Mental Health Rationalizing Suicide in My Final Days

[King-Anubis]

Hey,

It's been awhile since I lasted posted on bluelight. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for if I'm honest, but I felt a need to post – I suppose part of me still has doubts about whether my death is rational. I have at least half a dozen weeks remaining on this earth, purely because I can't enact my plan any faster.

This all started a month ago. I was about to use aripiprazole to overdose, but because of doubts about it's killing power I was hesitant. During my hesitation I made the impulsive decision to call 111, hoping they could in some way help 'save me;. After talking to them for half an hour they decided to send an an ambulance. Ten minutes later I was taking to two paramedics who – instead of taking me to hospital – thankfully took me to see my care coordinator, and a mental health nurse. I spoke with them for over an hour and we decided that it would be best for me to be sent back home from university to my parents to recover from what we believed was an adverse reaction to some medication. Four hours later I arrived home by train and spent the next fortnight getting better.

Despite all this the suicidal feelings never really departed, despite my claims that they had. I didn't want to worry my parents, and if I'm honest I don't trust the nurses where my parents live as much as I trust my care coordinator in London. I'm still waiting on getting an appointment with a psychiatrist a month after the above incident and I'll gladly admit to him my feelings. I expect to be put on antidepressants, but the problem is that I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad, I just look at my life and realize that I have no good reason to continue to go on. My life is filled with pure apathy and constant thoughts of death. Maybe that is depression, but I am hesitant to call it that having experienced true despair for much of my early teenage life. That all gave way to apathy too. I no longer feel as if I have the capacity to feel guilty, hopeless or truly depressed, I just repress those feelings until they are no more. I just don't care.

So why am I still alive? Well, my parents are in control of my medication, for one. But once I get back to London in a month I'll be in control again and that's when I plan to depart. <snip>

What reasons do I have to be so 'cowardly'? I'm fed up with life and it's direction. I'm fed up of my future prospects. I'm fed up being alone. I'm fed up knowing that my life is worthless. I'm fed up feeling wrong. I'm fed up with society. I live in my mind, I spend my days daydreaming about unobtainable goals. I fall asleep under the flickers of demons crawling from the shadows. I hate my mistakes, and I hate fearing the unknown. And yet, despite this I know that my life in miles better then many others, and that only makes it worse. I'm not hallucinating permanently, I'm not blighted by addiction, I'm not 'ill'. Sure I believe that I live in purgatory, that I'm immortal for as long as I abstain from suicide, that I'm surrounded by mindless automatons with their black eyes, and saved from death by green eyed angels. But this is not a delusion, it's a rational conclusion from my experiences, and one that I nonetheless doubt. It makes sense to me, but part of me knows it's crazy, but it is all I know. I want to escape, I want to test my theory. If I am immortal, as I believe, then I shan’t die and I'll be trapped here for as long as is necessary. If I am not, then I'm on a one way trip to the abyss. That is my rationalization. I'm just 'testing a theory'. Perhaps it just covers my real reasons: that I'm hopeless.

Yet I have some hope. Part of me knows why I'm still here today. I hope, in vain, that one day I'll find someone. But my lack of social skills and extreme social withdrawal makes this seem more and more unlikely each day. The only moments of happiness I get these days is when I take to people online. If I can't see their eyes I don't fear their motives. Either way, at the moment I live, as stupid as it sounds, for my care coordinator. She’s the only one I know who doesn't have black eyes. I know she would truly be hurt should I die, unlike the majority who are mindless. But even I can only go on for so long. I have a window of opportunity to end it, and I have to take it, else I get a three month span of isolation before being flung back into university. My mind will break in those three months, no doubt. I just want peace, to be free. Here I am not free.

So I'll take my chances. I have no other choice. A psychiatric hospital would unlikely help, nor these crisis numbers who I've called in the past. I'm going to end it one day, it may as be now. I have no hope, and It's not a case of my coping mechanisms failing to outweigh the sorrow, those days are long gone, it's a case of giving up, and not wanting to bother anymore. Not wanting to be stuck in this social system. I have no reason to continue to live, I have no commitments, I have no one to keep going for, and – for once – I have no promises that will be broken should I die. I'm just waiting.

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes depression does just feel like apathy rather than sadness or even despair--actually I find that the scariest kind, the level of depression where you truly lose the will to live. I won't try to talk you out of your feelings because they are very rational responses to your thoughts. But I do have questions about some of your thoughts. When you begin to tell yourself the Story of You, that story could be written any way in the world--same subject, different perspective. We all write the story of ourselves, and we tell it to other people the way we tell it to ourselves. You could say, "I am lost", or you could say, "I am still searching for myself". One pins you down and becomes your fate and the other just keeps rolling out in front of you like an unexplored path.

