• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

just found out my ex girlfriend has married the man she cheated on me with

P

psytaco

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 20, 2005
Messages
1,673
Location
Melbourne, Aus
As some of you may know from previou posts, five months ago my girlfriend dumped me due to cheating with a co-worker of hers. I was recently looking through skype and also facebook (we aren't facebook friends anymore) and she has changed her last name to the same one as the dude she cheated on me left.

When we broke up she told me it was because she wanted to be single. Since then I have found out that they stayed in a relationship even when she moved back to US. I spoke to her on skype in November and noticed she had an engagement ring on (or at least a ring that was on that finger). Today I noticed she has changed her name on facebook and skype to his last name. Now I can only assume that they are married.

I am devastated by this. Up until the time we broke up we were supposed to get married and I was supposed to be moving to the US with her. Up until we broke up she never said this was not the plan. The arsehole is still living in Australia, and he is an Irish national on a working holiday visa. I can only assume that he is now going to move to the US. She has only known him for like 7 months. I don't know what his intentions are and whether he is just using her for a greencard or whether hi feelings are real. Regardless, this has hurt me greatly.

Since she left me I have been battling a bad depressive episode. I am on antidepressants and seeing a psychologist. I was doing alot better but this news has really fucked me over. She hasn't responding to any texts or phone calls to either confirm or deny they are getting married/ have married. I have to move to a small country town in a few days and start a demanding job. that was going to be difficult enough as is. But with this news my mood has plummeted.

I really loved this girl. We were together for two years. I put alot into the relationship and when she was struggling with depression and anxiety I did my best to help her out. But it wasn't enough. She just threw my love back in my face and left me with nothing but lies and half truths for comfort.

I don't know what I really expect from putting this thread up. I don't know what advice can really make me feel any better about it. I guess it just helps to put my feelings on here.
 
Ugh psytaco, a few weeks ago I learned that the girl my ex cheated on me with is moving in with him even though they've only been dating for about 6 months, whereas he and I were together almost 3 years and he wouldn't even go on vacation with me. Not that I'm comparing that to getting married, but it certainly made me feel like shit for a while so I can imagine what it's like for you right now.
The best you can do is try to move on from all this though. In trying to get in contact with her to confirm whether or not they're married, you're only hurting yourself. In the end there really isn't any point dwelling on this. She cheated on you, you deserve so much better than that, and you will find better - but you've got to give yourself the opportunity to heal first, and the first step to doing that is to distance yourself from the whole thing.
 
That's got to be a shock since you skyped just a couple months ago. I'm assuming you kept a friendly relationship. She could have told you so it would be easier to move on. I'm still reeling from a breakup too. I was with him 2 years as well and suddenly found another girlfriend he met on the internet. Within a month, she had the keys to his apartment and that made me sick thinking about it. We agreed to "remain friends" but that's not so easy. I havn't answered his calls and leaving it that way.

Maybe it's a good thing you're moving and starting a new job. It will be a fresh start for you. Don't torture yourself trying to contact her. It's just not worth the heartbreak getting confirmation on what you already know. Like Pagey said, you deserve so much better.
 
thanks for that pagey and T. Calderone.

I haven't been able to keep up a friendly relationship with her. Initially I tried, but I was far too hurt to do able to do it. I guess the reason that she never told me any of this was partially not to have deal with me getting upset and also to save me some pain.

I was writing her an email just telling her how much pain she has caused me and that she is making a huge mistake marrying someone who isn't even physically there and that she really doen't know well. But what is the point? she is not going to change her mind. I guess I should take solace in the fact they I don't have to move, that she is kind of crazy (has alot of insecurities, breaks down regularly in panic attacks and fits of crying etc.), and that in all likelihood their relationship won't last. But on the otherhand I can't help but feel bad. I think what was wrong with me? I loved her alot, I always made her feel loved, I never criticised or judged her. I accepted her for her she was. I tried my best to help her through these difficult times. And then some guy just comes along and steals her when she was feeling down and knew she was in a relationship. Why wasn't I good enough?

further, earlier this month I was suicidal. I tried to contact her because in the past when I have been dealing with issues she would help me out. This time she just messaged me saying 'I can't help you' and then ignored me. I mean how hard is it to put aside whatever awkwardness you feel and help out someone who loved you, whom you with for over two years and who tried very hard to help you through your own psychological turmoil.

what did you guys do to help with you all dealing with this? I have found that with time things are getting a bit better. I'm not as angry or as upset anymore. but then I find out things like this and it just puts me in a spin. I still spend far too much time thinking about being cheated on and dwelling on the past. I guess this is pretty normal when you get your heart broken and they mean so much too you. But I am just sick of it and really want to be able to move on.

