TDS Family found out about my heroin use

[Sepher]

^And also a +1 on Timber's post. Put's this parental 'over-reaction' in its correct perspective I think. SwimmingDancer's post also very good indeed.

Class-a-team, I understand why you think your parents reaction is ridiculous, how they're seeing a larger problem here than exists in your reality, cos they've been fed all the horror stories and it's stigmatised and what have you but there is good reason why it's stigmatised, and those horror stories have some truth in them. Noone likes to have their freedoms taken away or have stuff imposed on them but they just might be doing you a favour. Perhaps you should make the best of it?

I chipped for three years, no problem, nowhere near a habit. Went to uni, got through my first year right up near the top of my class, all fine. That changed in just one month, and then it was a seven year habit that turned me into a thief and landed me in jail twice. That is quite typical. Eight out of ten users I knew who started chipping went much the same way. Some are now dead. You'll read lots of posts on here from users adamant they can chip and it's all OK, they'll never get a habit and they'll NEVER use a needle. Quite often they turn up in TDS a year or two later down the line asking for detox advice. 'Nuff said.

 

[class-a-team]

Hey thanks again for all your input. I'm doing ok now, no longer suicidal but we'll see how long that lasts. I realise I probably came across a bit arrogant in my previous posts but I suppose I get very defensive about my heroin use. I live in a small town (approximately 7000 populants) and a lot of people now know I use and of course, there's a stigma attached to that and I feel the need to prove myself more than most. Ironically enough, the people with the biggest problem with heroin are the same people that know very little about drugs but take every drug under the sun except for heroin and do nothing with their lives. Actually, the people with the biggest problem with heroin in this town are the drug dealers themselves.

That's beside the point though. Yesterday my mother and I collected my belongings from my campus apartment and it was pretty grim. I'll be attending sessions with an addiction counsellor soon. I've been thinking though, this is probably all pointless. The only thing I regret about my heroin use is the last week and the terrible upset it has caused my mother. It's very hard to give up something that has had no negative impact on my life whatsoever, especially on the advice of people that know little about drugs, e.g. my family and my GP. They think I'm self-medicating or something, because I have spent the last 8 months on antidepressants. To me, however, the heroin use is completely separate to my "depression" if you call it that. I always avoided heroin when I was in a low mood and very rarely used alone. Heroin may have a reputation as having no social purposes but I mostly smoked heroin around my friends when they smoked weed. If anything I was more sociable than they were. I remember picking up a bag of heroin and going over to visit some friends and they were smoking weed. When I started smoking H all I wanted to do was chat but they just sat there like dummies, passing around the joints and saying very little.

A lot of you seem to be suggesting that heroin inevitably leads to chaotic and dysfunctional lifestyle of addiction. While this is true for many, I do believe it's far more complicated than that. Yes it might be one of the most addictive substances but I think that refers to the fact that it is so hard to quit when you're addicted, rather than you become addicted to it very easily. Once or twice I smoked for about three days in a row and I got really bored of being stoned. I don't think it's the funnest drug out there and I find you need to be sober some of the time to appreciate it. It's just a treat for me really.

One of the worst things about my family knowing is the feeling I have of being exposed or something. I feel like I have nothing left to hide and that scares me. I think what bothers them the most is the fact that they never knew despite me using right under their noses for the last two years. They think I'm a liar and that they don't really know me and it's probably all true. But I was never close to any of them - there's a big age gap between me and my older siblings who are twins, my father has a very minor role in my life since my parents' separation and I've never gotten on well with my mother, I never felt as though I could trust her. She's vindictive and controlling and has never acknowledged my right to privacy. With that said, I feel especially guilty about the fact that she knows I use. I didn't feel guilty about using but I feel really guilty about the fact she knows now. She worries I'm going to kill myself, run away or overdose on heroin. But I know that it's virtually impossible to OD from smoking heroin. I also feel bad about the fact that she has done an awful lot in the past to help me with my depression - and I do feel a whole lot better now - but now attributes my depression to my heroin use (which I think is unrealistic). And I always felt like I disappointment to her (that was my fault, not hers, I'm just overly sensitive to criticism) and that I wasn't even worth the money she spent on me despite being her daughter, so you can imagine how guilty I feel now.

