Hey! Happy New Years! Sorry yours didn't start out on such a stellar note, but it doesn't have set the precedent for this year if you don't want it to.
I didn't have a slip-up because I wasn't technically in a program or making any effort to get sober, but I knew I was gonna bring in the New Year with bang and then *maybe*
consider abstaining from drugs and alcohol. I've been in and out of sobriety for 5 years. I know I have a problem. I am not the person I want to be when I am drinking and using. Wasn't wholly decided or particularly enthused about sobriety, which means I was basically only telling myself I'd reevaluate my alcohol and drug use so I'd feel less guilty about having my "last big blowout". Haha, over the years I can't tell you how many times I've totally had my supposed last drink or drug. Addictions are very insidious and use very subtle tactics to lure you back into them, so I'm not sure if you're in a program or have a support network for accountability with your sobriety, but it can be a very valuable and fulfilling resource if utilized! It took me well over a year from when I first sought help to be able to get anything over 65 days of continuous sobriety under my belt, and I very rarely would even get to 30 without relapsing.
Based on what you've shared in your post, it doesn't sound like you want to continue drinking or using, even substances that aren't your DOC. That's awesome! You're way ahead of the game. I was so apathetic initially that I didn't really feel remorseful about not only breaking my sobriety, but putting forth almost no effort that might help me in recovery. My dad was paying for me to stay in a very expensive treatment center after
I turned to him for help, and I was treating it like vacation. In retrospect, I wasn't doing it to hurt anyone of course, but I was so scared. I was young and immobilized by fear and insecurities that I didn't have the fortitude or tenacity to want to change.
Anyway, I feel like I'm being self-indulgent with so many ramblings about my experience, haha. It happened, and there's no use in beating yourself up about it. Would you blame and criticize another fellow person in recovery for slipping up? Why would judging yourself be anymore beneficial? You can call it a mistake or slip-up, but I prefer to simply look at things in terms of cause and effect. If attach a negative connotation and implicit judgement to something I consider to have been wrong, I have a tendency to internalize that shame. Allow you to forgive really forgive yourself. This is not something that has come easily for me, but the more I practice self-forgiveness, I am much better at genuinely forgiving others.
It's very admirable that you were able to get 30 days! I would encourage you to fixate less on the duration of your sobriety and focus more on the
state of your sobriety. This process of checking-in with yourself and truly gauging, as honestly as you possibly can, whether or not your behavior and perceptions are serving your goal of living a happy, fulfilling life is also the function of the tenth step if you are in AA or NA.
Glad to see that you felt compelled to reach out! Remember, be compassionate with yourself. I love the saying, "Expect excellence, not perfection." Sort of along the lines of the lines of the commonly used "Progress, not perfection" phrase in 12-step programs. My personal best can vary significantly. Sometimes the best I can be in that moment doesn't match the golden ideal or the almost inhuman expectations I have of myself. Just because you are "new" to sobriety doesn't mean that you're reaching for something far off in the distance. Sobriety is not some elusive goal that sits on the horizon. If you're sober in that moment, then you are sober. You are abstaining from indulging the whims of an addiction that you no longer want for yourself. Nobody can take that away from you except for you (your own mind). I've had so many people who have helped in ways that I will probably never be able to fully appreciate, and I just wanna again encourage you to find and surround yourself with as many people as you can with whom you truly connect and who are encouraging, loving, and helpful.
I don't have all the answers, and I'm not always right about things. I'm here though if you ever wanna PM me or anything. I am turning a new leaf with recovery once more, so hey, even though I made a point to not base your recovery in units of time, it is cool that we currently have the same sobriety date.
for a loooong time, if ever again.