Relationships, depression, and drugs....

[budsnbars712]

I am writing this right now because sometimes I feel suicidal like I did on the way to work this morning, I just wanted to take that car steering wheel and swing it to the left, right into the guard rail and end my life. I feel I have to get some of this out, I'm sorry if this is too long for you. I have to get it out....

I am 24 yrs old male now and I began smoking pot at 14 years old. I was never good with breakups as I was so sad from a 6 month relationship ending when I was 14 that it turned me into a depressed schlep, or maybe I was one already and the drugs just brought it out more. I turned to pot after the breakup because of the depression that was brought on. I just was "curious" and didn't care about myself anymore. "Why let a person do that to you?" you may be asking yourself. I cannot change the way my mind runs as this has been my way of thinking for a long time. I smoked pot, did my own thing, and was a depressed idiot all throughout HS until I met this girl in 11th grade. This girl liked me and I did not know why, I was a pothead (keep to myself/group) skater, and she was a non-smoker, non-drinker, young girl.

Point is I ended up with this girl for 6 years and she was always that CLEAN outlet in my life. As horrible as this sounds, I used to smoke weed with my friends (even though the gf hated it) and I used her as like the clean person to turn to in my life. Of course other people in my life were clean but obviously I did not have a connection with them like I did with this girl. Throughout the relationship, I was not motivated in life. I was just "satisfied" with a hot, good girl. We ALWAYS talked about getting married and having kids but I was the one to kinda ignore the conversation as I was and still am a negative person. I did not look to the future as I was always afraid and never saw any hope. So I got by selling pot with no job for two yrs and did nothing with my life. I don't look at the glass half full. I look at the glass half empty, and I am aware of that. That's just the way I am, I am trying to change but it is very difficult as I was even taking maximum dosage of anti-depressant (zoloft) and another (lexapro) at one point with no positive effect whatsoever.

So basically this girl I felt just started fading from my life, always working and going to school after I ended HS. Just progressing as I wasn't. I sat in my basement, depressed, playing video games, not wanting to deal with life through most of the relationship. I barely even did things with her. I know that was an issue and I don't want to hear it from anyone, because I know that didn't help.

This girl broke up with me after putting up with my shit for 6 yrs in the summer of '11 because she was done with my depression and no ambition attitude. She said I haven't changed and she's been asking for years me to better myself. So i have not been with her for almost a year and a half now. I go through phases of depression or maybe just fucking realization that my life is not what I thought it would be at 24. Half my problem is that I just sit around and complain about it and don't actually DO anything about it. I don't change my life because I have always been afraid of change and I am not a hopeful person as a lot of things have happened in my short life so far... I am prescribed xanax and now its just another problem added to the mix. I am fully hooked as I take around 2 mg's a day since the breakup, even before when shit wasn't so strong between us. I don't even fucking know where this thread is going. I'm just so sad and upset that I sacrifice everything because of drugs and depression. I feel everything was always my fault. My doctor tells me I put way to much pressure on myself, but I don't know any other way. All the other people in my life are way farther along because they did not have or let depression hit them like this. And the worst part about is I don't take and real action to change it. To this day, I just want to go home from work, fall out of reality into a video game, smoke weed and not have to think about life...and that's exactly what Ill do. I take xanax throughout the day and it does not fix the problem anymore, it never did, but now it doesn't even work as well for a crutch. As the winter was coming along here in NY, I felt that my depression was raising. I always have it but its way worse in the cold environment for me.

I guess the point is I just think about taking my life too much these days because I don't handle problems. Like I stated, I can't even stay on track to really try because I see no hope. In the warmer weather, I feel a little different but the depression is still there. I wake up everyday with jitters and not wanting to get out of bed. Idk if this is because of withdrawal from xanax from not having since the night before or not. I do not think it is because I used to vomit (unwillingly) in the morning, even while with my gf, because I couldnt handle life....And that was before i began xanax.

