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its happening AGAIN,im slowing destructing,

DrinksWithEvil

DrinksWithEvil

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Joined
Nov 25, 2009
Messages
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OCEANSIDE CRiiiP
So alittle brief history on myself. My addiction started with online video games..then i found hydrocodone, and felt like found myself for the firs time...anyways i move on to oxy,then smoking oxy,then smoking heroin,then banging oxy,then now banging heroin. for the last 3 years. ive used opiates since i was 17 im 25 now. My whole adult life is nonexistent wasted. Im still 17, i do the same things i did when i was 17. which were never finish anything i start,and just no self worth and a lack of direction.

I have been to 8 rehabs some 6 months in there. But always go kicked out or using right when i get out..to speed the story up..this last 2 years have been the worse,last year i was homeless on skidrow. Most likely the most dangerous place to be homeless. luckily i never got killed. but i got off the streets entered rehab and got kicked out for drinking then relapsed..then a family friend offered me to live with him in hollywood,and start getting into scientology,nothing else has worked so i said what the hell why not...

i was in sauna for 4 hours a day for 35 days,getting pumped full of niacin and vitamins. totally cleared me out. I litteratly saw black residue coming out of my pours. i felt greaat. i started doing the courses on self improvment and stuff like that,i was feel great living in hollywood. surrounded my really succesfull people all the time and actors.My family was proud of me (still am) i felt that i may really be done with opiates this time. But there was always this voice in my head talking about drugs,looking at ipod on benches,purses left behind etc. Started thinking like a junkie again and eventually about 4 months later. I decided to take a field trip to skidrow.and ended up coping.

it started off being a once a month thing,then once a week then everyday...but with suboxens. i ran into a girl that gave me free subs. i ended up doing the subs for like 2 months with H lapses here and there,,,,recently i was taken suboxen for a month everyday,,,so i decided i would buy two bags of H and use it to help the WDs, hahahah heroin . i ended up doing that going back and forth between the subs and H. Now i am on the H part of it. its my second full day of getting high. I make 1 balloon last me for a day, so its not a big habit. But the mind bullshit gets me.

Last night i made up my mind that this was going to be my last shot. i was determined ! then i wokeup and pawned of my roomates jacket. Its back to that point. Wherei think i can quit and want to quit when im high then in the morning i have to get high, i feel lost with no direction when i dont have any to start my engines in the morning, so i start blowing off things that i need to do i order to cop alot of lying,,,,

i just dont want to feel like this anymore, i am teetering on the edge of being homeless again, if the people im living with find out that im using again or pawning of some of there clothes. IM FUCKED, and homeless, if my parents find out im fucked. They have help me too many times now. I have no one to talk to about this cuz if i do they will give me 200 dollars and drop me off at skid row, and thats that. i need to quit for good. This is my last chance...and i want to tell them whats going on but i cant!! i want to tell them that i might need to go on mantanence but it will be such a big drama,everyone is so proud of me and think im doing good,but they dont know whats really going on.i feel guilty and ashamed i am letting it get to this again..cant wear short sleeves,have to lie about why im not hungry an sick all the time...im suprised they havent drug tested me yet. I have a deadline to find a job at the latest of the 21st. But i dont have any motivation like they think i do,because ive been sober for six months according to them.

im confused and scared and really feel bad about myself,and feel alot of dread,and i just want this to all be over..Sorry about the length, i just needed to let it out since i cant talk to ANYONE in my life about whats going....i have one little dose left for the morning,just like i said the night before...hahahahah anways......thanks

Mr. Apathetic
 
I relate a lot to your story! I'm 23 and have been going in and out of rehab since I was 18, and my life has not progressed whatsoever. I've been homeless, gotten kicked out, been issued ultimatums by my family, and been so miserable that I wanted to take my own life. Not only is addiction a terrible prison, but all of the lying and emotional backlash from being an addict is EXHAUSTING. I am sorry that you are in the situation you are, but you do have the ability to get yourself out of it. It's definitely not easy, but it is doable.

