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March staying clean thread

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I feel like joining you again, since I'm struggling for almost a month already. Thing is, as a few of you might now, I'm studying in Japan for four months, startet in February. The last months before leaving for Japan were up and down drugwise, heroin & weed most mostly. But the last few weeks I had a good grasp on it and managed to stay clean.
However, since I'm here, I drink a lot of alcohol, not only when I go out to party but also alone. Typically a litre of beer on a weekdays evening and even more on the weekend, like half a bottle of whisky. It's that despite being a lot around people who care for me, I feel very lonely. I miss my gf and being around europeans/westerners in general, Japanese are very nice to me but I just can't connect to them as I do with people at home. Communicating is horribly difficult since my Japanese is very bad if existing at all, and most Japanese speak no or little English. It's incredibly exhausting to be under observation most of the time, not like locals stare at me but I simply stick out, taller than most, blonde hair, not used to Japanese etiquette & behaviour. I knew that it would be hard, but feeling that kind of culture shock is more devastating than I imagined, at least partly.

I just recognized that my indulging in alcohol keeps me from integrating, and even from keeping in touch with home. It's my second sober day, and right now I feel pretty good. I want to do everything possible to manage the times ahead without a bottle.
 
48 hours since my last Opana line, approx. 2.5mg; 20mg/day insufflated habit. I feel good. I feel great. Up in the Rockies (from Buffalo) surrounded by awesome people who know what's going on. Keep your heads up, and surround yourself you can open to emotionally, and remember time never stops - sometimes it hurts, others it heals - But it will never stop.
 
Damn this insomnia from opiate PAWS is driving me INSANE. Not going to get high though won't do shit for me but give me a good nights sleep and one hell of an obsession %)
 
Stay strong, Mass! Eventually things will go back to normal.
Just gotta knuckle down and battle on through.
<3
 
I just want to cry today. I'm going to lunch with a friend, and I hope the miserable feelings pass.
 
^^ timber, try and work your way out of it.. list as many things as you can that you love, list all the parts of life you love, everything your thankful for, think of everything good anyone has done for you in your whole life... What your feeling isn't real (ha easy for me to say rite now:\), it is just the addicted part of your brain trying to bully you back to using.. hang in there you are doing great. all that junk passes... stay strong your amazing and all that junk in your head is bullshit.. you are a beautiful person that has everything to look forward to, make a list of all the insane shit your going to do in your life!!! Every time you addiction tries to make you feel like the lowest piece of shit with no hope... laph like an insane demon, let it know you know it cant hurt you anymore, that all its got is a load of manipulating BS, the addiction is pushing hard because its scared, its scared because it knows you figured out its power is only a harmless illusion and you are hear to KILL IT=D

<3<3

LAUGH LIKE A DEMON... Let it know its got no chance in hell:X
 
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Haven't been smoking weed for almost a week now, starting to feel pretty good actually. Feel a lot more clear in my head, the insomnia and night sweating seems to be subsiding but the problem is, my psychotic symptoms are getting a bit worse now that there's no CBD in my system to keep the paranoia at bay. Interestingly, it seems that now smoking tobacco is starting to make me somewhat paranoid too. I use a regular pipe for tobacco and the instant I light it up and inhale, crazy thoughts and fears are flooding my brain, suddenly I'm scared that there's microphones and cameras everywhere and really stupid stuff like that, luckily it doesn't last for long. So it got me thinking, perhaps it's time to kick tobacco too, and as a matter of fact, I've transitioned from smoking to smokeless tobacco (how I usually kick tobacco with my on-off smoking habit).

I'm sort of still stuck with some old habits because there was a time when I felt that they were good for me and it's been quite hard to admit to myself that I really can't use them anymore because they're actually making me feel so much worse, especially in the long term. Those positive memories can be damn hard to refute, even after countless of bad experiences with many drugs sending me towards the psychotic state of functioning, the brain still thinks it can achieve a nice high from them.

