New lows in life

[floatingaround]

Hey I don't post that often but have always been on bluelight.

Bit of background info. I'm 20, have amused quite a few drugs, went through an IV meth ' addiction' for 6 months about a yer ago though I no longer use. I've been smoking weed for almost 7 years straight though recently have cut down my use alot as it makes to far to socially anxious and overthink everything. I also went through a stage of abusing psychedelics like LSD and mushrooms, most of these times would be solo trips taking quite large doses and go through ego loss many many times. I've also done my Share of other stimulants like cocaine, MDMA and speed, along with heroin IV and abusing morphine and other strong opiates for quite a while.

I believe the acid and weed has made me who I am at this stage, which is a shy, extremely anxious, not confident, unmotivated person whose anxiety controls the way I live and go about things.

Recently, in the past 2 months I finally moved out of home and into my own apartment, it's shared housing with rent being ridiculous at 320 a week in Sydney's north shore. A week before Xmas I was fired due to gastro, but I had not been 100% reliable in weeks leading up to it which I understand.

I had to take out a loan to make bond for this place to start with, I loaned 3 grand and have not been able to pay the 150 per month that I'm suppose to be paying. I also owe vodaphone $1200 in phone bills, and I stupidity applied for another loan the other week from some little business for 250$ which they ended up sorting me. The only way I've been paying rent for the past 2 weeks is through the odd drug deal, borrowing money and money from Xmas- I'm scraping in to make this rent by my fucking teeth at the moment.

The good thing is I start a job trial tomorrow for garden labouring, if I can secure a job it will make things a lot easier, if real estate finds out I don't have a job they will more then likely try t et rid of me within 2 weeks of notice.

The real problem I've had though is this girl I've completely fallen in love with over the past year. We slept together one night when we first started speaking, I was sort of led on for about a month and got very interested and keen on her, to find out she liked my best mate who was not living in Sydney a this time. It shattered me.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago, me and this girl had become best friends, she knew me better then anyone else as did I of her, and she was the person who would brighten my world up and that I could speak to her about anything and know she would understand me. We were/ are just friends, it's like a brother sister relationship, I know she was never interested to begin with and over time I stopped thinking about her in a sexual way. Anyway, my old best mate who I don't speak to anymore, moved back down to Sydney and they got together pretty quickly, wasn't long till me and my friend( her names Kaite btw) stop hanging out as she was always with him, though I understand she likes him and would want to hang out with him more this was extremely hrd for me to handle.

I had made posts on bluelight before in SLR and the answers I got, which were expected was to stop speaking t her and cut all contact.

So I did that, and stopped speaking to basically everyone I used to hang with as old mate and Kaite were always together and everyone hangs with everyone, I could not cope being around them. Me and Kaite stopped speaking for about a month or two on my terms, she knows how I feel and knows its not easy for me.

A week ago she texted me saying ' I don't know how u feel about me anymore, but I'm sorry' I had found out her boyfriend had been locked up for bottling a train guard and he's set to do 6 months. I knew she had texted me due to how depressed she was and could not speak to other people because I know her the most out of everyone. I ended up cracking and saying come and hang out sometime. Come New Year's Eve I texted her and asked what she was doing for the night, she said nothing, I mentioned she should come and hang out and wel have a drink(worst idea looking back, though I know it was going to make problems again) we had a great night at a party, and she came back to my place and stayed the night. We talked about lot of things, and these issues, and how much shit we've been through together because of this then had more drinks, it was really good, I really missed hanging out with her.

Anyway next day in the afternoon she went to sleep and I started drinking bourban(which. Believe I have a problem with, alcohol just in general) she woe up and soon after said shes probably going to leave soon. My heart dropped, and at that stage knew I could not maintain this and we wouldn't be hanging out again for Avery LNG time after this as every fucking past thought and feeling I had towards her and got over in time, came rushing right back. I walked her to the station, holding back tears but not showing it, train pulled in. Give her a hug md kiss and she was off. I was fucking shattered. Ended up getting home and relised how much I miss her, and how n love with her I am as when I'm with her I feel the happiest and nothing else n life matters. I ended u texting her last saying ' I really miss hanging out man, but I'd be lying to say to not causing me problems' and she understands.

Since last night I've been an absolute mess, I'm extremely depressed about not seeing her, and then to have the other weight I've paying bills, rent, finding a secure job again just tops the anxiety right off, I'm finding it extremely hard to cope.

I know I need to just stop speaking to her again or I will forever remain n this cycle of hurt, that I've been through so many times now and is always the same outcome. It's just soo fucking hard, and thinking about it now while writing out is making me emotional, absolutely destroys me.

