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Heroin Forever

I want to be high on heroin because it makes me perform in bed. It makes me great around people. It makes me sleep like a baby. It makes me not feel sick when i have a cold. It makes me not depressed about the dullness of the world. I'm naturally a nihilist, and heroin makes me feel like life is worth living. It makes me WANT to achieve great things. It MOTIVATES me to do things to better myself. I don't just get high and sleep all day. I get high and go about my day like superman. I love it.

But because it costs so much money, it ruins my life. If food cost $100 dollars every time you ate, guess what, you would be robbing and stealing to survive too.

If dope was prescribed, life would be fine.
 
I understand how you feel. I have a recent thread in this section that you can read if you'd like. I'll sum it up for you. I started taking opiates for restless leg syndrome and some of the same emotional issues as you did. I got addicted and built up a tolerance so it became pretty expensive, but a certain combination of opiates made me feel ok. I wont mention them here because I spoke of them already in more detail in my own thread and I dont want to come across as glorifying opiates or making any triggering statments.
Anyway...my supply ran out or almost ran out and I went back into the hell of WD so I got on suboxnone maintenance this past week. Physically I'm much better but mentally/emotionally its definitely a crapshoot and sometimes
I wish I could again just be given the same opiates at the same amounts that made me feel the most stable. I think that it would be great if I can get them regularly with out worrying about them running out or becoming prohibitively expensive. But like you, I know its a pipe dream, so I'm determined to try and get my brain chemistry as "normal" as I can. That's my actual wish. That I had a normal brain, that just felt normal most of the time.

Since having all the heroin you want is almost definitely not going to happen, instead of working yourself into a funk, which is going to make your anxiety worse. Try to imagine yourself as having a chronic illness. Maybe you'll never be the same as everyone else, but if you manage it with the treatments that are available, you can live a decent life. I think we both can.

Good luck to you man....Sorry I can't come up with the perfect solution, but hopefully it helps knowing that some of us know how you feel and can relate.
 
they dont prescribe heroin for addicts because it's not leagal to do so. It is leagal to prescribe methadone though, in which is pretty strong.
My advice would be to get another doc and get on a methadone program.
you're pretty young though, and i think you should try and figure out why you're using heroin everyday. and you should try to find a way to fight the urges that you're getting. maybe raise the suboxone dose?


thuglife111 said:
Hi everyone, I'm a 22 yr old male and a recovering oxycodone & heroin addict and I am on Suboxone and Gabapentin (Neurontin) and Hydroxyzine (Vistaril) for anxiety. My doctor won't prescribe me Xanax which I think would help enormously with the bone-crushing anxiety heroin left me with, and not to mention I had bad anxiety my whole life, which is what led me to the heroin in the first place, to find anxiety relief. It was a god-send in my eyes. I finally got to feel how I always wanted to feel my entire life. Anxiety-free, less worries, calmness, and relaxation. I love how opiates make me feel because they are a legitimate relief for me.
Anyways, I'm so annoyed at my doc for not prescribing what I know will help me... Xanax. Yet, he says he will NEVER prescribe me that. I know why. I know that in the end it will make my anxiety worse without it. But i honestly feel as though I need to have anxiety relief forever. And that i should just take the Xanax forever. Who cares!? It's MY body and mind! If I need anxiety relief after a full blown heroin habit, I should be able to get it!
Instead he gave me shitty Gabapentin and Hydroxyzine... which barely do anything... if anything at all. I want a NOTICEABLE change in my mood... I am also severely depressed and although I have a job, It is all meaningless in my eyes. Heroin was the only thing that made life worth living.
So my question is, why isn't it allowed to prescribe heroin for heroin addicts? Like, if they just monitored it like they do the suboxone, my life would be perfect. If they just gave me the same dose over-time and monitored it properly, I could have the ultimate relief I've always wanted. Tolerance would rise, yes, but it does with suboxone as well... that's what i'm saying, they could adjust it every time and properly administer it so i couldn't abuse or do too much. Eventually they would taper me off so my tolerance could go down, then start it up again . Why not? It's the same thing as using suboxone for any amount of time.