Damn right I'm tossing out recreational drug use from my life, my aim is to be as stable as possible person mentally! I have come to accept that I may need some medication possibly for the rest of my life, but I'm not going to let that become an excuse for any kind of abuse.
 
Timber, I feel you. I spent most of last Friday doing exactly that, spent good chunks of it just crawled under my duvet praying for sleep as some respite from the world and weeping. It was not a good day. I've been concentrating primarily on fixing the drinking as the one that got problematic and became most damaging, I have to consider just how much my occasional drug use contributes to my overall mental and emotional state too lately. I think some of it has been beneficial and therapeutic in helping me understand and address the roots of the alcoholism, or discover what they are so I can work on them at least, but perhaps it's got beyond occasional and beyond beneficial now. I don't think it's impacting on mood mostly but perhaps I should do more to find out?
 
Hey timber sorry to hear about your struggles. Keep your head up!

I hope everyone has had a good day! Great posts Sepher and Neversick!

Moving into my sober house tomorrow...ah I'm actually really excited...Good recovery ahead.
 
neversickanymore said:
^^ timber, try and work your way out of it.. list as many things as you can that you love, list all the parts of life you love, everything your thankful for, think of everything good anyone has done for you in your whole life... What your feeling isn't real (ha easy for me to say rite now:\), it is just the addicted part of your brain trying to bully you back to using.. hang in there you are doing great. all that junk passes... stay strong your amazing and all that junk in your head is bullshit.. you are a beautiful person that has everything to look forward to, make a list of all the insane shit your going to do in your life!!! Every time you addiction tries to make you feel like the lowest piece of shit with no hope... laph like an insane demon, let it know you know it cant hurt you anymore, that all its got is a load of manipulating BS, the addiction is pushing hard because its scared, its scared because it knows you figured out its power is only a harmless illusion and you are hear to KILL IT=D

<3<3

LAUGH LIKE A DEMON... Let it know its got no chance in hell:X
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I'm afraid some of it is real, and maybe some of it is being colored by where I am at and the depression post withdrawal. Going home this weekend drove home many of the things I've been wanting to escape from in the same way a 3/4" railroad spike feels when pounded through the heart with a sledgehammer. Ironically going home was the one thing that kept me going this week, even when I didn't want to at all.

Right now I feel like I've been lying to myself, covering up, and hiding the truth of where some things really are at in my life, marriage, and other things. I've been so busy with school, and with an apartment a state away to escape to I've been able to ignore a lot of things on a day to day basis -- so I don't think about them. Its another part of things I drowned away in pills to be on that "more even keel every day" ... I know I'm feeling things a lot more amplified than I normally would, but I'm not feeling them because they aren't there -- I feel like I'm just more conscious of them, and they hurt a lot more at the moment. I'm not sure what is and what isn't fixable ... not sure if I can live with these things if they aren't.

The whole thing is looking like a car stuck on the railroad tracks, and I can see the train coming, but I don't know if I can do anything to stop it. Some of it could change quickly with a different job for her, but some of it I can't change for several years, and I'm beginning to think I made a major mistake 5 years ago. That was my rock to wind a string around, and I'm feeling a lot like my whole world is unraveling. I'm feeling the pain, and weight of my own choices, and the pain, and the weight of her choices. Its sitting about as well as a brick floats in the water. Its not threatening my choice to stay clean -- it is threatening something else, and that is why I am tremendously sad.

I'm going to sit on this for awhile because I know some of it is colored by the depression. Its just where I am, right now, at this point in time, and I can no more stop the tears than I can stop the sun from rising. No matter what I do or don't do, the sun will still rise tomorrow, I still wont like the taste of plain water, and I'll still have a ton of work to do in the week and a half before I can see my wife again. Its just a little bit (well a lot) harder to throw myself back into it without thinking about it, without that bit of my life intruding into my conscious thoughts. Tonight I guess I have the time to let those emotions flow, but tomorrow I better be pretty well numb to it or I wont get done what I need to. Another mask for the world when I feel like a wreck inside. I've been putting on one for a couple years, and I guess I can do it for a few more weeks. There is nothing that will make me like it; it just is.
 
