Someone help me; not sure where else to turn, addiction is taking over my life

[oki1029]

I'm not sure where else to post this; therefore I apologize in advance if this is in the wrong section. Anyways, I'm 28; had a horrible heroin addiction went to rehab got on suboxone and am in therapy; recently due to my job requirements I had forgot to inform them of one of my appointments until the last minute; they said they couldn't do anything if I wanted to keep my job I'd have to reschedule; to which I did, and my appointment is a week from today. but I ran out of my subs on the 28th of january, a month from when I refilled them. my appointment originally was on the 24th of last month but as I said I had to reschedule; since I have been out of my subs I started to withdraw; I couldn't stand it suboxone WD's seem to last forever; I did what I could but I can only handle so much with a job and other committments: I broke down and used. started with norcos, then when those did absolutely nothing even taking 10, 16 at a time; so I relapsed on heroin. since I have either been using the yellows or getting more dope; I hate this life. I hate what I've become. everyday is a struggle, a battle.. everyday I tell myself I'm going to stop everything and pray to God; yet everyday I've relapsed. I'm running out of money. I just want this to end. I don't even feel like I can pray to God anymore; why should He trust me? I can't keep my promises to a fool anymore than I could a supreme deity. I feel worthless. like there is no other way out.. I have a daughter, 4 years old with my ex wife and I know she would hate me if I took my own life so no matter what I'm going to survive through.. even if it means suffering every single day and being miserable 24/7; I will not let her down like that. and at the same time I hate myself for what I've become. a week from now I'm going to have to go to the doctor and I can't tell him I've relapsed. In October my subs were stolen by a neighbor who needed to use the restroom. by the time I realized it, as sometimes especially in the beginning of my sub refill I will not need a dose after the first one as it is usually strong enough to hold me over a few days.. by the time I realized my subs were stolen, it was too late to make a police report; I told my doctor everything and that I had relapsed and he gave me one more chance. Now i have no chances and I'm going to pee dirty; I just hate this addiction. it feels like I've burned out all my trust with God; I don't know how to explain it, its like I feel He doesn't hear me anymore when I know there was a time He did.. I might be able to fake my way to the appt, can probably rig up a clean UA and get a refill but where does it end? I will have to eventually get off the suboxones as well and when they were stolen I got a taste of what that was like. I had to wait almost a whole month; the WD's never got better; everyday I woke up feeling cold, sick; I think this is due to the everlasting long-acting effects of buprenorphine. the point is I don't want this life anymore; I just want to be who I used to be, the guy without any addictions. how I was much younger before I knew about drugs or addictions or anything. first and foremost please someone tell me how to get back to God; have I fallen from grace entirely? I see posts where people talk about how they prayed and God prevented their withdrawals or made them managable. this is debatable as some believers feel no matter what God cannot rearrange the receptors in your brain under any circumstances. I just want to know if its too late, if I'm a lost cause. I don't want to go back to rehab; its embarrassing. I've been there 2x in 2010, 2x in 2011 and once in 2012 (july, when I got on suboxone therapy). I just want to wake up one day and not crave anything, pysically or mentally. I just want to know that it's possible; that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that this can be done in the near future; because I can't handle this addiction anymore. it is defeating me. It's making life miserable unless I have something to take/do to make the day managable. what can I do? whats the first step I need to take toward improving my life free of addiction and everyday struggles?

 

[wharf_rat]

Remember his promises. God will NEVER leave nor forsake you. Keep the faith, and get in your Bible. You know what to do. It sounds like you have done it before.
You also probably know its NEVER going to be easy. Nothing worth doing is easy.
It's hell, I know, but you WILL survive and with time it WILL get better.

God WILL deliver you, but you have to meet him halfway. You have to be 'refined by the fire' as they say.
I personally look at w/d as Gods way of thumping us on the back of our heads. Sometimes its harder than others. But you should NEVER think you are beyond help. That would be saying Gods grace/sacrifice is not enough. We both know that's not true.

I know right where your at man. You and I both know its just going to take time.
But you can do it. So get after it!

If you have to, go to a detox facility. But let that be IT. Nut up, get that shit out of you, and don't look back. No subs, no nothing.

 

[T. Calderone]

Don't feel like a failure because you are struggling. I have failed rehab numerous times. Make a plan to get back into treatment. This will save your job, they can't fire you for getting help. Does your employer have an EAP? (employee assistance plan)

Are you certain the doctor will make you take a drug test next week? You might still have time to get the opiates out of your system if you stop now. But if have no subs in your sample, he will get suspicious. You say you want to get off these drugs, but don't feel strong enough. As more time goes by, it will get easier but you have to make that commitment. Try NA meetings even if you don't like them, you can find people going through exactly what you are.