My brain is already fucked up from the drugs. It's going to take so long and such a battle to overcome this... it's almost not worth it. I NEED to have anxiety relief... no one understands. I need opiates to keep me sane!! Or Xanax! I can't just live like this... i need something in me! I feel like there is a void in my heart that only heroin filled. And the suboxone isn't enough... neither is the shitty meds he gave me. I need better relief... why is that such an issue?
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op, ive been where you are. I lived through it. I wrote a suicide thread. I went to jail, I stole, I lied, been to treatment, pawned off my belongings, lost a full ride scholarship, got debts, and I'm on drug court til march. you have a lot of these "if" situations. you need to accept reality cuz these "ifs" simply aren't. you're not gonna get scripted diamorphine, you're not gonna live an enjoyable life using (you don't even iv yet so you haven't even gotten to see how bad things can get), you're not gonna be satisfied. the point being is that life is indeed mundane for the most part, things don't go our way, we gotta work to get money to enjoy ourselves, and basically its illegal to be a drug addict for the most part. a bottle of roxis a month would do nothing for me along with the rest of us junkies. get real. face your reality. after all this is real life not the drug induced haze. its pretty much get clean or die. you're choice. and saying "you're not gonna overdose" is both ignorant and outright stupid. ill look for your "bluelight shrine" thread if you wanna continue to use. or the "help I'm going to jail" thread. and yes I am being callous and cold but that's just the truth. goodluck. I think all the advice that could be given has been said already.

PS~ I'm almost 22, been clean for almost a year, and have over 30 "fallouts". all accidental without benzos or other downers in my body.
 
^Good for you man....people used to warn me "You're gonna wake one day and be 35 and still be a drug addict!"

I laughed it off, I had years to burn....but shit, it happened! It's not like I'm dead yet, but if you think there's a bad stigma to using drugs when you're in your 20s, just wait until your 30! I mean, Ive done things in my life, I've had a little bit of money here and there, but i really don't have much to show for it except for a whole lot of years I can barely remember...

After awhile, with opiates, life becomes just one long continuous daydream...or "day-nightmare"!
 
Vysteril/hydroxyzine was a godsend for me, it took care of most withdrawal symptoms and chilled me out a bit. I've had nasty nasty anxiety long as I can remember too. You do not want to fuck with benzos, Xanax especially. It's basically the same principle as heroin, sure it stops anxiety, but you can't stay high forever. You'd have to keep upping dosage to get the same relief. And you cannot be on this stuff for potentially the last 40-60 years of your life, I mean think about it, some day you will have to quit, and when that day comes you will forever wish you had never started. Long term use means long term withdrawals.

I totally get it, they took away our only chance at relief and don't really give a fuck if we suffer inside. But honestly man I personally would rather start shooting dope again than get into benzos after seeing those people in detox, delirious, seizures, almost dying, unable to hold a cup of water for months after quitting.... It's an ugly ugly road

Exercise is the greatest natural opiate high, I swear to god, it's on par with maybe 5mg oxycodone with real low tolerance, subtle but beautiful. Try other non benzo meds, get a sleep pill like seroquel or trazadone, go to meetings, and make sure to jack off every once in a while. Every day is better than the last when it comes to leaving PAWS behind

Every time you take a physically addictive drug it's like taking out a loan, you can find ways to prolong it and spread it out, but eventually you're going to have to pay back every single cent
 
RedRum OG said:
Vysteril/hydroxyzine was a godsend for me, it took care of most withdrawal symptoms and chilled me out a bit. I've had nasty nasty anxiety long as I can remember too. You do not want to fuck with benzos, Xanax especially. It's basically the same principle as heroin, sure it stops anxiety, but you can't stay high forever. You'd have to keep upping dosage to get the same relief. And you cannot be on this stuff for potentially the last 40-60 years of your life, I mean think about it, some day you will have to quit, and when that day comes you will forever wish you had never started. Long term use means long term withdrawals.