Sepher said:
Timber, I feel you. I spent most of last Friday doing exactly that, spent good chunks of it just crawled under my duvet praying for sleep as some respite from the world and weeping. It was not a good day. I've been concentrating primarily on fixing the drinking as the one that got problematic and became most damaging, I have to consider just how much my occasional drug use contributes to my overall mental and emotional state too lately. I think some of it has been beneficial and therapeutic in helping me understand and address the roots of the alcoholism, or discover what they are so I can work on them at least, but perhaps it's got beyond occasional and beyond beneficial now. I don't think it's impacting on mood mostly but perhaps I should do more to find out?
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There is no doubt that this can suddenly make you realize "Oh yeah, now I remember why I want/wanted to escape ...". I guarantee every single one of us in this thread has their reasons, and some of them are probably pretty damn good reasons -- at least as far as causing some serious pain. The suck is suddenly feeling all of this stuff again, and sometimes it just doesn't sit well. Some of it maybe looks worse than it is, but some of it probably is what led us both down the path in the first place. I just got a miserable dose of it -- followed 20 seconds later by a call from my wife that was expressing her disappointment that I didn't stay another day since the schools were closed due to the storm. Not that it would have mattered as far as what is hurting right now. I know she loves me, Sepher. This whole process can make you feel pretty lousy at times. I have no doubt that it is impacting on my mood severely. 60 miles in my truck in the snow with tears in my eyes pretty much erased any doubt of that. If you can take those things in abstractly or in a purely analytical basis without feeling the emotions attached you are in a far better place than I today, but you might still have a ton of things to work on to make yourself fully at peace with them. I don't know, Sepher, and I'm not sure what the limits of what is appropriate to ask is on here. I am curious what you think led you to that path though?

I have no doubt that I have some mental health issues to solve, and probably most of the people in this thread have a few that are major contributors to why they ended up using XYZ in the first place. Just as I'm sure there are a few who thought this drug or whatever was fascinating, and that is their whole reason; I expect that those folks have an easier time of it -- but I could well be wrong. I try not to judge the pain of anyone else; its always subjective to the person, and unique in how they experience it. I definitely know I have some issues with approval of others, and one person in particular. heh I know surviving a progressive illness, and a ton of pride issues that I wouldn't accept help for also drove this for me. Plus trying to do more than I should/could/was truly wise. If I didn't have unreasonable expectations I wouldn't have the stress I have now, but I also wouldn't have the potential future I have now. I wouldn't feel so much like my world is unraveling either.

Maybe I've been naive. I'm realizing so much the withdrawal isn't the problem, its dealing with the stuff that comes after that truly sucks. I haven't made as much of a mess of it as some people, but damn if I don't want to crawl in a hole and tell the entire world to !()@$* off -- I'm closed for business -- you can wait, go away. I don't have the luxury of that -- not unless I want to eat 20K and throw my testicles onto the sacrificial fire to try to get back into school. Can't stop, can't stop the rock, you know?