I can understand what you mean about it not being a matter of coping mechanisms failing; no one can sustain the will to live when living is merely coping. What I hope that you can access from within that small amount of hope that you still have, is a knowledge that this world is full of many worlds and our time here is so brief. You could find many worlds right where you are but it takes questioning your own thoughts and opening to possibility and surprise.

I am always available to talk through PMs. You are right that it is sometimes easier when there is that degree of separation that the internet provides.

 

[Anonymous132]

I can't be of much help as I'm near suicidal aswell.

I'm hopeless. Without hope.

When you live life in despair, with nothing to remedy, and no hope for improvement.

That's when dark thoughts enter.

I have no advice. I'm just another person who's in a dark place mentally. Hope noone has to feel like I do ever. If you're convicted to take your life, you feel one degree worse than I do, because I'm not at that point.

I think there's no meaning for anyone to go on if life is truly unbearable, with no hope of improvement.

But sometimes you can keep on with your eyes shut, emotionally, in blind hope, so to speak, that there is a life that's meaningful ahead in time.

 

[neversickanymore]

If I were going to commit suicide then I would do it in this way.. I would take off from my place with a debit card with all my cash and a backpack.. Then I would see how far and how much of the earth I could see and experience before something killed me.. I would live in the moment and never judge any of the experiences or challenges i was going to face as bad, so I would never have another bad day. I would never feel sorry for myself or for anyone else, if they choose to make themselves miserable then that was there problem. I wouldn't be afraid of anything ever, whats the "worst" thing that can happen, death? Shit, since thats going to happen anyway and its either a door to another life or the end, then its all good with me.. go to heaven or disappear, hmm whats so terrifying about that? Nothing. Or maybe the worst thing is other people will reject me, what do I care if other people reject me, I already accepted myself. Oh and if i'm not afraid of anything then I can't be manipulated into anything. So I would commit suicide buy life, cause if I was about to off myself, this next life long trip is just borrowed time and I can and will do anything I want and I dont give a rats ass about what anybody thinks I should do or thinks of what i'm doing. If you don't have anything to live for then you have nothing to loose, as they say "freedoms just another word for nothing left to loose".
Take your freedom and use it to commit suicide with a life. Hmm, a free life.. that sounds pretty good. I hope you find what your looking for



“Let them think what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank -- but that's not the same thing.”
― Joseph Conrad, The Secret Sharer and other stories

 

[ad lib]

^ I often think of doing what you described of, NSA. There are so many new opportunities, sites, people, etc that are all waiting to just be explored.

OP- how are you doing?

 

[Abject]

What reasons do I have to be so 'cowardly'? I'm fed up with life and it's direction. I'm fed up of my future prospects. I'm fed up being alone. I'm fed up knowing that my life is worthless. I'm fed up feeling wrong. I'm fed up with society. I live in my mind, I spend my days daydreaming about unobtainable goals. I fall asleep under the flickers of demons crawling from the shadows. I hate my mistakes, and I hate fearing the unknown.

First off, suicide is not cowardly. That's like calling a weight lifter who maxes out weak because he couldn't lift such a heavy weight.
Okay, well one thing I find beneficial is juxtaposition. Look at everything you're fed up with, and then look at the things you lack; what you want more of in your life. Even if you do not actively feel that desire, look at things that have contributed to your positive emotions in the past.
Now, let's have a look at those things you have too much of:
the direction of your life is something you choose.
your future prospects are ultimately unbeknownst, and logically infinite.
all life is worthless; or worthwhile. There is no objective worth, it is your responsibility to give your life worth.
Why not explore the world? See other societies; visit a village and take a trip back in time.

What is it you daydream about? What is it you want?

I know how easy it is to be self-defeating and self-pitying; to write off all I just said, or simply be too apathetic for it to carry any value.

And yet, despite this I know that my life in miles better then many others

On what basis? Better how? There are people in worse external situations, sure, but they have the desire to experience them. They want to live; they have hope, or desire, or whatever it is that is driving them to sustain their existence.

This is your life. If there is one thing you own, it's your self. You're allowed to kill yourself, and even if you don't care about it, I implore you to think about all the possibilities of the future. And no, I don't mean some half-assed self-defeating thought where you only conceive negative things in order to justify your desires; your suicide. Really think about it, long and hard, about all the possible things that could happen. Think of all the circumstances you could find yourself in, all the things you could experience. Sure, it may not even have worth to you, but it may have worth to your future self.
The problem with this is that your future self is predicated on you; your present self and the actions you're making now.

