I'm scared.

[The Golden Opiate]

Background information first. I've used opiates for 6 years now. Up until about 6 months ago it was a fairly off and on thing. There was a period of time where I would use 30-90mg of hydrocodone every other day, and after about a month after that I stopped and got pretty sick for about two days with stomach bleeding (too much acetaminophen?) other than that I would only use whatever painkiller pill I could get my hands on, which was fairly rare because in the small town I live in, it's hard to find them. At this point I left this town to hook up with an amazing young woman, a pivotal point in my life. This girl is literally a miracle to me, we've had this "perfect relationship", we don't have power struggles and we see eye to eye on most things. Just one thing though, she was worried about the idea of me taking pills, which I totally understood. She had a history with taking pills for medical reasons and she loves to smoke pot, just getting high off of pills was concerning to her. I assured her that this wasn't going to be a problem and I meant it at the time...

two years ago i brought her back to this miserable town, and in about a year I found out that my dealer's relative had methadone for long term chronic pain, and he was selling what he didn't need. Needless to say, my eyes glazed over and I got really excited about the idea of me having a consistent and reliable source for painkillers. One day I found an excuse to get them, the girl I brought back home with was having back pain and trouble sleeping, and I told her methadone would definitely help, I offered to buy some and we both had some... and she enjoyed the high. This is where I fucked up. I dragged an absolute sweetheart that just wanted to get a little stoned every now and then and stay away from harder drugs, into the beginning of a disgusting addiction.

At first we only used about 10-15 mgs of Methadone once, maybe twice a month. But then I found a job, which made me having not enough money to get more, no longer an issue. So for 3 months we used 10-15 mgs once or twice a month, then I got a better job at Walmart. My pay was pretty much doubled working here, so naturally we started buying more Methadone, so we started taking more methadone more often, 15-30 mgs once or twice a week. This proceeded for 6 months. (I am guesstimating a bit but this length of time should be very close)

I've noticed that after about 4 days without methadone, I get a little restless and get upset over nothing, but hope its all in my head. well recently we went to Phoenix to see family. No methadone for us for about 5 days, she was restless and I was crying alot more than normal, and had no motivation to do anything, I never cry. but that was about it. We both wanted more methadone.

Well about a couple of weeks ago we cut the Phoenix trip short so we could come back home and get more methadone. We got about 50 mgs and split that, we took 20 mg then and 5 mg the next day. After this, our dealer had only one extra which i got about 5-6 days ago, and around that time we managed to get a bunch of hydrocodone. Well yesterday I woke up feeling fine, and later on I felt hot and cold (feverish) and had nasty body aches and was restless and slightly depressed, I had to leave work early because I couldn't handle it. My fiancée told me she was very restless and had great difficulty falling asleep, she broke into tears. We both took diphenhydramine to help with the insomnia, I got a few hours of sleep here and there and she got little. Today was worse, I felt dizzy, exhausted, very hot and sweaty, achy, diarrhea... but little to no nausea, no vomiting. She was more restless, puking every 5-10 minutes, having diarrhea.

We got some more methadone, we both took 5 mg each and about an hour or so later we took another 10 mg each. Now about 6 hours later methadone fully kicked in I feel a little bit better, I still feel a bit achy and hot but I feel like I can function better than I could earlier, I had a strong glow too. She says her only symptom now is nausea. I'm hoping that this is not withdrawal...

Guys I'm scared. I didn't realize methadone's half life would make addiction and dependency such a big deal, but the most painful thing of all, is I dragged the love of my life, the person that I love more than anything, an absolute sweetheart who never deserved anything like this, I dragged her into this crap, she had no idea what to expect, and I did, I just though that spacing out our methadone doses would keep us away from dependency.

I'm being optimistic and hoping that these aren't withdrawals and we are just sick at the same time. That's partially why I am here right now. We are at a very critical point in our lives as we're making plans to move out to the Midwest in a few months, and I'm learning to grow up and hold a job, but how the hell am I supposed to juggle all of this with a methadone addiction??? What am I supposed to do??? We want to quit but... withdrawal and work??? I need this job, I can't just take time off. and we have no connects out in Missouri, we'll also be screwed on health insurance.

I blame myself for dragging my incredible fiancée into this terrible predicament. I have no clue what to do, in the mean time I'm holding us off with more methadone but I can't keep this up forever. Help please!

 

[michael]

man, the way you are blaming yourself for your girl's use is just your addiction talking to you. when you think and feel the shame of this responsibility (which is not yours - is she not an adult who made her own decisions, too?) the connection your brain makes is 'hey, let's use so that we do not feel that way'.

how to break the addiction? quit. either figure out a way to do a taper or go through the cold turkey. there is plenty of advice in these forums on dealing with opiate withdrawl.

you're at a crossroads. either you quit or it will likely just get worse. it's up to the two of you to make the decision.