I totally get it, they took away our only chance at relief and don't really give a fuck if we suffer inside. But honestly man I personally would rather start shooting dope again than get into benzos after seeing those people in detox, delirious, seizures, almost dying, unable to hold a cup of water for months after quitting.... It's an ugly ugly road

Exercise is the greatest natural opiate high, I swear to god, it's on par with maybe 5mg oxycodone with real low tolerance, subtle but beautiful. Try other non benzo meds, get a sleep pill like seroquel or trazadone, go to meetings, and make sure to jack off every once in a while. Every day is better than the last when it comes to leaving PAWS behind

Every time you take a physically addictive drug it's like taking out a loan, you can find ways to prolong it and spread it out, but eventually you're going to have to pay back every single cent
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Omg. beating off is the ultimate medicine. look into "edging" to make things interesting. I'm gonna go edge now as a matter of fact XD
 
Idk guys. I know some doctors that'll give me whatever i want. I have permanent pain in my shoulder from an accident. So i mean i could get a script every month for some oxys. And if i got that every month i wouldn't have to buy heroin off the street! Which probably wouldn't have landed me in this position in the first place. I woulda just had my legal opiates and i woulda been fine. Life is def not fair.... at all!. One day im going to re-unite with the only thing that truly satisfies me. One way or another. And it's gonna be through a doctor because i need it forever for cheap.
 
thuglife111 said:
Idk guys. I know some doctors that'll give me whatever i want. I have permanent pain in my shoulder from an accident. So i mean i could get a script every month for some oxys. And if i got that every month i wouldn't have to buy heroin off the street! Which probably wouldn't have landed me in this position in the first place. I woulda just had my legal opiates and i woulda been fine. Life is def not fair.... at all!. One day im going to re-unite with the only thing that truly satisfies me. One way or another. And it's gonna be through a doctor because i need it forever for cheap.
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your tolerance would go up. also once you do decide to mainline because of tolerance you're gonna be pissed there's no rush from oxy. just deal with it man. /end thread op is stuck in his junkie ways.
 
Yeah it's a nasty revelation but I don't see thug nasty coming to terms with anything, doesn't mean I don't hope that he does realize what he's doing

@ OP- good luck having the oxy script and keeping your tolerance low. I can see you running out less then halfway through which leads to w/d then doing the same thing again next month. It's a vicious cycle, good luck tho
 
crimsonjunk said:
Thats not really fair. OP is trying to come to terms with just how fucked he is. Its a nasty revalation when you realize the only thing to ever make you feel like a normal person is destroying your life.
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we'be been telling him how bad of an idea all this is through the entire thread yet he just justifies and glorified the lifestyle. I wish him the best of luck but I know I'm not the only one here who has been down the same road and wish I took the advice given such in my "can I still chip" thread. I'm not giving up on him, im just giving up on trying to feed a closed mouth if you follow my mindset.
 
i understand guys. I just feel like there is this void in my soul. It's so painful and exhausting.

Why do i have to lie to myself and FORCE myself to be happy without it? I'm never going to truly be happy then. I know what truly made me happy. And having to battle this day in and day out makes me want to kill myself.

"Just get over it" isn't going to cut it. And if my script ran out, whatever i'd just go to a diff doctor and get more. It's not fair that i have to be like this forever.

I think i'm going to kill myself actually. If i can't be happy then forget it. Thanks for all your help guys. I'll let u know my progress if i don't end it soon.
 
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thuglife111 said:
i understand guys. I just feel like there is this void in my soul. It's so painful and exhausting
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now it looks like we're getting somewhere :D indeed it is painful and exhausting. it will only get worse. my course of action that worked (is working) for me was inpatient treatment, long term outpatient treatment, after care/continued care treatment, and support groups. I'm not advocating to stop all drug usage (though I've noticed those of us who enjoy opis really only like opis). though for me I had to stop all substance usage. I know dealers who moved kilos of raw heroin on a personal basis here in the st Louis area who could use as much as they want as often as they want (and boy did they). but eventually they all got tired of it. yeah it took some years, but it was just prolonging the inevitable.
 
so it's gonna take years. i get to feel depressed and anxious for years until it finally goes away? And even then it's not gonna fully go away!? And it's gonna take rigorous treatments and bullshit and money for years on end!? I can't even bear the thought. The only thing that ever gave me comfort during withdrawal was knowing that one day I'll be able to sniff some dope again and be fine. But now, it's like i'm being told to never eat food ever again.