I know a lot of what drove this for me... I had some truly unrealistic delusion for what the outcome of the experimental treatment would be, and what my life would be like after. I made a ton more promises than I can really keep; even if I was fully well. I had far too much faith that I would ...she would... God would... smooth out the rough edges, and I would just sort of coast into what I wanted, because it was what I had told myself -- this is what I will do if I ever get well enough to get the chance to do it. So many doors opened that I kind of forced myself to believe it. I went from a place where I couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't hear, couldn't write, and couldn't see -- to be where I am at now. Behold the power of God and all of that, and I'm not dissing God. I lost speech in 2002, and the ability to write (severe dysgraphia). I had to learn how to talk and write again. I lost the ability to walk without aids in 2002, I had to learn how to walk again. I lost mid-range hearing in 2004, I had to learn to read lips. I regained mid-range hearing a few years later. My vision went wonky, and I got it back on the experimental treatment. So if I have some delusions -- maybe I have some reasons to. I met an amazing woman, and maybe too close on the rebound from a nasty divorce. Hell if I didn't promise her the world, Sepher, because I did, and I had every reason to. Every single month things got better for me, and I got a little bit more of something back. Life in the Christian bubble, you know? I never thought I would run into complications, or nastiness from the disease would rear its ugly head again. I never thought it would be a struggle again. I never imagined I would have to lock my guns in the safe to keep me from wanting to use them ... I never thought I would be afraid to fail at any of this again because I never thought it was possible. I never thought I would have any trouble giving up the pretty damn serious pain drugs they had me on. I never thought I would use them for a couple years to escape the pain of where I was at. Sounds pretty damn unreasonable when I type it out now, does it not? Did I not weep for the life I had before I got sick? How did I get so caught up in my own bull that I couldn't expect it to be a challenge anymore?

Why should any of it be difficult? Why should any of it hurt? I did all of this before, and I overcame whatever was there right? Why should anything be beyond me now? The truth is, I'm human, and I've @$)*ed up plenty along the way. So are the other people I deal with, and they've put up with plenty. I can't even come to terms with their disappointments, but I'm still feeling p*** ass sorry for myself for my own with myself, and in others. Its all raw, harsh, and coarse now. I ripped off the band-aid to smooth it out, and I guess I expected a healed would and not a gaping sore infected with every kind of nastiness I couldn't ignore. I suppose I expected it wouldn't hurt like hell still, but it does, and in fact, it hurts worse.

I lost some marbles along the way I think, Sepher. I know plenty here have lost more than a little bit of their sanity. Its just a really bloody rough day, and I so want to wake up tomorrow from this day and not have to face the same things. I just know that wont happen, but maybe, just maybe, I can deal with it a little easier then -- because this truly sucks right now.
 
^^ i'm sure some of it is real.. I'm not the biggest NA/AA pusher.. but even if the fellowship leaves allot to be desired the steps are solid and can easily be stated without the use of god. The limbic system of your brain is where the addiction lives and operates from. Because we have reprogrammed the dopamine reward pathway to think that taking the drug is necessary in order for you or the species to live. know it is using all its strings to drive you there. It controls your emotions, your mood, can stimulate memories, basically it is telling you I will make you feel this way until you use.. you have no other choice but to use.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limbic_system
http://its.sdsu.edu/multimedia/mathison/limbic/index.htm

So it will use all that these articles show are in its command to drive you to use.. it controls the craving for water (thirst), the craving for food (hunger), sleep and wake cycles (insomnia), energy levels (fatigue), mood (depression), pleasure and pain, all the emotions

This "language" has words showing these emotions:
Simple emotions
discovery - confusion
surprise - no surprise - expectation
wonder - surprise - commonplace
happiness - unhappiness
amusement - weariness
courage - timidity - cowardice
pity - cruelty
Complex emotions
pride - modesty- shame
closeness - detachment - distance
complaint/pain - doing average - pleasure
caution - boldness - rashness
patience - mere tolerance - anger
relaxation - composure - stress
envy - goodwill
Pure emotions
fear - nervousness - security
togetherness - privacy
respect - disrespect
appreciation - envy
love - no love lost - hatred
hope - despair
confusion - being confused