No amount of pixels are going to solve your issues; I know this truth all too well yet somehow it seems to escape my demeanour.

I'm not going to tell you to love yourself; because it's plain insulting to be told to love the source of such pain, or if not pain, simple displeasure.

I will say this though; I can't conceive how but I sincerely hope you find a way out of this.

Bonding, connection, social interaction, love... none of them are impossible. If having them would make you happy you should work towards them.
and thus presents the self-defeating nature of my mind, and my actions.

For your listening pleasure

 

[plmar]

Life is messed up. Whatever we experience or go through, whether its positive or negative, always leads to death.
I have been thinking about suicide too, but I wouldn't go through with it even if I wanted. I want to live, I want to be immortal. But that is only because I am terrified of death, scared shitless by the fact that our bodies shut down permanently and rot away into nothingness. That's the most fucked up thing about life. Even if you've hit rock bottom and don't value your life at all anymore, there is still a cause for concern.

 

[neversickanymore]

@ ABJECT.. I like the way you think.

 

[King-Anubis]

Thank you everyone. Reading through some of these replies honestly made me cry.

If I were going to commit suicide then I would do it in this way.. I would take off from my place with a debit card with all my cash and a backpack.. Then I would see how far and how much of the earth I could see and experience before something killed me.. I would live in the moment and never judge any of the experiences or challenges i was going to face as bad, so I would never have another bad day. I would never feel sorry for myself or for anyone else, if they choose to make themselves miserable then that was there problem. I wouldn't be afraid of anything ever, whats the "worst" thing that can happen, death? Shit, since thats going to happen anyway and its either a door to another life or the end, then its all good with me.. go to heaven or disappear, hmm whats so terrifying about that? Nothing. Or maybe the worst thing is other people will reject me, what do I care if other people reject me, I already accepted myself. Oh and if i'm not afraid of anything then I can't be manipulated into anything. So I would commit suicide buy life, cause if I was about to off myself, this next life long trip is just borrowed time and I can and will do anything I want and I dont give a rats ass about what anybody thinks I should do or thinks of what i'm doing. If you don't have anything to live for then you have nothing to loose, as they say "freedoms just another word for nothing left to loose".
Take your freedom and use it to commit suicide with a life. Hmm, a free life.. that sounds pretty good. I hope you find what your looking for

One dream I always had was to live 'free'. I'm an anarchist and the idea of living life as a nomad, living off the earth, seemed right. I always wanted to go with someone, however, and at times my reason to keep going was for others. But I have been thinking about it. I always said I'd try my luck on the streets, as free as could be, before I'd commit to ending it. I know I wouldn't last for very long, but at least I would have tried. You have made me think, however, about what is within my reach. About perhaps doing just that and finding myself and what makes me happy.

OP- how are you doing?

I'm getting on by. I discovered today that I'm so uncertain about all this. I stood in the kitchen staring at a knife for an hour when my parents were out. I'd never go out like that but it made me wonder. Made me confused, scared even. It could have been ended there, but I held on a little more. I'm not sure why, I guess I hope that it'll pass. I've been here before, I spent nearly six years on the brink. I survived before, but I just can't go through it again, the very thought that I'm slipping back into depression hurts so much :'(

Okay, well one thing I find beneficial is juxtaposition. Look at everything you're fed up with, and then look at the things you lack; what you want more of in your life. Even if you do not actively feel that desire, look at things that have contributed to your positive emotions in the past.
Now, let's have a look at those things you have too much of:
the direction of your life is something you choose.
your future prospects are ultimately unbeknownst, and logically infinite.
all life is worthless; or worthwhile. There is no objective worth, it is your responsibility to give your life worth.
Why not explore the world? See other societies; visit a village and take a trip back in time.

What is it you daydream about? What is it you want?
...
This is your life. If there is one thing you own, it's your self. You're allowed to kill yourself, and even if you don't care about it, I implore you to think about all the possibilities of the future. And no, I don't mean some half-assed self-defeating thought where you only conceive negative things in order to justify your desires; your suicide. Really think about it, long and hard, about all the possible things that could happen. Think of all the circumstances you could find yourself in, all the things you could experience. Sure, it may not even have worth to you, but it may have worth to your future self.

The problem with this is that your future self is predicated on you; your present self and the actions you're making now.

You've given me a lot to think about - about what I want, what I'm looking for. If I'm honest I don't know. I feel lost and confused. But I do think about my future self. I do see a better days. If I can get back into university then I have next year set in stone. That gives me hope that I might be able to turn things around, it's at least a chance. But I know that to get there I have to go through hell again. I'm so scared that it might not end this time, that I'll finally loose my mind for good. I don't want to have to watch myself slip back into psychosis again.