I don't want to fight this everyday of my life until i die. Having kids and a family, that all seems so distant. A good, meaningful, purposeful job, a wife who loves me, and children would probably be the only way out of this. But that is so far away. And i have to battle the normal obstacles of life WHILE fighting a heroin addiction every single second of my existence. I'm supposed to set goals and achieve them like a normal person while i'm craving the only thing i know that will give me the relief i always looked for in life.

And once i achieve all my goals, then i'm naturally going to just want more. And i know people who after 15 years of being clean decided they were gonna shoot up again.. That shit scares the hell outta me!! So if i feel like it's always going to be a demon in my soul and mind, then why not just give in and get pain meds forever? Which is again the point of this thread.

Being a heroin dealer, u gotta live a certain type of lifestyle... but if i just got like 200 roxis a month, i wouldn't have to do shady shit and live a certain way. I could live a perfectly normal life and be happy like i always wanted.

I guess i'm still trying to come to grips with this new reality... goddamn it's hard
 
The early days of getting high were the best because there was no guilt associated with doing the drug. It was just pure fun and no guilt cuz i didn't hurt anyone or myself yet.

But i feel like once i ran outta money, shit hit the fan quick. It was the money not the drugs. If i was able to save all my money while getting free pills from the doc, i think i would live a good life. And i think i'm going to make that my life's quest. One of my goals in life, to get opiates prescribed forever for my pain from various doctors around america.

Or even better, be the pioneer of widespread and accepted Opiate Therapy for people like me. I'm gonna become a doctor and prescribe myself everything i want lmfao! Then i'll start the Opiate Therapy research and begin a program for ppl like me haha
 
thuglife111 said:
so it's gonna take years. i get to feel depressed and anxious for years until it finally goes away? And even then it's not gonna fully go away!? And it's gonna take rigorous treatments and bullshit and money for years on end!? I can't even bear the thought. The only thing that ever gave me comfort during withdrawal was knowing that one day I'll be able to sniff some dope again and be fine. But now, it's like i'm being told to never eat food ever again.

I don't want to fight this everyday of my life until i die. Having kids and a family, that all seems so distant. A good, meaningful, purposeful job, a wife who loves me, and children would probably be the only way out of this. But that is so far away. And i have to battle the normal obstacles of life WHILE fighting a heroin addiction every single second of my existence. I'm supposed to set goals and achieve them like a normal person while i'm craving the only thing i know that will give me the relief i always looked for in life.

And once i achieve all my goals, then i'm naturally going to just want more. And i know people who after 15 years of being clean decided they were gonna shoot up again.. That shit scares the hell outta me!! So if i feel like it's always going to be a demon in my soul and mind, then why not just give in and get pain meds forever? Which is again the point of this thread.

Being a heroin dealer, u gotta live a certain type of lifestyle... but if i just got like 200 roxis a month, i wouldn't have to do shady shit and live a certain way. I could live a perfectly normal life and be happy like i always wanted.

I guess i'm still trying to come to grips with this new reality... goddamn it's hard
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you will not be "happy" with this life. eventually it gets old. at the height of my addiction I was banging over 2g of decent quality heroin a day (h is roughly 2x as potent mg per mg compared to oxycodone). so to err on the side of reality I'd say my dope was 70-80% purity. so let's say 1.5g (1500mg) of pure heroin iv'd daily which is about 3000mg of oxycodone daily. I still wasn't happy really. I don't see a doc giving you 90,000mg of oxycodone monthly as a script (that's 3000x blue roxis, 100 of em daily). and that would be IV'd not snorted. so you can see how unrealistic this is. in the end according to a swiss tolerance study, people's tolerances hit a "ceiling" of around 4g of PURE pharm grade heroin a day (4000mg h would equal about 8000mg oxycodone, so monthly that would be 240,000mg). realistically oxycodone is not gonna be the be all end all route, fentanyl is more realistic but we see what happened to phreex (bluelight shrine is his home now. RIP phreex).
 