With that said though, it'll be tough convincing me not to use. I promised my family I'd stop just to keep them happy but that answer isn't good enough for them. They want me to see the dangers but I can't. I'm just one of those people that has to try everything and look beyond the obvious before I make up my mind on anything. And I'm a total know-it-all when it comes to drugs (thanks Bluelight ) so none of their pseudo-science will convince me otherwise. I'm so far submerged in drug subculture that I have less regard for the opinions of health professionals and counsellors than that of Bluelight and Erowid users. Hence why my parents think the drugs have wrecked my head.

 

[neversickanymore]

Very best of luck.. It would be great if you posted the outcome, of your use as time goes buy,.. I would love to hear a happy heroin story that doesn't involve an insane climb out of addiction.

 

[PlesantlyOpiated42]

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate your advice.

Why I have a problem with quitting? Well I don't have a major problem with it. I'd give heroin up in a heartbeat if it meant I could have my personal freedom back. But no matter what I say/do my mother distrusts me so I have to live by her rules 24/7 here on in. I have a problem accepting that my heroin use is problematic because I know that lots of people can chip and it's not even my favourite drug, it just happens to be readily available. Also, I don't believe it's dangerous because I know that overdosing through smoking is virtually impossible. And I see no reason for why I'd graduate to injecting. As I said before, I have a steady, occasional habit with no tolerance. Smoking now feels the same as it did when I started two years ago, I use the same amount. But my mother doesn't believe me, she insists that I'm an addict and that the cold I have is withdrawals when it is evidently not. It doesn't matter anyway, the threat of regular drug tests is enough of a deterrent.

That's another thing that's pissing me off. Apparently I'm an addict. Many people drink several times a week and their behaviour is deemed to be normal, while I use once a week and get called an addict. It's so unfair. Alcohol causes a lot more complications for my mental health and diabetes than heroin. I know I don't have a problem, and if they just asked me to stop then I would, I just wish everyone else would see it!

What's also bothering me is how exposed I feel right now. A lot of people outside my family were aware I used drugs and now my parents are asking everyone they meet what they know. It feels horrible and I want to kill myself. I feel totally alienated amongst my family and totally alone. I have nothing left to hide and nothing left to save. Maybe I should be thankful this has happened - it could give me a final push to kill myself, something I've been considering for quite some time now.

One last thing, I'm a girl! People on here always assume I'm a guy

You are in a very dangerous place with that mindset, you're what I like to call "terminally unique". I've been there before thinking that I was different from everyone else and that I could handle opiates, but the truth is that I was playing with fire and I was bound to get burnt. Like they were saying, any use of heroin is a problem, no person that is sane would even consider putting heroin in there body. I didn't even smoke pot until I was 18 and I tried my first oxy about 6 months after that and by the time I was 20 I was banging dope. I always said I'll never get addicted to opiates, I can handle it, everyone else is just weak minded but that was just pure denial of the truth. If you play around with opiates long enough you will become addicted, we've all had some amount of successful chipping but its only a matter of time before you start using daily. I always said I'll never do dope, I'll just stick with the oxys. Until one day I couldn't find any oxys and the dope was right there waiting for me. Then when I started using dope, I said I'll never put a needle in my arm. I was deathly afraid of needles 2 years ago, I would almost faint when I got an IV at the hospital, but I gradually got over that fear and I began shooting myself up. The point that I'm trying to make is that none of us ever planned on shooting or even using heroin at all, but things just kinda happen and before you know it you're in full blown addiction shooting dope 5 times a day. We're all just trying to save you a whole lot of pain and suffering, nothing good will come out of using heroin, things steadily get worse. You cant sit there and compare yourself to other people, drinking a few times a week isn't even close to as bad as doing dope, thats not a relevant argument . You really just dont want to give up dope so you're finding any reason you can to keep using. If you have to try to control your usage, you have a problem already. You could very easily overdose smoking dope, thats a very dangerous thing to think that you cant. Best wishes to you man, I hope you reconsider things or be prepared to live in a world of misery.

