Long post warning. I tried to provide enough detail of anything that might be necessary to answer the somewhat difficult to confirm questions at the end. Im really hoping for some answers therefore this is not posted in trip reports. Please dont move there if at all possible. I dont get a good response there.
I have lately been analyzing some of my history regarding the drastic MDMA related impact to my mental health and the years of problems afterwards as i need to keep an eye on some other younger persons I know using at this time and would like some final clarity for use as advice for others.
Background
Its been 8 years and i never really researched or looked into MDMA again or the problems it caused since it was a tough time and a tough 8 years. Didnt want to think about it and was scared to read what i might have done to myself. I became much better very fast recently. All i cant think of is that my brain has finally healed. Dont know if thats true or possible.
I want to understand what i did wrong and what contributed the most to my issues due to the potential risk or danger of the below two bad habits or others I am not aware of. I will give some background and then my specific questions are at the end.
Background - My two risky MDMA usage habits
1. I would use Friday and Sat night each week for just less then a year. Two consecutive days each week. I know consecutive day MDMA use is very bad so thats my first candidate for the resulting issues. Always on two days, never more.
2. Secondly I would take high doses, essentially taking enough over the night until I would transition into a stage, across about 7 hours, where it stopped working in terms of the emotional Serotonin effects and become a weird speedy trippy high with heavy visual activity such as significant peripheral hallucinations of objects morphing into other things, or seeing people on the dance floor who didnt exist when looking directly at them (also corner of the eye stuff) or seeing tiny objects like bugs buzzing around everywhere like the corners of the roof inside houses. It never felt unpleasant at anytime however.
I know pressed pills can have any dosage so the QTY doesnt really help to mention but just for completness the above was usually about 4-5 of what where supposedly good pills each fri and sat night across 7 hours that night for about 7-8 months.
It all finally ended after one weekend of using heavily the Friday night and then again the sat night, as I usually did.
Experience - The final two days of MDMA usage, Friday and Sat night
This time i noticed that when the Sat night dose kicked in it had an opposing effect, it suddenly left me feeling odd, like a sobering stillness came over me and my surroundings and i felt just average, in the middle, neither good nor bad, just dulled emotionally like i couldn't be bothered if i was out where i was or at home.
It didn't matter either way. Not to unpleasant and somewhat similar to the neutral calm, indifference or apathetic contentment you get the next day, as the mdma version of a hangover, which was also never very unpleasant for me. It was just "bleh" or "whatever" if that makes sense.
Experience - The following Monday afternoon and that night
I then ended up suffering the hectic brain zap thing the Monday from about lunch time which is commonly known and it felt like i would fell unconscious or loose my awareness completely for like a second or two after i get zapped. It was not pleasant. That night trying to fall asleep with brain zaps was the worst.
When lying there that night with eyes closed trying to sleep i would experience strong and distracting/disturbing CEV's manifesting as bring flashing lights that looked like blue and red pulsing police lights. It was so bright and blinding in my minds "eyes" and very unpleasant like trying to sleep with eyes open staring into bright lights.
Then the brain zap would hit every 5 minutes or so but mostly felt like it would hit at the point where you would fall asleep. When it hit it would cause a jarring and loud traumatic mental shock followed by fear and terror for a few seconds and my body would jerk awake violently.
It was similar to those nights where you have bad sleep paralysis that always reoccurs each time you eventually hit the point where you would be relaxed enough and fall asleep.
Except there was no dreamlike feeling of paralysis you cant awake from, it would just be an instant extremely loud zap/bang/crash with violent fearful awakening with lingering terror. It was extremely terrifying lying there not wanting to sleep knowing its going to attack you at your most vulnerable point if you do. I eventually fell asleep at some point.
Experience - The next day - Tuesday to Friday - derealization/depersonalization
I woke Tuesday into true derealization/depersonalization for i think 2-3 days of pure hell with zero emotion feeling like a robot and being able to look at my life and simply not caring about it, looking at loved ones and not caring if they died right in front of me, because i didnt know them, i didnt care either way.
