I am terrified. I have been using one thing or another for years. I have had a lot of problems and issuuues for as long as I can remember lol. But up until the last few..I had a contentment a calm. I could be in A LOT of pain very pissed of at everything...but still had that calm. I had a calm that nothing could shake. I guess just a contentment. I also always had a big sense of love and empathy..big source of my contentment was that. No matter what happened in life I never really got ``bitter` I remember my ex asking me about it..how i was so loving and hopefull about life after everything that had happened to me. I just knew how to keep that..and knew it was important i guess. In the summer I dont know why but it started to change. I feel bitter...Im feeling hopeless....I have no calm no center...The calm did go away in a way a while ago...I have big anxiety problems and have been on clonazeapam for them for a long time now but there was still that deeper calm...deeper sense of being. Now I cant find that..Its almost there if im high..but then in wds or when i come down its no where. I apologize for the bad structure of this...thats another thing. Used to be really good at getting to th point of things..expressing my self. It was usually short n sweet but the meaning was clear. I cant do that now..I think in my head...without words almost...and it makes sense but I cant put anything into words...I end up trying and just babbling and babbling like this till I forget what I was talking about. Its frustrating. Makes me not want to socialize at all lol. Anyways what Im asking is has anyone been in a similar situation? And has anyone found a lasting calm or sense of self or just..``found themselves`again while clean and sober? Theres too much going on right now in my life for me to not even have myself lol...When im not high im almost always panicking...trying everything to just...be...but I cant find it. Im severly depressed and have horrible anxiety...and my life is STUCK in every aspect. I dont know what to do..
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Anyone found a sober contentment?
- Thread starter codienne
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herbavore
Bluelight Crew
I'm wondering if the long term use of benzos is actually contributing to worse anxiety as your tolerance increases? The way you describe that center of calm in you makes me know that you have something that is retrievable. Some people never get to that place, can't even fathom what it is or what it feels like. I think because you have had that experience that it is a good sign that you just need to reprogram your thoughts a bit to regain it. Are you doing any kind of CBT or Mindfulness based therapy? Getting off benzos can be horrendous but might be something you want to work towards.
It took me a while after quitting abusing drugs to find my center. In fact it kind of crept up on me and I can't say what helped other than more experience living, a little more maturity and less impulsiveness and a genuine desire to find out what made me happy and then pursue that. When you feel stuck, I think you have an opportunity to really force your own hand in a way, push the envelope of comfort and figure out what it is that holds you trapped. It is usually less circumstances and more internal censoring than we want to admit at first. It's scary to address your fears! But the reward for doing that is so great.
As far as expressing yourself, I think you do a fine job and are selling yourself a little short. Depression and anxiety are pretty effective at undermining your sense of self but you can learn to talk back to those numbing emotions. Staying positive and hopeful is not always easy; sometimes you have to force it, like forcing a smile. It isn't fake or unreal, it is just like any other habit--it takes reinforcement and persistence until one day it does come more naturally.
Try to look at what you are going through as temporary and not a permanent personality change. Give yourself room to stretch and grow and trust that it is sometimes a very messy process that can look like stagnation when it is really deep change taking place.((
))
It took me a while after quitting abusing drugs to find my center. In fact it kind of crept up on me and I can't say what helped other than more experience living, a little more maturity and less impulsiveness and a genuine desire to find out what made me happy and then pursue that. When you feel stuck, I think you have an opportunity to really force your own hand in a way, push the envelope of comfort and figure out what it is that holds you trapped. It is usually less circumstances and more internal censoring than we want to admit at first. It's scary to address your fears! But the reward for doing that is so great.
As far as expressing yourself, I think you do a fine job and are selling yourself a little short. Depression and anxiety are pretty effective at undermining your sense of self but you can learn to talk back to those numbing emotions. Staying positive and hopeful is not always easy; sometimes you have to force it, like forcing a smile. It isn't fake or unreal, it is just like any other habit--it takes reinforcement and persistence until one day it does come more naturally.