I kept contact with that girl as she was one of my best friends also throughout those years after we broke off. Now I was always trying to get her back and still am, but I haven't changed THAT much. My mentality is not that far off from when we broke up but at the same time, I've been taking small steps (or trying) since we broke up to change my way of life. I have a job now, finished a 2 yr college, go to the gym but still have no direction. I'm just a dead end security guard. And the number 1 problem, my depression is still there.... I still love this girl as she was the best thing that happened to my life. We talked all the way through till about two weeks ago. We were supposed to go see a Broadway show together, but she backed out like she has been doing for the past couple of years probably because she is scared on what is going to happen between us.

All I do know is that I am depressed, I don't have ambition, I do not want to live any longer like this....I don't even have a facebook fully because I look at everyone else who I graduated with and see how far along they've come. I tried finding my ex also and it seems impossible. She told me she does not have a facebook as she was a loaner like me when it came to things like that. I was browsing and started looking at her family members profiles and became even more upset as it reminded me of what I had and lost. The last thing me and my ex said to each other was merry christmas last week and I feel she did it almost out of pity or just to be polite.

This girl can do so much better than me and might be already (claims she isn't, but who knows). Im sorry for this being so long and I feel I didn't even get anywhere as I tear writing this. Idk if I should end my life, end drugs, end my job. I don't know what to do to get out of this scenario. I put on a front and people think I am happy, but when they get to know me, they distance themselves...Because they see they have no control, only I do. I don't even know what I am asking for out of this post, maybe just positive outlook. I want my girl back, I want a REAL LIFE. I want to be able to be fucking happy.....and I want to be able to say "I want to get out of bed today"

I'm already thinking about pulling this post as I don't even know what I am looking for out of it. Just sanity...

 

[sconnie420]

Dang dude, it sounds like you got a lot of shit of your plate and mind..
Sorry you're feeling so bad, I can relate to the depression.. Are you still on meds for it? Xannex will mess with your head too.. It did for me anyways.

 

[llama112]

Have you tried taking some Vitamin D supplements? They are supposed to help give you the vitamins that the sunlight gives you over the summer. I have had some times in the winter where I just come home from work and do something because I'm so tired, it's so dark and cold and bla outside. But the Vitamin D can be helpful sometimes.

Maybe you need to separate yourself from this girl for a while? Stop thinking about her? It is hard to get over someone but sometimes it is necessary if you want to move on with your life.

I'm going to move this over to The Dark Side. I think it may be better suited there.

I wish I could off more advice, best of luck to you

 

[hefe1313]

have youy thought about what you want to do in the future? do you have any goals? do you want to be a cop?
i think having a goal and achieving it is a good feeling. think about what you would like to do, or what make you happy?

 

[Foreigner]

You need outside help to get through this, especially if you are thinking of driving your car off the road. You're already in crisis. Please seek help? If you don't have the strength to do it, then please confide in someone you trust to help you take action. Reach out to whoever is available. I have been where you are. All the thinking you're doing is making you spiral out of control. Some kind of medicative intervention might be needed. I wouldn't even worry about the specific issues you're having right now - just get to a doctor. Once you are out of the suicidal state you can think more clearly about life again.

Xanax and weed... those will depress you even more. I think part of what you're dealing with here may be biochemical. I would recommend seeing a counselor or a doctor.... some kind of professional to help you sort things out. My instinct is that you shouldn't be using xanax while you're in this depressive state, but I'm not trained in pharmacy so I don't know for sure.

Please get help.

 

[teological]

Dude I would like to say stuff to ya to make u fell better, but the problem is we are both on the same boat, almost exact, and being almost identical to ur situation, I know that saying shit would just get u more angry.

Instead of riding the car off the road, I keep on staring at my guns and ammo...I dont even step out my room to get in the car lol.

You haven't got facebook? Lol try not having facebook, a phone, an email or a proper job, then think how long it has been i have been wit a chik. What is an iPhone, I have NEVER used them smart phone things or anyhthing else for that matter.

What my point is here is that there are heaps of us depressed people out there.