Bonding, connection, social interaction, love... none of them are impossible. If having them would make you happy you should work towards them.

I will try. I know I have a long way to go, but I will be trying when I get back to London. I have therapy set up to help, but it's a while until I start and I'm not sure if it'd even work; it's failed in the past.

For your listening pleasure

Thank you, this song gave me some weak hope. I not sure what it is about it - I relate to it far too well.

I am terrified of death, scared shitless by the fact that our bodies shut down permanently and rot away into nothingness.

I'm terrified of the abyss. Nothing scares me more then the thought of being thrown into a dark void for the rest of eternity. That's my idea of hell, but I pray that if there is a god he'll have mercy.

 

[Abject]

It's good to see your reply Anubis.
Good luck; there is a very supportive community here.

 

[stilesface]

I don't have much to add or share, your post resonated with me. I just wanted to send good thoughts your way. Years ago, when I entertained suicide frequently I started to read a lot of philosophy and spent a considerable amount of time reading Camus (particularly the Myth of Sisyphus), to each their own, but it helped me to recognize how many people, generationally, have had those same thoughts and the same soul searching for our raison d'etre. I find peace in the commonality of the human experience. Peace, brother, please feel free to reach out. You have a very solid grasp on self expression, keep doing so.

 

[pofacedhoe]

i wouldn't call suicide cowardly but it is selfish

depression is the most self absorbed illness. me me me


i'm going to kill myself, nobody loves me, i'm all alone.

being too inwardly focused is making things worse. best cures for depression= change diet, get excercise, get a social support network, (short term) take drugs...

part of clinical depression is chemical and part of it is a problem with a persons schematics and thoughts.

if you can only think of two options and both of them are negative then that is irrational

having suffered from clinical depression/mania and come out the other side on no pharmaceuticals and in good health i can tell you it is possible

truth is if you kill yourself it will hurt your parents and they dont deserve that.

i've been suicidal loads of times and you can escape this and have a normal life

 

[Abject]

Everything you do is selfish.

Speaking as someone who suffers from depression, I can safely say that a healthy diet mixed with daily exercise and frequent social interaction is not some be all and end all, in fact I can do all of those things with little improvement to my depression.

Not to mention your parents had children (read: you) for selfish reasons.
Furthermore you do not owe your existence to your parents; you are your own being and if there's one thing in the universe that is yours it's your self.

It's selfish of you to expect someone to suffer through something, to try and control someone and tell them what they're allowed to do with themselves.
In fact, doing nothing kills you. You have to sustain your existence with water, and food.


The biggest thing stopping me from killing myself is the pain it would bring my family/mother, despite everything else.
The thing is, trying to guilt trip someone isn't the solution.

Depression itself is irrational, it's only natural that it produces irrational thoughts.

Though your intention may be one of hope your execution is poor and self-defeating imo.

 

[tamarinds]

Suicide is cowardly, selfish and pathetic. If you think otherwise youre deluded

 

[zuleekha]

I have wanted to end my life from an early age - <took a lot of medications, had my stomach pumped each time, and woke up the next morning>
The feeling has been with me since I can remember. My life feels worthless and I truly feel it would be so much easier not to be here than the daily challange of dealing with the feelings and thoughts. I look forward to my death.
However, I saw a spiritualist whilst travelling in South Africa. Went into this womans' house sat down and she said she could speak with my spirit guides. They told her that I was close to suicide and the reason was because in my previous life, people let me down big time and I took my own life by suicide. These feelings had continued over into my present day life and that the reason for this life was to work through these problems. Otherwise I would keep on repeating my life until I got it right.
This woman told me things that I had never told another soul and I know a lot of people are cynical but for me, it all fitted into place.
The year after I fell pregnant and had my beautiful daughter. I bought her up alone and although I have been married twice, I have never truly loved or had anyone truly love me. (other than my daughter)
I am now 50, I still have to deal with the suicide thoughts - they never went away, I just looked at them differently. I really don't want to have to go through another life like this one. I battle with depression, intense pain, loneliness, addiction and severe lack of money, on a daily basis. But I feel that if I can just get through it, at least my next life should be a lot better as I will have dealt with all these lessons...
I know its so very very hard, but just try to be strong and dig deep into your soul to find something - even if its just one thing - that makes you happy and start with that and build upon it. Life can change so quickly, you could meet someone next week or do something that will make you think or do something that will change your world for the better.
Be strong - you are stronger than you think

