LONG POST. I'M SLIGHTLY SPEEDING, SO IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG RAMBLE, BUT A GOOD STORY NONE THE LESS
Brief Background
To start, a little bit of info on the people I live around is necessary. My mother, dad, step-dad, brothers, cousins and aunts/uncles all have/do smoke weed and it was a "secret" from me for most of my life because of my young age, though I had found a bowl or two laying around in the house and been told they were something else. Given how young I was, I thought nothing of it and accepted whatever answer I was given. Throughout elementary school and into middle school, I noticed a lot of hush hush behavior with my brothers and mother and step dad (as parents are divorced). I one time eavesdropped on my brothers door to the attic when he was hanging with friends, he was in high school at the time and had 10 years on me age wise, and heard him saying things like "it's better if you smoke it..... blah blah etc". I knew it was something about drugs and it made me feel like my life was sort of messed up because I lived in a house with family who secretly did drugs around a elementary school kid, me. The biggest red flag that really turned my world upside down was one day when I was home alone. A friend of my mothers, a black man who came over to drink/party sometimes, come to our front door (as I watched thru the front windows) and dropped a baggy into the mail chute. I opened the foyer door to look at what it was and it was a small baggy filled with a white powder or rocks, I can't specifically remember what the consistency was, just that it was white and most certainly drugs. I was like wtf..... omg. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade at the time, so I was 10 or 11. The black guy came to the side door and asked if my mom was home, I said no. He came in, grabbed the baggy, said forget this happened and then proceeded to leave. This had confirmed my suspicion that my mom was doing something more than weed, and arguments between my step dad and mom further proved it. In one argument he called her a crack whore and a bad mother, as they screamed at each other while I was in my room listening to it all. I had never said anything about the white baggy or been confronted about it, thankfully. It definitely made me feel "messed up" as a child. Not that I was awkward or weird or anything, just that I thought it was fucked that my mom and others in my house were doing hard drugs.
Now I've moved around quite a bit, and of course got older and more wiser. It eventually became pretty damn apparent my parents smoked weed. I believe my mom kicked the crack habit sometime back but I'm not exactly sure when (she admitted she had the habit actually a couple months ago ! Funny thing about it, being older now we could talk about it). But back to the story. I had peeped through windows at my step dad smoking weed out of an acrylic red and black water bong, it left me with feelings of slight betrayal and just confused. I really didn't know how to take it. This was my in eighth grade to my freshman year in high school. Now I
knew my cousin smoked weed and she didn't really care to hide it, and even did it with my parents when she came over sometimes, but obviously without my being in the room or knowing. One day though they left and I went out with my cousin to the barn in the backyard while she smoked a bowl from the bong I mentioned earlier. I had hung out with her before when she was smoking, but never had any interest. My stance on drugs throughout life was never really that they were bad or good, I never really had a "stance" so to say. She said try a hit from the bong, and I said ok I guess so. First time smoking, and first time with a bong so pretty nervous about it and didn't really know how to do it. Not really sure if I got "high", I just know I only took one hit and then we went inside and played video games. That was my first interaction with drugs, weed, and nothing else happened for another year or so at all.
New high school, 10-12th grade. The kids I made friends with were normal kids, just like me, no involvement in drugs or anything bad. Hung out with them for a long while, we were all great friends. Problems arose in the group, and friends sort of split up and I started to hang out with a different group of friends, ones who who everyone knew were pot heads/druggies. I started to smoke weed with them, regularly. This further alienated me from my other group of "friends" as they didn't do drugs and pretty much cast me out (all except my still current and pretty much only friend). I hung out with my new friends for my last couple years of high school, every day after school, smoking lots of weed and always high. The group only ever had high quality weed and hated mids/reggies. Things like sour diesel, lemon g, grandaddy purple, etc. were pretty common. I bought plenty of grams throughout the years and definitely was considered a stoner to people in my school, as they knew who I hung out with. Now the group didn't really do much besides weed, but there was one friend in the group who sold shrooms. I had seen them 10+ times when he sold them to people where we hung out, but never really had interest. I would have, say they were given to me for free, but never bought any and he stopped selling eventually. All my friends did smoke cigarettes however, and many times tried to get me to smoke but I was the ONLY one who didn't smoke cigarettes and still to this day don't. They did drink sometimes when they had parties, and I got wasted a few times playing pong and then smoking blunts at parties. My mom eventually asked if I had weed, and I said yea and I shared some with her. She admitted to smoking all these years, I said I knew blah blah now it's nothing that's hidden in the house and no big deal. My parents still smoke weed, although only commercial grade, every day to this day.
