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My fiancé won't forgive

Kcwhite

Kcwhite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 6, 2012
Messages
91
Location
Detroit
Hi guys, I've never posted in here but I believe this is where this should be, forgive me if it isn't.
So here is the story; I am a heroin addict with about a year and a half clean, although I have
to admit I've had two or three slip ups(without here knowledge). So she completely treats me
like shit still and I've asked her why and she said because she doesn't trust me yet because of my
past habit. Here is just a couple of examples; she will completely ignore me when I talk to her
if she doesn't feel like saying anything. I mean all the time, I could ask her any random subject
and I'm ignored. God forbid I bring up how I've been treated for past three months or so.
I just don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point. For a long time I just
took it because I felt like a horrible person due to my past habit, but she is still holding that against
me. Sorry the post is so long, I just need to hear what someone else thinks. Thanks in advance
For your opinions



-kcwhite
 
Kcwhite said:
Hi guys, I've never posted in here but I believe this is where this should be, forgive me if it isn't.
So here is the story; I am a heroin addict with about a year and a half clean, although I have
to admit I've had two or three slip ups(without here knowledge). So she completely treats me
like shit still and I've asked her why and she said because she doesn't trust me yet because of my
past habit. Here is just a couple of examples; she will completely ignore me when I talk to her
if she doesn't feel like saying anything. I mean all the time, I could ask her any random subject
and I'm ignored. God forbid I bring up how I've been treated for past three months or so.
I just don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point. For a long time I just
took it because I felt like a horrible person due to my past habit, but she is still holding that against
me. Sorry the post is so long, I just need to hear what someone else thinks. Thanks in advance
For your opinions



-kcwhite
Click to expand...

DTMFA. That's just a good excuse for her to not talk about subjects she doesn't want to talk about, and shitty. And rude.
 
treating you like shit isn't justified because you're an addict. you are also keeping things from her. it sounds all around unhealthy. sounds like you need a more supportive person and are unable to communicate in this relationship anymore.
 
I am in a somewhat similar situation but on the opposite side of the table, so for me, I can sympathize with your fiance not trusting you. My estranged boyfriend is also a recovering opiate addict, who has had his fair share of relapses - some I know about and some I'm sure I don't.

Trust is one of those things that takes forever to build, and only a moment to throw it all away. Your fiance says she doesn't trust you based on things that she is aware of - not including your relapses - so the way it appears to me is justified in not trusting you, even if she doesn't know why yet. If she found out about your slip ups, that would only intensify her feelings of mistrust. While mistrust is not an excuse to treat you poorly or ignore you, especially if you are trying to resolve issues, I have to say that your actions, IMO, have proven untrustworthy.

It sounds like there are really two issues here - you guys have no trust, and she doesn't treat you in a way that you appreciate. Trust you will have to build, day by day and there is no magic solution to get her to trust you, but you can confront her and try to come to a middle ground on how she treats you. And honestly, if you can't figure these issues out, you shouldn't be getting married. Why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't treat you nice and doesn't trust you?
 
The last time I did use I caved and did a twenty sack 3.5. months ago. I have kept this from her because I didn't want things to get worse. We have been together for eight years and we do still have a lot of good days, but the bad days are starting to outnumber the good ones. Other than my slip up there is nothing I don't talk to her about. Also, for whatever reason when she starts ignoring me it evolves into a fight that 80% of the time ends with her accusing me of cheating
 
^My ex was te same way, kept things from me because he thought it would be worse if I knew. Bit of advice, I always found out, and it always made things WAY worse than if he had just told me. I understand your instinct to keep it to yourself thinking no one will ever find out, but it rarely happened that way, at least for us.

Why does she accuse you of cheating - have you cheated before? Does she suspect you have relapsed or ever questioned you about that?
 
^^^^i have never cheated on her. However, at the beginning of our relationship she did cheat on me. Once we got through that I've never brought it up to her. I do understand her basis of mistrust. I really do, I've been more open with her the past year than I have ever been with anyone. I call her and tell her where I am no matter what I'm doing, whether I'm watching the game at the bar with the guys or where I am with work, etc. etc. For what it's worth, I am going to admit my relapses to her very soon.it really is like its worse now than anytime I was ever using. When I was using I always worked and used my own money for my habit, but on the flip side I was using my money that I could have been saving or paying a bill or whatever with.

Thank you guys for your input though.




We also almost are never intimate either, it's like I disgust her. I can't even cuddle up to her at night sometimes. When I do try to initiate sex with her it almost never happens, she either doesn't feel like it or a headache, stomach ache, etc. We probably have sex about twice a month or so. It's definitely not the bomb sex we used to have either.

The funny thing is she keeps bringing up having another child. I tell her absolutely not. We have one 14 month old beautiful little girl (my biggest motivation to put down the drugs). I'm just not ready to give up everything we have yet. We have been through some very difficult situations, not even including my addiction. I really love her, I just want to make things better. We have been engaged for almost three years now.
 
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Kcwhite said:
The funny thing is she keeps bringing up having another child. I tell her absolutely not. We have one 14 month old beautiful little girl (my biggest motivation to put down the drugs).
Click to expand...
Do not have another child!! I cannot imagine the life this one little girl will have to live. You are an addict (how old are you?). Evidently, your child is not much of a motivation to quit your habit. You and your girlfriend are toxic!!! The baby is the main issue, you make it seem all about you. Consider the baby's life and forget about yours and hers. You are self-centered and living in delusion if you think this is about and your girl.I felt bad for you till I saw the part about the baby.Grow up and take responsibility for your daughter.....one of you is going to have to. Jesus Christ!!!
 