First of all, this is not your last chance. I'm not saying that to discourage you from getting sober, but it's not your last chance. I would suggest not thinking in terms of such finality, BUT if you really, really want to get better, that's awesome. Definitely seize this opportunity! It might be hard to see now, but the fact that you WANT to change is such a gift, despite how you're currently feeling.

One thing I often did in my sobriety was imagine how I'd feel once I had accomplished the things I so very much dreaded doing. Sober or not, I procrastinate and generally do not do what I need to do. The only time I'm truly motivated is when I need to get a fix, so I feel ya on that one. Anyway, I know that might sound kinda silly and juvenile, using this little tool helped me a lot.

But let's deconstruct your situation rationally! You're NOT homeless, and you still have plenty of time to meet your deadline! Instead of dwelling on the negative things that COULD happen, practice being grateful for what you presently have. As trite as that sounds, while I was reading your post, it was much easier for me to see all the positives. It's so much harder to do that when you're the one going through it, but I thought I would tell you what stuck out to me because my perspective of your current position is probably much different than yours. If I were going through the same thing, I'd be freaking out too, and then I'll explain what I'm going through to someone else, and they'll laugh and point out that I'm blowing things way out of proportion. Your situation is by no means ideal, true, but you've got a more than adequate platform to change your life. Unfortunately, sometimes the only time we find motivation is when we're backed into a corner. It sucks that things can get to where they are, but sometimes that's the only prerequisite that is sufficient enough for us to see that we have to do something.

Remember, what we do in our addictions does not define us. There will be people who don't feel the same way, of course, but it's important that you remember that. I'm not saying that you're entirely vindicated from all of the things that you've done that have hurt you and those around you; we have to take responsibility for the things we've done, even if those things were only done because of our addiction. You're feeling guilty because what you've done in your addiction is incongruous with your nature. You're clearly a good person. The fact that you recognize your mistakes and feel remorseful is evidence of that.

Only you can decided whether or not being honest with your family right now is ultimately in your best interest. I highly suggest finding a detox center so you don't kick by yourself, as that can be very dangerous. Find support groups in your area. There are many programs, some of which are non-profit or public services, that are either free or inexpensive that can offer counseling and help in your transition. I know Salvation Army has a treatment program that has a payment scale based on your income from the job you get after you detox and get your initial treatment. Hypothetically, even if you do end up back on the streets, you don't have to go to Skid Row. There are options. Here's the link to SA's treatment program: http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www_usn_2.nsf/0/8326D9D2FE6B4C05802573250030A6E1?Opendocument

You CAN do this. Give yourself a shot, cause you deserve it. You'll need some serious focus and determination, but that doesn't mean you have to take yourself too seriously. Best wishes to you!
 
Thanks for the reply. The sad thing is,if i read your reply in the morning i wouldnt even have the motivation to reply to it because i would be sober. Being high now i barely care,but care enough. My withdrawls will be minimal at worst. i j ust need to get through the habit of it. needing it for bed and to wake up..i just got so much important things coming and and things that need to be done but i dont have any drive or motivation, only when im high i do...so part of me thinks i should get high until these things blow over, and now i have hep c also which i might have to start treatment for soon.

I have been to 2 salvation army ARCs. Adult rehab Centers. They are great programs and free.But i dont want to have to waste another six months of my life in another rehab. I just need to bite the bullet and stop being a pussy i guess
 
Also is it possible to negate the suboxen withdrawls with heroin use? that was my plan to use H for 2-3 to get through the mild suboxen WDs. Or am i just delaying the inevitable?
 
I'm probably not qualified to answer that, but I would think weening yourself off Suboxen would be a lot better than going back to heroin. Are you able to function on Suboxen?
 