Now graduation came eventually, and at this point I was hanging with my drug friends less and less. We were tight and all, but it just kind of split up and my social life started to become almost nonexistent, other than my girlfriend who I have been dating for years. Now in between dating my girlfriend, there was a period were we broke up. I was talking with this girl who was a close friend every now and then before, and then during the period of break up and we eventually hung out multiple times and smoked/fucked. Never really officially dated, but hung out and smoked a lot. So I went to a concert with her and her friend one night, and her friend had ecstacy tabs. I had never taken anything remotely hard beyond weed and alcohol, but said sure why not. The tabs turned out to be bad, and I didn't feel anything and was pretty disappointed. My friend then proceeded to tell me about the "molly" the gas station sells in a pill capsule that is awesome, but said she had a bad experience and to stay away from it, that it was poison. I was curious though, and ended up buying two of the capsules. This was like 2 and half years ago, maybe more. I bought the second for my male friend, and we hung out that night and both took our capsule. They were a branded "bath salt" at the time called "Ultra Molly". I rolled hard as FUCK that night, had the best time of my life, rolling for upwards to 8-10 hours and felt sooooo incredibly AMAZING, as did my friend. He was a regular stoner, but definitely loved the experience.
Couldn't resist trying it again, and bought more to try by myself at home after coming home from college classes. Did this about 15+ times, each time an amazingly beautiful roll that lasted 6-8 hours. I had so much euphoria I would lay on the ground in front of my floor standing speakers listening to Skrillex and be filled with waves and waves of euphoria from each song that played. It was beautiful.
I do believe this capsules contained Mephedrone. I have no way of ever confirming it, but based on duration, effects etc. I almost 95% positive it was Mephedrone or 4-MMC. I had shared these with my mother and brother, who also enjoyed them during the time they could be bought. Eventually some sort of ban on selling gas stations came about, and a cop was at the gas station when I drove past and I never bought any more since. Trying to research what exactly I took led me to sites like drugs-forums and Bluelight. I got into RCs and learned lots of info. I read and read and read some more. Eventually I made my first online RC order through the mail, 250mg of JWH-210, a synthetic cannabinoid. I received a black vinyl bag with a white powder in it. I was unsure of how to dose it, what the dosage was, and also had no scale to speak of. Lets just say I was very ignorant of drugs still at the time. The day I got it I dipped my finger in the bag and ate a small amount off my finger, about and hour and half before I had to work (dumbest idea ever........). Ended up getting high as FUCK for hours later while at work and felt completely depersonalized, to the point I thought it was so obvious I was impaired. I was super paranoid the entire work shift, but by the time I got off it had died down a lot thankfully and nothing bad happened.
This began my venture into online RCs.
Substances
Now, I've had an extensive list of substances. I'm going to list all I can remember, might miss some, but you'll get the idea that I've tried whatever I could get a sample of at the time.
I have tried: JWH-210, JWH-250, JWH-200, JWH-018, JWH-081, AM-1248, AM-2204, UR-144, RCS-4 (in the form of a hash like substance), Dimethocaine (useless lol), 4-MEC, 4-FA, 4-FMA, 4-EMC, Pentedrone, Pentylone, 4-MMC, Methylone, Butylone, a-PVP, 5-APB, 6-APB, Dextroamphetamine, Methylphenidate, 2C-I, 4-AcO-DET, DOC, Shrooms (one time, bad trip), 25i-NBOME, Phenazepam, Alprazolam, Diazepam, Lorazepam, Etizolam, DXM,
MXE, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Methadone, Heroin, and within the week Buprenorphine.
Sheesh, that's 41 substances. There's probably something I just can't think of I've tried.... It's been a lot over the past 2-3 years.