 

[neversickanymore]

I said I'll never put a needle in my arm. I was deathly afraid of needles 2 years ago, I would almost faint when I got an IV at the hospital, but I gradually got over that fear and I began shooting myself up.

I've seen people "gradually" get over that.. in a weekend

 

[PlesantlyOpiated42]

A lot of you seem to be suggesting that heroin inevitably leads to chaotic and dysfunctional lifestyle of addiction. While this is true for many, I do believe it's far more complicated than that. Yes it might be one of the most addictive substances but I think that refers to the fact that it is so hard to quit when you're addicted, rather than you become addicted to it very easily. Once or twice I smoked for about three days in a row and I got really bored of being stoned. I don't think it's the funnest drug out there and I find you need to be sober some of the time to appreciate it. It's just a treat for me really.

You can believe whatever you want, but the reality of it is that it does cause massive amounts of chaos and dysfunction. By the way that you're speaking I can definitely say you're an addict, you try to find every reason you can to not stop, when the proof is right in front of you that heroin use comes with massive consequences. Millions of people have had the mindset you have now and they're either addicted or dead. I had no negative consequences for the first two years of my addiction, but the last two I've lost everything that I have and started stealing and selling drugs to support my habit. Turn back while you still can man, theres so much more to life than doing heroin. I've been clean 45 days and life is beautiful, it's a great feeling not to need drugs to be happy!

 

[PlesantlyOpiated42]

I've seen people "gradually" get over that.. in a weekend

I was definitely one of those people, its scary how fast things can change.

 

[Sepher]

Every single heroin addict who's ever walked the face of the planet told themselves they were different, they could handle it, they could use it on their own terms and would never be a junkie. Every single one. They were all wrong. The thing is, when you start changing your brain chemistry with heroin and discover the pleasures it seems to offer, the days you're not on on it just can't match the high of the days when you are. Normal suddenly seems to be lacking in something, so you look forward ever more to the days when you can be just that bit better than normal, and be just that bit more like the person you always wanted to be, which is what it seems to offer you. You become addicted first of all to the ideal you it shows you.

And because it lets you get away with using it for so long without ever seeming to have any downsides, the temptation to push just that little bit more grows and grows, and you do just that little bit more and more. It can take years to get to a habit, it's a looooooong slow slide into one but the habit is out there waiting. Heroin will bide its time, it has all the time in the world to wait for you to come to it, teasing and teasing you all the time, until one day it turns round on you, leering and gloating at another sucker who thought they could outwit it, were too clever for it, and fell for it. Seriously, stop now. You only have one life, and heroin will take every last bit of it from you if you let it. Don't do that to yourself.

Bit of a ramble that I know. I dunno if it even makes sense. In a reflective kinda mood.

 

[J-Roc]

No parent is not going to freak out if they find out their kid does heroin. My parents found out a few weeks ago about me shooting heroin and coke. I reccomend stopping espcially since you havent moved on to shooting up. I used to think I'd never do heroin, then I started doing it. I said to myself that Il never shoot up, I started shooting up. I said to myself Il never do it more than once a week, share needles, or steal from my family. I did all of those things. Once you shoot up your pretty much fucked, I do not know anyone thats shot up that didnt become addicted.

 

[class-a-team]

I know I'm not an addict, I'm just depressed and I want to die.

 

[BlueberryfishY]

This might sound harsh but it's best it went down like that

 

[Swimmingdancer]

I know I'm not an addict, I'm just depressed and I want to die.

Whether or not you are actually addicted right at this point doesn't really matter so much in my opinion. Addiction builds gradually. Feeling depressed is how many people get addicted to heroin. I promise you, there are other options. I can understand feeling like you want to die, I've been there, but it's temporary and you need to seek other forms of help with that. Heroin is not the solution, it will make you more depressed in the long run. How is the situation going with your family? Have you tried talking with them about things? Is there anyone else in your life you can talk to?

