I feel like such a piece of shit.

[m00t]

I worked my ass off this past two weeks.. its been the first proper paycheck ive had in a while and it all went up my nose. Now ill be reliant on my mom again until i get my next paycheck.. she helps me no matter what and i feel like such an asshole.. i have to kick this cocaine habit for good eventually.

I Needed to buy so many essential things with this check and wasted it on an 8 ball..im such an idiot. This is the first time ive used in over 7 months and i feel so guilty..

 

[RedRum OG]

Well you did it. It's done. Now you need to concentrate on how you're gonna solve it. Each time you fuck up and get sober again you get a little better at staying away from drugs permanently. Almost nobody is successful at quitting the first few times. Practice makes perfect

7 months is an incredibly long time for a drug addict, you should be immensely proud of yourself, really. And just because you did this doesn't mean you ever have to do it again.

Don't beat yourself up. Find some hobbies, distract yourself. Eat right and regularly exercise, even if its only 15 minutes. Jack off semi regularly too. All this will make a world of difference in how you feel mentally and physically and working on being more structured will help you be more responsible and resist drugs

Easier said than done. Good luck.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i had 6 months under my belt clean and i also relapsed. you have one of two options here - and i'll be brutal.

either you follow me down the road of destruction and mayhem and see your life fall into shreds again. i'm trying to get off the stuff again but it's not going well. it's nearly cost me my relationship, my school and my mums support again but i'm trying now.
or you can put down that 8 ball, throw it down the sink and say hey - fuck this shit, i don't need it and never touch it again.

you messed up, relapsed, everyone does. the majority of addicts who quit will relapse at some point but after you do you really need to take control of your life again. you can do it. you only messed up once. it doesn't have to continue and you know that, you've been 7 months off - you can be off for the rest of your life.

 

[m00t]

Thanks for the solid advice, ill do better than 7 months this time.

I'm a very structured person these days.. i work 5 days a week, i lift three days and my diet is totally in check. I Feel so strong against coke for a while and then i inevitably lose it and get some. I dont have high paying job so financially it just totally ruins me and sets me back so far when i break down and binge.

At least its not 3 times a week like it used to be.

 

[m00t]

And once again thanks for the posts and advice. Ive lurked for years here and finally felt compelled to register and post due to this situation. its great this community is available to people. sometimes it just helps to get it off your chest and know youre not alone in this awful struggle :/

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well it sounds like you've got your life in check and you're definitely moving towards a much more stable, healthy and prosperous drug free life! And I agree, it's always good to let go of those things that bother you and here at bluelight well listen to anything you want to ramble about, be it the weather, your dog biting you or more serious topics like drug abuse, seperation or bereavements. We're always here to help and don't forget that.

 

[spork]

Does your mom know about your drug use? If so, I'd recommend asking her not to give you money even if you do ask for it and explaining why. If she doesn't know and you're not quite ready to tell her yet, let her know that your not using your money wisely and would appreciate that she not give you money if you do end up in tose kinds of situations. Your mother is enabling you (whether she knows it or not) and it sounds like you would be less likely to use if you didn't have her support to fall back on.

Keep us updated and let us know how you are. All the best.

 

[Sepher]

Hey, relapse happens, it's part of recovery and sometimes an essential one at that for many of us, it's where we learn the most about our addictions quite often, and our triggers. Main thing is that you regret it and seem determined no to let it happen again, so the slip has reinforced the resolve at least, as they often do.

How d'you get paid, cash or bank? You still living with your mum? I know I'm shit with money and impulsive with the spending of it so have all my direct debits for bills set up soon as my wage hits, the wages are gone before I even wake up on pay day most often, what's left is left for the month. I've had my wages paid straight to my mum's a/c when I was living with her, she took what was due for the bills, I had a weekly allowance back of what was left of my monthly wage so I could budget. Was annoying as fuck feeling like a dependent child but I was no more responsible than one and knew it. Hand over the cash to hold if you really need to and make sure she understands why you're giving it her and ask she doesn't let you have more back than you'd be due once whatever obligations you have are taken care of if that's what it takes until you're on a firm enough footing not to need the money management and can trust yourself more.

 

[Pagey]

There's no point beating yourself up about this - what's done is done, and you can try to look at this in a positive light in the sense that you should use the regret as motivation to quit. As Sepher said, relapses happen, but the important thing is not to focus on that but to look towards the future instead.
It's true it could also be a very good idea to trust someone else with your money in the meantime.

 

[phactor]

Had a year clean and I relapsed for about six months, now its day one again for me. I am not a huge day counter though. Try look at it as a mistake and a learning experience. Try to figure out what made you go and use again.

 

[c0re7]

hey man, well done for the 7 months. I struggled with charlie for a hell of a long time and only managed to stop when I replaced it with another drug (terrible idea, dont even think about that one...) so I really respect what your doing and how hard it is.

what matters is to focus on the positives - your first proper check in a while, so what you started a new job? write down the way you feel as a result of making the mistake in a diary or a personal blog, and be sure to read that the day before your next check .. and again when the money is in your hand. it's a tough one, as you say your mom will help you whatever, but I got a feeling that "whatever" wont include her finding out you rinsed the money on powder??? remember the more often you do it the bigger the chance she'll find out, one way or another.. you cant make up excuses for where all the $$$ went forever !

Hope ya feel better real soon pal and again, well done for the 7 months, thats a lifetime in addicts terms so be proud and look forward to doing better next time

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I was addicted to raw for a few years. Did a lot of fucked up shit to get it. Now I'm addicted to dope and I can't stop d as easy as I can coke bc now I get sick. I kinda wish I cud trade my dope addiction for my coke addiction, but in the end no addiction is admirable

Point is things cud always b worse. And it's easy to b hard on urself. Im assuming your still young, and being young is when your SUPPOSED to screw up and learn from it. So take it as a lesson, one that you'll hopefully never repeat but probly will a few dozen times

 

[herbavore]

what matters is to focus on the positives - your first proper check in a while, so what you started a new job? write down the way you feel as a result of making the mistake in a diary or a personal blog, and be sure to read that the day before your next check .. and again when the money is in your hand.

that's a great idea. I think that when we are confronted with such huge and overwhelming changes that we often forget that change is only ever achievable through the small steps. It's like you are standing on one side of a deep chasm and you know that you have to get to the other side. You look at the distance and all you can think is, "I can never jump that far. I'll fail." Instead of jumping in one leap, you may have to do the hard work of scrambling down one side and back up the other and that is only accomplished by taking small, conscious steps. Strategies are everything and writing stuff down is a very good one.

 

[lonewolf05]

I agree with everyone on here. What's done is done. You fucked up, but your focus should be on whether you continue using or stop. It's a choice dude. People can rant all they want about addiction being a disease, but at the end of the day you're making a conscious choice to use. The best advice I can give you is to distract yourself with exercise or a hobby. Exercise is the best medicine for an addictive personality.

 

[Crashing]

No sweat man, you slipped up once... everyone slips... the point is to recognize the slip and not do it again anytime soon. You're so lucky that your mom is covering your mistake or that she is willing to help you financially at all so just look on the bright side and know that it's your choice what you wanna do with your next paycheck.