EDIT: This is another view on emotions

Robert Plutchik's theory



Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions
This says that the basic eight emotions are:
Fear → feeling afraid. Other words are terror (strong fear), shock, phobia
Anger → feeling angry. A stronger word is rage.
Sadness → feeling sad. Other words are sorrow, grief (a stronger feeling, for example when someone has died) or depression (feeling sad for a long time). Some people think depression is a different emotion.
Joy → feeling happy. Other words are happiness, gladness.
Disgust → feeling something is wrong or dirty
Trust → a positive emotion; admiration is stronger; acceptance is weaker
Anticipation → in the sense of looking forward positively to something which is going to happen. Expectation is more neutral.
Surprise → how one feels when something unexpected happens

as well as all the other things it controls.. so looking at this Timber is it still real, yes there are real things that you are associating with the onslaught that the limbic is hitting you with but in a normal head you wouldn't be looking at it that way.. you sound like you would be better off putting up a fight against the LS.. the way you do that is to start working the steps from NA/AA. The reason they work is because the psychologically address and remove the ammunition from the Limbic system.. rite it sends out shame and the memories of shameful things you have done, or it sends out anger and memories of all the resentments you have against people that have hurt you. Well here is a list of steps without god involved for those who don't dig the HP part.. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and tens sole purpose is to take this ammunition your getting hit with away and try and prevent it from coming back... it sounds like its hitting you hard.. Maybe you are here to KILL IT!! HAHAHHHAHHA.. There's no way in HELL!! HAHAHa

how about this twelve step list comprised without god or hp.

1. admitted that we had a problem with addiction and needed help to sort it out.
2.thought that with a little help we might be able to live without problems from our addiction.
3. decided to follow our hearts.
4. wrote down a list of all the bad shit we did and all the bad shit that was done to us.
5. In writing that list and telling another person we were forced to face the fact that all that stuff was real.
6, once we admitted to ourselves that all that stuff was real and told another person we received the natural psychological healing that comes when anyone has the courage to do this. got those things off our chest,realized that that stuff wasn't as big a deal as we made it out to be, took away that fear of someone finding out, relieved guilt and shame from us and anger towards others...
7. forgave ourselves and others
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11 continued to listen to and follow our hearts, and developed courage and confidence to believe in our hearts and actually went where it told us.
12. Having learned how to recover from addiction we helped others with their struggles.


<3<3 Hang in there.. I'm telling your thought, emotion, mood, energy, etc, are all being manipulated with one purpose.. to try and drive you to use.. but really buy throwing a boat load of unjust emotion and mood to spike memories of things done because of your addiction isn't the best way to motivate someone who is thinking clearly to use. Hear feel better about all the the bad things (that i have magnified and blown out of proportion) you did because of drugs buy taking more drugs.. HA only an addiction would think to solve the problems of use buy using.. all drains lead to the see with addiction.. you feel bad, you feel good, you feel ok, It just sits there and continues to insist.. instead of giving it reasons not to all the time.. ask it Why should I Use? tire it out as there is no good reason for that.. you are getting better the fact that it is pushing so hard maybe means your at a wall (a final insane push buy the addiction before it lets up greatly!!!), don't give up right before it throws in the temporary white towel.. don't give up right before the miracle happens.. it will i'm not just blowing smoke up your ass!!! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT<3<3

will proof read tomorrow, have to read my kiddo to bed.. hang tuff all.. HAHAHAHAH.. there is no way in HELL!!!=D
 
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March has been the worst & perhaps best month for me recovery-wise. I'd graduated a yearlong therapeutic community & was sticking around working & saving up before going to uni in August. I gave up 8 months clean in late February when I decided a shot of dope would be nice.

Earlier this month I started doing more dope, lying about my work schedule, etc. It came to a head when me & one of my former best friends drove 2 hours east to my hometown to cop on the way to Raleigh, another 2 hours later. I spent over $250 that night when all was said and done, accidentally overdrafting my bank account & thereby falling behind on my word to my mother to pay her each week for my debts.

The centre figured out I was lying about being at work all night, so they asked me & I fessed up, leading them to search me. They found paraphernalia & dismissed me from the programme. I had to tell my family how bad I had fucked up when all had been going so well.