 

[neversickanymore]

^ the inspiration I got from your post made my day, thank you

 

[Allein]

i wouldn't call suicide cowardly but it is selfish

depression is the most self absorbed illness. me me me
i'm going to kill myself, nobody loves me, i'm all alone.
being too inwardly focused is making things worse. best cures for depression= change diet, get excercise, get a social support network, (short term) take drugs...
part of clinical depression is chemical and part of it is a problem with a persons schematics and thoughts.
if you can only think of two options and both of them are negative then that is irrational
having suffered from clinical depression/mania and come out the other side on no pharmaceuticals and in good health i can tell you it is possible
truth is if you kill yourself it will hurt your parents and they dont deserve that.
i've been suicidal loads of times and you can escape this and have a normal life

I'm glad you have had such a positive outcome, there are few things of which I am certain but one is that as individuals we can never truly see the world from another's perspective, such is the nature of the human condition. you are in error when you make the assertion that your experience will be mirrored in others, or that you truly know how they feel and think....you (we) do not.

For me acceptance has been more useful than almost anything else, acceptance of the ultimate loneliness of life, acceptance of the darkness that invades my life at times, acceptance of my own failings (I'm working on that one)

For the OP I can't offer much but I sense you have coped with the darkness and the raw pain of being up until now proving just how strong you are. Keep going, try not to fear the dark, better things await you in this life if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Another thing of which I am sure, you will find no happiness in this life by ending it.

ATB

 

[pofacedhoe]

Everything you do is selfish.

Speaking as someone who suffers from depression, I can safely say that a healthy diet mixed with daily exercise and frequent social interaction is not some be all and end all, in fact I can do all of those things with little improvement to my depression.

Not to mention your parents had children (read: you) for selfish reasons.
Furthermore you do not owe your existence to your parents; you are your own being and if there's one thing in the universe that is yours it's your self.

It's selfish of you to expect someone to suffer through something, to try and control someone and tell them what they're allowed to do with themselves.
In fact, doing nothing kills you. You have to sustain your existence with water, and food.


The biggest thing stopping me from killing myself is the pain it would bring my family/mother, despite everything else.
The thing is, trying to guilt trip someone isn't the solution.

Depression itself is irrational, it's only natural that it produces irrational thoughts.

Though your intention may be one of hope your execution is poor and self-defeating imo.

yes everything in life is selfish, yada yada yada but thats a big cop out- suicide is selfish and its not fair on the people you leave behind

 

[herbavore]

I'm glad you have had such a positive outcome, there are few things of which I am certain but one is that as individuals we can never truly see the world from another's perspective, such is the nature of the human condition. you are in error when you make the assertion that your experience will be mirrored in others, or that you truly know how they feel and think....you (we) do not.

For me acceptance has been more useful than almost anything else, acceptance of the ultimate loneliness of life, acceptance of the darkness that invades my life at times, acceptance of my own failings (I'm working on that one)

For the OP I can't offer much but I sense you have coped with the darkness and the raw pain of being up until now proving just how strong you are. Keep going, try not to fear the dark, better things await you in this life if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Another thing of which I am sure, you will find no happiness in this life by ending it.

ATB

I agree with you, atm; I think that those of us that do not suffer depression (or at least suffer it only situationally) have no idea what it is like to walk in a person's shoes that does suffer that "living death". I also agree that developing your ability to accept what has been, what is and what will be is far more rewarding and delivers much more peace than simply chasing after happiness. The irony to me is that more and more happiness occurs the better you get at acceptance.

As far as whether or not suicide is selfish, or whether everything is selfish, that is probably best discussed as a philosophical point of view in P&S. In this case, someone is feeling suicidal. There is much to be learned when you are in that state. Sometimes you need to bring yourself right to the edge to force yourself to hear a voice you are trying to suppress or to open your eyes when you are afraid to really see. I think the suicidal times in my life had given me more than they took away. I am thankful that I never succeeded. I am thankful for who I was when I felt the need to contemplate giving up my existence. I am sure that my absolute delight in living is informed by those early years when it was anything but delightful. For this alone, I encourage you to care for yourself. Life is so full of unexpected turns.

 

[King-Anubis]

Thank you everyone, again. I've found a lot of strength from all your posts, and - most importantly - hope. I've actually felt slightly better today, enough to see that suicide is unlikely a good option. I phoned my therapist and we spoke at length about it all, and we've decided to switch my medication from Quetiapine to Amisulpride when I meet with my psychiatrist in a fortnight. I just have to get by until then. I hoping after then things will get better, so it's something to hold onto at the moment. Thanks again everyone.