Duration of Addiction/Dependence
I want to state, I never did any drugs to escape problems like a lot of people seem to do, I only do drugs to entertain myself while on the computer, relax and just chill, etc. and MAINLY to enhance music. Chasing music enhancement stems from my incredible experiences with 4-MMC.
It started with synthetic cannabinoids, as they were super cheap in comparison to the weed I was used to buying, and offered a similar high. I bought a few JWH powders, but eventually tried some blends made by vendors with the ratios and cannabinoids used listed. I bought a blend exclusively from one guys about 4 times, and enjoyed it highly. It lasted a long time, and was fluffy and tasted great. Shared it with my step dad who said he preferred regular weed instead, but took a hit every once in a while. Eventually sampled AM-2201 and AM-1248. AM-1248 is where I first fucked up. I had it in powder form and it was brand new to the market when I sampled it, with little to no reports. Anyways, it really doesn't differ much from AM-2204 other than its duration, which is incredibly short (thank god). I dosed by eyeballing an amount of powder on the tip of a knife and placing it in the bowl of my bong that had tobacco ash in it. As soon as I took the hit, I KNEW it was way to much. Experience the so called "fear" as everyone calls it, and thought I was going to fucking die right there and was freaking out, thinking I knew fucking with drugs was going to get me killed or land me in the hospital. But its literally 35 minutes duration had the effects were off quickly and I was baseline in like 40 minutes back to normal. Still smoked it until I used it all, ODd on it once more unfortunately. Eventually read info that had some scientific backing about how bad synthetic cannabinoids were and I completely stopped using them. After this I could no longer smoke weed, I got bad anxiety no matter what.... I smoked it for 3 years straight without a problem and after messing with synthetic noids for a while, am now stricken with anxiety issues but I'll talk about that more in adverse effects.
Eventually I sampled other things and moved on, learning synthetic cannabinoids are terrible for you and have swore them off. Haven't had any synth noids in close to a year now. Tried to source new stimulants that would rival 4-MMC. I was constantly searching for that high again, but still to this day never found it. Could be I lost the magic, could be that a lot of RC stims just suck. Closest I got is with 4-FA. I've been using 4-FA off and on for about a 2 years now. Never binged on it, and usually spaced out doses with a week or two in between. LATELY, I've had a bit of a problem taking Adderall and 4-FA multiple days in a row for weeks now. Not everyday, but enough to build a noticeable tolerance to the desirable effects. I still have yet to try pure MDMA, which I'm sure will live up to my expectations from 4-MMC, if not surpass them.
I'm not very big into psychedelics, they make me feel "off" whenever I take them and with most Phenethylamines I get the annoying leg twitches/tremors and feel jittery. I took 2C-I around 4-5 times, once while at a dubstep show (where I experience no negative effects, with really strengthens the point that setting plays a big role in drug experience !!!!!!). Every other time I was at home and felt uneasy during most of the trips but thought they were decently fun. Shrooms was a terrible trip as I mentioned above, just wanted it to end shortly after eating them. I only did DOC once, it was very comparable to 2C-I but with more of an LSD like feel (though I haven't tried LSD, just from what I've read on effects/feelings). It did however last WAY to long, though I knew it going in, and by 8 hours or so I was just ready for it to end... During the middle of trip shit went bad and I had kaleidoscope vision along with a racing heart and had to lie down for like 45 minutes before it passed. Not to sure why it happened, but I was watching a movie when I straight up hallucinated things happening in the movie that i KNEW weren't there but looked so damn real then noticed my vision was fucked. My last psychedelic experience was with 4-AcO-DET, and you can find my report on it in the Big N Dandy thread. It is the best psychedelic I've tried to date. Zero negative feelings, everything was super interesting and fun and very retrospective, and I was asleep 4.5 hours after dosing.
So I'm still always searching for a comparable drug to my 4-MMC experience other than 4-FA, and tried a-PVP. THIS single experience is another huge ass reason I get anxiety every time I take a stimulant. Insufflated 25-30mg and got pretty high with a LOT of euphoria for a about 20 minutes before shit went south. Heart started beating out of my chest like crazy, got scared I was going to have a heart attack. At one point, my heart rate was up to 186 BPM ! Thought I was dead as fuck but I settled down after hours of pacing and laying down. Bad time. A huge reason I'll NEVER binge on stimulants and will NEVER become addicted to any stimulant. I get to much anxiety. I take them when I have a benzo only now a days.