I'm now at an Oxford house with a shitload more freedom, even if I am walking anywhere from 3-8 miles a day for errands, meetings, and work. Getting caught has reinspired me to stay away from heroin & IV drugs in general, but it's so fucking hard. I don't understand how this afternoon I get a text from my dopeman about how "he got meeee!!!" literally less than 5 minutes before I pass by his apartment complex & don't get an overwhelming urge & at 8pm my father calls & I feel great talking with him about the past few days & wanting to stay clean, talking to my grandmother & mother about the same--genuinely wanting to not use--then I'm shooting pool with my roommate & he says if you win this game, we're getting high tonight or I come onto BL and see people talking about dope from up north, and the urge is incredible.

I think I understand that when I add dope into my life, it begins to take over... But maybe I don't. I struggle a lot with it. I know I'm not ready to give up other drugs, but I'm trying to do the NA thing for now.

Now I don't think school in August is still on the table, so I'm wondering if I should even bother with that & how much my decision will impact me forever. One of my best friends of 3 years suddenly isn't going to be able to go that treatment where I was (I presume because I got kicked out). I don't know how I'll really be able to work out, which has become a big part of my life. I have a serious transportation issue. I've disappointed my family & kind of myself. To top it all off, my 21st birthday is Sunday & now I have no one to spend it with unless I'm shooting dope (which I won't be). Life was going great until I fucked it up again. I can't leave well enough alone. I'm almost 21 and haven't progressed past AP courses in high school. I'll be at least 25 once I graduate at this rate & I'm paranoid that I won't go & will wind up regretting it forever. Excuse the rant; I needed to vent.
 
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AWESOME post neversickanymore!! Everything you say is so helpful, concise, and thoughtful.

--

Today is particularly hard for me because of an incident at work. If I'm on your friends list you can read about it in my blog, I just don't want to go into too much detail on here because I don't want someone to put two and two together. You never know.

But it just increase the urge for me to use SO much. Apparently anger is a trigger for me. More like massively pissed off. So I've just been sitting here on Bluelight and listening to music trying to clear my mind and relax and not be so angry. If this was a month ago I would've stuck in a needle into my arm & felt my problems melt away in less than a minute. But that's not an option anymore. It was for the past 2+ years and the fact that it's just gone now when I need it is devastating. It almost feels like the death of a friend that I'm mourning.
 
^^ Thanks RX, loved to hear that=D Apparently all the emotions including joy can be triggers for us all, and our addiction knows that and may try to get us to use buy using any or all kinds of combinations to convince us to make the choice of using. I know that emotions can feel unpleasant and trigger real memories we have, just remember that it gets much better, can be dealt with buy using the steps, that an honest look at the memory triggered, the emotion and level of that emotion experienced usually shows that something is amiss, and always welcome the emotions and remember to look at them for what they are an attempt to manipulate us into doing something that will ruin or lives or take them. If any one want an honest opinion on a triggered memory and whether their apparent appropriate emotional response is really even close to appropriate then PM me, ill tell you the truth and I don't give a rats ass what you did or was done to you, probably one of the least judgmental persons on the planet. when you tell someone your secrets they loose all power and will never have hold over you again.

Emotions that addiction will send at you to try and manipulate you to use.. Ha emotions feel like they hurt but in reality, addiction emotions can only try to fool you into hurting yourself. When your getting peppered with all those emotions remember their dark purpose, that they will go away, and that they cant hurt you and in these cases are so full of shit that they should be ignored, unfortunately for addiction, emotions are in the end just uncomfortable suggestions and can be ignored. Also while you are stuck with them for this little bit, just will them to turn off, consciously force the negative into a positive... for those that are familiar with the body zaps associated with opiate detox, if you can cause your self to have one of those you will have consciously taken control of the brain system that is making you miserable, i FOUND THAT IF I COULD MAKE A BODY ZAP HAPPEN THEN THE ENTIRE ADDICTION WOULD SHUT DOWN FOR LONGER AND LONGER PERIODS OF TIME.. if any of you are familiar with different meditation styles you may want to try and gain control this way.. If you are able to push back for a split second buy willing yourself to feel a certain way or produce a body zap then the addiction disappears (all of it including that insane argument that roles on in our heads).