The feeling was exactly like i was suddenly in somebody elses body or in a game where i had their memories but none of the emotional attachment. Logically from memory i know this is my room and thats my mother and i need to act in an appropriate way based on my memories, simply playing the part but without any care or feeling for any of it. Like in a game where you play a part but could mess around or not care since you can just quit at some point since none of it is real anyway.
Whats interesting is my memory of that time is somehow colored by the lack of any emotion. I can remember looking around my bedroom, at family members, surroundings while driving and being at work at it all looks different in my memory then other memories. It hard to explain but it looks alien, gray, ominous, dark, like there are subtle features overlaid across everything that you cant exactly identify, like how a scene in a horry movie like a haunted house looks evil but you cant tell why exactly at all since at face value its just a normal house.
Experience - The next 8 years
I was ok by the next weekend but after the experience above i never touched it again and then the bad anxiety, ptsd from another event and paranoia kicked in a few months later.
On the level of spending hours and nights just staring out of the window waiting for somebody to come break in and kill me or going to the mall and thinking everybody was somehow a threat or investigating every single creak or sound or dog bark, day and night.
Self medicated with a bottle of wiskey each day to help which made things worse and eventually became stable and functional after seeking medical help through Paxil which really helped with quality of life over the 8 years, mostly preventing the obsessive aspects and the ability to push down and forget the bad thoughts and feelings.
Now within the last year the actual fear has drastically improved even when thinking about it, along with the ability of logical thinking and reasoning allowing mitigation of unlikely dangers and helping to stop much of the paranoia and anxiety. I feel pretty much normal. It was a drastic change without any possible reasons or changes in meds or life and i heard somewhere that the brain eventually heals after 7 years or so. Cant confirm.
My questions based on the above info
1. Which habit above, consecutive day usage or the very high dosage per session was likely the biggest contributor to the consequences. Yes of course both combined is the obvious answer but lets say you only did one of them, which might be the most risky: Safe fri and sat night doses every week or only one very high dose once a week like I described. If both are bad, whats the worst? To help the others i mentioned it would help to know where to start focusing on in terms of safe usage.
2. I would like to hear from anybody who has used each friday and sat night for 7 months or longer and if this caused any issues.
3. I would like to try understand my dosage or state as described above for each night. In terms of taking the dosages mentioned and the effects described.
For example was this OD level, near OD levels, toxic dosages, some sort SS etc.
I would like an idea of what was going in inside my brain when you dose to this point, when the emotional aspects stop presenting and its mostly only speedy. Do others do this, sometimes or regularly and is it relatively safe or not.
I did this without issues until that final weekend, neither was the hangover to bad, it was mostly apathetic contentment, and never did my high doses make me feel ill or in danger/unhealthy during. I also cant rem ever really being effected badly by the comedown. I would always drink a reasonable amount each night from a little before and throughout the session, prob 8 beers or so. I think this always helped with comedown and sleep after.
4. I understand that the depletion and damage to Serotonin adds up over time and is not fully recovered after only 5-6 days. Does this mean the resulting destruction that last final weekend was a climax built from the very beginning due to ever depleting levels OR more likely due to my actions on that weekend alone.
I ask this because the Friday may have been the cause due from very high doses since i had a large volume (30 tabs) on me that night which i think i gave to many friends at a birthday party, and rem doing that with a few people, but i cant really remember most of the night. They where just all gone the next day, im sure i did alot but i didnt feel to bad the next day either until i dosed again that night.
5. How would a safe, sustainable regular MDMA usage schedule look.
For example: No more frequently then once every two weeks with no more then XXX mg of "pure" crystal mdma dosed no more then XXX times that night across no more then XXX hours. I believe the vital factors are days/weeks between sessions, dosage per session or per day, the number of re doses within that session and the duration of the session. Is that correct?
A long post so thank you for your time and any feedback. I know we cant confirm or ensure facts on the above queries, i dont need confirmed answers at all, but simply your own educated opinions or conclusions from your own experiences would be appreciated.