So from the info above, I was never addicted to anyone one substance really. I was more addicted to being "high" on something than anything else. I tried whatever I could get, but of course after reading as much as I could find on it. I should also mention I bought a scale a long while back when I realized I HAD to have one.
Now for my actual addiction. Around November-December 2011, I was sent a generous 1g sample of MXE. It was amazing, I fell in love with it after a couple uses. I was sent 2 more samples, which varied in potency but in the end provided the same effect. I started off by taking it orally for the first couple months, and holed many times. The hole is what I really was chasing after. What I would do is work my dosage up to a hole. Take 30mg, play some Skyrim for a couple hours, redose 30mg again and then once more at which point I was certain to be able to hole. I'd then lay in my bed with my headphones on, close my eyes and start a playlist of electronic music. The closed eyed visuals were extremely space like, and accompanied by the tempo/beat of the music was an extremely strong sensation of my body moving through space, up, down, side to side. I would go through tunnels and go on a sort of musical journey that was mind blowing to me and I LOVED doing it. It was incredible music enhancement and I felt like every song I listened to was made for that exact purpose. I eventually switched ROAs to sublingual, which was much more efficient BA wise, and continued my MXE use. When I first started, it was every couple days. Sometimes multiple days in a row, but not everyday. Chasing the hole though, I ended up using MXE every single night I had it. I ordered it 1g at a time. When I had switched to sublingual, my starting dosage was around 30-35mg. That got me pretty high, and I would mainly play Skyrim and get lost in its world with all the dissociation. It was a wonderful feeling, full of warmth and euphoria.
Throughout my MXE use, I went through multiple vendors. This means the quality and consistency of the product often varied. I did stick with some vendors for extended periods of time, but my main one eventually closed business. I learned that there were different
kinds of MXE. One with a more "manic" high that got me more fucked up, not necesarrily in a good way, with incredibly random doses. I sought out the off white granular kind, it was the original high I got and had the best hole experience for music. The other kind for some reason couldn't bring me to the same hole, it had a darker feeling to it and persistently trying to make it happen is where my MXE use became a problem to my parents. I experienced what I want to call an MXE "blackout". I was dosing like normal, but with a different than normal vendors product (the one with more mania), slowly working my way up with 30-40mg sublingual doses every 30-45 minutes or so. This happened to me probably about 6 times. Only 2 had my parents aware. The first time it happened, I don't really remember to much. I must have taken to much, and thought my entire "life" was actually a controlled experiment and that I wasn't really part of society. That I was just being observed. I sat up in my bed and looked around. My TV looked like it was smashed and broken, and all the lights were on in the hallway and were super bright. I started freaking out, wondering what was happening. I went into the spare bedroom, and somehow saw the room as completely empty, missing the two beds, dresser and tv in it. I even turned the light on and continued to panic more. I ran downstairs and tried to open the front door of the house, when I realized the door knob was gone (though it really wasn't), and was completely freaking the fuck out. Sort of becomes fuzzy there and then I came too in my bed with my mother sitting beside my bed. I kept thinking the DEA had raided the house, and was having audio hallucinations that sounded like the house was being sprayed with something around the perimeter. I kept asking my mom why is the DEA here and she said there not, you're just having a bad trip. I eventually settled down and came to reality. To this date those have to be the most realistic hallucinations I've ever had. Everything that was in a room was GONE in my eyes, with the light on. I just saw empty bed frames and that was it, and the door knob missing on the front door was another mind fuck. I couldn't escape the house.
My parents warned me this better not happen again and I tried explaining it was a new batch and that I don't know how or why it happened. I still don't really know how the fuck it happened. I wasn't taking extreme doses, just doing what I always do. This ended up happening AGAIN with my parents calming me down with a similar batch again, just not exactly the same hallucinations. I don't remember what happened that time, just that I was told I had a MXE freakout
again. I was pissed it had happened again, and still completely baffled. This is where my parents said I'm not allowed to do it anymore. While I'm an adult and have my own job, go to college, I still live with them and they unfortunately dictate what I can and can't do.