^Happiness comes from going out and finding what you love and doing it! Plain and simple! Life has to have meaning for you to be happy!

Of course, if you can't find meaning in your life, opiates are maybe the greatest substitute God ever made! But it sucks....

If I could get free heroin for life, I'd probably just shoot dope until I died! Sad but true!

You're young, and believe me, this merry go 'round is heartache city!!

What are your interests? What do you REALLY want from life?
 
Yes heroin is expensive and money causes a lot of the problems. But addiction itself is by no means a pretty sight, and even if you take money out of the equation it's still going to have ramifications.

You could try getting on pain pills and taking those as prescribed but you're only lying to yourself if you think that a prior heroin addict has that self control. You will never be able to use them without getting sick, I don't know you but I can make that assumption based on the resolve of other addicts.

Also, you can't expect that even under extraordinarily good conditions (unlimited supply, good lifestanding) that the good times last forever. I used to be real big on poppy pod tea. Used to be cheap, potent, and gray area legal. I had enough pods to get high all the time but eventually I stopped. The opiate high was gone, I was either sick, well, or unpleasantly sedated. The only solution was to get a little sick for a long while or intensely sick for a little while. It's just not something you can run with indefinitely.

I know where you are right now, I was the same person vehemently protesting that I NEED opiates for some reason or another. These excuses seemed true at the time but the further from opiates the got the more I realized that they were just that: excuses.
 
BlueHues said:
^Happiness comes from going out and finding what you love and doing it! Plain and simple! Life has to have meaning for you to be happy!

Of course, if you can't find meaning in your life, opiates are maybe the greatest substitute God ever made! But it sucks....

If I could get free heroin for life, I'd probably just shoot dope until I died! Sad but true!

You're young, and believe me, this merry go 'round is heartache city!!

What are your interests? What do you REALLY want from life?
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I want to be able to make hip-hop beats for a living and never have to work a real job another day in my life. Because work to me, is misery. If i can't have that dream come true, i guess i'll have a family with the girl i love, who i am presently involved with, and has been by my side through all of this. She has never used any drugs ever. So it's hard for her to be with me and she said if i fucked up one more time, it's over. So i have that motivation to get clean and straighten up. Her father just passed away so i'm trying to be there for her now. i want to be the replacement for her dad in the sense that i want to be the man in her life that will never do her wrong. I want to buy nice stuff for her and make her happy, love her, take care of her, and have kids with her and live in a happy home that i paid for with my own money that i worked for.

So if i can't have the music dream come true, which i know is unrealistic, i guess i'll just find a job that i despise (which is my nightmare), or a job that i can kind of tolerate (another nightmare of mine), and just raise a family and live my life. And then be able to take care of my parents when they're older.

And if i didn't have to spend everything on drugs, i could accomplish all of that! So what if my tolerance went up or whatever! Then i would withdraw a little and then keep going. If i die then that's my fault. Who cares? At least i wouldn't have to steal or hurt society in anyway. And at least i would die in an opium dream. I could think of a lot more gruesome ways to die. I've created a mental barrier in my mind to never inject anything. That would just spoil my brain completely. And i wouldn't want to completely shoot my tolerance to shit. (literally)

And the reason ppl get depressed on this shit is cuz they see how they start to sacrifice all the things that used to make them happy, because they needed money for dope! But if they never had to pay money, they wouldn't feel depressed for fucking over everything and everyone else in their life to go buy dope.

So for now, i'm going to be clean and work hard. But later on, i'm going to work on getting scripts for good. Fuck this shit.
 
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