 

[cj]

That sounds like withdrawl. Quit now because it will only get worse. Sounds cliche but trust me I haved lived it for the last 5 years. If I could go back to when I was first getting addicted I could have stopped this with minimal discomfort before my brain fully rewired itself. But anyway you both will be in for a rough few weeks eat some loperamide smoke some weed pop some benzos whatever you gotta do to quit.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Sounds like withdrawals. Methadone is more addictive than most other opiates.

You have to be very careful to taper off of it correctly.

Whatever you do, do not increase your dosage. Gradually decrease it so when you stop taking it, there will be a milder withdrawal than stopping at what you are already accustomed to.

 

[Rock$Off]

If you're being honest, and I assume you are, the time to stop is now. The drugs have a psychological stranglehold on you as well as physical dependence. I remember the first time I got high, I knew it was for me, and thought about them nearly everyday even though I didn't seek them out (that came later)...The time to stop is now before you lose your job and your chick and I think everyone here would agree that it will only get worse. If you live in the US most states have a treatment program that the state will pay for...going away for a month would do you some good to get your head straight.

 

[majicBLUE]

man, the way you are blaming yourself for your girl's use is just your addiction talking to you. when you think and feel the shame of this responsibility (which is not yours - is she not an adult who made her own decisions, too?) the connection your brain makes is 'hey, let's use so that we do not feel that way'.

how to break the addiction? quit. either figure out a way to do a taper or go through the cold turkey. there is plenty of advice in these forums on dealing with opiate withdrawl.

you're at a crossroads. either you quit or it will likely just get worse. it's up to the two of you to make the decision.

Man, I was thinking this EXACT same thing. I know when I was in a relationship where both parties used drugs (and I was her once, not taking anything, I only smoked a little weed and my girlfriend introduced me to pills) no one forced me to take them. I want to take them, I didn't take em to fit in, or bond with my partner, although those were good effects, I wanted to get high. Methadone is one of the worst drugs to detox from, i've detoxed from Heroin/Oxycontin and Methadone and I'd rather do a Heroin detox TWICE than deal with Methadone again. Took me a little over 2 months for the muscle aches n shit to be completely gone.

 

[MarkRenton]

Definitely withdrawal symptoms. Stop using ASAP.

 

[Ligaturd]

Man, Methadone withdrawals are terrible...mostly due to the length of them which is directly linked to the long half-life of methadone. I would suggest switching to short acting opioids like the Hydrocodone for a couple weeks and then tapering off slowly, only use enough to keep you well for the two weeks and taper off slowly, I know that it will feel next to impossible to keep the dosage low and not get high off of it but it's for the best. You should be able to make the withdrawal almost painless this way and I would also suggest moving back away from that town to remove the temptation to get high and also not looking for drugs wherever you move to.

To aid with the withdrawals and the Post acute withdrawal syndrome you will need lots of cardio exercise, lots of protein powder supplementation (protein and amino acids are the building blocks for the endogenous creation of neurotransmitters such as dopamine), L-Tyrosine is also a precursor to Dopamine and Nor-Epinephrine which will help give you motivation and give you a small Dopamine boost to help a bit with the lingering withdrawal effects.

All of the things that I mentioned to supplement with will help with the healing process as your brain struggles to start making Dopamine on it's own at normal levels, withdrawal is caused by your brain/body not being able to function normally because you have effectively severely retarded your brains ability to function normally, your dopamine receptors have down regulated themselves to try to maintain a state of homeostasis by stopping the endogenous production of dopamine in response to the massive increases that you have caused by using Opioids.

Shit will get better, I have been through this a few times. It takes alot of patience and self control which is something us opioid users tend to lack but removing yourself from your source and utilizing the methods above will help tremendously. Good Luck to the both of you.

 

[The Golden Opiate]

Guys, thanks for the replies, and thanks Captain Heroin for responding to my pm. I know this is your ordinary bluelight thread about withdrawals. I was a bluelighter before and I've seen all sorts of crazy stuff on these forums.

I cannot quit cold turkey, or I will lose my job 100% guaranteed.

I do want to emphasize that when I took the 15 mg of methadone yesterday, 4-6 hours after the effects took over, the feverish feelings and body aches seemed to only increase, mixed with the glow. I'm confused about this... if this is withdrawal I was experiencing, wouldn't those symptoms be fading rather than growing in intensity? Or am I just ignorant of the brain chemistry of it all? Anyways I took a tylenol before I went to bed and when I woke up today I felt basically hungover-high on methadone, with no aches or fever and just opiate induced nausea. I know I'm addicted, I love opiates... I used to be a heavy stoner, I smoked a lot of meth, and about 3 years ago I quit cold turkey and never looked back, but opiates I have a problem with. Maybe I'm still in denial about physical dependence... that's what I want to know from you guys. When you had methadone withdrawals, how long after the effects kicked in did it take for your symptoms to go away??? I fear this might turn into a debate because that's my nature and I'm very particular about details. But all in all, I'm really hoping we both caught a nasty flu at the same time. I would gladly give up methadone right away, cold turkey, if I knew that I could get away with it without withdrawals. I know it seems like I'm talking myself in circles, saying I love opiates, and also saying that I would quit immediately if withdrawals could be avoided. Don't even pretend to be able to psychoanalyze me. The focus of this thread, is to better understand the situation we are in, not to better understand my mind set... by having a more clear understanding of this situation I'm in, I can plan ahead the most efficient method of getting the hell away from all of this.