How do I try to cope? I have instances were I feel "ok", it could be because of the thought that my drug day is coming up (most the time this is the reason), or because I succesfully achieved a goal. During these times I write out more goals, literally, I plan out what I want in the next few weeks to years and attempt to feel comfort in knowing where I am headed. I then start to work towards it. I self medicate (although I advise against this) on a planned recreational basis (that always somehow gets out of hand). My family has not seen me in ages and we live in the same house. I am 24 Male and hate living, so bro u are not alone.

The one thing that keeps me sane bro, is exercise and healthy competition. The funny thing is, besides my family (who ignore it, but cammon I never come out my room, like ever. They see me like 2 minutes a day, when I drink water or have to cross paths), no one can tell with me either. The smiling front that I have developed is amazing. It really pisses me off to the point of boiling rage how no one can tell. Peace bro

Obviously the best answer is seek professional help.

 

[modelskinny]

Have you tried taking some Vitamin D supplements? They are supposed to help give you the vitamins that the sunlight gives you over the summer. ...Vitamin D can be helpful sometimes.

I second this. Just making sure you're getting enough Vitamin D along with all of your other basic vitamins/minerals will be beyond important.

:: hugs ::

 

[parachuteantics]

I understand what you are going through. I have been in a similar situation before. Things will slowly get better in time if you keep at it. Follow a passion, take up some new hobbies. It seems you are taking some healthy steps towards healthy lifestyle, at least healthier than you were.

It seems like things suck and you want to die, and I have felt that way before, but I think about all goods things I take for granted or the things I haven't experienced yet and would like to. If your girlfriend was your clean way out or positive tool to help you, don't seek her back, maybe try to find people like her, that bring out the best in you. Taking up hobbies, going to concerts, it helps you meet people or helps you find out what you really like to do. It's a suggestion to get out there, take the reigns on your life, as your depression will not go away without some work and dedictaion towards you making a positive life change even in baby steps!!

Good luck and things will get better!

 

[Timber]

I am writing this right now because sometimes I feel suicidal like I did on the way to work this morning, I just wanted to take that car steering wheel and swing it to the left, right into the guard rail and end my life. I feel I have to get some of this out, I'm sorry if this is too long for you. I have to get it out....

I am 24 yrs old male now and I began smoking pot at 14 years old. I was never good with breakups as I was so sad from a 6 month relationship ending when I was 14 that it turned me into a depressed schlep, or maybe I was one already and the drugs just brought it out more. I turned to pot after the breakup because of the depression that was brought on. I just was "curious" and didn't care about myself anymore. "Why let a person do that to you?" you may be asking yourself. I cannot change the way my mind runs as this has been my way of thinking for a long time. I smoked pot, did my own thing, and was a depressed idiot all throughout HS until I met this girl in 11th grade. This girl liked me and I did not know why, I was a pothead (keep to myself/group) skater, and she was a non-smoker, non-drinker, young girl.

Point is I ended up with this girl for 6 years and she was always that CLEAN outlet in my life. As horrible as this sounds, I used to smoke weed with my friends (even though the gf hated it) and I used her as like the clean person to turn to in my life. Of course other people in my life were clean but obviously I did not have a connection with them like I did with this girl. Throughout the relationship, I was not motivated in life. I was just "satisfied" with a hot, good girl. We ALWAYS talked about getting married and having kids but I was the one to kinda ignore the conversation as I was and still am a negative person. I did not look to the future as I was always afraid and never saw any hope. So I got by selling pot with no job for two yrs and did nothing with my life. I don't look at the glass half full. I look at the glass half empty, and I am aware of that. That's just the way I am, I am trying to change but it is very difficult as I was even taking maximum dosage of anti-depressant (zoloft) and another (lexapro) at one point with no positive effect whatsoever.

So basically this girl I felt just started fading from my life, always working and going to school after I ended HS. Just progressing as I wasn't. I sat in my basement, depressed, playing video games, not wanting to deal with life through most of the relationship. I barely even did things with her. I know that was an issue and I don't want to hear it from anyone, because I know that didn't help.

