hello, im new to bl, but have been a lurker for quite some time. i wanted to share my story with everyone and hope for some support in my times of need. from just browsing the site the first time i knew bl was a place i belong and wanted to be a part of. my story may be a bit long and not as interesting as some others i read but its all i've got. so here goes nothing. (appologies for spelling, grammer, capitalization & punctiation.)
i am a 21 year old male. moved back to ohio when i was 16 and thats when my trouble started. i found my parents presciptions. vicodin, perks, xanax, whatever i could get my hands on i snuck and took. they never knew a thing. i used very recreationaly. never had a habit but always wanted more. my original DOC was perks. i bought some here and there just took them to do something besides drink (im not a big drinker, and never really liked weed) things were fine for me until about a year ago. i started a new job with a guy and we became good friends. he knew of my minor usage but i knew little about him until long story short i found out he had a heroin problem. he explained to me the feeling is just like perks but cheaper and stronger so how could i resist? we started buying h together around dec/january 2012. i used recreationally (snorting) fairly often. at the time i lived with my gf and she knew nothing besides my occasional pill habit. i started realizing very soon things were getting out of hand(about april 2012) in may i moved back in with my parents to save money to buy a house and things started going downhill from there. very slowly i feel victim to addiction. i tried thinking back to the last time i was sober and couldnt remember when that was so i decided to take a few days off. i was not in phyiscal pain really, but mentally i was a train wreck. depressed, emotional, anxious. i started to realize the lack of drugs was the cause so i kept taking them to avoid the emotional pain. its now january and i have been using almost daily for 8 months now. i have never stolen to suppport my habit, no one knows about it. it hasnt brought me to the bottom of the bottom, but i cant afford it anymore. i dont want to afford it. i want to quit, but i want to be high. these days when i stop the h usage it can be pretty physical, not nearly as bad as stories i read on here but enough to keep me from getting out of bed. no sleep, restless leg, ect you guys know the deal. also i just had surgery and owe the hospital a good chunk of money and was also sued and owe another couple thousand for some dumb stuff that happeded a few years back. i just bought a brand new car because my ride blew up. im nervous this addiction is going to bring me down and put me in a hole. these things also kept me using just so i would forget about my sorrows.
that leads me to today thursday january 17. i bought one and a half 8mg subutex and have been taking 2mg a day since monday, so day 4 today with no h. my plan is to take 1mg tomorrow and 1mg saturday to get me threw work. and try to quit this horrible drug. but even on the sub, im having major craving. all i can think about is when im going to get high again, i wanna get high "one last time" but i kinda know that its always going to be that one last time. im doing decent on the subutex (bought on street) but idk how im going to feel once i stop. my main concern is working. without h or bupe work seems unrealistic. i havent missed any days, but im definatly not giving it my all on days i decided not to score/couldnt, ect. as much as i wanna stop this nasty habit, i also wish i would win the lottery and not have to. when sober i hate the way life works, i hate the 9 to 5 aspect of life. i just get so down and out and lazy. i hate my job, hate my life, hate everything. and honestly, i have it better than a lot of my friends, i make more money, have nicer things, have a loving gf (who thinks im addicted to pills, not heroin) and puts up with me. i have a honestly great life if i could just kick this addiction.
my parents know nothing of whats going on in my life and would honestly disown me if they found out. i have one friend who i use with whenever i choose to drag him along for the ride, but he doesnt have a problem like i do. besides him, no one else really knows. and no one can know. i know that until im ready to stop, its not going to happen, but i also know that living a completly sober life sounds like hell to me also. before using h i was a hard worker, did great in highschool, a generally good person. and while using i still am. im a great loving big hearted individual until i take a few days off. i do a 100% 180. sometimes i think being a functional addict is harder than being a full out junkie because you have more to hide, and a lot more to lose. besides subutex and multivitamins, i have actually been smoking weed to help the cravings, although i hate being high on grass.
day 4 without heroin and it feels good (with subutex) what hurts is wondering if/when ill get high again and trying to convice myself one more time cant hurt....