For those of you that believe that I shouldn't be blaming myself for dragging my fiancee' into this... she looks up to me as her leader. I'm a very strong influence in her life, more so than I would like to be. If I were to jump off of a cliff, I can't really say she wouldn't do the same. THIS, is why I blame myself, because I am a role model, and not a very good one in the case of opioid use. I despise myself for this. Also, this doesn't lead to cause-effect mental linkage of, "well I feel bad for dragging my love into this, so I'm going to get high to cope." Simple people think this way, but I think of it as another reason to change our path in life.

Anyways, per Captain Heroin's advice, we will take no more than 15 mg in a three day period. If we are to taper, that's our highest dose, as we both feel fine at the moment, but I still need more clarity on whether or not this is truly withdrawal. We will wait another 3-5 days with no methadone to see if any flu like symptoms come back, if they don't we'll quit, and if they do, we know we're going to need to come up with a plan. But it will need to be a plan that allows us to make our move back to Missouri, be able to function at work, and to make sure my sweetheart is as safe and comfortable as possible. Thanks everyone for your input and support, regardless of whether I agree with it, or not, I do appreciate it. Thanks again, I await more responses.

 

[BlueHues]

^I met my girlfriend 5 years ago and dragged her back to my hometown....She was 19 and I was 10 years older...I started using heroin, she found out I was using, insisted I give her some, and that turned into 4 years of absolutely horrible addiction....And this girl was completely dependent on me for everything...

So, if you feel like the "world's biggest piece of shit" for introducing your girl to methadone...Don't worry, somebody ALREADY has that title!

You guys aren't that deep...Find a way to stop and live your lives before its too late!

 

[Ligaturd]

Just do a good taper, and use some of the methods that I mentioned and move out of there. It's simple but it seems like a daunting task right now, It will seem quite overwhelming when you are in the thick of it but getting over the thoughts that exacerbate the anxiety that you are going through so that you can more clearly see your goal will help tremendously. The worst part of the withdrawal for me was the boredom and the self defeating thoughts but exercise and lots of protein and a good diet while in the taper period and also after the taper/physical withdrawal are key to quitting, to achieving a healthier state of mind to give you more strength to quit and stay quit.

 

[The Golden Opiate]

Short acting opiates are very difficult to come by here. Can anyone else confirm this method of switching from methadone to a shorter half life opiate for tapering and detox??? This is the first time I've heard of this. I wouldn't dare try something like that with benzodiazepines.

 

[Sepher]

You are experiencing withdrawal, almost certainly, yes. Problem with methadone is that it has such a long half-life that it is very possible to just use once every few days maintaining just high enough levels of methadone in your system for a habit to develop, just as you've found. And again because of the half-life it could take a few days for you to feel the withdrawal kick in. Might also be a factor in your recent dose not taking you fully out of withdrawal. Methadone daily dosed builds up in the system reaching steady state 4 or 5 days in. Little runs of daily dosing could raise your tolerance enough that it's not till the second dose taken day 2 kicks in that you come fully out of withdrawal. More likely with you waking up OK this morning is that it just took a while for the meth to reach peak levels in your system sufficient to bring you out of withdrawal. Good news is at this stage I doubt you have much of a habit. The withdrawal symptoms you're experiencing now are unpleasant enough I'm sure but in the grand scheme of things they seem very mild, your methadone doses are low. They'll sure get a lot worse than that if you continue using, and fast, trust me, so quit while you're ahead.

Short-acting opiates could be better than a long-acting opiate like methadone as far as trying to come off goes, yes. Maintain / stay just out of full withdrawal with the opiate you're switching to till the methadone is out of your system and no longer a factor then quit CT or rapid taper over just a handful of days off the opiate switched to and it's likely that your detox will be shorter and more comfortable. Opiates that produce a fast up and down with an intense peak, heroin just for example, would generally produce more intense withdrawal symptoms but recovery is faster, fast-metabolising opiates that produce a less intense high like OTC codeine phosphate would be ideal for a low dose habit like this. I dunno you need to switch to another opiate at all though. Try Loperamide and see where that gets you. By the sound of it you've not let the withdrawal progress far enough yet to really have much of a handle on how bad it's gonna be. It could be quite fast and relatively painless with some decent meds to help. Lots of threads giving advice on suitable OTC detox meds on here if you search for them.