This girl broke up with me after putting up with my shit for 6 yrs in the summer of '11 because she was done with my depression and no ambition attitude. She said I haven't changed and she's been asking for years me to better myself. So i have not been with her for almost a year and a half now. I go through phases of depression or maybe just fucking realization that my life is not what I thought it would be at 24. Half my problem is that I just sit around and complain about it and don't actually DO anything about it. I don't change my life because I have always been afraid of change and I am not a hopeful person as a lot of things have happened in my short life so far... I am prescribed xanax and now its just another problem added to the mix. I am fully hooked as I take around 2 mg's a day since the breakup, even before when shit wasn't so strong between us. I don't even fucking know where this thread is going. I'm just so sad and upset that I sacrifice everything because of drugs and depression. I feel everything was always my fault. My doctor tells me I put way to much pressure on myself, but I don't know any other way. All the other people in my life are way farther along because they did not have or let depression hit them like this. And the worst part about is I don't take and real action to change it. To this day, I just want to go home from work, fall out of reality into a video game, smoke weed and not have to think about life...and that's exactly what Ill do. I take xanax throughout the day and it does not fix the problem anymore, it never did, but now it doesn't even work as well for a crutch. As the winter was coming along here in NY, I felt that my depression was raising. I always have it but its way worse in the cold environment for me.

I guess the point is I just think about taking my life too much these days because I don't handle problems. Like I stated, I can't even stay on track to really try because I see no hope. In the warmer weather, I feel a little different but the depression is still there. I wake up everyday with jitters and not wanting to get out of bed. Idk if this is because of withdrawal from xanax from not having since the night before or not. I do not think it is because I used to vomit (unwillingly) in the morning, even while with my gf, because I couldnt handle life....And that was before i began xanax.

I kept contact with that girl as she was one of my best friends also throughout those years after we broke off. Now I was always trying to get her back and still am, but I haven't changed THAT much. My mentality is not that far off from when we broke up but at the same time, I've been taking small steps (or trying) since we broke up to change my way of life. I have a job now, finished a 2 yr college, go to the gym but still have no direction. I'm just a dead end security guard. And the number 1 problem, my depression is still there.... I still love this girl as she was the best thing that happened to my life. We talked all the way through till about two weeks ago. We were supposed to go see a Broadway show together, but she backed out like she has been doing for the past couple of years probably because she is scared on what is going to happen between us.

All I do know is that I am depressed, I don't have ambition, I do not want to live any longer like this....I don't even have a facebook fully because I look at everyone else who I graduated with and see how far along they've come. I tried finding my ex also and it seems impossible. She told me she does not have a facebook as she was a loaner like me when it came to things like that. I was browsing and started looking at her family members profiles and became even more upset as it reminded me of what I had and lost. The last thing me and my ex said to each other was merry christmas last week and I feel she did it almost out of pity or just to be polite.

This girl can do so much better than me and might be already (claims she isn't, but who knows). Im sorry for this being so long and I feel I didn't even get anywhere as I tear writing this. Idk if I should end my life, end drugs, end my job. I don't know what to do to get out of this scenario. I put on a front and people think I am happy, but when they get to know me, they distance themselves...Because they see they have no control, only I do. I don't even know what I am asking for out of this post, maybe just positive outlook. I want my girl back, I want a REAL LIFE. I want to be able to be fucking happy.....and I want to be able to say "I want to get out of bed today"

I'm already thinking about pulling this post as I don't even know what I am looking for out of it. Just sanity...

Your emotional development may be several years behind your peers, but in terms of where you are at in life. If you have an associates degree you are maybe 2 years behind slightly less than half of your peers. I wouldn't beat yourself up about that. Its never too late to go back and finish up school with a bachelors, or to even go on to get a professional degree IF you can find the motivation to do it.

From the eyes of this old man, you aren't in a hole you can't free yourself from. Its simply up to you to do it.

 

[The Golden Opiate]

Ha. You remind me of myself.

I noticed that you really put emphasis on how you think you're behind everyone else in some way. But you haven't yet seemed to notice how you're further ahead of everyone else. I'm not even sure YOU CAN notice it...

Just like me. Late bloomers tend to be extraordinary in some way, they spend years falling behind their peers, when boom, out of nowhere, they outshine everyone in their class.