Try to look at what you are going through as temporary and not a permanent personality change. Give yourself room to stretch and grow and trust that it is sometimes a very messy process that can look like stagnation when it is really deep change taking place.((
))
I think "contentment" is bullshit. The healthiest people let out their negative emotions. No one's ever 100% loving and carefree all the time.
Could be that the drugs used to work for you and now they're not. That's usually what happens when you stay on a drug for a while. At first the drugs make you numb to all your negative emotions, but then once your tolerance rises you start to feel those emotions and 1) you don't know how to release those emotions because you're used to the drugs masking them and 2) you have the constant threat of withdrawal lingering over you which amplifies those emotions tenfold. Sounds like you should get off everything as soon as you can and work on yourself.
Could be that the drugs used to work for you and now they're not. That's usually what happens when you stay on a drug for a while. At first the drugs make you numb to all your negative emotions, but then once your tolerance rises you start to feel those emotions and 1) you don't know how to release those emotions because you're used to the drugs masking them and 2) you have the constant threat of withdrawal lingering over you which amplifies those emotions tenfold. Sounds like you should get off everything as soon as you can and work on yourself.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
I would enthusiastically second that advice.
I submit a third[second] reiteration of this advice.
Much like Effuzion said; finding a physical or emotional outlet is a HUGE help when it comes to contentedness.
For me, contentment is being too exhausted to care about what's going on around me, whether it be good or bad. That usually happens after a nice long and intense bout of physical exercise.
Perhaps, you may be able to find your 'self' by losing that 'self' in something else. Find a hobby or a passion that can engulf your mind and body. When you find something that makes the whole world fade away, even if only for a brief moment; it might just help you find what you're missing.
Mysterie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 7, 2010
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- 4,540
have you squizzed this thread?
if you can find which supplements work for you and take them every day, in about a month there is a decent chance you will start feeling 'drug-free tranquility'
when i was taking magnesium twice a day for about 2-3 weeks, i was on a constant drug-free high feeling all the time and had no desire to get high or anything
as for depression/anxiety, a great way to battle this is to start seeing painful shit you have to do as challenges which will progress your personality
running away is an endless cycle of disappointment but facing things and learning you can conquer them is a lot more rewarding !
if you can find which supplements work for you and take them every day, in about a month there is a decent chance you will start feeling 'drug-free tranquility'
when i was taking magnesium twice a day for about 2-3 weeks, i was on a constant drug-free high feeling all the time and had no desire to get high or anything
as for depression/anxiety, a great way to battle this is to start seeing painful shit you have to do as challenges which will progress your personality
running away is an endless cycle of disappointment but facing things and learning you can conquer them is a lot more rewarding !
webbykevin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2010
- Messages
- 1,719
After 30 years of substance abuse of all kinds I find that making the decision to have regular breaks for weeks or months from all intoxicants can be just as trippy as anything else, you just have to tell yourself that normal (lol what is normal) straight non drug affected consciousness is just one of the many states you can experience, and I found that the clarity and feeling of general good health was refreshing and stimulating in itself.
It allows you to pay attention to diet, to see how you can play with your consciousness in many different ways, for example try going without sugar for 2 weeks, fasting for a day and then slam 2 cans of coke and pay attention to what happens, give up coffee for a month then have a tripple shot expresso, go without red meat for a while then have a huge steak.
All these things flip your consciousness around without you having to be stuck in any kind of addictive ruts or cycles, I gave up pot for 6 months and then smoked a massive joint of sativa alone in silent darkness and it was one of the most intense psychedelic experiences of my life, in many ways it outdid LSD in intensity of rushes, hallucinations, panic moments, tears, laughter, it was more like a good heroic dose of mushrooms than just a joint, and I would never have expected that out of plain old mary J - astounding.
The world is an amazing place, you want to have a full on experience that challenges you on every level, go visit a foreign non english speaking country in the 3rd world with very little money, go scuba diving, go hike out in wild isolated nature, all these things are kick ass experiences and compared to sitting in your grubby apartment getting a bit high on some piss weak benzo, fake blotters or rc combo getting out and throwing yourself at the world with an open mind and a clear head wins every time in my opinion.