DrinksWithEvil said:
Also is it possible to negate the suboxen withdrawls with heroin use? that was my plan to use H for 2-3 to get through the mild suboxen WDs. Or am i just delaying the inevitable?
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I might get a warning from the mods, but I'd go from H, to subs.. titrate, then switch to low doses of kratom (or tramadol I guess), then just deal with a day or so of mild withdrawals. The best though would probably be more akin to talking to a doctor, getting on beta-blockers to slow your heart down, pop some immodium, and run and sweat your ass off and deal with the withdrawals. No pain no gain.

What's the worst thing that will happen if you tell your family the truth? I'd imagine it feels worse having them all think you're clean when you're actually at your worst.

Also, I'd just flush the last of your dope right now.

Good luck man.
 
DrinksWithEvil said:
Also is it possible to negate the suboxen withdrawls with heroin use? that was my plan to use H for 2-3 to get through the mild suboxen WDs. Or am i just delaying the inevitable?
Click to expand...

I personally don't think it's a good plan, it will probably just set you back and won't gain you much in the end....Can you just go to a detox?...I think a 7 day methadone taper with comfort meds works pretty good..

You're teetering on the edge bro, I've been there....Once you lose your place to live and desperation sets in, anything's possible! You're in the danger zone and some kind of maintenance for awhile might help....I wouldn't tell just anyone to do that, but you could be headed for rough waters!
 
My parents think that sub/done is just an excuse to get high. its really is too. i just want to be dne with it all!!....i did a quik sub taper and been using H for the last two days to help the remaining WDs,then i got some benzos then im home free hahahaahah...if it was only that easy..
 
i wasnt, my roomates have been trying to get me ajob and then did...and expect me to go into work tomorrow ....cuz everyone thinks ive been sober for the past 6 months
 
^That doesn't sound like an option, he'll probably get kicked out....Are you at a sober house DWE? Find more suboxone, start work and try to taper slow and time the end for when you have 3 days off...or stay on it longer
 
not a sober house but they woudlbt let me stay for sure

my h habit is pretty much a bag a day for 3 days but is the month sub habit im worried about
 
The sub detox shouldn't be too bad. I can't imagine starting a new job in that condition though. I'd fess up to your family before saying anything to your room mates.

I honestly never thought sub withdrawals were that bad, especially if you take something for sleep

Staying hydrated and getting in exercise help the most for me.
 
I'm sorry you're having to go through this - but you've done it before, you've gotten clean before, and I've no doubt you've got it in you to do it again. I can only imagine trying to quit the heroin habit I've got right now, and I'm not nearly as far down the line as you are. But what you need to remember is no one is standing in the path of your recovery except you - you're in control of what you do and you're in control of this addiction as well. I don't agree with the whole NA stuff about surrendering yourself to your addiction etc etc. It's incredibly, incredibly difficult but you've still got the power over this and you need to find a way to summon the strength to just get it over with once and for all.
Speaking of NA, have you tried meetings? They weren't for me but I know they do wonders for lots of recovering addicts.

Regarding the subs, maybe you could actually see them as an opportunity to maintain yourself and taper off progressively. Little steps - maybe try to use predominantly subs over H for now, and then ween off progressively. You sound like you really, really want to get clean and that with all the consequences if you continue to use really make me feel like you've entirely got it in you to do it.
 
DexterMeth said:
How long do you think the detox will take this time? I have no idea what your tolerance and metabolism is like.

I think you're going to have to fess up man.
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Yes I agree with DexterMeth I think at this point you just need to talk to them and let them know you slipped up. I don't see a way around it. It seems like they are trying to help you so they seriously care about you, they even went out and got you a job. Letting them know you slipped and need help. They may respect you more for coming to them in advance than finding out later and eventually it will be found it. I know you said you been to rehab 8 times if you are serious about getting clean try it again and again if you need too . None of us are perfect and addiction is hard sometimes we slip, but what can you do but start over again. Keep Fighting! XoxoMaryJane
 
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