 

[budsnbars712]

Sconnie, I am not on an "ssri" or any kind of medication anymore besides the xanax, I tried up to 300mg of zoloft and also tried lexapro separately for a couple of months with no noticeable changes. I used depression as an excuse and self medicate. I was using xanax before I seeked (and succeeded) getting them perscribed. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Llama, I am trying to not talk to her as I still have not since just the "Merry Christmas". Its rough though, every time I get a message or hear my phone go off, I'll get angry or depressed if it's not her and I don't even want to look at the message anymore. I know I have to change that mindset, another thing I "know" I have to do, but yet STILL don't do anything about. And as hefe asked, I do have SOME goals, as in I am trying to put on weight (muscle mass) and just improve my life all around (job, friends, etc..) but maybe my goals are not direct enough. The no ambition attitude does not help with that... Maybe I just need to man up and stop thinking about shit. That's a huge problem, over-thinking...and it's not something I can just stop. I have tried...... I have thought about the vitamin deficiency myself, and just never thought that this could be the the source of ALL of this. Which it is not, obviously it is more than that, but it might help, maybe even big time (THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD). Also, when I read or hear about stories similar, I know it shouldn't, but it makes me feel better...Sometimes I wish I could be with people that feel the same way (like tealogical) but that is probably way worse for all of us, as we need inspiration, not regression. Getting "out there", like parachuteantics recommended is possible as I have lot of friends, just rough as I have no drive or ambition. Depression put a stop to my life. And when I do go out, I just feel left out even thought I am not, just because I am not as close with everyone because I am not out with them all the time. Just another deterrent. And to timber and The golden opiate, your words and the perspective you put them in helps a lot. Thank you to everyone for even taking the time to read the thread as I was so depressed when I wrote this only a couple of days ago. It comes in spurts and like tealogical said, there are times I am "ok" but only for the time being. I need to find the root cause which might lead to a pyschologist, but even typing this out on here makes me feel and think about it which just makes it shittier. The EXACT reason I go home to "escape" from reality in a unreal world with xanax and weed emphasizing the escape. Thanks again to all as we all have our problems and I am grateful that people reach out to help anyway.

PS- My anxiety and "these feelings" are always way worse in the morning. I wake up and I guess it's like "back to reality". Back to this shitty old routine, and even when I change it, I'm still not happy. I think I originally wrote, but I am not sure if i did, that I used to throw up every morning just from anxiety. I learned to not get stomache aches over it in the morning but obviously, I still have major issues... I put myself in this position by going down a wrong path and now I am miserable. I go to sleep stoned and on xanax, that most likely doesn't help. But is it something subconscious in my sleep that makes the mornings so intolerable? As the day goes on, my depression seems to be "covered up" and I keep it that way by masking it with the drugs at the end of the day. Then repeat.....Thanks again to all who responded!

 

[MasterDestroyer]

I know exactly how you feel man, I've been struggling with similar things the past year as well.

If you're able to, a psychologist can help immensely. It's not going to make everything go away, but it can really help you put things in perspective.

 

[luckyshot04]

Buds, I read your posts and I really am sorry you feel the way you do. I agree with one poster that outside help will be beneficial; I had anxiety, which led to panic attacks, to depression, to not leaving the house. The funny thing is I was voted "Most Outgoing" in my high school senior class and after I graduated, I thought that was insane when I went through a phase.

I just want to give you a few things I believe I picked up on.

First, you have realized you are not alone. And that's good, because being down makes you feel all alone. I've self-medicated for ten years, I understand that. From experience, xanax helped my anxiety, but it also made me feel like shit in the mornings. I used to wake up nervous for no reason. I quit smoking pot during this phase (anxiety got too bad) after smoking for years daily. I noticed a big change. After a while, if you're in a funk, I firmly believe that pot will only make you more down. It will make you lazy, sometimes give you the "I don't give a fuck" feeling. I quit smoking with no issues.

Maybe try a few days without the pot and xanax (I know pot won't physically hurt you, but xanax WD will). Don't just cold turkey the xanax, you know the results of that. If you could just cut back a little, clear your mind a little bit. I think this combo, with your current state, may be hindering your ability to do what you want to do.