Any other feedback and info on where it might have all gone so wrong so suddenly would also help.
Cheers.
I have lately been analyzing some of my history regarding the drastic MDMA related impact to my mental health and the years of problems afterwards as i need to keep an eye on some other younger persons I know using at this time and would like some final clarity for use as advice for others.
Background
Its been 8 years and i never really researched or looked into MDMA again or the problems it caused since it was a tough time and a tough 8 years. Didnt want to think about it and was scared to read what i might have done to myself. I became much better very fast recently. All i cant think of is that my brain has finally healed. Dont know if thats true or possible.
I want to understand what i did wrong and what contributed the most to my issues due to the potential risk or danger of the below two bad habits or others I am not aware of. I will give some background and then my specific questions are at the end.
Background - My two risky MDMA usage habits
1. I would use Friday and Sat night each week for just less then a year. Two consecutive days each week. I know consecutive day MDMA use is very bad so thats my first candidate for the resulting issues. Always on two days, never more.
2. Secondly I would take high doses, essentially taking enough over the night until I would transition into a stage, across about 7 hours, where it stopped working in terms of the emotional Serotonin effects and become a weird speedy trippy high with heavy visual activity such as significant peripheral hallucinations of objects morphing into other things, or seeing people on the dance floor who didnt exist when looking directly at them (also corner of the eye stuff) or seeing tiny objects like bugs buzzing around everywhere like the corners of the roof inside houses. It never felt unpleasant at anytime however.
I know pressed pills can have any dosage so the QTY doesnt really help to mention but just for completness the above was usually about 4-5 of what where supposedly good pills each fri and sat night across 7 hours that night for about 7-8 months.
It all finally ended after one weekend of using heavily the Friday night and then again the sat night, as I usually did.
Experience - The final two days of MDMA usage, Friday and Sat night
This time i noticed that when the Sat night dose kicked in it had an opposing effect, it suddenly left me feeling odd, like a sobering stillness came over me and my surroundings and i felt just average, in the middle, neither good nor bad, just dulled emotionally like i couldn't be bothered if i was out where i was or at home.
It didn't matter either way. Not to unpleasant and somewhat similar to the neutral calm, indifference or apathetic contentment you get the next day, as the mdma version of a hangover, which was also never very unpleasant for me. It was just "bleh" or "whatever" if that makes sense.
Experience - The following Monday afternoon and that night
I then ended up suffering the hectic brain zap thing the Monday from about lunch time which is commonly known and it felt like i would fell unconscious or loose my awareness completely for like a second or two after i get zapped. It was not pleasant. That night trying to fall asleep with brain zaps was the worst.
When lying there that night with eyes closed trying to sleep i would experience strong and distracting/disturbing CEV's manifesting as bring flashing lights that looked like blue and red pulsing police lights. It was so bright and blinding in my minds "eyes" and very unpleasant like trying to sleep with eyes open staring into bright lights.
Then the brain zap would hit every 5 minutes or so but mostly felt like it would hit at the point where you would fall asleep. When it hit it would cause a jarring and loud traumatic mental shock followed by fear and terror for a few seconds and my body would jerk awake violently.
It was similar to those nights where you have bad sleep paralysis that always reoccurs each time you eventually hit the point where you would be relaxed enough and fall asleep.
Except there was no dreamlike feeling of paralysis you cant awake from, it would just be an instant extremely loud zap/bang/crash with violent fearful awakening with lingering terror. It was extremely terrifying lying there not wanting to sleep knowing its going to attack you at your most vulnerable point if you do. I eventually fell asleep at some point.
Experience - The next day - Tuesday to Friday - derealization/depersonalization
I woke Tuesday into true derealization/depersonalization for i think 2-3 days of pure hell with zero emotion feeling like a robot and being able to look at my life and simply not caring about it, looking at loved ones and not caring if they died right in front of me, because i didnt know them, i didnt care either way.