Fear → feeling afraid. Other words are terror (strong fear), shock, phobia
Anger → feeling angry. A stronger word is rage.
Sadness → feeling sad. Other words are sorrow, grief (a stronger feeling, for example when someone has died) or depression (feeling sad for a long time). Some people think depression is a different emotion.
Joy → feeling happy. Other words are happiness, gladness.
Disgust → feeling something is wrong or dirty
Trust → a positive emotion; admiration is stronger; acceptance is weaker
Anticipation → in the sense of looking forward positively to something which is going to happen. Expectation is more neutral.
Surprise → how one feels when something unexpected happens


Don't listen to the demons they fill you with fear and despair and anger and every other trick in the book to try and convince you the only way you will ever be able to deal with life is to use.. THEY LIE and will give up long before you do.. stay strong all <3<3<3
 
I want to write alot but I have to walk home, getting done with my shitty job in a few minutes. You know this might sound weird/queer whatever the fuck you want to call it. But getting on bluelight, reading the posts in this thread and relating them to my own thoughts, feelings, and trials and tribulations is so comforting for whatever reason. I don't know most of you from a can of paint but I do know that we suffer from an obsession to escape this reality through chemical abuse and we are united in a fight to overcome this vice that sucks and rips and tears at our spirit 'till there's nothing left. I have six months clean from abusing drugs and I have moments of bliss I can't even describe. I feel so connected to other people and the world around me, like when I was younger. Other times I feel like shit, I wanna rob someone and shoot smack for days. It's dark and it's light...and that's life. But I really do believe it gets progressively better and someone said earlier in the thread that the pendulum begins swinging hard just before a major break through is made as some kind of *final* mental spasm or attempt to get the person to use. I hear that...happens to ring true in my life. Just for today I stayed clean. I even made a new friend in this world of lames and fakes. I love all you guys in a weird impersonal sort of way ha, cheers to everyone for trying and remember, as long as you make it to that pillow without putting waste into your body you were successful in at least one endeavor.
 
maniquan said:
I want to write alot but I have to walk home, getting done with my shitty job in a few minutes. You know this might sound weird/queer whatever the fuck you want to call it. But getting on bluelight, reading the posts in this thread and relating them to my own thoughts, feelings, and trials and tribulations is so comforting for whatever reason. I don't know most of you from a can of paint but I do know that we suffer from an obsession to escape this reality through chemical abuse and we are united in a fight to overcome this vice that sucks and rips and tears at our spirit 'till there's nothing left. I have six months clean from abusing drugs and I have moments of bliss I can't even describe. I feel so connected to other people and the world around me, like when I was younger. Other times I feel like shit, I wanna rob someone and shoot smack for days. It's dark and it's light...and that's life. But I really do believe it gets progressively better and someone said earlier in the thread that the pendulum begins swinging hard just before a major break through is made as some kind of *final* mental spasm or attempt to get the person to use. I hear that...happens to ring true in my life. Just for today I stayed clean. I even made a new friend in this world of lames and fakes. I love all you guys in a weird impersonal sort of way ha, cheers to everyone for trying and remember, as long as you make it to that pillow without putting waste into your body you were successful in at least one endeavor.
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I feel you.

Honestly, Bluelight has been one of the best things to happen to me.

<3
 
Almost got 15 months in my pocket. Huzzah. If this low down junkie can stay clean, I believe anyone can. Keep it up everyone and never give up
 
15 months!!
Whoah! =D
Just goes to show how achievable sobriety is.
Well done brother =D
I wish I kept an accurate count of how many days I have been meth-free.. I think the tally would make me an even happier person.
 
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