I don't know. no doubt things will get better. but this has turned into one of the shittest experiences of my life. I just can't help but think it is all not fair and I deserved so much better.
 
I understand that you want to tell her how much she hurt you, etc. but that is NOT going to help. What WILL help is getting away from it all. Don't check her facebook, don't skype with her, don't communicate with her at all. Leave it alone. Leave her alone. She has moved on, and you need to too. Obsessing over her is not going to help you.

It doesn't mean you weren't good enough. It just means you aren't the right person for her. I'm sure you're a great person, but things just didn't work out with her. You WILL find someone else!

You've got to keep busy and stop thinking about her. In time, you will move on, and you will find someone!
 
psytaco, I'm really sorry, man. :( That hurts like hell. I often go for the "I just want to tell him how I feel" thing too, but of all the drunken texts I've sent out for that one last "FUCK YOU!" I always wake up feeling stupid. I totally get wanting to vent and tell her, but I really think it's better to leave it alone.
 
Yeah, I haven't sent her the email and don't intend on it. felt kind of weird writing it and I know that it does me no good and that I will regret sending it. I sometimes write her letters and then don't send them. I guess that is kind cathartic.

I did leave a voice message when I just found out. regret doing it now and it probably makes me look bad. but what's done is done and I don't intend to have anymore correspondence.

After her ignoring me at the start of the month, I made a resolve not to contact her again and really had no inclination too until today when I found out. So I was doing a good job on dwelling on things and not having anything to do with her.

I'm already beginning to feel alot better about this. I have spent alot of time romantising her and just thinking about how I have been hurt and thinking about how good things were when the relationship was good. In reality, the last few months when she moved back to Australia (and alot of the time we were travelling together) were very difficult. She was always moody, would break down, get upset over tiny things. I was always worried about her and to the point when it was getting very stressful for me. A part of me wished she would return to the US and not come back. Now there are alot of good things that have happened. I'm not restricted to just being with her, I don't have to deal with the stress of trying to manage her problems as well as my own. Finally, I don't have to move to the US and try and make money to support her. It would have been difficult for me to get a job there, let alone one in my chosen career. Now I have a well paid job, in my career and I have so many options in what direction I want to steer my life. Despite all that, I wish I didn't have to go through this pain and that she would of left me in a manner that I deserved.

Thanks for letting me vent guys. I am beginning to feel alot better. Its just been a fucking difficult time for me and even though in alot ways I am better off without her and that a few things have fallen into place for me at the moment. It can just be difficult to see the forest for the trees sometimes.
 
Yeah, man. Done it myself. It just sucks when we're still hanging on and the other person has moved on. Fuck her. Really...I mean she cheated with you for him. You know how much of a chance she will cheat on him? Just gotta move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, my man. Just move on and don't even look back.
 
psytaco said:
Thanks for letting me vent guys. I am beginning to feel alot better. Its just been a fucking difficult time for me and even though in alot ways I am better off without her and that a few things have fallen into place for me at the moment. It can just be difficult to see the forest for the trees sometimes.
Click to expand...
Whats helped me move on from failed relationships in the past is reflecting on the whole experience and learning some lessons from it. It isnt much to walk away with after wasting so much precious time and energy on a thing, but still somehow feeling that I've gained whatever I can gain from it and walked away, files the experience away into the past.