The feeling was exactly like i was suddenly in somebody elses body or in a game where i had their memories but none of the emotional attachment. Logically from memory i know this is my room and thats my mother and i need to act in an appropriate way based on my memories, simply playing the part but without any care or feeling for any of it. Like in a game where you play a part but could mess around or not care since you can just quit at some point since none of it is real anyway.
Whats interesting is my memory of that time is somehow colored by the lack of any emotion. I can remember looking around my bedroom, at family members, surroundings while driving and being at work at it all looks different in my memory then other memories. It hard to explain but it looks alien, gray, ominous, dark, like there are subtle features overlaid across everything that you cant exactly identify, like how a scene in a horry movie like a haunted house looks evil but you cant tell why exactly at all since at face value its just a normal house.
Experience - The next 8 years
I was ok by the next weekend but after the experience above i never touched it again and then the bad anxiety, ptsd from another event and paranoia kicked in a few months later.
On the level of spending hours and nights just staring out of the window waiting for somebody to come break in and kill me or going to the mall and thinking everybody was somehow a threat or investigating every single creak or sound or dog bark, day and night.
Self medicated with a bottle of wiskey each day to help which made things worse and eventually became stable and functional after seeking medical help through Paxil which really helped with quality of life over the 8 years, mostly preventing the obsessive aspects and the ability to push down and forget the bad thoughts and feelings.
Now within the last year the actual fear has drastically improved even when thinking about it, along with the ability of logical thinking and reasoning allowing mitigation of unlikely dangers and helping to stop much of the paranoia and anxiety. I feel pretty much normal. It was a drastic change without any possible reasons or changes in meds or life and i heard somewhere that the brain eventually heals after 7 years or so. Cant confirm.
My questions based on the above info
1. Which habit above, consecutive day usage or the very high dosage per session was likely the biggest contributor to the consequences. Yes of course both combined is the obvious answer but lets say you only did one of them, which might be the most risky: Safe fri and sat night doses every week or only one very high dose once a week like I described. If both are bad, whats the worst? To help the others i mentioned it would help to know where to start focusing on in terms of safe usage.
2. I would like to hear from anybody who has used each friday and sat night for 7 months or longer and if this caused any issues.
3. I would like to try understand my dosage or state as described above for each night. In terms of taking the dosages mentioned and the effects described.
For example was this OD level, near OD levels, toxic dosages, some sort SS etc.
I would like an idea of what was going in inside my brain when you dose to this point, when the emotional aspects stop presenting and its mostly only speedy. Do others do this, sometimes or regularly and is it relatively safe or not.
I did this without issues until that final weekend, neither was the hangover to bad, it was mostly apathetic contentment, and never did my high doses make me feel ill or in danger/unhealthy during. I also cant rem ever really being effected badly by the comedown. I would always drink a reasonable amount each night from a little before and throughout the session, prob 8 beers or so. I think this always helped with comedown and sleep after.
4. I understand that the depletion and damage to Serotonin adds up over time and is not fully recovered after only 5-6 days. Does this mean the resulting destruction that last final weekend was a climax built from the very beginning due to ever depleting levels OR more likely due to my actions on that weekend alone.
I ask this because the Friday may have been the cause due from very high doses since i had a large volume (30 tabs) on me that night which i think i gave to many friends at a birthday party, and rem doing that with a few people, but i cant really remember most of the night. They where just all gone the next day, im sure i did alot but i didnt feel to bad the next day either until i dosed again that night.
5. How would a safe, sustainable regular MDMA usage schedule look.
For example: No more frequently then once every two weeks with no more then XXX mg of "pure" crystal mdma dosed no more then XXX times that night across no more then XXX hours. I believe the vital factors are days/weeks between sessions, dosage per session or per day, the number of re doses within that session and the duration of the session. Is that correct?
A long post so thank you for your time and any feedback. I know we cant confirm or ensure facts on the above queries, i dont need confirmed answers at all, but simply your own educated opinions or conclusions from your own experiences would be appreciated.
Any other feedback and info on where it might have all gone so wrong so suddenly would also help.
Cheers.
