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I think I need to tell her to go

justsayknow

justsayknow

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2004
Messages
1,262
Location
Australia
Its been a long time. Many years. We have just been so bad for each other for so long. It seems like everything I do and say just brings out her insecurities and every time she starts crying it just makes me want to run away.(this happens several times a week)

The thing is I'm old now. I don't have much in the way of a social life. I don't have anything much going for me and to end it would be almost certainly bachelordom for life.

I absolutely detest the single life and dating but I'm not sure which I hate more.

Don't get me wrong she is a lovely girl but it seems that I just can not make her happy.
 
What's "old?" I think everyone goes through that initial stage of "I will never find anyone after this one" but it's not true. I don't even date traditionally. I usually go out with friends and it evolves into something else. But, for that you would have to get a social life. ;)
 
Sometimes it's better to be alone and happy than with someone and comfortable. If it's too much baggage then let her go. As for being old screw that. I was 42 y/o when I went back on the dating scene. I had not much of a social life at all. I just went about my life as usual and found my love. We have been together for 7 years now married for 4 of those wonderful years.Old is ok if you use the years behind you as experience. You'll be fine. Good luck.
 
Your post is kinda in code. Give us more info and maybe we can help you out?
Ever thought of online dating?
 
It sounds like you've made up your mind. Or have you? Have a serious conversation with her about your feelings. (Don't use before or during this conversation.) My guess is that she will tell you what's wrong if she feels like she can talk to you.
 
Thanks for the replies.

Sorry I was a bit sparse on details.

I'm only 33 she's 26.

The serious conversations have been ongoing for the last few years. She wants to get married I don't. Other issues are that I drink too much and am socially withdrawn.
Also she is depressed and far away from her homeland.

And no I haven't made up my mind
 
Maybe try therapy? Maybe consider drinking a little less? Trying something different? I mean, if it's over, it's over... I get that, there are some things beyond repair. If she's actually worth it, and you aren't just "scared" of being single, take the next step to fix these problems. If she wants to get married it means she loves you very much. Where is she from? If she is worth it, and want to be extremely romantic, and you can move your career... Take her to the homeland? Get a job there? You make it seem like you have nothing here except her. I don't know, obviously crazy suggestions but again if someones worth it and you can't live without em... You go the extreme, right?
 
33 is still really young. If you don't want to marry her now after 5 years then you don't. But don't string her along. Drinking too much is not healthy for you but if that's what you want to do you don't need somebody around to remind you of all your faults. Plus if you do marry her will you end up back in her homeland? Is that something you want? Don't keep her around cause your afraid of being alone, that's not fair to her or you. You might have a great future out there that doesn't include her.
 
I would end it if you are not happy, and yes, to me it sounds like you have already made the decision.

The hard part is dealing with how she reacts, it sounds like she will take it WAY hard.

If you do not want to be married, and she does, YA. That is a huge issue/difference. What if one of you really wanted kids and the other didnt? how could you two be together for ever? Unless one is willing to give up their desires and change for the other?
 
TheJasnSensation said:
Unless one is willing to give up their desires and change for the other?
Click to expand...

I'm willing to do it but it wont make her happy because I'm doing it for her sake rather than my own.

Yeah we tried living in Africa it didn't really get off the ground. I would love to go back but the employment prospects in my line of work are dismal there.

Thanks for all the thoughtful words folks.

I'm going to have to get my shit together either way, and yes therapy, cutting down my drinking etc etc is happening.
 
^^ well if goin back to africa is something you are willing to give a shot to then maybe think about the fact that while your career may not be particularly in demand there there is always other ways of making money n while i know nothing of african economies something tells me that an educated n determined westerner could possibly do quite well (or atleast well enough to live) in Africa
 
^Am aware. It's not something that's particularly appealing to myself either.

I'm usually a happy drunk but I have been that guy before and don't want to be him again.

I'm sure if I put my mind to it I could make myself into a person someone would be interested in its just it seems my social circles are contracting and I don't expect them to widen too much as I approach 40.

I suppose there is always internet dating, thanks for the reminder Llama.

Also Pretty Diamonds asked about why no marriage. I'm not opposed to marrying her its just I never really imagined I would get married at all and its never been something that appeals to me. I'm really uncomfortable with crowds, grand gestures and expressing my emotions publicly. Also I have been to so many weddings that seem like they are the real deal only to be attending a divorce party not too many years down the track.
 
The thing is that I will do it, its just not something I believe in, feel strongly about or want to do at all. I'm afraid that it might be unfair but that's the way I feel.

I should add that she knows this
 
Getting married just doesn't feel right to me and I'm not sure why my word is not good enough for her
I'm not out having sex with other people. I'm not going to get her pregnant and run off. I just don't see the purpose of it.
 
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