Of course, this didn't stop me for to long. They took my MXE away along with my scale. My step dad was furious about it, my mother more so just concerned. She was more friendly about drug use then he was, and after a week without use persuaded her to give it back to me. Didn't have any problems for about 5 days or so of use until once again I noticed I had gotten to a hole like state of scary delusion. These are the states that happened 4 more times or so but were contained to my room and never woke anyone up. In my MXE induced state, I thought there was a group of people in my room watching the TV with me, and that there was some sort of awards show or something on that was aimed at me and I had influence over. It's hard to explain exactly what it was, but it was definitely some sort of scary hole I was in. The thing that was reoccurring and alerted me to the fact I was having another bad MXE experience was my iPhone looking like it had been melted or broken, with the screen still working though, but misshapen in my hand and
felt gooey. Also the presence of other people in the room, though not distinct as it always seemed like i FELT like they were there but never actually saw them distinguishably. Either way it always ended up with this TV thing where I was interacting with the program on TV and it was being broadcasted live to everyone in the US. God I wish I could explain this better.
Even with all that I still continued to use MXE. However, one night I gave some 4-MEC to my parents and my step dad insufflated a little to much and apparently had a small panic attack. They came upstairs high and started yelling at me saying all my drugs are out of the house and are going to be thrown away, it's all done with. Took my entire drug box, which had quite the collection going mind you, and pitched it all (besides the stimulants which my mother secretly kept, as she still does 4-FA and adderall and shit to be more productive behind my step dads back). I tried arguing with them they were just high and weren't thinking straight, which they weren't really. They accused me of being high, but I was actually perfectly sober playing Skyrim on the computer. Either way, my shit was thrown out and my scale hidden somewhere.
Few weeks passed and I decided to try to order MXE and get the mail before they do. I only ever do drugs at nighttime in my room after it gets dark, and getting away with MXE use will be easy, assuming I don't have any more freakouts. Looking back on this, this was clear psychological addiction. I definitely wanted to keep doing MXE, even after I was told I couldn't have it. I put cash on a moneypak so a charge to my debit card wouldn't be seen, and ordered a gram. Found my scale in a cupboard, and eventually got the MXE in the mail and started doing it again every night. Didn't experience to many more "bad" experiences. I mostly got moderately high and played CoD and other games. Not sure exactly when, but my ROA had switched from sublingual to plugging (after much debate since I had never done it before), and had been using that ROA ever since. I would plug 30-40mg and continually redose throughout the night with the same amount 3-5 times then fall asleep. This is probably 3 months into daily addiction, including the forced break. I continued to do it in secret and did a fairly good job at hiding it. Sometimes though my I would talk to my brother when he came over after dosing and he would ask me the next day why my speech was slurred, to which I never noticed it was. I even tried recording myself speaking while on MXE and couldn't tell.
Gosh this is long, sorry to anyone who decides to read this. Anyways, eventually my brother and mom asked and I said yea I had been using it again and she said just don't ever comedown stairs while on MXE so my step dad doesn't see me on it. So I continued to use MXE daily, all the way until January 12th, 2013. By this time, my dosage was MUCH to high. I made a post in the 11th Big N Dandy thread saying I'm done for no, there's no good effects at even heroic doses anymore. I'll just quote it instead of restating it:
Well I'm done with MXE for a while. There's no point in doing it anymore, I literally get no effect from super high doses. My tolerance is just crazy and honestly I've probably destroyed whatever receptor was giving me the high. I went through a single gram I ordered in 2 nights, then thought maybe it was just a bad batch so ordered another gram. Almost went through the entire gram in a single night. I would keep plugging around 60-80mg every 10 minutes or so and didn't feel much of anything. I mean I was slightly messed up but it was like it just made me feel normal.
I thought ill just up the dose, tried plugging 120mg, still didn't feel much of anything. Tried the same dose about 15 minutes later. Nope. So yea no point for a while. I have been using MXE almost daily for over a year now. It wasn't daily for the first few months but it's probably been close to daily for about 8 months or so. Every night when I get home from work or class I will stay up for a few hours doing MXE while on the computer then just pass out.
