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Am I in denial of being bisexual? Does my wife fully understand/know?

dazed53

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 10, 2012
Messages
21
For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.
 
This is what has come down to for you: Telling her, waiting for her to find out, or never telling her.

By telling her: You could potentially lose your wife if she does not accept that you are *possibly bisexual. If she is mature enough, she might be able to talk it out with you and maybe work something out but that entails that you would actually be acting on these bisexual feelings. Or you could talk it out with her and tell her and nothing comes of it.

By not telling her: You don't risk losing your wife. You potentially risk the future and happiness of yourself by not exploring these feelings.

I had this happen to a friend: she found out her boyfriend of 3 years was bisexual by finding email exchanges on craigslist. She broke up with him and he told her that he had done some bisexual stuff in college and still had some bisexual feelings but did not make him love her any less. They broke up for a couple of months and got back together on the condition that he hid nothing from her and supposedly supressed any of those bisexual feelings.

I think you kind of know what's ahead of you now: you either supress these feelings or act on them and tell your wife. If you are bisexual, then would that not create an open relationship, having possible sexual encounters with men despite being married? Would she be okay with that? Have you ever thought of other options, maybe a strap-on for your wife (would she be okay with that, or more okay with it)?

I know you are in a tough situation but I don't think these feelings go away until you explore but I also understand you don't want to risk your marriage. Good luck :)
 
What alarms me in your post is the fact that you say you're attracted to one guy specifically and want to sleep with this one guy, specifically. Imagine it were a woman and you told your wife that? Because in the end it doesn't really change that much - you're fantasizing about sleeping with someone other than your wife, and not in a general way, but another specific person. If I were in her shoes this would really upset me were I to find out.
I agree with your friend's wife: before you think about telling your wife, consider what you expect to happen from this anyway. I mean, what will it change for her to know you're bi? Is it because you'd like to see if she'd be okay with you having sex with men? Is it just because you don't want to hide that from her? Honestly, if you don't plan ona ctually acting on it or anything, I don't think you should tell her really. It'll most likely put an unnecessary strain on your relationship.
I also don't think you should regard the fact that you're bi as opposed to straight as a big part of your identity. I think way too much attention is given to our sexualities nowadays and people just focus on it too much. I'm bi but I really don't care about it nor have I told anyone because I just don't see the point, it doesn't change who I am in any way.
 
Yes you are bisexual. I would tell your wife but that's me. You don't have to be sexually active with both genders in order to be bisexual, and you can be a complete virgin to one or both genders and you're still bisexual. Also you do not have to fall in love with both genders in order to be bisexual. I can fall in love and have relationships with both genders but not everyone that's bisexual does and it's not a requirement.

I would tell your wife before her sisters tell her since most people can't keep their mouths shut.
 
Yes you are bisexual. I would tell your wife but that's me. You don't have to be sexually active with both genders in order to be bisexual, and you can be a complete virgin to one or both genders and you're still bisexual. Also you do not have to fall in love with both genders in order to be bisexual. I can fall in love and have relationships with both genders but not everyone that's bisexual does and it's not a requirement.

I would tell your wife before her sisters tell her since most people can't keep their mouths shut.
QFT-Spill the beans before a loud mouth does

and you see married men of 14 years get caught by their wives sleeping with men, or have husbands with children come out to their wives as gay/bisexual
it dosent mean they just all of a sudden turned, theyve been that way

hiding the bisexual feelings, dosent make you any more straight. The day you can be true to yourself, is the day you can be fully happy.
id imagine itd lift a huge deal of weight off your shoulders, kind of like a closet addict coming out and admitting they need help..(My way of comparing it)

whatever happens, good luck to you brother :)
 
What alarms me in your post is the fact that you say you're attracted to one guy specifically and want to sleep with this one guy, specifically. Imagine it were a woman and you told your wife that? Because in the end it doesn't really change that much - you're fantasizing about sleeping with someone other than your wife, and not in a general way, but another specific person. If I were in her shoes this would really upset me were I to find out.