Being a closed book, any further developments seem to strike in an impersonal way, perhaps evoking feelings of contempt or disgust rather than say the outrage and injustice of an ongoing betrayal.
 
psytaco said:
what did you guys do to help with you all dealing with this? I have found that with time things are getting a bit better. I'm not as angry or as upset anymore. but then I find out things like this and it just puts me in a spin. I still spend far too much time thinking about being cheated on and dwelling on the past. I guess this is pretty normal when you get your heart broken and they mean so much too you. But I am just sick of it and really want to be able to move on.
Click to expand...

Yup, it's definitely a setback - and that's normal. I was really upset at first as well, but you just need to focus on the fact that in the end, this doesn't change anything, the situation is still the same as it was before you learned of this and you can continue healing as you were. If anything, use this as further proof to convince yourself you deserve better!
I also continued to talk to my ex about my problems after we broke up because that's just what I was used to, and he was a total dick about it. I guess it's normal though, you can't really expect them to still make that effort once they don't have to. It's important to have friends close by in times like these. Stay strong <3
 
Uh she cheated so who cares what or who she is doing now? You do but you should not.
Let the hurt go. What your ex is doing should not dictate your emotions. Cheating is the greatest disrespect. She doesn't care about you. Don't give her actions power.
she has obviously moved on and so should you
 
The mind works in funny ways.

I woke up today feeling good. I guess there was a very small part of me that would hope that one day I would get a call or an email from her saying "I've made a mistake. I shouldn't of been involved with him and it is not working out.". In reality this would have changed nothing, we could never be together again due to geographical and financial reasons, not to mention everything else. But she has made her decision in the most absolute way. She isn't going to change her mind.

its kind of like a burden has been lifted from me. All I could think last night is "its over. its completly over", and I am ok with that. I deleted her completely from skype, blocked her on facebook, and unfriended all her family and mutual friends so any news about her doesn't pop up on my newsfeed.
 
psytaco said:
The mind works in funny ways.

I woke up today feeling good. I guess there was a very small part of me that would hope that one day I would get a call or an email from her saying "I've made a mistake. I shouldn't of been involved with him and it is not working out.". In reality this would have changed nothing, we could never be together again due to geographical and financial reasons, not to mention everything else. But she has made her decision in the most absolute way. She isn't going to change her mind.

its kind of like a burden has been lifted from me. All I could think last night is "its over. its completly over", and I am ok with that. I deleted her completely from skype, blocked her on facebook, and unfriended all her family and mutual friends so any news about her doesn't pop up on my newsfeed.
Click to expand...

Yay! That is awesome!
Breakups are tough. Being cheated on is tough. But you have to do everything that you can to move on.
Maybe she will realize that she's made a mistake, in time. But you will have moved on by then! :)
 
psytaco said:
The mind works in funny ways.

I woke up today feeling good. I guess there was a very small part of me that would hope that one day I would get a call or an email from her saying "I've made a mistake. I shouldn't of been involved with him and it is not working out.". In reality this would have changed nothing, we could never be together again due to geographical and financial reasons, not to mention everything else. But she has made her decision in the most absolute way. She isn't going to change her mind.

its kind of like a burden has been lifted from me. All I could think last night is "its over. its completly over", and I am ok with that. I deleted her completely from skype, blocked her on facebook, and unfriended all her family and mutual friends so any news about her doesn't pop up on my newsfeed.
Click to expand...

Good for you.

I think you dodged a bullet. She married a guy after 5 months... and the guy she's marrying is the same guy she cheated on you with? The girl is psycho. I know you don't see it right now but a year or two from now when they're going through a painful divorce and splitting up their possessions you will. You know, if you even hear about it.
 
lol what a cheap bitch........ devastated? I would laugh that the dude she cheated on you with will go trough same horror like you... these women like that dont change brother,you should feel good that this terror is over and you can be with better person
 
I've actually got to agree with DOB on that one - if she cheated on you, odds are she'll cheat on him as well, if that's any consolation :)
 
Pagey said:
I've actually got to agree with DOB on that one - if she cheated on you, odds are she'll cheat on him as well, if that's any consolation :)
Click to expand...

Ironically see already has. I slept with her after they were going out (though didn't know they were). But yeah, four months of her being alone and without sex would damn near kill her. She was very highly sexed and this time she cheated was not an isolated incident in my relationship or in other ones.

Anyway, not my problem anymore.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top