You are not alone, there are other people who understand and have felt the way you feel

 

[spare9]

Well, you said you hid your chipping for two years. So for two years you kept from/lied to your family about using hard drugs. So it makes sense that they don't trust you and are reigning you in hard. If they are supporting you financially or in any significant way, they have the right to do so. If they were helping you with money in any way then they are probably worried that it helped fund your habit. I know it sucks. I have been in situations with my parents where I was an adult but had to move back home. It's very hard. They still want to do what's best for you but you want to be your own person.

Your family was probably also very scared for you. They just reacted and are providing the solution they think is best. No matter what you think things can spiral out of control very quickly. I said I'd never go beyond snorting but now I mainline. I knew people who did heroin and always said they had it under control. Now one is dead from an OD and the other was scared into sobriety. The fact that you are so defensive against your use is just like a person who is dependent on it. Not necessarily physically but psychologically. Sure, you may not need heroin in your life but I bet you wouldn't be in a hurry to give it up if you hadn't been caught.

Even though you have a hard time seeing this as a good thing now, I'm sure you will in hindsight. Now you got a small taste of what comes with using drugs. There is a stigma attached to it, when people find out you will feel exposed, people's trust will be broken. Your family may very well have saved your life.

I think a lot of the problems you describe such as feeling that no one understands you, your family doesn't bother to get to know you, your parents are controlling, etc are very common for a person of your age. Now I don't mean to undermine your feelings at all. I feel the same way quite often and I am 23. I often feel suffocated by my family and feel so different from everyone else. But I am also coming to realize that it is a part of growing up and we have learn to deal with these feelings constructively.

You said you feel depressed and want to die. Drug use is almost always a way of self medicating, there is an underlying cause. Why not try seeing a therapist or talking to friends? Maybe find a hobby or something that takes your mind of these negative feelings, something to replace the time you spent using.

I empathize with you, I really do. My family finding out about my heroin use is one of my worst fears. And it's because of all the repercussions that I know I would face, just like you did. But I know that is a risk and I don't kid myself by thinking I have it under control or that it's not a big deal. And I know I would feel the same way you do. It's just easier to take this view point because I'm looking at your situation from the outside.

You're still young, you can gain back the trust, change people's perception of you, deal with your depression. Just try to stay positive.

 

[RedLeader]

Just wanted to add that the FREE advice given in a few recent posts is better than any fancy words money could buy in the professional world. Listen to other addicts for advice that sticks. It can be really risky congregating with other addicts in real life under the pretence of getting advice, but BL is the perfect middle-ground. Even if some in this thread sound tough, it is NOTHING compared to the raw pain that is very possible with continued, regular heroin use. I remember being in these shoes years ago. Yes, it was uncomfortable and inconvenient, but then I kept using and found out about the real dark side of heroin. Everyone in this thread cares about you,most people get exactly what you are feeling. But the key difference is that a lot of us have lived the weeks/months/years after our secrets came out and we recall it as the pivotal point when the heroin was first being used to help with the problems caused by the heroin. And once in this loop it gets real bad real fast. And instead of a concerned parent breaking you out it, it will be a sadistic cop who gets off watching you WD in a cell. Or death.

 

[dopesickk]

I can relate to so much everyone has said. When my parents found out I felt the same as you did. I felt like I have nothing to hide and since I have been 14 I have always had to hide something from them. Smoking cigarettes, taking pills, doing heroin. Im 21 now and slowly all those things have been revealed and now idk what is next. What am I going to do and hid from them. I also feel like I let them down in the worst way possible. The things they said to me tore me apart inside. I too just want it all to end sometimes. I hate working everyday. I hate being "normal" and using heroin was my way to be abnormal. Also heroin made me invincable, talkative ,active, motivated, and everything I have always wanted to be. Without it I feel useless and pathetic and also wish I could just die sometimes. My hope Is one day I won't feel that way anymore. That my mind set will change, and my life will turn around. That's all we can do is hope. When you 80 on your deathbed, do all the dope you want. But now is not the time. I never had negative consequences either so I can relate to how you feel.