any advice, comments, concerns, words of wisdom, or just plain welcomes will be enjoyed. share your story with me if you have been addicted to h and lived to tell about it. thats what i wanna know, how many people have kicked it on there own, why, and how. thats a way to life some spirits!
i am a 21 year old male. moved back to ohio when i was 16 and thats when my trouble started. i found my parents presciptions. vicodin, perks, xanax, whatever i could get my hands on i snuck and took. they never knew a thing. i used very recreationaly. never had a habit but always wanted more. my original DOC was perks. i bought some here and there just took them to do something besides drink (im not a big drinker, and never really liked weed) things were fine for me until about a year ago. i started a new job with a guy and we became good friends. he knew of my minor usage but i knew little about him until long story short i found out he had a heroin problem. he explained to me the feeling is just like perks but cheaper and stronger so how could i resist? we started buying h together around dec/january 2012. i used recreationally (snorting) fairly often. at the time i lived with my gf and she knew nothing besides my occasional pill habit. i started realizing very soon things were getting out of hand(about april 2012) in may i moved back in with my parents to save money to buy a house and things started going downhill from there. very slowly i feel victim to addiction. i tried thinking back to the last time i was sober and couldnt remember when that was so i decided to take a few days off. i was not in phyiscal pain really, but mentally i was a train wreck. depressed, emotional, anxious. i started to realize the lack of drugs was the cause so i kept taking them to avoid the emotional pain. its now january and i have been using almost daily for 8 months now. i have never stolen to suppport my habit, no one knows about it. it hasnt brought me to the bottom of the bottom, but i cant afford it anymore. i dont want to afford it. i want to quit, but i want to be high. these days when i stop the h usage it can be pretty physical, not nearly as bad as stories i read on here but enough to keep me from getting out of bed. no sleep, restless leg, ect you guys know the deal. also i just had surgery and owe the hospital a good chunk of money and was also sued and owe another couple thousand for some dumb stuff that happeded a few years back. i just bought a brand new car because my ride blew up. im nervous this addiction is going to bring me down and put me in a hole. these things also kept me using just so i would forget about my sorrows.
that leads me to today thursday january 17. i bought one and a half 8mg subutex and have been taking 2mg a day since monday, so day 4 today with no h. my plan is to take 1mg tomorrow and 1mg saturday to get me threw work. and try to quit this horrible drug. but even on the sub, im having major craving. all i can think about is when im going to get high again, i wanna get high "one last time" but i kinda know that its always going to be that one last time. im doing decent on the subutex (bought on street) but idk how im going to feel once i stop. my main concern is working. without h or bupe work seems unrealistic. i havent missed any days, but im definatly not giving it my all on days i decided not to score/couldnt, ect. as much as i wanna stop this nasty habit, i also wish i would win the lottery and not have to. when sober i hate the way life works, i hate the 9 to 5 aspect of life. i just get so down and out and lazy. i hate my job, hate my life, hate everything. and honestly, i have it better than a lot of my friends, i make more money, have nicer things, have a loving gf (who thinks im addicted to pills, not heroin) and puts up with me. i have a honestly great life if i could just kick this addiction.
my parents know nothing of whats going on in my life and would honestly disown me if they found out. i have one friend who i use with whenever i choose to drag him along for the ride, but he doesnt have a problem like i do. besides him, no one else really knows. and no one can know. i know that until im ready to stop, its not going to happen, but i also know that living a completly sober life sounds like hell to me also. before using h i was a hard worker, did great in highschool, a generally good person. and while using i still am. im a great loving big hearted individual until i take a few days off. i do a 100% 180. sometimes i think being a functional addict is harder than being a full out junkie because you have more to hide, and a lot more to lose. besides subutex and multivitamins, i have actually been smoking weed to help the cravings, although i hate being high on grass.
day 4 without heroin and it feels good (with subutex) what hurts is wondering if/when ill get high again and trying to convice myself one more time cant hurt....
any advice, comments, concerns, words of wisdom, or just plain welcomes will be enjoyed. share your story with me if you have been addicted to h and lived to tell about it. thats what i wanna know, how many people have kicked it on there own, why, and how. thats a way to life some spirits!
