones.) When I get angry I immediately go from being fine to being completely irate. If something is sad or unfortunate I cry like a 6 year old. There seems to be no middle ground right now. How long will this last?

I thought of myself as an easy going, mellow yogi until 35 days ago.
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Don't overthink it. Most people (take away a few elderly monks and people in active addiction) get angry. And despite what they might claim most people cry too. Now our f--ked up culture might try and claim that these things are weaknesses, but if anyone is doing something wrong it is the person looking down on others for acting human. Tap into the part of you that once defied the crowd, drank and drugged, and stand up for yourself and your dynamic emotions. Don't give anyone anything to pick at. It is natural to crave altering your consciousness, it is natural to get angry or sad.

With that said, just like you got sober for yourself, you will have the best success changing your emotional responses to things if you change them for yourself. Okay, something pisses you off and you want to yell or punch a wall. But every time you do, you end up full of guilt. Maybe you yelled at a girlfriend or broke something. Don't try and react differently next time just to cause less damage to your surroundings. Change to cause less damage to your mind. Guilt is probably the absolute worst and most destructive emotion there is. Right? It hurts so, so bad. So you limit your anger to the point where it won't lead to guilt. If you get worked up, pause and focus on your blood moving through your body, your muscles tensing. Feel it all, feel alive with your anger. Then try and bring it all to your chest and take some deep breaths. Still want to have an outburst?
 
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I didn't do any drugs yesterday, and went to an AA meeting. It wasn't my first meeting, but it was the first one where I really wanted to get clean. Before, I was just trying to make other people think I was clean. I'm a little dopesick I think. I might go to another meeting tonight but I have weird feelings about it. Like the people there will look down on me for quitting the program and coming back. I'm sure that's wrong and that many, many people have done it and been in the same situation as me. I don't know. "Well I guess that I just don't know."
 
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