This

ignore the sisters, you can always play off your questions as insecurity

also if people have teased you about appearing gay then maybe your wife is just taking the piss for a laugh.

you need to have a serious discussion with her BUT if you tell her you have strong feelings for her best friends husband i can guarantee you the answer will not be "yes thats fine you do whatever you want dear...", unless your marriage is in dire straights

as a gay man if i was seeing a guy and he told me he liked a specific girl/guy i would see it as a threat. to deal with a threat within a marriage at the same time as a "sexuality crisis" (which can also be seen as a threat) is just too much. only tell her you have feelings for men when the time is right and do not mention this man because unless you are going to leave her for him and he feels the same way then no good can come of it.

honesty is good but the wise man uses it with caution
 
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^Yup. I think if it's really, *really* bugging you to keep it inside you could tell her you think you might be a bit attracted to men as well *in general* (once again, definitely don't mention the specific guy)...but yeah as I said, I think before you do that you need to ask yourself what it's really going to change for her to know that. Your sexuality doesn't define you :)
Just like, for instance, I didn't tell my last boyfriend about the extent of my drug use because I knew it would do no good and I was confident that it wouldn't get to a point where it would put a strain on our relationship anyway - it was a part of who I was but I didn't think it was something he needed to know for the sake of our relationship. So better to keep it quiet sometimes imo.
 
I will tell you this, it's going to 'come out' sooner or later so you might as well tell her. Honesty may fuck it up though too. Depends how comfortable you are living a lie. My ex-girlfriend freaked out when I told her about my bisexuality and it was one of the reasons we split up, aside from me being a huge dope fiend in general.
 
The day you can be true to yourself, is the day you can be fully happy. id imagine itd lift a huge deal of weight off your shoulders, kind of like a closet addict coming out and admitting they need help..(My way of comparing it)

I think Opium is right. You're not going to be able to repress these urges forever. They are likely to become more powerful and will find a way to come out. You need to be able to express your bisexuality in some way even if you don't act on them. The hardest part I found was accepting that I was bi myself. After a bad experience at around 20 when an opportunity came up to test my bicuriosity I went into full deny and repress mode for the next 15 years though I knew the instinct was there. I was mid-30s before opportunities came up again in a safe environment ( swinging parties with other bi / trans folk ) to test and from that moment on I began to self-identify as bisexual. That came as a huge relief at last as did the acceptance of people I knew in the scene and opened up a whole new world to explore. Seems you've got to the self-identification stage already, you won't be able to put that particular genie back in the bottle. You need to be able to be open with some people, though not everyone.

So, what to do. I think your wife is aware to some degree you have 'homosexual' tendencies based on some of the convos you've noted. It may be that her fear is that you're gay and actually telling her you're mostly straight with some bi tendencies may be less worrisome to her than the fear of homosexuality, so long as she is made to feel this presents no threat to your relationship. If the relationship is solid and there is real, deep love between you then there should also be acceptance of what each of you are, as you are. There's a chance she may feel like she's been sold a pup and you are not the man she married but for me, in my relationships the women I've loved could have told me just about anything and I would have found a way to acceptance for the sake of our relationship. Only you know if there is that kind of strength in the relationship so hard to advise but I do think you need to find a way to bring this up. Whether you wait for an opportunity that lets it come up casually and naturally in conversation or you go the more direct route again is something only you can fathom. I would not mention the guy you've got your eye on. Attachment of that sort would be more threatening than a more general attraction or desire because the attraction is to an identifiable person rather than desire simply for certain sexual acts.

D'you think you could accomodate certain acts within you and your wife's sex life, kind of a role play, ass play, strap-ons, that kinda thing or is that out of her comfort zone? You say your sex life is boring, introducing elements like that might help liven it up a little for one thing if she's up for exploring. It's not the same as M on M of course but in adopting a role you take on a certain mindset that is expressive of your bisexuality while still being a heterosexual act. That might be a step along the road to acceptance there?
 