A quick thing on the GF. The love of my life, from high school through my first two years of college (I even got her on a reality show because she wanted to be a TV star, I would've walked to hell for her) left me after we had a child. My first love, I was crushed. It took time, but after you meet someone else that has great qualities, you will slowly feel that slip away. I guarantee you miss her, I know the feeling. Cherish the good times you had. But I didn't see if you mentioned meeting other girls? You said you have friends, do you confide in them how you feel, the ones that will understand and help you?

Don't compare your progress to your peer's progress. Let me give you an example. My mom and dad divorced when I was just three or four. I had a twin brother, which helped. But my mom met my current stepdad a couple years later and they married. For over 20 years, he's been my dad. The point is this though; We live in a small rural town in KY. He was a high school dropout (He could've played Division 1 Basketball, he was 6 ft in the 6th grade and starting varisty the next year). His b-ball coach begged him to stay in, tried to get him to straighten up. He didn't listen and his hoops dreams were shattered. It broke my heart as a child to hear his story.

Regardless, with no HS diploma, a dropout, this man is the best diesel mechanic in our area, hands down. He worked hard and got a good corporate job in Lousiville, KY. He had to get his GED then, but he did. Before that, he still made great money. Drugs ruined that and him and my mom still battle it. After he lost the corporate job, he opened his own business. Without going on here, you see what I mean? This man would have been the laughing stock of his peers. Star basketball player dropouts, he will accomplish jack shit in life. He ended up with more success than a lot of his friends. Who would've guessed?

You've got a 2 year degree and congrats on that! That is a great accomplishment and that already puts you on a great path. Who cares what others you went to school with do? Unless it's your good friends that can help you, the others that have succeeded have pushed hard. But you are your own man, just tell yourself, why should I care what John Doe does, makes a year, and if he shits on a golden toilet. I don't mean that in a rude way, really, don't take that as mean. I'm not being rude at all. I'm pumping your ego up to tell you that you can do anything you put your mind to. You got through 2 years of college (I got a bachelor's, I know it's tough). Even my twin brother, who people said would be growing pot in this area when he got older, got a bachelor's in marketing. He did better than those assholes who put him down. It still bothers him though, but he's my twin, I pick him up and carry him if I have to.

Without going on too much, you have already accomplished more than others. You held down one relationship with a nice, hot girl! You can do that again, there are plenty of women. You're right, you want to DO a lot but you haven't put forth the effort to DO what you know you can. You know you can do it, write it down, plan it out, and get started my friend. You'll come out of that funk and you will succeed.

Don't hesitate to discuss those suicidal thoughts with a qualified medical professional. Do not even consider taking your life. I will give you my phone number if you want it; Because if you ever even contemplate it, ANY OF YOU, you can call me and I'll talk with you as long as you want. I firmly believe that every one of you has a purpose in life, not to end it early. I've seen people do this, it's selfish to their family and who knows what they could have did.

GOOD LUCK, STAY STRONG! YOU WILL PREVAIL, I GUARANTEE IT!

Summer will be here soon, the winter is some gloomy shit, I bet in NY it's even worse. That seasonal depression sucks a big one, I'd love to feel Florida sunshine every day!

 

[budsnbars712]