Think this is more a rant, there's noone n my life ATM I can really tell this all too, it feels a bit better to get it off my chest. I wish it was not like this

Thank you BL

 

[herbavore]

All I can say is that I feel for you. It is agony to be in love with someone that loves you but is not in love with you. I think you are probably right that the best thing you could do for yourself is to stop seeing her and try to move on. Maybe sometime in the future, when you are with someone else or just on more solid ground in your life you will be able to have a friendship with her.

The more important thing right now would seem to be sorting out your financial life and stabilizing your housing situation. Once you get that on an even keel it may be easier to concentrate on pursuing new interests and other things that can take your mind off of your friend.

 

[hthr007]

I'm sorry you are going through such a turbulent time. My best advice in regards to Katie is to stop seeing or speaking to her. I know it hurts and I know it will be tough, but having instances like earlier this week will obviously prove to be only more tough on you in the long run. It sounds to me like she's temporarily using you. What's going to happen once her boyfriend comes out of jail? Do you think she's still going to be around and there for you?

Would you possibly be able to move somewhere else where rent is not so expensive? I agree that getting a stable, decent paying job will be very beneficial to you so you can start paying down your loans and become a bit more financially independent/stable.

 

[floatingaround]

Thanks for the replys guys means alot.

Yeah im going to have to stop speaking to her again, and its very true she only messaged me because her boyfriend was in jail. Soon as he comes out she wont be messaging me. I dunno, I sort of looked past that initially because i had not seen her in a while and to hang out with her was extremely appealing. She also relised how it looks with her only talking to me after mike got locked up.

I need to just get the last 2 months here untill the lease ends. Rent has to be paid tomorrow and im about $200 short and i never ended up working today. My mum dosent know of my situation i try to not worry her, but it might come down to me neding to ask her for some money. I just now what shes going to think when i say im not working.

Thanks again for the responses, it makes a massive difference just getting this off my chest.

 

[theseeker]

You're under a lot of stress right now- obviously. With all the bills, the living situation, and relationship problem you've got three of the biggest stressors in life all hitting you at the same time. When I find myself in tough times such as you're experiencing, I take a step back and get a piece of paper and divide the paper into two columns: Problems on the left and Solutions on the right. You know what your problems are- of course- but you might find that you also 'know' some solutions that aren't yet in your consciousness yet. You've got to brainstorm solutions, like a jazz musician would improvise- enter the flow of your thoughts. For each problem think of as many solutions as you can off the top of your head- write them all down no matter how ridiculous they might sound. The important thing is that you get a whole bunch of stuff down on paper, you can always decide afterwards which solutions are unrealistic. You can even set a timer- like 3 minutes per problem. You'd be VERY surprised how resourceful your mind is and I guarantee there's stuff in there that will help. Trust me on this one.

I used to be 'involved' with a girl who I loved but didn't love me back. She would re-enter my life at various times (like when she wasn't with some guy she liked, etc). It was like torture, it was like going back to an addictive drug. It was destructive. You may not see it now, but your life still has all these alternative paths to take to happiness that don't involve this girl. I know this girl didn't mean me any harm (at least consciously), but getting rid of her was the best thing I ever did and I found someone who really loved me. Pure gold. You will too, though it takes a while. There's a diamond in the rough.

 

[sconnie420]

Dang dude, I really feel for you. I think everything I would suggest has already been said. I hope things turn out for the best. I can relate to the lows, although my situation is different, I feel your pain.

 

[floatingaround]

yeh i dont know how im coping to live at this time. this guy who was locked up got out today, now it feels like i got sucked in and spat right back out at the worst possibly time after losing my job. its so fucking hard to get through this, and i got dogged by my mates coming over tonight for drinks instead theyrve having a drink with this guy that got out of jail just down the road at my other mates. its fucking harsh, ive never been this depressed and sad and anxious in my life, ive been through hardcore xanax withdrawal a few times and this has easily out done it.