When I was in my 20's and 30's I thought being straight was crazy and i was convinced that being ripped off my tits every day was the way to go, now I'm nearly 50 and I see the world in a completely different way and I am much better for it.
I still love my psychedlic experiences but they don't all have to come in a plastic baggy, and when i do take the drug path these days it's rarely and in high doses and always with an organic plant, never some sketchy powder that I have no connection or affinity with.
It allows you to pay attention to diet, to see how you can play with your consciousness in many different ways, for example try going without sugar for 2 weeks, fasting for a day and then slam 2 cans of coke and pay attention to what happens, give up coffee for a month then have a tripple shot expresso, go without red meat for a while then have a huge steak.
All these things flip your consciousness around without you having to be stuck in any kind of addictive ruts or cycles, I gave up pot for 6 months and then smoked a massive joint of sativa alone in silent darkness and it was one of the most intense psychedelic experiences of my life, in many ways it outdid LSD in intensity of rushes, hallucinations, panic moments, tears, laughter, it was more like a good heroic dose of mushrooms than just a joint, and I would never have expected that out of plain old mary J - astounding.
The world is an amazing place, you want to have a full on experience that challenges you on every level, go visit a foreign non english speaking country in the 3rd world with very little money, go scuba diving, go hike out in wild isolated nature, all these things are kick ass experiences and compared to sitting in your grubby apartment getting a bit high on some piss weak benzo, fake blotters or rc combo getting out and throwing yourself at the world with an open mind and a clear head wins every time in my opinion.
When I was in my 20's and 30's I thought being straight was crazy and i was convinced that being ripped off my tits every day was the way to go, now I'm nearly 50 and I see the world in a completely different way and I am much better for it.
I still love my psychedlic experiences but they don't all have to come in a plastic baggy, and when i do take the drug path these days it's rarely and in high doses and always with an organic plant, never some sketchy powder that I have no connection or affinity with.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Wow...I didnt expect so many replies..or with soo much quality. Thank you all so much, bluelight is the best shit ever 
. Really, this brought a tear to my eye. Crazy. But anyways, I wanted to say something about each post...there is a lot in all of them I have something to say to..but I dnt want to make this that long and also im having a hard time focusing right now ha. but its all stuff that I need to remember and think about...Im actually gonna print this page out and keep it I think. I definitley am going to start taking supplements of some kind, and yes I have tried mindfullness...I try to do it all the time. the problem is i cant seem to connect to the moment or to anything or calm my self down and i do try i try so hard while clean. The only time things seem to work is when im high...Its artifial though I know...its all substitues and Im really wanting that genouinity.But I do know it takes time..and a lot more discipline..and i cant just keep going. Im going to pick a date soon and start tapering what I am using...and eventually even the clonazepam...the last two posts resonate hard with me..thats all ive wanted for as long as I can remember and i missed out on a lot of time because of drugs or just mental/emotional bs holding me back. Theres a lot more I want to say but I dont want to make this too long and I keep losing track of what Im thinking ha. But thankyou again...I will definitley keep all this in mind..
. Really, this brought a tear to my eye. Crazy. But anyways, I wanted to say something about each post...there is a lot in all of them I have something to say to..but I dnt want to make this that long and also im having a hard time focusing right now ha. but its all stuff that I need to remember and think about...Im actually gonna print this page out and keep it I think. I definitley am going to start taking supplements of some kind, and yes I have tried mindfullness...I try to do it all the time. the problem is i cant seem to connect to the moment or to anything or calm my self down and i do try i try so hard while clean. The only time things seem to work is when im high...Its artifial though I know...its all substitues and Im really wanting that genouinity.But I do know it takes time..and a lot more discipline..and i cant just keep going. Im going to pick a date soon and start tapering what I am using...and eventually even the clonazepam...the last two posts resonate hard with me..thats all ive wanted for as long as I can remember and i missed out on a lot of time because of drugs or just mental/emotional bs holding me back. Theres a lot more I want to say but I dont want to make this too long and I keep losing track of what Im thinking ha. But thankyou again...I will definitley keep all this in mind..