I think Opium is right. You're not going to be able to repress these urges forever. They are likely to become more powerful and will find a way to come out. You need to be able to express your bisexuality in some way even if you don't act on them. The hardest part I found was accepting that I was bi myself. After a bad experience at around 20 when an opportunity came up to test my bicuriosity I went into full deny and repress mode for the next 15 years though I knew the instinct was there. I was mid-30s before opportunities came up again in a safe environment ( swinging parties with other bi / trans folk ) to test and from that moment on I began to self-identify as bisexual. That came as a huge relief at last as did the acceptance of people I knew in the scene and opened up a whole new world to explore. Seems you've got to the self-identification stage already, you won't be able to put that particular genie back in the bottle. You need to be able to be open with some people, though not everyone.

So, what to do. I think your wife is aware to some degree you have 'homosexual' tendencies based on some of the convos you've noted. It may be that her fear is that you're gay and actually telling her you're mostly straight with some bi tendencies may be less worrisome to her than the fear of homosexuality, so long as she is made to feel this presents no threat to your relationship. If the relationship is solid and there is real, deep love between you then there should also be acceptance of what each of you are, as you are. There's a chance she may feel like she's been sold a pup and you are not the man she married but for me, in my relationships the women I've loved could have told me just about anything and I would have found a way to acceptance for the sake of our relationship. Only you know if there is that kind of strength in the relationship so hard to advise but I do think you need to find a way to bring this up. Whether you wait for an opportunity that lets it come up casually and naturally in conversation or you go the more direct route again is something only you can fathom. I would not mention the guy you've got your eye on. Attachment of that sort would be more threatening than a more general attraction or desire because the attraction is to an identifiable person rather than desire simply for certain sexual acts.

D'you think you could accomodate certain acts within you and your wife's sex life, kind of a role play, ass play, strap-ons, that kinda thing or is that out of her comfort zone? You say your sex life is boring, introducing elements like that might help liven it up a little for one thing if she's up for exploring. It's not the same as M on M of course but in adopting a role you take on a certain mindset that is expressive of your bisexuality while still being a heterosexual act. That might be a step along the road to acceptance there?

She is pretty shy sexually to be honest. Let me ask this. Was i wrong by talking to so many others about it..including a few female friends of hers..which got back to her sisters.
 
I have to disagree with Pagey and the others who say it's a bad idea. It's not simply a matter of cheating but also coming to an understanding of who you are as a person. Yes it would still be cheating, but it's not just about that. You are curious about men and you're not going to get to explore that in an honest way without first telling your wife about it. You are married and if this is important to you then she should know. Keeping it a secret only makes it harder. The only way to do this cleanly is to tell her. If she reacts badly in a way that is hard to reconcile then it might force you to rethink your relationship, but if it means taking ownership of your sexual orientation then maybe that would be for the best.

The more people you tell in your community who aren't your wife, the greater the chance that she will find out about it before you can tell her yourself. If she finds out from anyone but you then she might be hurt and feel you are hiding things from her, and that will add whole other layers of complication than just coming out to her as being bisexual.

I would figure out a way to tell her so that she feels included in your journey to self-discovery, and so that she knows you still love her regardless of what happens.
 
She is pretty shy sexually to be honest. Let me ask this. Was i wrong by talking to so many others about it..including a few female friends of hers..which got back to her sisters.

Wrong, no, but I wonder if that was entirely about discussing options with people you could talk to in confidence, or whether a part of you felt that discussing this with some people within your wife's circle, even indirectly connected was a way of bringing this up when whispers came to your wife's ears? What you think? If that might be the case then it's probably not a good idea that she should hear it from someone else and would probably set off suspicions about what's going on, or cause her to wonder how it is you can talk about this with other people but not the most important person who really needs to know which is her. What does that say to her about you or your relationship? Standing on what I said earlier a more direct approach would serve you better I feel.
 
The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it? Advice pleasE!

she seems like she'd be understanding enough, just let it be known you arent looking to leave her

i mean yall have been together for ten years so its something you should be able to be honest about

i mean she might be taken back by the fact that yall have been together for ten years and she is just now hearing/finding out about it

but if you have talked with that many people in hers and your close circle of friends it will likely get back to her

better for her to hear it from you. if she truly loves you then she will accept you, sure it might be difficult at first but it sounds like its something you need to get off your chest and someting she needs to hear

just think if no one does tell her and you dont yourself, you'll always feel this way n you'll always have to hide it and that would suck. you'll go to your grave not knowing what coulda happened and even worse you will go to your grave with secrets. some people might be perfectly ok with going to thier grave with certain secrets but it sounds like its something you wanna get off your chest, the thought of her not accepting you or possibly leaving you is hella scary but IMO you should tell her
 