I came on here just now anxious as anything. I just got off of facebook after I made one yesterday thinking it would progress me further if I did, but all it did was make me think about how "far" other people are going. I am thinking about deleting it until I actually feel good about myself. And then I see the post by luckyshot. Honestly, I wish I knew someone like you in reality. Loneliness. That honestly I believe is a major underlying reason for my depression. My parents split when I was young, then it was father vs. mother until my dad got re-married. Father passed in 2006. I lived with my sister and mother the whole time and they're just alike. Basically, my mom and sister were together all the time and I really didnt have anybody besides my good friend then. This was about ten years ago. Then I met the girl I was talking about in this thread. That is when I basically didn't feel "alone" anymore. She was nothing like me as I already said but I finally found someone that just cared. Actually fucking cared, we were together for 6 almost 7 yrs. That is all I knew after that, she was with me when my father died unexpectedly. I just took a xanax to calm myself down because I came on here in a bad state. Im breaking down and it comes down to the fact that i just feel alone. All I had was her, no connection with anyone else in my life. My friends separate themselves from me because they're all functioning (potheads and alcoholics) and this shit probably just scares them (non are depressed). Plus, they don't pity, they party, I mean im fucking 24. I should be out there instead of being a miserable fuck. I am so anxious right now that my throat is starting to hurt as I just screamed at the top of my lungs. As I type this out I just want puke in my job bathroom and walk off into a bright light...My mother does not distance herself as much as she did not know that I felt like I had no one after my girlfriend left me and I felt that my gf was all I had since my dad passed. Now I feel my mother is overwhelmed and is scared.. I would never want to hurt my family by hurting myself. But at the same time...I can't take this fucking mindset anymore. Thank you for your wisdom luckyshot. It helps....

 

[luckyshot04]

I came on here just now anxious as anything. I just got off of facebook after I made one yesterday thinking it would progress me further if I did, but all it did was make me think about how "far" other people are going. I am thinking about deleting it until I actually feel good about myself. And then I see the post by luckyshot. Honestly, I wish I knew someone like you in reality. Loneliness. That honestly I believe is a major underlying reason for my depression. My parents split when I was young, then it was father vs. mother until my dad got re-married. Father passed in 2006. I lived with my sister and mother the whole time and they're just alike. Basically, my mom and sister were together all the time and I really didnt have anybody besides my good friend then. This was about ten years ago. Then I met the girl I was talking about in this thread. That is when I basically didn't feel "alone" anymore. She was nothing like me as I already said but I finally found someone that just cared. Actually fucking cared, we were together for 6 almost 7 yrs. That is all I knew after that, she was with me when my father died unexpectedly. I just took a xanax to calm myself down because I came on here in a bad state. Im breaking down and it comes down to the fact that i just feel alone. All I had was her, no connection with anyone else in my life. My friends separate themselves from me because they're all functioning (potheads and alcoholics) and this shit probably just scares them (non are depressed). Plus, they don't pity, they party, I mean im fucking 24. I should be out there instead of being a miserable fuck. I am so anxious right now that my throat is starting to hurt as I just screamed at the top of my lungs. As I type this out I just want puke in my job bathroom and walk off into a bright light...My mother does not distance herself as much as she did not know that I felt like I had no one after my girlfriend left me and I felt that my gf was all I had since my dad passed. Now I feel my mother is overwhelmed and is scared.. I would never want to hurt my family by hurting myself. But at the same time...I can't take this fucking mindset anymore. Thank you for your wisdom luckyshot. It helps....

Well buds, thanks for what you said!!! I mean, I'm not a functioning addict anymore, I've hit the bottom a few times here lately. But your props to me mean quite a bit. When I joined here, I didn't expect to be in TDS, but I started reading posts and realized WE ARE ALL ALIKE in most ways.

Nothing that you have posted would scare me away from you in reality. I know what it's like through divorce, it kinda fucked me up as well. My dad remarried and fishing was his most important passion. Not his twin boys, but fishing? One other thing I can relate with you on is this; My mom got sick a few years ago and without going into major details (lengthy), she had a twisted bowel that went undiagnosed. A couple days later, she was in surgical critical care with her stomach wide open, most of her colon gone, an illostomy bag, and a 20% chance of life. The last thing I said to her before her helicopter flight to this trauma unit, before she went to the hospital, was a smart ass remark and I stormed out the door.

As I watch my mom lay here near death, I realized I had told her I was sorry when she had a damn tube up her nose, screaming in pain, getting close to the helicopter medflight. Fuck, she made it, it was rough shit, I would've never forgave myself for that.