And now that this guy is out of jail im not going to be able to hang around my mates, or have them over as there always with this guy and girl. I just to vent, i feel if i dont make rent by friday i will hit full rock bottom and suicide is becoming very appealing, its very selfish to think this way, and the only reason thats keeping me here is my mother. if i can get a job sorted things will go up, but untill then i remain completely stressed out, depressed and anxious about everything. fuck this whole situation, its very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[floatingaround]

You're under a lot of stress right now- obviously. With all the bills, the living situation, and relationship problem you've got three of the biggest stressors in life all hitting you at the same time. When I find myself in tough times such as you're experiencing, I take a step back and get a piece of paper and divide the paper into two columns: Problems on the left and Solutions on the right. You know what your problems are- of course- but you might find that you also 'know' some solutions that aren't yet in your consciousness yet. You've got to brainstorm solutions, like a jazz musician would improvise- enter the flow of your thoughts. For each problem think of as many solutions as you can off the top of your head- write them all down no matter how ridiculous they might sound. The important thing is that you get a whole bunch of stuff down on paper, you can always decide afterwards which solutions are unrealistic. You can even set a timer- like 3 minutes per problem. You'd be VERY surprised how resourceful your mind is and I guarantee there's stuff in there that will help. Trust me on this one.

I used to be 'involved' with a girl who I loved but didn't love me back. She would re-enter my life at various times (like when she wasn't with some guy she liked, etc). It was like torture, it was like going back to an addictive drug. It was destructive. You may not see it now, but your life still has all these alternative paths to take to happiness that don't involve this girl. I know this girl didn't mean me any harm (at least consciously), but getting rid of her was the best thing I ever did and I found someone who really loved me. Pure gold. You will too, though it takes a while. There's a diamond in the rough.

thanks mate appreciate this. i will give that a go now

 

[theseeker]

thanks mate appreciate this. i will give that a go now

Remember, no matter how bleak a situation might look- there's ALWAYS something you can do. When you're feeling really low- it's really hard to get motivated to do something, but maybe concentrate on doing some easy things first. If you find yourself knocking off some things you've meant to do, it get's things rolling and you might start to feel like you can go a little more.

Your post struck a chord with me, I've been through some of the same hard times, broke as fuck and things looked bleak. I remember a period of time where I'd wake up everyday and punch my mattress and say 'I fucking hate my life'.There's times in life that just have to be endured, but if you put some work in you'll get through it. There might just be a little bit of luck coming your way that you never expected too. It always happened to me, just random shit that would get me through when I least expected it.

 

[luckyshot04]

Oh man, those girls that get you on the first time, they seem to be the hardest to let go of! Why is it if you meet a girl and immediately fall for her, she won't talk to you, you can go batshit? But if you get a relationship going over say a month and something happens shortly thereafter, it just doesn't seem as bad? Lust!

Floating, you already know what you need to do. You said it yourself. You know if you can't hold down a relationship with this girl, one with trust, love, all those things, you have to let it go. The only reason I say that is because you said the same thing. It shattered you the last time she left. You know if she does come back around, she won't stay. If you thought it could work, I know that's what you would say.

I'm sorry for your hardship with her and also that is tough about your job situation, rent, etc. I guarantee you that another girl will be there to pick your heart back up in the future. But right now, you've got to focus on the now. You're rent and other bills have to be paid with cash. You've got a job trial (I assume that's like a temp thing we have here) and you're ambitious to go to work. That's great! I've had loans out my asshole that are tough to pay back, but you can do it.

Once you get back on your feet and you will, then you work on finding a girl that compliments you. Don't settle for one that just wants to have sex with ya every now and then if you can't detatch your emotions from her. It's hard to do. Find a girl that wants to stay with you for the night and doesn't want to leave the next day. You'll know it when you find her, I promise.

Keep your head up mate, keep us posted!

Best Regards,

Lucky

 

[floatingaround]

Cheers guys.

Things have been better over the past day, Ive managed to scrape through again this week going to work for this guy in an hour and I've got work sorted for Friday aswell which will get me through this weeks rent. Still having no luck with getting a full time perm job though, but I keep trying.

I relise the best thing for me is friends and being around people as its a huge distraction and helps a lot.

Anyway, thanks again for the replays.

 

[herbavore]

hey, floatingaround, that is great to hear. This community has pulled me through quite a few bleak times (there's always someone on the planet up to talk to--). I'm glad you got some work even if it is temporary; that's nothing to sneeze at in this economy. Stay strong and feed your hope--that's the best effort you can make to influence your future.

 

[Obiez]

Sup son, I get to call you son even though you are not Luke Skywalker, but yoda would say the force is strong in this one, but fear to the dark side it leads.
Here, I'll try to make you laugh:
A kiwi, a pom, and a maco are sitting on a bench all with ailments. Suddenly god appears and says that he would cure them of their ills, so he touches the kiwi - puff cancer gone. He touches the pom kaboom he has perfect teeth, he gets to the maco and the maco stops him and says - don't fucking touch me I'm on payed disability.