She is pretty shy sexually to be honest. Let me ask this. Was i wrong by talking to so many others about it..including a few female friends of hers..which got back to her sisters.

no you weren't wrong

its better to hear it from your partner than from gossips in the background/close family members.

the point i was making originally still stands if she is okay with the bisexuality as long as you dont leave her for a man. thats why i said dont go mentioning your attraction to this specific man
 
Yo - you're currently both lying to each other - she suspects you might be gay, so tell her flat out that you're pretty sure you are bi, and would like to have a threesome with her and a guy if she's up for it, or at least ask if she's alright with you going off and fucking a guy just to strengthen your resolve you're in it for the long haul with her.

She's given you opportunities to rid yourself of your insecurities, and to burden her with them, she knows you're lying as women are naturally more intuitive across the board than men. That's a generalization but they can pick up on things men can't a lot of the times- micro gestures etc. She knows, but wants you to talk to her in your own way.

If she's conservative, just let her know you love her, and that this experimentation is just to see whether you are gay or bi. If you're not having sex with her anymore, this isn't a good sign - get the kama sutra my friend, and never look back. There are passages about sucking cock in there for you. You will soon know who you are sexually if you're just open and honest.
 
^I rather doubt she'd be all right with him asking if he can go sleep with another man...it's one thing to say you're bi, it's quite another to say you wanna have sex with someone else.
 
Yeah I would think telling her you are fantasizing about having sex with someone outside the relation male or female is going to be a very bad decision. I think you should inform her of your sexuality but that you don't intend on leaving her.
 
^ Not really, it's honest. Even if she doessn't understand to begin with, she might come round to the idea - it's only natural to fantasize if you're not going to act...ideally even fantasies should go out the window, they're psychic chinks-in-our-armours, but I don't think OP is worried about Succubi/Incubi yet haha.

It's not like anything he's done so far has actively helped his cause is it?


He has skirted around the issue, and not beating around the bush, he has been found out anywya, and had to lie to his wife, who in turn is now lying to him.
^I rather doubt she'd be all right with him asking if he can go sleep with another man...it's one thing to say you're bi, it's quite another to say you wanna have sex with someone else.
True, but seriously, he's not going to be sure if he doesn't find out...it's going to eat away at him and would be much more detrimental in the long run than finding his balls, asking his missus if he can experiment in the interests of keeping their marriage sacred and secret free, and hey if he finds out he is bi then maybe they can get a little loose together. I bet the tension can be cut with a knife at this juncture.

Dude - this is why I suggest a threesome for you. Safer ground than asking to meet a guy by yourself. Maybe suggest it as a back up plan, and she might pick the lesser of 2 evils, whichever floats her boat less.

Either way if she has a problem with this homosexual side of you, you both owe it to yourselves and your families and friends to find out whether this is make or break time.
 
True, but seriously, he's not going to be sure if he doesn't find out...it's going to eat away at him and would be much more detrimental in the long run than finding his balls, asking his missus if he can experiment in the interests of keeping their marriage sacred and secret free, and hey if he finds out he is bi then maybe they can get a little loose together. I bet the tension can be cut with a knife at this juncture.

Dude - this is why I suggest a threesome for you. Safer ground than asking to meet a guy by yourself. Maybe suggest it as a back up plan, and she might pick the lesser of 2 evils, whichever floats her boat less.

Either way if she has a problem with this homosexual side of you, you both owe it to yourselves and your families and friends to find out whether this is make or break time.

I dunno, I mean I see this as exactly the same thing as just asking her if he can sleep with another woman...quite frankly if I were in her shoes I would not take it well.
I also want to re-emphasize that I seriously don't think your sexual orientation defines you. It's a minuscule part of us that's way overblown in our society imo and if you're happy with your wife I don't think it should matter that much. Obviously this is just my opinion but I just think it should be considered that maybe people shouldn't be defined in terms of who they're attracted to.
 
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