 

[Pagey]

Battling addiction is a life-time commitment. You try once, you fail, you try again, you fail again, and so on and so forth until one day you finally manage to do it. It takes a lot of trial and effort to get to that day but I do believe it can come for everyone. Have you tried NA? Might be worth going every day for a while to keep you on track. It can really help.
Regarding the God thing...I'm an atheist so I can't really understand how that feels for you, but what I wanted to say is that regardless of your faith, you need to trust that you yourself can do this. As harsh as it sounds, you're the only one stopping yourself from getting clean and when you get clean it'll be from your efforts. I think it's important to trust and rely on yourself here rather than giving it up to a higher power because you think you're incapable of doing it on your own.

 

[Get2Think]

Hey friend guess what? God has not given up on you and I can promise you that once you get the drugs out of your system (ridding yourself from sin) he will be right there, loving you and encouraging you to live a full and satisfying life. Its never God that moves away from us, we move away from him. Sometimes we don't mean to, but when we take drugs we allow dark forces to enter our body and they push out the light. Thats why your feeling the way you do.

But God never forsakes us and you can NEVER do anything which isn't covered by what Jesus did on the cross for us. Let me repeat that, there is absolutely nothing that you can say, think, or do that would permanently seperate you from the sunlight of the spirit. Take it from me man, I loved heroin and let it ruin my life a few times because Im an addict and I couldn't slow my roll once I started shooting it up. And I BBQ'ed my life a few times. But then I hit rock bottom and sobered up with the help of AA and suboxone and now my relationship with God is better than ever!

God is the mighty redeemer, he is always rebuilding broken lives for his glory and commanding us to help other addicts to become saved. There is hope in Jesus! I know without any doubt that I am saved, and that all that junk I've done in the past is forgiven. Thats a wonderful way to feel man, and you can have it also. But using drugs compromises that. We can't have both because sin isn't tolerated, no exceptions. But if you ask for help and support God will put the right people and organizations into your life so that you can find lasting sobriety. And he will then overfill your cup with joy, hope, and peace. You will find that nothing truly satisfies us like God does. And he gave me a purpose and direction to go which means so much to me, as I was really growing tired of spinning my wheels and getting nowhere in life. Now I help other addicts and encourage them to come to Christ. He is the truth, the way, and the light. So if your life is full of darkness, you will feel cut off from Gods grace. But that cord is never completely cut, we are all in his hand and he NEVER drops the ball. So don't beat yourself up. God loves you, just keep asking him to help you escape your addiction and he will. I'll pray for you brotha, dont give up! It's worth it, life is so good on the other side, trust me

 

[XRl Billygoat]

After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace will himself restore, strengthen, comfirm, and establish you.

 

[Stevenski]

Anyone struggling just needs to remember that that they may not always succeed but that is NOT FAILURE! Failure is not trying at all. So long as you keep trying you are not failing. Keep the pma

 

[XxxshortyxxX]

I have 1 month and a few days sober. You CAN do it. Try not to worry about w/d as much as possible, it only made me feel worse. The clinics just want your money in my experience. They all told me I had to stay at least 2 years if I wanted to succseed. 6 Months later I'm clean. I used amino acids for muscle soreness, drank loads of water and green tea, and probably most importanly- I got Kratom. There is tons of info on this site about using kratom for opiate addiction, just use the search feature. take care of yourself. As hard as it may be eat healthy foods and stay hydrated.

I didn't think I could kick opiates, but when it was time I did. All alone, without even the help of my clinic. Its a few days of hell, but for me the kratom ended it. I didn't discover it untill day 4 or 5 clean so I cant say how well it works before you are in full withdrawl, but for me it was a life saver. Especially because I have chronic pain.

 

[lars90]

Well try going cold turkey for the rest of the week. I know its hard. You might want to get a friend to help you maybe your ex. If you tell her you need her Im sure she will come and help show her the thread.

And about gogint to rehab have you ever tried going longer than 6 months?

 

[cire113]

My friend you really should look Into ibogaine it provides the brain reset to pre user days

 

[XxxshortyxxX]

Ibogaine is a wonderful idea im my opinion. I didn't learn about it untill I was allready on methadone. It isn't leagal here but with all the money I spent on clinics I easily could have flown out of state for the treatment. Deff something to consider if it is an option for you. I have heard wonderful things...

 

[Movemauser]

Ibogaine is a wonderful idea im my opinion. ... Deff something to consider if it is an option for you. I have heard wonderful things...

Yeah but don't just get some and take it - you may need supervision according to external sources (Wikipedia, for one) and there is a thread here on BL http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/59366-The-Big-amp-Dandy-Ibogaine-Thread

Think of bits of 'The Secret Teachings of Don Juan', (shame it's apparently not true, but can lend insight), there's some excellent encouragement for supervision in there.

Sure you've already realised all that, just needed mentioning - I thought. Sorry, jabbering.

 

[XxxshortyxxX]

There are facilities that offer it as a treatment, that is what I was reffering to. I wouldnt recomend trying it alone.