Woodsong
Bluelighter
Okay, here's my story, as I'm sure I've probably told it before...
I'm 27, male, no novice to various forms of pharmaceutical abuse... I've been on buprenorphine for about 16 months, at 16mg a day. I've had the occasional "breaks" and many different periods of varying dosages. Before the bupe, I was taking roughly 300mg of oxy a day, and let's just say that was a substantially longer habit... The bupe certainly took the chaos out of my life, but ultimately I've wanted to just be clean of opiates, period. After all the struggle I've been through with opiate abuse, I can honestly say I don't give a damn about the 'high' anymore. I just want to be done with the shit...
I can't even begin to count how many times I've tried to "quit" bupe, and the longest I've went cold-turkey without it was 6 days before I ultimately lost my mind and drove to my psychiatrist, sick as hell, begging for an appointment... Well, this time I've made it a week with significantly more resolve, but I had ... one, tiny, little ... slip. An old trick I used to use when I was out of roxi money...
Loperamide... (Hey. The shit works for me, that's all I can say.)
I went to the grocery store the other day, and after ten minutes of walking around, I was about to puke all over the frozen food section. Lo and behold, the medicine aisle looms ahead, and my eyes go wide as they fixate upon the familiar antidote... 48 caplets a bottle, 2mg a piece, as typical. Hating myself with the fury of a thousand suns and knowing this would probably set me back completely but about to crap my pants anyway, I couldn't stop my hand from placing the damn bottle in my basket... Long story short, I took half the bottle that day, half the next...
The first day, it barely helped. Second day, I feel ... almost normal, beyond some residual symptoms. Last night was the first night I've actually SLEPT since I started the cold-turkey. Over 24 hours since my last dose of lope, yeah it was still hard to wake up today, but after my typical wake-up routine (sans-bupe), I don't really feel the withdrawal returning... I know loperamide has a fairly long half-life, but even on bupe with my doses split throughout the day, I would still wake up every morning in mild w/d...
The week is still young, but my sense of hope is fearfully high... I highly doubt I've completely interrupted a habit of this magnitude with an over-the-counter anti-diarrheal medication, but ... some irrational part of me can't stop hoping I have. I know I'm probably setting myself up for disappointment, and I don't know how I'll react if it does come back. I'm afraid I might start pilfering my grandmother's Lortabs or something... Or even worse, buying more loperamide. I'm sure my bowels are already close to giving up on me...
The past week has been a typical withdrawal nightmare, but it's the longest I've ever gone without buprenorphine in my course of taking it, not counting the occasional oxy relapse... Have I fucked myself, or what? Maybe it's just too early to tell? What should I do if I DO suddenly find myself kicking the walls and screaming into my pillow again? The only other thing I've taken to help me was clonidine. Once, on my worst night, two .1mg pills. Any opinions or advice will be appreciated...
I'm 27, male, no novice to various forms of pharmaceutical abuse... I've been on buprenorphine for about 16 months, at 16mg a day. I've had the occasional "breaks" and many different periods of varying dosages. Before the bupe, I was taking roughly 300mg of oxy a day, and let's just say that was a substantially longer habit... The bupe certainly took the chaos out of my life, but ultimately I've wanted to just be clean of opiates, period. After all the struggle I've been through with opiate abuse, I can honestly say I don't give a damn about the 'high' anymore. I just want to be done with the shit...
I can't even begin to count how many times I've tried to "quit" bupe, and the longest I've went cold-turkey without it was 6 days before I ultimately lost my mind and drove to my psychiatrist, sick as hell, begging for an appointment... Well, this time I've made it a week with significantly more resolve, but I had ... one, tiny, little ... slip. An old trick I used to use when I was out of roxi money...
Loperamide... (Hey. The shit works for me, that's all I can say.)
I went to the grocery store the other day, and after ten minutes of walking around, I was about to puke all over the frozen food section. Lo and behold, the medicine aisle looms ahead, and my eyes go wide as they fixate upon the familiar antidote... 48 caplets a bottle, 2mg a piece, as typical. Hating myself with the fury of a thousand suns and knowing this would probably set me back completely but about to crap my pants anyway, I couldn't stop my hand from placing the damn bottle in my basket... Long story short, I took half the bottle that day, half the next...
The first day, it barely helped. Second day, I feel ... almost normal, beyond some residual symptoms. Last night was the first night I've actually SLEPT since I started the cold-turkey. Over 24 hours since my last dose of lope, yeah it was still hard to wake up today, but after my typical wake-up routine (sans-bupe), I don't really feel the withdrawal returning... I know loperamide has a fairly long half-life, but even on bupe with my doses split throughout the day, I would still wake up every morning in mild w/d...
The week is still young, but my sense of hope is fearfully high... I highly doubt I've completely interrupted a habit of this magnitude with an over-the-counter anti-diarrheal medication, but ... some irrational part of me can't stop hoping I have. I know I'm probably setting myself up for disappointment, and I don't know how I'll react if it does come back. I'm afraid I might start pilfering my grandmother's Lortabs or something... Or even worse, buying more loperamide. I'm sure my bowels are already close to giving up on me...
The past week has been a typical withdrawal nightmare, but it's the longest I've ever gone without buprenorphine in my course of taking it, not counting the occasional oxy relapse... Have I fucked myself, or what? Maybe it's just too early to tell? What should I do if I DO suddenly find myself kicking the walls and screaming into my pillow again? The only other thing I've taken to help me was clonidine. Once, on my worst night, two .1mg pills. Any opinions or advice will be appreciated...