The reason for the latter is the xanax. Here I am at this time a few months into recovery. I've got a job, am on suboxone, and then this happens. But it didn't break my sobriety compltely. I admit, I used a few OC's during this time, but I started eating xanax like candy. Mind you I had to live at this hospital (1 hour 30 min away from home) for 22 days in critical care and then about a week in a room. I came home only to get a few things done and went str8 back. The xanax is what kept me sane. I was losing sleep, stressing, thinking when the doctor paged me for a morning update she'd be dead. I just knew it was coming. Thank God he saved her; I grew up in church, don't go now, but prayer helped; However, to each their own, it is a free country

So, I digressed a little there, but I can't imagine how you felt when your father passed! robably remember the same thing I do, the feeling of calm when you thought there wasn't any. How you could handle a few things when five minutes before you were sure you'd die from a panic attack or just run away screaming, thinking you were going crazy.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I didn't lose my mom, even though it was close, I can't fully relate to that. But I see a lot of similarities in yourself and myself. When I was younger, a lot of ppl held me to a high standard. I wasn't the smartest guy in school, but I was quick on my feet, I could comprehend something quicker than most anybody else could. I had the wit. A lot of pressure, but now that I look back on it, I realize it doesn't matter what any of those people thought.

I think you're at least getting somewhere here. Being lonely sucks, I have felt that before. You grew up with your mom and sister, I grew up with my mom and twin (stepdad as well)! Just heed this, if that Facebook shit is bothering you, you delete that shit, deactivate your account, do what you need to do sir. I see it as well, people I grew up with making lawyers, getting PHD's. Sometimes, I realize that could've been me. Another point is the shit people put on there isn't always what it seems. Sometimes, people want to air out self-confidence on FB because their own life is falling apart. I remember when Facebook was for college students, you had to have a college e-mail to sign up, it wasn't public. We used it at school (not for sex hookups, we had parties) just to help each other with work, talk about things, etc. No farmville, cityville, shitville, you know

Let me ask you, have you thought about seeing a therapist? Have you ever taken anti-depressants? I forget if I read this info or not, but I have seen a therapist and it helped greatly with anxiety! I've never taken anti-depressants, but I've seen those work on friends. Therapists can be high, but there should be a service available to make it affordable. I would greatly advise you to do this, if you haven't, you might like the results. If you do choose a therapist, find one you like. Sometimes, you might have to shop around until you find someone you feel comfortable with. I would happily give you a few hours on my couch a week to vent, but NY is a long way

What kind of hobbies do you have? Do you get out other than just work? I live in a small, rural area and I'm telling you the honest truth; There is nothing here but Wal-Mart, fast food, and I sit here for thirty seconds and couldn't think of anything else. I loved being at college because there was stuff to do. Put yourself out there. I keep forgetting important things I want to tell you, I just start typing, so if I go topic-to-topic, it's my ADHD and lack of organization. But your friends should be supportive. If you have one you can reach out to, you do that. If they're a good friend (they're hard to find), they'll be there.

You will get over your breakup, I promise you. Now, I'm not saying that things couldn't go back to normal with her, I've seen it happen. It seems that is what you want. But it also seems that is what you want because you want to be content and feel secure. The mind can play tricks on ya! Think about if you found another girl and she gave you those same feelings. Yeah, you don't have the bond you did with your ex, but would that not help you feel more secure? I urge you, if you think it won't happen with your ex, to put yourself back on the playing field. You're right, you are 24, but you're not a miserable fuck! No more putting yourself down on this thread. I'm not giving up on you, but from here on, you have to say nothing but good things about yourself. I want to keep your spirits up.

I'm going to PM you my phone number. Let me know if you get it. I'll also give you my FB addy, you can add me as a friend first if you would feel more comfortable doing that. I draw unemployment, so I'm home all day. Let's have a chat, online or on the phone (it don't matter to me), it's your choice. But I want to talk to you. You seem like a cool guy, you're honest, you're intelligent, we can relate here.

Let me know if you got my stuff in PM. If you're a greenlighter like me, I don't know how many pm's we can get, but I keep mine clear for that reason. Add me on FB if you would like or you can call me. You don't have to even respond to what I've written here, you can go ahead and call me if you like. I really look forward to hearing from you. I'm Justin and it's been a pleasure talking wtih you. But let's continue this conversation. I've got a lot of hope for you sir.

With Best Regards,

Justin

<snip>

Keep in touch Buds, don't leave me hanging here!