For the record I do not use anymore, my little girl is my motivation, I love her more than life itself. I have made mistakes in life, now I am working at making myself a better person. I have a career that is fairly well paying, and she will have the best life that is possible within my means. Just because I am a recovering heroin addict does not mean that I am not capable of being a good father. Quitting heroin was very hard to do, nowadays my life is centered around my little girl. Whereas heroin is not a part of my life anymore. What I want now is to work things out with my fiancé because I very much love her. Also, we never fight in front of my daughter. I know for sure that her mother loves her just as much as I do.





Thanks again for the responses
 
twice a month and it's not "bomb sex", sounds like she doesn't even want to fuck you but feels obligated to. that talk of wanting another kid sounds creepily like she just wants your man juice to pump into her baby factory.
 
I stand my original position. Dump your girlfriend!!! Stay in touch with your daughter. Be a great daddy! Your girlfriend and you are toxic.
 
^^ This, sounds like a horrible relationship. I'm sorry to say it, but from what you said it doesn't sound like she loves you anymore. Hell it even kind of sounds like she is/could be cheating on you.
It also sounds like she is kind of a bitch.

Ultimately the choice is yours, and you know your own relationship better than I, but if it was me I'd be leaving her and certainly not getting married to her.
 
Do not marry this bundle of issues!! You have your own issues from your report. Make the baby your main issue!! Make a better world for this baby girl. If you screw this piece of shit girlfriend please use protection!!!!!
 
^^^i absolutely use protection, I know how vindictive this particular girl is. I would for sure love my 2nd child with her, although I fear that she will use my daughter as a pawn if I leave her. The last thing I want to do is to subject another innocent child to a hard separation of their parents. I would love it if we could work things out. We would purchase a nice suburban house with a nice picket fence and a dog. Unfortunately I don't believe that that will happen in my life time. I have a hunch that it end up getting pretty bad when I come clean about the two times that I've used in the past 1.5 yrs. I'm pretty sure she won't leave me over it, but I will most likely need to leave her due to the drastic behavior that I will have to endure. In my fiancés defense she does make sure not to start anything in front of my daughter. Who knows if that will last though.


At any rate, I appreciate the input from you guys, I believe that you've helped to keep things in prospective for me. For that I am thankful. Hopefully all this will be like a bad dream and we will be able to laugh about our "silly" fights years ago, although I don't think that will happen. Thanks again everybody.
 
Obviously this isn't that much info on your relationship but I say break up with her. You don't deserve to be treated like that and you could be with someone who makes you so much happier.
Also, I feel obliged to say I hope she's not getting to you with that judgement. Getting clean is a huge achievement and you should be proud of yourself, not ashamed, and find someone who can realize that.
 
So you've slipped up a few times? You're clean now, right? That's what matters! It sounds like your relationship is pretty nonexistent with this girl. Don't marry her and don't have another baby with her. It's really immature how she gives you the silent treatment. Kudos to both of you for not fighting in front of your daughter.
 
It seems immature of her for giving you the silent treatment. It seems like you are dealing relatively well, recovering from being a heroin addict. It's expected to have some slip ups but you seem to be handling them pretty well, right?
If I were you, I would probably break up with her. The silent treatment? I think I used that in elementary school but definitely not since then. It's incredibly immature. If you're upset, talk things out.
 
Well guys, I came clean to her about my couple of slips today. At first it did not go well. To make a long story short, I ended up going to the pharmacy and buying the best home drug test that I could find. So after I had her watch me physically piss for the test and I passed, she actually told me that she is very proud of me. That she could tell how hard I've tried in the past year. She also apologized for being so hard on me, her reason being is she wants to make sure that I'm actually serious in my recovery from heroin, that im actually not using and making amends for all my past fuckups. Like I said, I did understand where her basis of mistrust came from. I just wanted this shit to stop as Ive been giving 150%.

So as it seems right now, we've had a serious breakthrough. I really hope this goes beyond tonight and she actually recognizes that my family is first to me now. Quitting heroin was pretty much the hardest thing that I've ever done. I feel like it won't be so hard to fight the cravings if I know I have her in my corner and we as a family are happy. Also I won't have the stress of possibly not seeing my daughter as much as I want to.

Thank you to everybody for you responses, I'm glad to see I wasn't going crazy and there are people that understood my frustrations.

Sorry for tl,dr, my life story lol
 
She sounds like a Pisces or Cancer. Dump her, and take care of yourself and the kid. You don't need this bullshit in your life.
 
Kcwhite said:
We have been engaged for almost three years now.
Click to expand...

This should obviously be a flagged raised, as well.
Couples who agreeably want to get married: get engaged, set a date, and take the plunge.



just a question: were you using before you were in a relationship with her?

oh wait, and another question: obviously slip-ups are expected- but like, did you think about why you "slipped-up"?
Was it just because you wanted to go out and get high. and that's it.
OR was it something that happened- perhaps something she did to make you have the "fuck this" mentality- and then therefore, leading you to wanting to get high (since most addicts turn to drugs when they don't want to deal with/face a problem)
 
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