It was fun. Shit is terribly addictive though. Haven't had any MXE in like 4 days or so. Not really missing it honestly.
I was very much psychologically addicted to MXE. It has been exactly 1 month and 14 days since I last used MXE. To be honest, this is just a tolerance break. I haven't had any real thoughts about wanting it or tried to source it at all, but I've already decided I'm going to again eventually, I just need my tolerance to lower some to make it worth my time. In the end, guess I'm still psychologically addicted, but the past month and 14 days haven't really given a thought about MXE. Only typing this out has made me want to do some, meaning I'll probably source it within a month......
Currently I'm doing whatever I get my hands on, as I have ZERO money to spend on drugs. I have been trading xanax for Adderall, taking some of my mothers 4-FA with permission, and sourcing opiates from somewhere where I earn the money without having to do anything, but only make enough for small amounts every few weeks. I refilled my Xanax script today, though it's an incredibly low dose. 0.25 x20
I don't use it recreationally really, just for comedowns and as needed for my anxiety problems. I'm getting tired of uppers though and should have my Buprenorphine soon. It's a single suboxone film, but should give me 16x 0.5mg doses since I have extremely little tolerance.
Adverse Effects
Now I despise stimulant comedowns and always experience anxiety during stimulant use, after and during the comedown and still some the next day usually, and I believe a single dose of 4-FA (130mg orally) that was from a bad batch that put me in the hospital plays a big role in my stimulant anxiety, along with my synthetic cannabinoid use. I dosed 130mgs of 4-FA during the middle of the day with my girlfriend, I only gave her around 95mgs, and we ended up messing around pretty much the entire night until I took her home. I eventually started to get tingling in my extremities that started spreading throughout my entire body. I felt very faint, and everytime I got up experienced head rushes and would fall to the ground. So I had to get up very slowly to prevent this. Thought my blood pressure was out of wack, and tried pacing around, tried taking a hot shower, also tried laying down but nothing seemed to make the
feeling I had go away. This was all accompanied by a racing heart. Eventually I was pacing in circles downstairs and my step dad asked me what was wrong. I said I dunno, think it might be what I took. He asked if I was ok, and I said no I think I need to go to the hospital. The body tingling was getting extreme and starting to scare me. He woke up my mother and they took me to the hospital. During the car ride the tingling started to take over my entire head and I felt like my vision was fading. Thought I was going to die in the car but get into the ER and they gave me an ativan and made me drink charcoal.
Doctors diagnosis was Hypokalemia, or low potassium levels. They were dangerously low according to him, and said it's most likely the reason I felt the tingling and my heart was having palpitations/racing. Electrolyte imbalances are can be deadly and I'm definitely lucky to be alive. I might actually have died if I didn't go to the hospital. Ever since then I always make sure to eat something with potassium in it and take magnesium when taking a stimulant, along with staying hydrated.
My synthetic cannabinoid use, in my opinion, is the reason I have an anxiety disorder. I think MXE has also contributed to it, as sometimes the day after use would be full of depersonalization and feeling manic with over bright vision.
So long term effects I still experience from my drug use is anxiety and also noticeable changes in short term memory and vision. My short term memory BLOWS from MXE use, but is noticeably getting better. My vision if staring at a white wall or looking outside on a bright day has noticeable static or fuzz, but it doesn't interfere with anything I do and is only really noticeable when I look for it.
Other than that, my MXE use hasn't caused any known problems. Might have slightly altered my personality, but I'm not sure as that's something I wouldn't really notice myself....
Warnings and Advice
What can I saw, I do MXE because it basically has no hangover, has no comedown, and no other real negative effects to speak off. It offers me a high I love and want every night.
But if you can, stay away from it. There's a reason so many people post in the MXE thread, it's easy as fuck to get psychologically addicted to it if you like it when you try it. You'll want it again.
Miscellaneous
Sorry, this post is huge. But maybe it'll help someone out, who knows. Thought I'd share my story of how I came to know drugs and where I am now.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
